Bus driver accused DH of hitting our autistic son

[ASDfamily2]

I've just received a call from an upset DH who had taken our son (4 with autism) and daughter out with him.

He was sheltering in a bus stop as it started raining, DS was in his pram (he's not safe to walk) and was having an enormous meltdown because he didn't want the rain cover on.

The pram hood was pulled down and DS was pushing himself up inside the pram screaming like a banshee, so he was partially out of sight and his face couldn't be seen by this bus driver who had pulled up at the stop to collect waiting passengers.

He opened his cab door and asked DH, loudly, why he was hitting his son.

Fortunately for DH there was a lady sitting right next to him on the bench who could see everything that was going on up close, she immediately jumped to his defence and said he hasn't hit him at all. He didn't touch him. God knows why the driver jumped to that conclusion.

DH got understandably annoyed and said to the bus driver that DS is severely autistic and he's having a damn meltdown, not being hit, he has never hit him in his life.

DH chose to abort the trip and is now on his way home feeling hurt and angry.

I've never been accused of hitting DS in public but I have received many, many judgemental looks from people and shitty comments when DS had been throwing himself on the floor (hence the pram) or when I've had to hold him still to stop him throwing himself on the floor.

If it wasn't for that lady at the bus stop I dread to think what would have happened. What if the driver phoned the police? We could have lost our children.

I want to make a formal complaint but DH didn't note the reg.

If that's what a random bus driver thinks then god only knows what the neighbours think, with the amount of meltdowns DS has and how he sounds when he does.

I'm so sad and fed up that this is our life

Anybody who misinterprets an autistic meltdown for a child being abused needs to educate themselves on neurodiversity frankly.

Anyone who misinterprets a one off situation where a bus driver was concerned for a child into the police will be called and our children taken away needs to educate themselves on the role of social services and reality frankly.

[quote RockinHorseShit]@Shesmyperson I was coming from the POV that the bus driver massively over reacted & handled the situation badly potentially making the situation worse even if it had been genuine abuse of a DC. It wasn't a normal reaction. That doesn't come from nowhere [/quote]
No you said he 'clearly was abused'.

You have no clue and he wasn't 'clearly' doing anything.

The dh wasn't hitting his child. We know that. That doesn't mean from a different angle it didn't look like he was and the bus driver, must be an abuse victim and had a trauma response.

Making shit up doesn't help anyone at all. Essentially, you are saying abuse victims "clearly" have a trauma response where they see children being abused when they are not and go around making false allegations. Do you not see how ridiculous and quite offensive that is?

There is still a lot of stigma which is why a special needs child screaming and having a meltdown for many people means the parents are doing something wrong, in this case - hitting their kids.

People who don't have family members with significant disabilities do think the parents must be contributing to the issue and so making the jump from hearing a meltdown to the father must be hitting him is logical to them. Even seeing the child in a large special needs chair doesn't mean much to them. I think that is why so many in this thread agree with the driver that if they heard a child with special needs screaming / having a meltdown - they too would judge the parents and assume abuse.

It isn't that potential abuse shouldn't be reported. It is that parents of special needs kids shouldn't be assumed to be abusive because their children act in non societally conforming ways. We need better understanding of how kids with special needs can and do act and to help the general public realize that happens independent of abusive actions of the parents. That will help with the stares, glares, mean comments, assumptions of abuse etc.

I'm on the fence here. Whilst your DH is innocent and it was a misunderstanding (I would be upset too), I think it's a good thing that people are stepping up to challenge potential child abuse sightings. If only more people do. If the lady had witnessed your DH hitting the son then she could have supported what the bus driver had said. But of course your DH wasn't hitting the son so the lady backed him up.

Thank you she's myperson' you get what I meant rocking horse shit was projecting [on their experience] I have been a victim too but I never assume anything of anyone's background esp. a total stranger/

@Midlifemusings

There is still a lot of stigma which is why a special needs child screaming and having a meltdown for many people means the parents are doing something wrong, in this case - hitting their kids.

People who don't have family members with significant disabilities do think the parents must be contributing to the issue and so making the jump from hearing a meltdown to the father must be hitting him is logical to them. Even seeing the child in a large special needs chair doesn't mean much to them. I think that is why so many in this thread agree with the driver that if they heard a child with special needs screaming / having a meltdown - they too would judge the parents and assume abuse.

It isn't that potential abuse shouldn't be reported. It is that parents of special needs kids shouldn't be assumed to be abusive because their children act in non societally conforming ways. We need better understanding of how kids with special needs can and do act and to help the general public realize that happens independent of abusive actions of the parents. That will help with the stares, glares, mean comments, assumptions of abuse etc.

Brilliant post, thank you

Surely the issue of autism is irrelevant
The BD would have had no idea
He’d have just seen a scene which looked like a man beating his young child

Bus drivers are miserable cunts so I wouldn’t use their udgement to gauge the level from normal people

Not the point of the OP I know, but just chipping in to say that my severe ASD son feels the same way about rain covers, so we now make sure there's a good rain coat on his top half and cover his bottom half with a waterproof blanket. Works like a charm, his face gets wet (which he loves), and no meltdown. Just have to make sure the buggy dries so no mould. As you were...

@Regularsizedrudy

Bus drivers are miserable cunts so I wouldn’t use their udgement to gauge the level from normal people

😂😂

Would you prefer the bus driver not to say anything if he genuinely believed a child was being abused?

Good on the bus driver!

I rather people call out what they think is child abuse and get it wrong rather than be so worried to speak up out of fear they’ll lose their job.

Not sure what the relevance of him having autism is though. The driver himself could have autism.

@implantreplace

Surely the issue of autism is irrelevant The BD would have had no idea He’d have just seen a scene which looked like a man beating his young child

This, exactly. The bus driver wasn't to know so it is a good thing he followed his gut. His gut was wrong this time but what if next time his gut was right and he didn't follow it?

@implantreplace

Surely the issue of autism is irrelevant The BD would have had no idea He’d have just seen a scene which looked like a man beating his young child

It really didn't though, DS was thrashing around in the pram screaming. That's literally it. DH wasn't standing over the pram shouting or getting agitated. He was sat on the bench.

The best way to calm DS down is to let the meltdown take it's course and not try to intervene / stop him (unless it's a matter of safety which this wasn't as he was strapped in the pram)

@bigkicks

Not the point of the OP I know, but just chipping in to say that my severe ASD son feels the same way about rain covers, so we now make sure there's a good rain coat on his top half and cover his bottom half with a waterproof blanket. Works like a charm, his face gets wet (which he loves), and no meltdown. Just have to make sure the buggy dries so no mould. As you were...

Waterproof blanket.. great idea. I'll get one. Thank you

@WonderfulYou

Good on the bus driver!

I rather people call out what they think is child abuse and get it wrong rather than be so worried to speak up out of fear they’ll lose their job.

Not sure what the relevance of him having autism is though. The driver himself could have autism.

If he driver had autism he probably wouldn't be so ignorant as to correlate a screaming child to child abuse.

My DH has autism, even before we had DS he knew that autistic children can have upsetting meltdowns. He was one.

But it must have looked like it from his vantage point

And he wouldn’t have known the child was autistic

But he didn’t correlate child screaming with abuse

He’s a bus driver. He would have seen many many many a child screaming and tantruming

He thought your husband was hitting your child

Op you weren't there. You only have your husband's take on it. We believe your DH didn't hit your son. But obviously from the angle of the bus driver, it looked like he did. Why else would he say something?

@implantreplace

But it must have looked like it from his vantage point

And he wouldn’t have known the child was autistic

I fail to see how. It was a huge leap.

All he would've seen was a moving buggy with a partly visible child inside it thrashing about screaming.

Autism aside, children have tantrums all of the time. It's bizarre he jumped straight to assuming my little boy was being hit

PP got told off for saying so but actually I don't think it is too much of a leap to wonder whether he was projecting.

There was literally nothing to suggest DS was being hit. Nothing.

@implantreplace

But he didn’t correlate child screaming with abuse

He’s a bus driver. He would have seen many many many a child screaming and tantruming

He thought your husband was hitting your child

I know he did, which suggests to me that there's something wrong with his eyesight and he probably shouldn't be driving a double decker bus.

@Regularsizedrudy

Bus drivers are miserable cunts so I wouldn’t use their udgement to gauge the level from normal people

And all cab drivers are serial rapists. ......

Nothing like a bit of generalisation to muddy the waters .