Bus driver accused DH of hitting our autistic son

[ASDfamily2]

I've just received a call from an upset DH who had taken our son (4 with autism) and daughter out with him.

He was sheltering in a bus stop as it started raining, DS was in his pram (he's not safe to walk) and was having an enormous meltdown because he didn't want the rain cover on.

The pram hood was pulled down and DS was pushing himself up inside the pram screaming like a banshee, so he was partially out of sight and his face couldn't be seen by this bus driver who had pulled up at the stop to collect waiting passengers.

He opened his cab door and asked DH, loudly, why he was hitting his son.

Fortunately for DH there was a lady sitting right next to him on the bench who could see everything that was going on up close, she immediately jumped to his defence and said he hasn't hit him at all. He didn't touch him. God knows why the driver jumped to that conclusion.

DH got understandably annoyed and said to the bus driver that DS is severely autistic and he's having a damn meltdown, not being hit, he has never hit him in his life.

DH chose to abort the trip and is now on his way home feeling hurt and angry.

I've never been accused of hitting DS in public but I have received many, many judgemental looks from people and shitty comments when DS had been throwing himself on the floor (hence the pram) or when I've had to hold him still to stop him throwing himself on the floor.

If it wasn't for that lady at the bus stop I dread to think what would have happened. What if the driver phoned the police? We could have lost our children.

I want to make a formal complaint but DH didn't note the reg.

If that's what a random bus driver thinks then god only knows what the neighbours think, with the amount of meltdowns DS has and how he sounds when he does.

I'm so sad and fed up that this is our life

I think that's absolute horrible for him and I'm really sorry, but I don't think that making a formal complaint will change much, even if you can find out what the reg was. Hard as it is, I think you have to accept that it was a horrible experience and try to chalk it up and ignore it. I am sorry though.

That’s awful and I’m sorry to hear the bus driver said that!

Surely if the lady wasn’t there the bus driver would need evidence to show your DH hit your DS?

Sorry for your husband. But please give the driver a break...if rhee had been abuse and no one said anything would that be worse. The driver made a mistake and didn't see correctly. Do you think your husband maybe looked annoyed or angry at the melt down and that led to confusion?

It’s awful and I’d be tempted to report. They have cctv on the buses that would identify the driver that stopped at that time. Sorry your DH had to deal with that

Not much of a consolation to anybody - but that does mean the bus driver stopped as soon as he thought a child was being maltreated, rather than ignoring it. Which is a good thing compared to the alternative. Perhaps the bus has CCTV which would show what was actually happening if it did get reported?

I think it’s been a horrible upsetting experience for your DH, but I do not think you should report it.

We’re asking people to look out for children, to advocate for them and step up and say something if things don’t look right.

The bus driver got it wrong on this occasion. But don’t put him off speaking up if he sees another child in a bad situation.

Please try not to worry about people judging you. You can’t afford to let that affect you. I know that’s easier said than done.

I have a profoundly autistic 5 year old DS who we used a special needs buggy for too, and I 100% get everything you are saying, however I would rather be stopped wrongly any time than for someone to stand by and do nothing when they thought a child was being mistreated.

What if the driver phoned the police? We could have lost our children.

This is catastrophic thinking - you won’t lose your children if you are good, effective, loving parents.

If the police had been called the most that would happen was a referral to SS, and that would be for support not to take your children away.

Sorry but yabu. Fair enough he didn't hit your DS. But from the bus drivers angle, it looked like it and the driver was doing right by what he thought he saw.

It sucked for him. But my main takeaway is surprise that a bus driver might spring to someone's defence in this way. Thankfully there was someone there. Don't panic. Evidence of abuse has to be fairly concrete, noone will take your son from you on the say so of one person X

I'm sorry for your DH. It's sad to be accused of something you haven't done.
However, in some ways that bus driver did a wonderful thing. Not many would call out open abuse if they'd saw it. He got it wrong on this occasion, but we do need more people to be willing to.

I can completely understand why your DH was upset and annoyed but I really don't think the bus driver did anything wrong in expressing a concern.

People shouldn't be discouraged from intervening when they worry a child is being mistreated even if that means sometimes accepting that they'll make the wrong call or misunderstand what's actually happening.

This is the only time I will ever make this argument but I honestly. Would you be praising the bus driver if the OP was the one accused of hitting the child?

I bet not. It’s because it was a man.

Assumptions like this are the reasons why some men are so afraid to be alone with their children

It's an upsetting for your dh but I don't think the bus driver was being malicious.

Most people haven't seen a meltdown in full swing and so he has Interpreted what he saw as abusive. He didn't take it any further so I wouldn't make a complaint.

I am sorry your husband is so upset, and I hope when he calms down he will appreciate that the bus driver had a child’s best interest at heart. Maybe if more people took a moment to intervene and make it their business to call out violent or threatening behaviours there would be fewer violent and threatening behaviours to call out, in public at least, sadly it will take more than concerned bus drivers to stop violence in private.

I noticed an advert on tv last night, men being encouraged to challenge other men on cat calling and other unacceptable behaviours towards women. It’s a start.

I understand how upsetting this must have been for your dh, but from the bus driver's point of view it may have looked as though he was hitting your son. In which case, I can understand why he did say something. I wouldn't want to get the driver in trouble for acting when he thought he saw a child being abused. He was wrong about what he saw, and he was corrected, but that doesn't make him a bad person, or deserving of discipline by his employer. I think it would be a lot worse for people to ignore what looks like child abuse (even if they may be mistaken).

Why would you complain? The driver did the right thing. He believed that your dh was hitting your son.

Obviously it's upsetting for your dh. But he is a grown man. And suey, he can appreciate that the driver, from the angle genuinely thought he was hitting him.

Its never nice being accused of something but I don't think he needs tp take it so personally.

And no, you would more have had your children removed.

I’m sorry your DH was upset but surely it’s better for someone to challenge it if they think a child is being abused (which I appreciate wasnt the case here) than do nothing?
The Driver obviously saw something that concerned him so he was right to challenge it
I don’t think a complaint is warranted

I'm sorry your DH had to deal with that, it's dreadful

BUT he is going to need to get a thicker skin as you know too well yourself as people are too often ignorant judgemental arseholes around SN kids

He needs to reframe this in his head. That bus driver was clearly an abused child & so his reaction was coloured by his own shit, not by your DH. He thought he was saving a child from his own trauma. That's why he saw the worst. Your DH educated him & needs to accept that as he did just fine in a shitty situation

@Soubriquet

This is the only time I will ever make this argument but I honestly. Would you be praising the bus driver if the OP was the one accused of hitting the child?

I bet not. It’s because it was a man.

Assumptions like this are the reasons why some men are so afraid to be alone with their children

I would actually, yes

@Soubriquet

This is the only time I will ever make this argument but I honestly. Would you be praising the bus driver if the OP was the one accused of hitting the child?

I bet not. It’s because it was a man.

Assumptions like this are the reasons why some men are so afraid to be alone with their children

Absolutely would say the same.

In many of the recent cases of children being murdered by their parents, women have been directly involved. We shouldn't be looking the other way if we believe a child is being hit by their parent. Regardless of the sex of the parent.

Sorry but I agree with the majority.

What the bus driver did isn't worthy of a complaint. He did what he thought was best at the time and tried to call out abuse. If you did complain and he saw similar again, he isn't going to get involved which could lead to another child being abused and no one stepping in.

Think of all the cases where a child has died at the hands of their parents/step-parents and we all ask how did no one notice and why did no one step in?

That bus driver was clearly an abused child & so his reaction was coloured by his own shit, not by your DH. He thought he was saving a child from his own trauma.

What?

I can imagine your husband was upset but too many children are slapped and beaten in public and no one says a word. I think the bus driver was right to say something and challenge an adult he thought was harming a child even if he was wrong in this case.