Bus driver accused DH of hitting our autistic son

[ASDfamily2]

I've just received a call from an upset DH who had taken our son (4 with autism) and daughter out with him.

He was sheltering in a bus stop as it started raining, DS was in his pram (he's not safe to walk) and was having an enormous meltdown because he didn't want the rain cover on.

The pram hood was pulled down and DS was pushing himself up inside the pram screaming like a banshee, so he was partially out of sight and his face couldn't be seen by this bus driver who had pulled up at the stop to collect waiting passengers.

He opened his cab door and asked DH, loudly, why he was hitting his son.

Fortunately for DH there was a lady sitting right next to him on the bench who could see everything that was going on up close, she immediately jumped to his defence and said he hasn't hit him at all. He didn't touch him. God knows why the driver jumped to that conclusion.

DH got understandably annoyed and said to the bus driver that DS is severely autistic and he's having a damn meltdown, not being hit, he has never hit him in his life.

DH chose to abort the trip and is now on his way home feeling hurt and angry.

I've never been accused of hitting DS in public but I have received many, many judgemental looks from people and shitty comments when DS had been throwing himself on the floor (hence the pram) or when I've had to hold him still to stop him throwing himself on the floor.

If it wasn't for that lady at the bus stop I dread to think what would have happened. What if the driver phoned the police? We could have lost our children.

I want to make a formal complaint but DH didn't note the reg.

If that's what a random bus driver thinks then god only knows what the neighbours think, with the amount of meltdowns DS has and how he sounds when he does.

I'm so sad and fed up that this is our life

@Ionlydomassiveones Fri 11-Mar-22 14:46:50
Fair play to the bus driver for calling out what he thought was abuse. If you complain he might not bother in future. Just because he was wrong this time, and your DH is upset, is no need to make trouble for him. People complaining and kicking off at people intervening with good intentions is what drives people to turn a blind eye to potential abusive situations. YABU.

100% this.

@ASDfamily2

If you thought a kid was being hit by a grown adult would you just sit there and watch it then?

Obviously not, nor would I jump to the conclusion that a child was being hit just because they were screaming.

Anybody who misinterprets an autistic meltdown for a child being abused needs to educate themselves on neurodiversity frankly.

To be fair, from his cab, the bus driver had no way of telling anything about your DS other than he appeared to be being hit by your DH.

I am really very sorry for your DH and quite understand his upset. As a teacher of children with severe autism and learning difficulties, I often had to deal with meltdowns in public places, and it was always anxiety-inducing, a s I knew that my actions (though they followed our behaviour policy and the child's behaviour plan) could be misconstrued by a well meaning member of the public.

On the whole though, we really do need people like that driver, for the sake of children who are actually being abused.

❤, hugs and 💐 to you and your family

@saraclara Can I ask what your policy is for handling meltdowns in public? What do you and your colleagues do if a child is throwing themselves on the floor or screaming in public? We're awaiting an assessment with occupational therapy, and he begins his special needs school in September, but I would love some perspective from a professional on tbis particular issue if you have a sec?

@tkwal

❤, hugs and 💐 to you and your family

Thanks so much x

[quote ASDfamily2]@saraclara Can I ask what your policy is for handling meltdowns in public? What do you and your colleagues do if a child is throwing themselves on the floor or screaming in public? We're awaiting an assessment with occupational therapy, and he begins his special needs school in September, but I would love some perspective from a professional on tbis particular issue if you have a sec? [/quote]
I'll message you in a little while, if that's okay? I'm about to go out, but I'll get back to you, I promise. I know how hard it is (though even harder as a parent I'm sure).

In the meantime, please be reassured that, in my experience, it's highly unlikely that anything worrying would have come of this. The experience of your acquaintance is highly unusual. I have known parents have the same kind of complaint from neighbours, and be treated with understanding and reassurance.

It’s unfortunate that your husband was upset after the encounter but the alternative is a child being abused in public and someone seeing it and not acknowledging it, that is the worst situation.
Personally I wouldn’t complain about it, the driver wasn’t trying to annoy your husband he was trying to protect (in his view) a child.

I don’t think a complaint would do anything

He would say that he was very alarmed and concerned to see what looked like a child being beaten

Chances are… SS would get involved to follow up

I have to say
It would be difficult not to raise one’s voice if you thought a child was being hit

@Ionlydomassiveones

Fair play to the bus driver for calling out what he thought was abuse. If you complain he might not bother in future. Just because he was wrong this time, and your DH is upset, is no need to make trouble for him. People complaining and kicking off at people intervening with good intentions is what drives people to turn a blind eye to potential abusive situations. YABU.

I agree with this.

I know it's awful to feel accused of something you haven't done, but we need more people to speak up if they think children are being abused, not less.

@Shesmyperson I was coming from the POV that the bus driver massively over reacted & handled the situation badly potentially making the situation worse even if it had been genuine abuse of a DC. It wasn't a normal reaction. That doesn't come from nowhere

As I said pages ago, I'm not making a complaint.

Of course @saraclara no rush at all, whenever you have time. Thank you. Much appreciated

I have an autistic child and still think you and your DH over reacted, my daughter is the same as your child only she is 10 now so we get much more looks and stares (unsurprisingly people are less sympathetic when they see older children have a meltdown compared to younger ones) she ran away from me the other day and refused to come home and was running up to people asking for help, I had someone who was outside of the GPsurgery ask me to explain what was going on in an accusatory tone. I just said she was autistic, I wouldn’t have considered complain as I thought she was accusing me of something.

My son slaps himself when he is upset. When we are around other people I talk to him about him doing it and how I know he is upset etc to try to avoid others intervening and making matters worse.. When people first hear it they probably assume an adult is hitting him.

I think its better to have an offended parent than an abused child.
Driver aside, it is unacceptable for you to receive judge comments and glances because of autism. Another school mum used to call out "its okay, autism isn't contagious" when people judged.

I completely understand your DH’s hurt because it much be horrible feeling to have all his worries about people judging him, confirmed.

However, I think it’s a good thing the bus driver asked. Safeguarding is everyone’s responsibility and if he saves one child, it’ll be a great thing.

Try and not think about what neighbours are thinking. Also ignore the dirty looks you get from ignorant people and save your energy. They’re not worth it.

@ASDfamily2

As I said pages ago, I'm not making a complaint.

Of course @saraclara no rush at all, whenever you have time. Thank you. Much appreciated

It would likely back fire SS would likely be required to make enquiry

I'm so sorry this happened to him. I learned the hard way to ignore everyone who judged me as a parent unless they too had an autistic child. But before I reached that point, there were lots of incidents like your poor DH has had.

I remember taking DS home on a train when he had a meltdown on the platform. I was tired and could feel myself getting agitated at all the glares so I wheeled him off, fast to a quiet place behind a big advertising hoarding. This woman appeared from nowhere, staring at me. She'd followed me, clearly thinking I was about to harm him. It made me feel so awful.

Give him a hug, a cup of tea or a glass of something stronger and tell him the judgement of people who haven't been in his position is absolutely valueless. And the people who have don't judge anyway. They just feel compassion.

Another school mum used to call out "its okay, autism isn't contagious" when people judged

I love this, I'm going to remember this the next time I get shitty comments in public with him.

One day (god forbid) if someone is trying to hurt one of your kids, you'll want that bus driver around.

I'm sorry this happened to your DH.

As a mother of an autistic child you have my sympathy My dd regularly has loud meltdowns in public and will shout ‘help’ and however we handle the situation people will stare and some will make really unnecessary comments.

Although the bus driver made an honest mistake, he was concerned so try not to dwell on it.

As for SS, we have an assigned SW who I have really opened up to in the past and I can assure you, they’d want to help you and not take your children away.

I hope you are getting all the support you need for you and your family.

@Soubriquet

This is the only time I will ever make this argument but I honestly. Would you be praising the bus driver if the OP was the one accused of hitting the child?

I bet not. It’s because it was a man.

Assumptions like this are the reasons why some men are so afraid to be alone with their children

Rubbish. Of course the reaction would be the same. Cut out the "what about the poor menz" shenanigans

@gingerhills

I'm so sorry this happened to him. I learned the hard way to ignore everyone who judged me as a parent unless they too had an autistic child. But before I reached that point, there were lots of incidents like your poor DH has had.

I remember taking DS home on a train when he had a meltdown on the platform. I was tired and could feel myself getting agitated at all the glares so I wheeled him off, fast to a quiet place behind a big advertising hoarding. This woman appeared from nowhere, staring at me. She'd followed me, clearly thinking I was about to harm him. It made me feel so awful.

Give him a hug, a cup of tea or a glass of something stronger and tell him the judgement of people who haven't been in his position is absolutely valueless. And the people who have don't judge anyway. They just feel compassion.

Thank you so much for your kind post, it means alot. We're both feeling a bit crap after the days events and a bit of kindness does go along way.

I'm so sorry you've also been in a similar position. The judgment absolutely stings doesn't it

[quote Nopetryagain]**@Ionlydomassiveones Fri 11-Mar-22 14:46:50
Fair play to the bus driver for calling out what he thought was abuse. If you complain he might not bother in future. Just because he was wrong this time, and your DH is upset, is no need to make trouble for him. People complaining and kicking off at people intervening with good intentions is what drives people to turn a blind eye to potential abusive situations. YABU.

100% this.[/quote]
^this

You don’t know what the driver may have seen and how it looked. He made a snap judgement - sometimes you can’t pussy foot around!

I understand why your DH would be embarrassed or upset but honestly the driver did the right thing.

Safeguarding should be everyone’s business and far too often people turn a blind eye to parents being abusive to their children.