Bus driver accused DH of hitting our autistic son

[ASDfamily2]

I've just received a call from an upset DH who had taken our son (4 with autism) and daughter out with him.

He was sheltering in a bus stop as it started raining, DS was in his pram (he's not safe to walk) and was having an enormous meltdown because he didn't want the rain cover on.

The pram hood was pulled down and DS was pushing himself up inside the pram screaming like a banshee, so he was partially out of sight and his face couldn't be seen by this bus driver who had pulled up at the stop to collect waiting passengers.

He opened his cab door and asked DH, loudly, why he was hitting his son.

Fortunately for DH there was a lady sitting right next to him on the bench who could see everything that was going on up close, she immediately jumped to his defence and said he hasn't hit him at all. He didn't touch him. God knows why the driver jumped to that conclusion.

DH got understandably annoyed and said to the bus driver that DS is severely autistic and he's having a damn meltdown, not being hit, he has never hit him in his life.

DH chose to abort the trip and is now on his way home feeling hurt and angry.

I've never been accused of hitting DS in public but I have received many, many judgemental looks from people and shitty comments when DS had been throwing himself on the floor (hence the pram) or when I've had to hold him still to stop him throwing himself on the floor.

If it wasn't for that lady at the bus stop I dread to think what would have happened. What if the driver phoned the police? We could have lost our children.

I want to make a formal complaint but DH didn't note the reg.

If that's what a random bus driver thinks then god only knows what the neighbours think, with the amount of meltdowns DS has and how he sounds when he does.

I'm so sad and fed up that this is our life

Wow , have just read " thick" and " moron" really??

@Vanderpump

You sound really angry but honestly the bus driver thought he was doing the right thing

I hope DS and DH are okay now

Thank you, they're fine now

I am quite annoyed I won't lie, some of the sarcastic comments on the thread have got my back up. I hate sarcasm and rudeness. I believe you can get your point across perfectly well without resorting to being an arse.

@ASDfamily2

It's virtue signalling at best, shouting at him and then driving off. Who was he helping?

Why didn't he call the police if he genuinely believed he was witnessing child abuse? That would be the last thing I would have wanted to happen, but it would be the right thing to do wouldn't it?

Shouting at somebody hurting a child then going on with your day puts the child at increased risk of more violence if anything.

But the woman at the bus stop told the driver he was mistaken, and then your husband explained that your son was having a meltdown surely that is why he drove on. The driver challenged the situation, he accepted the explanation, you are wringing more out of the situation than it warrants.

Maybe your husband needs to laminate some cards to hand out to passers by if your son has another meltdown and he is struggling to cope and there is no handy woman nearby.

“Thank you for your concern. My son is autistic and non verbal ( or whatever wording is appropriate) and when he gets frustrated he finds life very difficult and expresses himself in the only way he knows which I appreciate looks very distressing to a bystander”

Op

As soon as SS knew the child had autism
It would have cast a very different light on your neighbours accusations re the bruising

But no

Apparently SS decided, despite threadbare budgets, to dedicate “months” of investigation

the trouble today is you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. how many times do we read of people who turn a blind eye to a child that is possibly being ill-treated in or out of the home? A lot of people don't understand things like autism and even if they do is it something like that or ill-treatment. i am sorry your partner was given this treatment and it was good that the woman was there but on the other hand, it was good that the bus driver was trying to stop a child being hurt

You don’t like rudeness

And yet

* Are you being deliberately obtuse or are you and the PP who is banging the same drum just a bit thick?*

Everything would have been on the bus's CCTV. By stopping the driver was getting a clear view of the scene. If he hadn't have got the explanation that he did, he would have reported it on. Child protection is everyone's business and there's been a drive to get safeguarding in to other public facing job roles.
TBF, I'm surprised that SS didn't get your neighbour the helmet needed quicker, he should have been under the disability team and shouldn't have been left to bruise his head. Work with SS and they don't put you through months of hell.

"If it wasn't for the lady sitting next to OH at the bus stop we could have ended up with social services involvement at the very least. Involvement we don't need which would take resources away from children who are actually at risk."

Investigation doesn't take resources away from anyone else. The budgets are set differently. No-one loses their children if they act in the interests of their children.

As the parents of two children who aren't NT and one that needed a SE school and to be in a buggy into primary, you will have to learn to block the world out. I'd do a bit of talking therapy with your DH to get him over it.

@Ponoka7

Everything would have been on the bus's CCTV. By stopping the driver was getting a clear view of the scene. If he hadn't have got the explanation that he did, he would have reported it on. Child protection is everyone's business and there's been a drive to get safeguarding in to other public facing job roles. TBF, I'm surprised that SS didn't get your neighbour the helmet needed quicker, he should have been under the disability team and shouldn't have been left to bruise his head. Work with SS and they don't put you through months of hell.

"If it wasn't for the lady sitting next to OH at the bus stop we could have ended up with social services involvement at the very least. Involvement we don't need which would take resources away from children who are actually at risk."

Investigation doesn't take resources away from anyone else. The budgets are set differently. No-one loses their children if they act in the interests of their children.

As the parents of two children who aren't NT and one that needed a SE school and to be in a buggy into primary, you will have to learn to block the world out. I'd do a bit of talking therapy with your DH to get him over it.

Best post on the thread

Won’t go down well with the OP though
Brace yourself!

Is it possible your DH looked annoyed or aggravated and that’s why the driver thought something had happened? You are being quite aggressive to posters on this thread...

Thinking some more I remember taking my son out once with a bruise on his head, he was a toddler in the pram and one woman came up to me and demanded to know what happened to his face, I just walked on and ignored her as I thought it was rude to walk up to strangers and demand to know what had happened as if I was abusing him, as I walked on she shouted “bitch!” at me, honestly some people are just on high alert and quick to jump to child abuse...

«Moron» , but you think the driver needs re-educating

You’re very defensive.

The facts are someone thought they saw a child being hit and said something.
How can that ever be something to complain about?

Yet you’re annoyed that 1. they said something and 2. they then drove off - what would rather they do? Not say anything at all or taken your son off him until the police arrived?

Realistically, there was no way for the driver to pick up that the child was autistic. He had a bus to control and wouldn't be able to focus all his attention on OP's DH. But he wouldn't have entirely fabricated things. He had no reason to. For some reason he got the impression that hitting had been involved, and he did what he felt right. He then accepted the woman's explanation, and had she not been there and DH explained the child's disability, the driver would probably have accepted his explanation too. I very much doubt he'd have taken it further. I think his intention was probably more to stop things in their tracks.

Also I posted a few weeks ago about something that could be linked to child abuse but wasn’t sure if I was overreacting or not - every single poster told me to report it and I’m glad I did.

I would rather be a bit embarrassed that I’ve overreacted than leave it and the child suffer because someone has turned a blind eye to it or was worried about the consequences.

Ok, so you refuse to believe that the bus drivers actions were coming from a place of concern so what exactly do you think his motivation was?

Neighbour reported friend to social services because she was concerned about all of the banging and screaming coming from the house at all hours, she wasn't aware the boy was autistic.

Social services got involved and ended up accusing my friend of child abuse because her son had bruises on his head.

Well, yes. My older brother was autistic and our mother said he banged his head when it was reported that he had bruising.

Thing is, he only 'banged his head' when her hand was repeatedly pushing it into the doorframes and floor at considerable speed and force. Whilst hissing at him that she hated him and wished he was dead (and obviously he was screaming in terror and pain).

It's not just NT children that get abused.

I don't know why people think the only two options are

1. turn a blind eye and do nothing

2. immediately jump to the conclusion that is abuse and accuse someone of hitting their child without an evidence to substantiate that.

There are other options. He could have intervened by asking what was happening. He could have expressed concern for the child and asked if the child was okay. He could have asked the woman what was going on. He could have asked OPs DH what was happening. He could have called a supervisor or the police to report witnessing a man hitting a child if that is truly what he believed he saw. However if OPs DH was sitting on the bench while the child was screaming - what did he see that he interpreted as a man hitting a child? Did he really observe OP's DH acting in a motion that would lead to the conclusion that this man is hitting his child? And if he saw that why would he believe DH saying he wasn't hitting the child. If I saw someone hitting another person, the abuser's denials wouldn't change what I observed. So why didn't he report it? Why just drive off and leave a child who he believed was being abused based on what he witnessed?

The options aren't do nothing or make accusations without evidence. And if you have evidence, then you report it immediately.

@Midlifemusings

I don't know why people think the only two options are

1. turn a blind eye and do nothing

2. immediately jump to the conclusion that is abuse and accuse someone of hitting their child without an evidence to substantiate that.

There are other options. He could have intervened by asking what was happening. He could have expressed concern for the child and asked if the child was okay. He could have asked the woman what was going on. He could have asked OPs DH what was happening. He could have called a supervisor or the police to report witnessing a man hitting a child if that is truly what he believed he saw. However if OPs DH was sitting on the bench while the child was screaming - what did he see that he interpreted as a man hitting a child? Did he really observe OP's DH acting in a motion that would lead to the conclusion that this man is hitting his child? And if he saw that why would he believe DH saying he wasn't hitting the child. If I saw someone hitting another person, the abuser's denials wouldn't change what I observed. So why didn't he report it? Why just drive off and leave a child who he believed was being abused based on what he witnessed?

The options aren't do nothing or make accusations without evidence. And if you have evidence, then you report it immediately.

Because the woman also backed him up? I’m sure if she didn’t he would have took it further, at the end of the day op wasn’t there so can’t say what actually happened, maybe there is more to it..

these things happen just have to chalk em up to ignorance.

I had to take my son to hospital to get his head glued after the goal posts fell on him at school, he had blood all down his face and all over his polo shirt, on the way home some bloke came up to me and said "did you hit him?"

@AHungryCaterpillar

So if DH wasn't hitting the child and the woman backed him up, what did the driver see that gave him evidence that DH was hitting the child? He may have been concerned by the screaming but what connects screaming to a parent hitting the child since that wasn't actually happening?

The issue for me isn't that he was concerned by the screaming - that is fine. It is that he jumped to accusing DH of hitting the child without any evidence that was happening. Kids with special needs have meltdowns and scream. It doesn't automatically mean their parents are hitting them. And that belief that it was a fair assumption and accusation and that people should accuse parents of hitting if they see a child with special needs melting down, as most posts on here are supporting, is based on discriminatory attitudes. The idea that it is possible the screaming was due to hitting so it is okay for the driver to assume all screaming is due to hitting is very problematic.

I think the thing is we and the op are only getting one side of the story, I don’t know what the driver seen but he obviously saw what he thought looked like hitting he has no reason to make it up. If the DH was genuinely just sitting on the bench then I doubt the driver would have said anything. We only have one side to this.

Your h isn't unreasonable to feel shit about the accusation and it was very lucky that he was sat with a woman.

Ime it's unusual for people to call out abuse. (I know your son wasn't being abused btw) If he think he saw abuse then he did the right thing.

Your expectations that a member of the public can distinguish between a child with autism having a meltdown and a child who'd just been hit crying hysterically is very unreasonable. (Plus a child with autism could be the victim of being hit)

He should have asked if everything was ok rather than leap to the physical abuse allegation but maybe it was a jerk reaction to seeing what he thought he saw?

Regardless of the rights or wrongs here, hows about we stop goading the OP, who probably has a damn hard time of it in real life.

@ASDfamily2

It's virtue signalling at best, shouting at him and then driving off. Who was he helping?

Why didn't he call the police if he genuinely believed he was witnessing child abuse? That would be the last thing I would have wanted to happen, but it would be the right thing to do wouldn't it?

Shouting at somebody hurting a child then going on with your day puts the child at increased risk of more violence if anything.

I thought you said a woman standing by defender your DH? So maybe that’s why he didn’t take it further.

Assumptions like this are the reasons why some men are so afraid to be alone with their children

They are also the reason parents of kids with SEN are reluctant to go out in public. It’s all very well saying “at least people are concerned about welfare” but it doesn’t take a genius to guess which parents will be accused of it most often. One more thing for us to have to contend with.