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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bus driver accused DH of hitting our autistic son

201 replies

ASDfamily2 · 11/03/2022 14:12

I've just received a call from an upset DH who had taken our son (4 with autism) and daughter out with him.

He was sheltering in a bus stop as it started raining, DS was in his pram (he's not safe to walk) and was having an enormous meltdown because he didn't want the rain cover on.

The pram hood was pulled down and DS was pushing himself up inside the pram screaming like a banshee, so he was partially out of sight and his face couldn't be seen by this bus driver who had pulled up at the stop to collect waiting passengers.

He opened his cab door and asked DH, loudly, why he was hitting his son.

Fortunately for DH there was a lady sitting right next to him on the bench who could see everything that was going on up close, she immediately jumped to his defence and said he hasn't hit him at all. He didn't touch him. God knows why the driver jumped to that conclusion.

DH got understandably annoyed and said to the bus driver that DS is severely autistic and he's having a damn meltdown, not being hit, he has never hit him in his life.

DH chose to abort the trip and is now on his way home feeling hurt and angry.

I've never been accused of hitting DS in public but I have received many, many judgemental looks from people and shitty comments when DS had been throwing himself on the floor (hence the pram) or when I've had to hold him still to stop him throwing himself on the floor.

If it wasn't for that lady at the bus stop I dread to think what would have happened. What if the driver phoned the police? We could have lost our children.

I want to make a formal complaint but DH didn't note the reg.

If that's what a random bus driver thinks then god only knows what the neighbours think, with the amount of meltdowns DS has and how he sounds when he does.

I'm so sad and fed up that this is our life

OP posts:
MagnoliaXYZ · 11/03/2022 22:14

The bus driver did the right thing standing up for a child he thought was being mistreated, good on him!

Haffiana · 11/03/2022 22:17

As a parent I applaud that bus driver. I wish there were more like him.

Qwartz · 11/03/2022 22:36

The bus driver was looking out for your son. The same way that you and your husband look out for him.

Bus driver doesn't know h from Adam, hence the accusation.

Calm down and stop stressing.

And yes, I've been there.. Be lucky that you have support.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 11/03/2022 23:02

I could understand if your dh was leaning over ds or blocked somehow by the hood so the bus driver misinterpreted it as dh hitting him

Was ds facing dh sitting on the bench? I guess in that case maybe the bus driver thought something had happend

You have to have a thick skin after a while. And never make eye contact with anyone during a meltdown!

It's shit, you feel judged as it is without people shouting at you.

I remember one time on a bus holding the pushchair down as ds was reacting so violently , he scratched all my arms and managed to rip my top from one side to the other with his teeth

When we got off the bus a women came up to me and was really kind, I cried.

Flowers for you and dh

normandyglow · 12/03/2022 10:02

The bus driver was very brave!
If he'd accused my dh of hitting our child in public it would be the bus driver with the bruises.

I'd make the complainant op he humiliated him in the street probably in front of other passengers and then your dh and son ended up walking home!

Turningpurple · 12/03/2022 10:11

@normandyglow

The bus driver was very brave! If he'd accused my dh of hitting our child in public it would be the bus driver with the bruises.

I'd make the complainant op he humiliated him in the street probably in front of other passengers and then your dh and son ended up walking home!

So your husband would respond to be accused of violence with violence. Probably ending up witha criminal record.

And people wonder why people don't step in.

The bus driver specifically said hitting the child. So, I would guess, that's what he thought he saw wrongly or rightly.

What would the complaint achieve? He wouldn't be disciplined if he saws he genuinely thought he saw him hit the child. They will probably tell him that in future he isn't to say anything to anyone, regardless of what he sees and move on. Thats not helpful at all. Even worse, bus driver could stand by what he said he saw.

implantreplace · 12/03/2022 10:16

@normandyglow

The bus driver was very brave! If he'd accused my dh of hitting our child in public it would be the bus driver with the bruises.

I'd make the complainant op he humiliated him in the street probably in front of other passengers and then your dh and son ended up walking home!

I want the op to make a complaint

The company won’t remotely discipline him (and rightfully so)

Instead they will probably be obliged to contact SS

So will backfire big time on OP

mnetting · 12/03/2022 10:36

@WonderfulYou

You’re very defensive.

The facts are someone thought they saw a child being hit and said something.
How can that ever be something to complain about?

Yet you’re annoyed that 1. they said something and 2. they then drove off - what would rather they do? Not say anything at all or taken your son off him until the police arrived?

I think where the op and her dh feelings stem from is humiliation. It's not nice to be publicly shamed and it feels unjust so regardless of anything else she feels hurt and I totally get that especially when they are dealing with it daily. I think the thoughts of needing to report the driver come from wanting to humiliate him back or to prove him wrong but in reality this won't change anything, you'll just end up feeling bitter and vengeful every time someone gets it wrong.
implantreplace · 12/03/2022 10:38

There is not even the remotest chance that the bus driver would feel humiliated for a passenger complaint that the bus driver expressed vocal concern that a child was being abused.

implantreplace · 12/03/2022 10:38

Quite the opposite in fact!

mnetting · 12/03/2022 10:46

@implantreplace

Quite the opposite in fact!
Yes he would feel very proud of himself that he'd come to the same conclusion of error that everyone else will on a daily basis but that doesn't mean the OP and her DH don't have every reason to feel pissed off about it.
implantreplace · 12/03/2022 10:55

Not proud

But sure as heck not humiliated

Why would he?

Added to which, he would have had NO idea the child had autism

And remember this is a bus driver
More familiar with toddler tantrumn than most

toomuchlaundry · 12/03/2022 10:59

@ASDfamily2 do you think your friend’s neighbour shouldn’t have reported seeing bruises on the friend’s DC and had heard banging and screaming in the house. Because a child has autism doesn’t mean they can’t be abused.

Safeguarding concerns often go hand in hand with SEN as the DC are more vulnerable.

Underhisi · 12/03/2022 11:12

"Instead they will probably be obliged to contact SS"

I wish people would stop using social services as a threat to stop people complaining about perceived injustice. I don't agree with complaining in this instance but not because social services might investigate. Many families with disabled children will eventually have social services input as all disabled children are classed as children in need and promoting a big bad wolf view isn't helpful or to tell people to put up with poor treatment because of it.

implantreplace · 12/03/2022 11:14

It wasn’t a threat

I think very sensible

And that would be the procedure

Underhisi · 12/03/2022 11:20

So what if it is. Why all the talk of back firing. Why tell someone you shouldn't report for that reason. The threat of if you complain about...., something will happen, is used all the time to parents of disabled children and used to silence them.

CarlCarlson · 12/03/2022 11:22

Poor bus driver can’t win. He thought he saw something and intervened. If he hadn’t intervened and it had been child mistreatment he would have got shit for that too.

mnetting · 12/03/2022 11:27

Anybody who misinterprets an autistic meltdown for a child being abused needs to educate themselves on neurodiversity frankly.
Absolutely but they won't they just expect ND people to find coping strategies to minimise the effects of their their differences on society and expect them find ways to be like them.

Neurodiverse people should be accepted for who they are instead of being forced to behave in a way that isn't normal or possible for them because it's normal for neurotypicals so it's right.
And no ND or people with ND children should not have to explain themselves to ignorant people who don't understand.

implantreplace · 12/03/2022 11:28

@Underhisi

So what if it is. Why all the talk of back firing. Why tell someone you shouldn't report for that reason. The threat of if you complain about...., something will happen, is used all the time to parents of disabled children and used to silence them.
Because I didn’t think the OP was remotely being fair So I used the word “back firing” as she’s insistent that the OP was absolutely malicious in his expression of concern
implantreplace · 12/03/2022 11:29

The BD malicious I meant to say

implantreplace · 12/03/2022 11:29

@mnetting

Anybody who misinterprets an autistic meltdown for a child being abused needs to educate themselves on neurodiversity frankly. Absolutely but they won't they just expect ND people to find coping strategies to minimise the effects of their their differences on society and expect them find ways to be like them.

Neurodiverse people should be accepted for who they are instead of being forced to behave in a way that isn't normal or possible for them because it's normal for neurotypicals so it's right.
And no ND or people with ND children should not have to explain themselves to ignorant people who don't understand.

How on earth did this BD know the child was ND?
Hoppinggreen · 12/03/2022 11:41

@normandyglow

The bus driver was very brave! If he'd accused my dh of hitting our child in public it would be the bus driver with the bruises.

I'd make the complainant op he humiliated him in the street probably in front of other passengers and then your dh and son ended up walking home!

Prize for the most stupid post of the day goes to ...............
BungleandGeorge · 12/03/2022 12:14

I don’t think any medical condition is a reason not to report a child frequently screaming, crying, head banging next door or a child with visibly bruises. Children with challenging behaviour are more vulnerable. If it’s a genuine concern it’s always right to report. I think it’s fine to be critical of how the report is handled and the amount of support carers receive but not of anyone raising a genuine concern.
I think the chances of ss managing to even identify someone in the circumstances you describe are minuscule, I don’t think your husband has anything to worry about

CapMarvel · 12/03/2022 12:32

@normandyglow

The bus driver was very brave! If he'd accused my dh of hitting our child in public it would be the bus driver with the bruises.

I'd make the complainant op he humiliated him in the street probably in front of other passengers and then your dh and son ended up walking home!

Your DH sounds like a dick TBH.
Citabell · 12/03/2022 12:35

@normandyglow

The bus driver was very brave! If he'd accused my dh of hitting our child in public it would be the bus driver with the bruises.

I'd make the complainant op he humiliated him in the street probably in front of other passengers and then your dh and son ended up walking home!

Yes your DH hitting the driver in front of your child would be a really great way of proving he doesn't hit his child. Someone who would be violent in that situation probably should be having a word with themselves.