Bus driver accused DH of hitting our autistic son

[ASDfamily2]

I've just received a call from an upset DH who had taken our son (4 with autism) and daughter out with him.

He was sheltering in a bus stop as it started raining, DS was in his pram (he's not safe to walk) and was having an enormous meltdown because he didn't want the rain cover on.

The pram hood was pulled down and DS was pushing himself up inside the pram screaming like a banshee, so he was partially out of sight and his face couldn't be seen by this bus driver who had pulled up at the stop to collect waiting passengers.

He opened his cab door and asked DH, loudly, why he was hitting his son.

Fortunately for DH there was a lady sitting right next to him on the bench who could see everything that was going on up close, she immediately jumped to his defence and said he hasn't hit him at all. He didn't touch him. God knows why the driver jumped to that conclusion.

DH got understandably annoyed and said to the bus driver that DS is severely autistic and he's having a damn meltdown, not being hit, he has never hit him in his life.

DH chose to abort the trip and is now on his way home feeling hurt and angry.

I've never been accused of hitting DS in public but I have received many, many judgemental looks from people and shitty comments when DS had been throwing himself on the floor (hence the pram) or when I've had to hold him still to stop him throwing himself on the floor.

If it wasn't for that lady at the bus stop I dread to think what would have happened. What if the driver phoned the police? We could have lost our children.

I want to make a formal complaint but DH didn't note the reg.

If that's what a random bus driver thinks then god only knows what the neighbours think, with the amount of meltdowns DS has and how he sounds when he does.

I'm so sad and fed up that this is our life

@Soubriquet

This is the only time I will ever make this argument but I honestly. Would you be praising the bus driver if the OP was the one accused of hitting the child?

I bet not. It’s because it was a man.

Assumptions like this are the reasons why some men are so afraid to be alone with their children

Yes. I absolutely would.

I would be supportive of the bus driver no matter the sex of either party. People need to speak out when they see things. Fair enough some times we're wrong, but some times we're not.

He did what he thought best when he witnessed abuse.

The driver doesn't know your dh or your ds. He doesn't know what the background is so handled it based on what he interpreted.

Your dh needs to think about this from the drivers perspective, but I appreciate that your dh was clearly in a hugely stressful situation and can appreciate that in the heat of the moment he obviously took the wrong view on it.

@Soubriquet

This is the only time I will ever make this argument but I honestly. Would you be praising the bus driver if the OP was the one accused of hitting the child?

I bet not. It’s because it was a man.

Assumptions like this are the reasons why some men are so afraid to be alone with their children

Yes, I would praise the bus driver for intervening if a woman was hitting a child.

What you’re saying is the bus driver only intervened because it was a man? Maybe that’s true.

But everyone should intervene regardless of what sex the person is if an adult is hitting a child.

@Pugtails

It’s awful and I’d be tempted to report. They have cctv on the buses that would identify the driver that stopped at that time. Sorry your DH had to deal with that

My husband is a bus driver and they don't all have CCTC on all busses and the ones that do don't always work.

You don't need a reg number if you're gonna report him OP. Just the stop and time and the company will know which bus and driver it was from that, but I'll be honest, probably nothing will happen.

I can totally see why it upset your dh and I really feel for him but society is also told if you think a child is being harmed and you look the other way it or do nothing about it then you're part of the problem. From a different angle and with the screaming it might have looked like he was being rough with a child and if he genuinely thought someone was harming a child then intervening is something many people would do.

It doesn't make your day to day life any easier though and I can totally see why it's been upsetting and how it would make you worry about being judged though.

My husband saw something very upsetting on his first week but talked himself out of approaching the situation in case he got it wrong and ended up with a complaint against him as well as offending a woman he thought might not have been ok. He deeply deeply regrets not trusting his gut because his gut was correct but he could have very easily really upset someone or got a slap if he had been wrong and he was told by his employer he wouldn't have been disciplined.

In this situation he would have asked if your dh was ok and if he needed help getting on the bus and offered to collapse pram, carry bags etc

DH didn't want to complain, for all of the reasons mentioned throughout the thread, so we're not.

I'm just hurt because he's hurting. He's the most gentle man I know and would never harm a hair on our children's heads.

He has aspergers himself and he'll struggle to forget about this, it'll shake his confidence in going out alone with the kids in the future I just know it.

I mean the bus driver thought your DH was hitting your DS, he stepped in and spoke up, and got it wrong. What did the bus driver say when the woman at the bus stop corrected him?

It obviously hurt your DH to be told that, however the bus driver thought he was doing the right thing, by calling it out. On one hand we want strangers to step in when something is wrong especially with children, but that also means that people are going to get it wrong.

What would you want to achieve by complaining to the bus company?

@ASDfamily2

DH didn't want to complain, for all of the reasons mentioned throughout the thread, so we're not.

I'm just hurt because he's hurting. He's the most gentle man I know and would never harm a hair on our children's heads.

He has aspergers himself and he'll struggle to forget about this, it'll shake his confidence in going out alone with the kids in the future I just know it.

My DH would also be devastated if this happened to him and would struggle to get past it. He's also a very loving and hands-on Dad who would never harm a hair of their heads. ASD meltdowns were quite gruesome when our DS was around 3-6yo, it's traumatic enough trying to deal with that on a bus, without being accused to child abuse as well.

I don't know what you can do other than give him tons of support and reassurance that he's done nothing wrong, that he's trusted and believed in by you and the children, which is what counts

we need a little bit more common sense. the bus driver is wrong to assume. and should know the diffrence of a child having a meltdown.
or being attacked.

but in my view its good we have people ready to jump to a childs defence if something was happening. the amount of horrific parents in the world not just in england but all around the world is vile and if we can save i child from any type of physical abuse then thats good and part of being human. the amount of abuse that goes on around the world is sick. and the law needs to change no one has a right to touch anyone. least of all the people who are meant to be the protectors.

but yes op i see why you would be bemused at such a allegation on a bus. i would personally complain to the bus service if you feel judged.

@YouCantTourniquetTheTaint

I mean the bus driver thought your DH was hitting your DS, he stepped in and spoke up, and got it wrong. What did the bus driver say when the woman at the bus stop corrected him?

It obviously hurt your DH to be told that, however the bus driver thought he was doing the right thing, by calling it out. On one hand we want strangers to step in when something is wrong especially with children, but that also means that people are going to get it wrong.

What would you want to achieve by complaining to the bus company?

The bus driver didn't say anything at all when the woman witness corrected him. He just closed his cab door and drove off.

Unsurprisingly a strange man raising his voice at DH just prolonged DS' meltdown.

There is a difference between the driver seeing a situation that was concerning and the driver seeing a situation and immediately jumping to the conclusion that OPs DH was hitting the child and being physically abusive.

It is good to speak up and report if you see something concerning - it is not good to make accusations of crimes when you don't have all the facts or information.

If the bus driver (or anyone, in fact) honestly thought that a child was being hit wouldn't you want them to intervene?

I'm sure it was a stressful situation but the bus driver has done nothing wrong. DH and you are massively overreacting.

They weren't actually on the bus, or getting on a bus, just sitting in the bus stop for shelter as it was chucking it down and DS was refusing the rain cover.

DH and you are massively overreacting

Oh really, and how many times have you been accused of child abuse then?

@ASDfamily2

DH and you are massively overreacting

Oh really, and how many times have you been accused of child abuse then?

If you thought a kid was being hit by a grown adult would you just sit there and watch it then?

I think you’re massively overreacting at what was actually quite a good thing to have happened. The bus driver thought a child was being abused and was going to do something about it. Wouldn’t you rather that than he just ignored it? He was wrong, so it’s irrelevant anyway. I understand it might’ve upset your husband, but if I thought I saw a child being abused I would’ve done the exact same and I’d like to think most people would

Personally I wouldn't 'call out' someone for hitting a child unless I as damn sure I had seen them hitting a child.

Which this guy can't have done, because it didn't happen.

If I saw someone hitting a child, absolutely I'd raise a massive stink and call the police, but that isn't what happened here. This driver assumed the child was being hit, he didn't witness an assault.

I’m sorry your dh went through that.
It would be enough to ruin anyones day and for me it would probably be stuck in my mind for a while.
I think the bus driver did the right thing.
He shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions and he should have apologised as soon as he was corrected but he stopped and said something because he wanted to help someone in need.

If you thought a kid was being hit by a grown adult would you just sit there and watch it then?

Obviously not, nor would I jump to the conclusion that a child was being hit just because they were screaming.

Anybody who misinterprets an autistic meltdown for a child being abused needs to educate themselves on neurodiversity frankly.

@thebellsesmereldathebells

Personally I wouldn't 'call out' someone for hitting a child unless I as damn sure I had seen them hitting a child.

Which this guy can't have done, because it didn't happen.

If I saw someone hitting a child, absolutely I'd raise a massive stink and call the police, but that isn't what happened here. This driver assumed the child was being hit, he didn't witness an assault.

The bus driver obviously thought that was what was happening though.

Far better to risk making a mistake and slightly upsetting an adult in such a situation.

@RockinHorseShit

I'm sorry your DH had to deal with that, it's dreadful

BUT he is going to need to get a thicker skin as you know too well yourself as people are too often ignorant judgemental arseholes around SN kids

He needs to reframe this in his head. That bus driver was clearly an abused child & so his reaction was coloured by his own shit, not by your DH. He thought he was saving a child from his own trauma. That's why he saw the worst. Your DH educated him & needs to accept that as he did just fine in a shitty situation

What a load of bollocks! How could you possibly think that ?? User name is very apt.

@viques

I am sorry your husband is so upset, and I hope when he calms down he will appreciate that the bus driver had a child’s best interest at heart. Maybe if more people took a moment to intervene and make it their business to call out violent or threatening behaviours there would be fewer violent and threatening behaviours to call out, in public at least, sadly it will take more than concerned bus drivers to stop violence in private.

I noticed an advert on tv last night, men being encouraged to challenge other men on cat calling and other unacceptable behaviours towards women. It’s a start.

This exactly.

Life must be really difficult OP, but I think just having a standard answer ready is the best solution.

If the driver had reported it and somehow identified you, you would not be in any danger at all from SS, they are well aware that people who don't have SN kids can't always recognise what's going on.

@ASDfamily2

If you thought a kid was being hit by a grown adult would you just sit there and watch it then?

Obviously not, nor would I jump to the conclusion that a child was being hit just because they were screaming.

Anybody who misinterprets an autistic meltdown for a child being abused needs to educate themselves on neurodiversity frankly.

You don't know what the bus driver thought he saw though.

I get it's not pleasant for your DH, I really do, but the choice here is people making genuine mistakes such as in this case and people not stepping in when there is actual abuse going on.

What if the driver phoned the police? We could have lost our children.

😂 I don't even mean to laugh but please get a grip. This is overly dramatic and most definitely wouldn't have happened.

Good on the bus driver for saying something and not just driving past. In this instance he got it wrong but it's better to be wrong then to turn a blind eye to something you think is happening

@thebellsesmereldathebells

Personally I wouldn't 'call out' someone for hitting a child unless I as damn sure I had seen them hitting a child.

Which this guy can't have done, because it didn't happen.

If I saw someone hitting a child, absolutely I'd raise a massive stink and call the police, but that isn't what happened here. This driver assumed the child was being hit, he didn't witness an assault.

All it takes is a dodgy angle and he may have thought he saw something. DH pulling his arm back while wrestling with the cover and the child's reaction (pulling away and screaming). TBH if I saw something like that from behind and couldn't see the cover, I'd probably think the same, but I'd be convinced what I saw was correct until another logical explanation could be given.

Poor example, but like when you see someone wave in the street and you are convinced beyond all shadow of a doubt that they are waving at you and so you wave back...only to then realise they are playing with their hair or something.

So yes, while he didn't witness assault, he was obviously convinced enough that he had until it was obvious that it wasn't.

All of that makes sense in my head.

@walkingbaby

What if the driver phoned the police? We could have lost our children.

😂 I don't even mean to laugh but please get a grip. This is overly dramatic and most definitely wouldn't have happened.

Good on the bus driver for saying something and not just driving past. In this instance he got it wrong but it's better to be wrong then to turn a blind eye to something you think is happening

You don't mean to laugh but sat and typed that out including an emoji to highlight your point?

Yes I can see how that was a total accident.