Bus driver accused DH of hitting our autistic son

[ASDfamily2]

I've just received a call from an upset DH who had taken our son (4 with autism) and daughter out with him.

He was sheltering in a bus stop as it started raining, DS was in his pram (he's not safe to walk) and was having an enormous meltdown because he didn't want the rain cover on.

The pram hood was pulled down and DS was pushing himself up inside the pram screaming like a banshee, so he was partially out of sight and his face couldn't be seen by this bus driver who had pulled up at the stop to collect waiting passengers.

He opened his cab door and asked DH, loudly, why he was hitting his son.

Fortunately for DH there was a lady sitting right next to him on the bench who could see everything that was going on up close, she immediately jumped to his defence and said he hasn't hit him at all. He didn't touch him. God knows why the driver jumped to that conclusion.

DH got understandably annoyed and said to the bus driver that DS is severely autistic and he's having a damn meltdown, not being hit, he has never hit him in his life.

DH chose to abort the trip and is now on his way home feeling hurt and angry.

I've never been accused of hitting DS in public but I have received many, many judgemental looks from people and shitty comments when DS had been throwing himself on the floor (hence the pram) or when I've had to hold him still to stop him throwing himself on the floor.

If it wasn't for that lady at the bus stop I dread to think what would have happened. What if the driver phoned the police? We could have lost our children.

I want to make a formal complaint but DH didn't note the reg.

If that's what a random bus driver thinks then god only knows what the neighbours think, with the amount of meltdowns DS has and how he sounds when he does.

I'm so sad and fed up that this is our life

* which suggests to me that there's something wrong with his eyesight and he probably shouldn't be driving a double decker bus.*

Rightio!

* I fail to see how. It was a huge leap.*

You fail to see how from his vantage point he thought your DH was hitting your thrashing child.

Seriously - he’s a bus driver. Would have seen more tantrumns than you and I put together.

Why on earth would he bother to say anything unless he was concerned?

😂😂😂 ah yes, of course there must be something wrong with his eye sight. Of course.

but a disabled child, one who gets agitated and screams loudly unexpectedly and uncontrollably, may also be suffering abuse.
we cannot assume anything.
this is a general point.
not disputing OP scenario.
but i would commend the driver for being so public spirited.

@alexdgr8

but a disabled child, one who gets agitated and screams loudly unexpectedly and uncontrollably, may also be suffering abuse. we cannot assume anything. this is a general point. not disputing OP scenario. but i would commend the driver for being so public spirited.

Me too

He had absolutely nothing to gain from it
And, as a bus driver, would be at the bleeding edge of having seen tantrumns and all manner of children

Sorry but it's not acceptable to go around throwing about such dangerous accusations without any evidence at all. It just isn't.

He didn't save anybody today, he just further upset my already distressed son and offended my husband.

As I said on a previous page my kind and caring friend was dragged through months of hell with social services after her idiot neighbour jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Unacceptable.

Innocent people shouldn't have to deal with this crap just because it might, hypothetically, but probably won't, help someone else some day.

As PP said.. suppose DH was hitting DS. What exactly did the bus driver shouting at him and driving off achieve?

It's virtue signalling at best, shouting at him and then driving off. Who was he helping?

Why didn't he call the police if he genuinely believed he was witnessing child abuse? That would be the last thing I would have wanted to happen, but it would be the right thing to do wouldn't it?

Shouting at somebody hurting a child then going on with your day puts the child at increased risk of more violence if anything.

If he driver had autism he probably wouldn't be so ignorant as to correlate a screaming child to child abuse.

You said he accused him of hitting him?

Kids have meltdowns all of the time it doesn’t mean they’re autistic and the bus driver shouldn’t care whether they are autistic or not. If you think someone’s hitting a child you call them out on it.

Wow. Your husband is an adult he should take it on the chin. Many people wouldn't intervene if they thought a child was being hit. The bus driver did - I think that is a good thing. He wasn't hitting him and said so. What's the issue

You would have been much more angry if he had called the police and would be on here asking why he didn’t just speak to your DH and ask him what he was doing 🙄

You also don’t need the reg to report it - sounds like there’s more to this story than your DH is telling.

Sorry but it's not acceptable to go around throwing about such dangerous accusations without any evidence at all. It just isn't.

He thought he did have “evidence”. What he had witnessed, which turned out to be inaccurate.

Seriously OP. I get that your DH was embarrassed but I applaud the bus driver. He have NOTHING to gain. He would have no doubt seen thousands of tantrums in his time as a bus driver.

One of our children (now diagnosed but not then) was having a big meltdown in the park aged 9 or so. I was trying to get him back home, and he wouldn't move. I noticed a woman a few feet away seemed to be videoing it all on her phone.

I felt massively embarrassed and upset at the time, because I knew it was just a meltdown. But later, thinking about it, I thought that if my child had been screaming and crying because some stranger was trying to take him, actually I'd be pleased that someone was noticing he was distressed and was actually watching out for him.
Still really hard at the time, but the driver in your case was doing the right thing in being concerned, though he shouldn't have leapt to conclusions.

I want the OP to complain
Because pretty sure the bus company will be required to contact SS if they speak with him and he expresses his concern re what he saw

@WonderfulYou

If he driver had autism he probably wouldn't be so ignorant as to correlate a screaming child to child abuse.

You said he accused him of hitting him?

Kids have meltdowns all of the time it doesn’t mean they’re autistic and the bus driver shouldn’t care whether they are autistic or not. If you think someone’s hitting a child you call them out on it.

Yes it went from the bus driver accusing him of hitting the child

To the bus driver confusing screaming child with child abuse

As I said on a previous page my kind and caring friend was dragged through months of hell with social services after her idiot neighbour jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Yeah right. SS have the resources for months of investigation and involvement based on one neighbours accusation with no evidence

Sure

@ASDfamily2

It's virtue signalling at best, shouting at him and then driving off. Who was he helping?

Why didn't he call the police if he genuinely believed he was witnessing child abuse? That would be the last thing I would have wanted to happen, but it would be the right thing to do wouldn't it?

Shouting at somebody hurting a child then going on with your day puts the child at increased risk of more violence if anything.

Who said he was planning in shouting and then going to go on with his day?

Funny how you have gone from understanding that people should call our abuse and your dh felt the same. To now deciding the man must have done it maliciously or didn't see what he said he saw. And then now saying he won have made it worse if your husband was hitting you child

Yes it went from the bus driver accusing him of hitting the child. To the bus driver confusing screaming child with child abuse

Are you being deliberately obtuse or are you and the PP who is banging the same drum just a bit thick?

DS was screaming. The driver accused DH of hitting him. That IS accusing him of child abuse is it not?

I think there is more to this than your DH is telling you

I really don't believe so. I know DH inside out. He has never so much as shouted at DS, not even when DS has been hitting him in the face. He would never hurt him not in a million years.

He is the gentle parenting type.

OP. Serious question. Why have you posted on AIBU if you aren't willing to accept YABU?

Hurtful and difficult but the bus driver followed up on his concerns. Your poor husband was already having a difficult enough time but I wouldn't complain.

As much as I sympathise, I don't think a complaint would be the right way forward. The driver saw what he thought was a child being abused. He was wrong and shouldn't be penalised for trying to intervene.
If people are in fear of having a complaint made about them because they called out child abuse, then they would think twice about it and maybe not report it.
I also have an autistic son with a high level of complex needs and two years ago my neighbours (I'd only been living there 6 months) decided to report me to social services with a catalogue of my alleged neglect. Although my son has a disability social worker who was in close contact with us during the pandemic, we still had the child protection team come out. All of it was found to be nonsense and largely borne of ignorance of parenting a child with additional needs. Although I was affected by it, I wasn't angry with my neighbours (except for one but that's another story) because they had my son's best interests at heart. Children like ours are more likely to be abused because they aren't able to tell anyone and I'd rather a parent suffer from embarrassment for a while than risk an abused child slipping through the net.

@implantreplace

*As I said on a previous page my kind and caring friend was dragged through months of hell with social services after her idiot neighbour jumped to the wrong conclusion.*

Yeah right. SS have the resources for months of investigation and involvement based on one neighbours accusation with no evidence

Sure

Another one that can't read.

Friends child is a head banger, bruises naturally occur when a child frequently bangs their head on walls etc.

Neighbour reported friend to social services because she was concerned about all of the banging and screaming coming from the house at all hours, she wasn't aware the boy was autistic.

Social services got involved and ended up accusing my friend of child abuse because her son had bruises on his head.

The case was closed eventually and my friend had her complaint upheld because of the wealth of supporting evidence she had from other professionals who were already aware of the head banging.

I really can't bare AIBU sometimes it's full of complete morons, rude people and those who want to have a pop at the OP for the sake of being contrary.

Thank you for the understanding comments I'm going to hide the thread now as I can't be bothered to read or reply to any more of this crap.

You sound really angry but honestly the bus driver thought he was doing the right thing

I hope DS and DH are okay now

@Pumpfive

OP. Serious question. Why have you posted on AIBU if you aren't willing to accept YABU?

I fancied an argument 🙄

Why

Why would this bus driver, experienced in seeing no doubt hundreds of young children and tantrumns, difficult behaviour, arguments etc etc say anything unless he was concerned

He had NOTHING to gain OP

And yet you seem to think… actually I don’t know what the heck you think other than you are definitely not being unreasonable!!