Bus driver accused DH of hitting our autistic son

[ASDfamily2]

I've just received a call from an upset DH who had taken our son (4 with autism) and daughter out with him.

He was sheltering in a bus stop as it started raining, DS was in his pram (he's not safe to walk) and was having an enormous meltdown because he didn't want the rain cover on.

The pram hood was pulled down and DS was pushing himself up inside the pram screaming like a banshee, so he was partially out of sight and his face couldn't be seen by this bus driver who had pulled up at the stop to collect waiting passengers.

He opened his cab door and asked DH, loudly, why he was hitting his son.

Fortunately for DH there was a lady sitting right next to him on the bench who could see everything that was going on up close, she immediately jumped to his defence and said he hasn't hit him at all. He didn't touch him. God knows why the driver jumped to that conclusion.

DH got understandably annoyed and said to the bus driver that DS is severely autistic and he's having a damn meltdown, not being hit, he has never hit him in his life.

DH chose to abort the trip and is now on his way home feeling hurt and angry.

I've never been accused of hitting DS in public but I have received many, many judgemental looks from people and shitty comments when DS had been throwing himself on the floor (hence the pram) or when I've had to hold him still to stop him throwing himself on the floor.

If it wasn't for that lady at the bus stop I dread to think what would have happened. What if the driver phoned the police? We could have lost our children.

I want to make a formal complaint but DH didn't note the reg.

If that's what a random bus driver thinks then god only knows what the neighbours think, with the amount of meltdowns DS has and how he sounds when he does.

I'm so sad and fed up that this is our life

@Ionlydomassiveones

Fair play to the bus driver for calling out what he thought was abuse. If you complain he might not bother in future. Just because he was wrong this time, and your DH is upset, is no need to make trouble for him. People complaining and kicking off at people intervening with good intentions is what drives people to turn a blind eye to potential abusive situations. YABU.

Yeah this. Sorry. I get it must be hard but nothing actually came of it. Someone thought he was hitting a child, someone else corrected them. Everyone went about their own lives.

People should always intervene when they witness a child being hit, what they shouldn't do is assume that was the case when there was absolutely no evidence to suggest it - other than there being an inconsolable child.

It's great when somebody gets it right, and bang out of line when they get it wrong. If it wasn't for the lady sitting next to OH at the bus stop we could have ended up with social services involvement at the very least. Involvement we don't need which would take resources away from children who are actually at risk.

Just because the driver had good intentions doesn't mean we're not allowed to feel hurt or upset, being upset about a false allegation of child abuse is perfectly rational.

I'm not making a complaint because DH made it clear he doesn't want to, because he feels the same as many of you and he doesn't want to stop the driver intervening in an actual case of child abuse in the future.

It's still shit though.

Not at all @iheartmybeachhut, your response actually says way about you🙄.

I'm speaking from personal experience. This shit happens to parents with SN DCs too often. You can't stop it, but you can choose how you react to it & how it makes you feel.

As upsetting and hurtful as this was for your DH I think you need to look at recent cases to show why it's really important that people speak up and challenge potential abuse if they see it. I know your DH wasn't hitting your DS but if he had have been then that bus driver is one of those people that we really need at the moment!

And FWIW I also have an autistic child and have had to deal with the meltdowns in public places and being accused of hurting him and gone home and cried.

@RockinHorseShit

Not at all *@iheartmybeachhut*, your response actually says way about you🙄.

I'm speaking from personal experience. This shit happens to parents with SN DCs too often. You can't stop it, but you can choose how you react to it & how it makes you feel.

I think that poster was talking about the fact that you decided the bus driver must have been abused himself.

Rather than, from the angle he was looking from, it looked like the dh had hit the child.

I doubt he was assuming and made it up. Or believed it due a trauma response from his own past. He likey believed that's what he saw.

You just made up a load of rubbish about the driver....based on nothing.

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

As upsetting and hurtful as this was for your DH I think you need to look at recent cases to show why it's really important that people speak up and challenge potential abuse if they see it. I know your DH wasn't hitting your DS but if he had have been then that bus driver is one of those people that we really need at the moment!

And FWIW I also have an autistic child and have had to deal with the meltdowns in public places and being accused of hurting him and gone home and cried.

I'm sorry you can relate on a personal level, it's absolutely heartbreaking isn't it.

I do see where you are all coming from, of course I do.

A child having an autistic meltdown could still be a child who is a victim of abuse, some children face abuse because their autism can make situations difficult for parents. It’s shocking to have to think about what the scene might have looked like to the bus driver and it must have been horrible for your DH. It’s such a shame that this will likely knock his confidence going out with your children. I’d be reluctant to report the bus driver as it’s hard to imagine that he would have said anything out of malice.

You’re fine to feel upset and hurt. But you should not make it worse for your husband by saying things about potential social services involvement and the police etc. Focus instead on the fact he wasn’t in the wrong, no harm done and try to move on, bolstering his confidence taking the DC out.

we could have ended up with social services involvement at the very least.

Seriously where are you getting this information from??? Let's say the police were called, all your DH would have had to do is have a chat with the police, explain the situation and that's it. Do you think the police will just turn up, ask for your details and say they're referring you to social services without any actual talking?

I understand that you'd be annoyed at the false accusation but I really do think you're being melodramatic here

The driver's approach isn't likely to be very successful at intervening in a real case either. Yelling out the door and making an accusation of what you think you are seeing and then driving away isn't going to be effective in changing anything.

And even people who are abusing their kid are going to deny if it a driver yells at them about abusing their kid.

If OPs DH had been hitting the child, there would be no change in the current situation. Driver yells at him and then DH denies and driver drives away.

Driver's should be given training on how to intervene and report if they see something concerning.

Its hoid the driver was alert to possibly a use but I also understand and how your DH feels.

There is no way you would have lost your child though if he had reported it and there were no other witnesses. I deal with safeguarding through work and even with evidence of a slap (which there can't have been as he wasn't slapped), the most you would have received would have been an offer of Early Help which is just support, and which you don't have to accept.

Terrible things go on in families and if parents deny them and there is no evidence, there is very little social services can do often.

@ASDfamily2

If you thought a kid was being hit by a grown adult would you just sit there and watch it then?

Obviously not, nor would I jump to the conclusion that a child was being hit just because they were screaming.

Anybody who misinterprets an autistic meltdown for a child being abused needs to educate themselves on neurodiversity frankly.

I'm sorry but that's nonsense the average person doesn't have the knowledge or experience to know what an autistic meltdown ,is the driver saw what he thought was a grown man hitting a small child,in a split second he doesn't have the time to think could this be an autistic meltdown ,lots of people only have a very limited knowledge of autism never mind all the different presentation,s I say this as the parent of a severely autistic non verbal 12 year old .

Its hoid the driver was alert to possibly a use but I also understand and how your DH feels.

= it's good the driver was alert to possible abuse.

@ASDfamily2

If you thought a kid was being hit by a grown adult would you just sit there and watch it then?

Obviously not, nor would I jump to the conclusion that a child was being hit just because they were screaming.

Anybody who misinterprets an autistic meltdown for a child being abused needs to educate themselves on neurodiversity frankly.

I disagree about literally every single person having to educate themselves about meltdowns, I mean where does it end? What are they expected to learn about next.

In the end in this case hes a bus driver, and I expect most of us are happy he drives our bus with no incidents.

If this was a teacher or something relevant then yes by all means let them learn about neuro diverse people, but not necessarily the bus driver, and I say this as the parent of an epic meltdowner child.

People should absolutely intervene but must take due diligence when accusing someone of something so severe. Extreme emotive response could easily lead to a new set of problems.

Similar and more traumatising event happened to a dear friend. Unfortunately for him no one was nearby to testify his innocence. The police even interviewed his child (7) alone without parents knowledge or consent, trying to obtain evidence of child suffering from Significant Harm. Interview was traumatising for the child and he suffered from stress induced nightmares as a result.

All storm in a teacup of course. But the member of public who rang the police even claimed she was assaulted too, made it extra juicy so the police would be involved. Police went in “all guns blazing” looking for child murdering parents.
Both children and parents were hurt by the process of having to be probed by social services and the police. They were deemed guilty murderous parents before a shred of evidence was obtained.

If I witnessed child abuse I will most definitely report it. But I would try to be objective and draw conclusion from facts rather than what i want to happen or what i think is “right” for the society.

@Midlifemusings

The driver's approach isn't likely to be very successful at intervening in a real case either. Yelling out the door and making an accusation of what you think you are seeing and then driving away isn't going to be effective in changing anything.

And even people who are abusing their kid are going to deny if it a driver yells at them about abusing their kid.

If OPs DH had been hitting the child, there would be no change in the current situation. Driver yells at him and then DH denies and driver drives away.

Driver's should be given training on how to intervene and report if they see something concerning.

I agree

If it was a case of child abuse then the parent may well take their embarrassment out on the child when they get home. It's not the way to handle it.

Those asking where I'm getting my assumptions about the police and social services from.. my good friend of 15 years was dragged through hell when her neighbour reported her (also autistic) child's screams and banging. Neighbour didn't know the child had autism as they never bothered to speak to my friend before reporting it. They just heard an incredibly distressed child and lots of banging.

That child was, like my son, a head banger. She didn't have a foam helmet for him then like she does now.

Her son had some bruising on his forehead from the head banging and it was explained to social services what it was from and why he does it. The nursery and HV backed up mum. It was all known to them.

SS didn't just go away. She went through hell and lives in fear of somebody doing the same again in the future.

People who want to patronize me by saying I'm being ridiculous for worrying about the authorities getting reports like that are incredibly naive at best.

I have seen the damage false / misunderstood accusations can cause.

Why would you think someone was hitting a child though if you didn't see them hitting a child? Odd to come to the conclusion. Fair enough to say something if you actually see it happening.

There is enough of it happening without nosey bastards making shit up and accusing parents when they haven't seen anything actually happen.

I’m sorry this happened.

I know from experience how hard it is dealing with a meltdown in a public place and how very easy it is to become isolated and nervous about going out.

I’ve had a whole range of responses, from an elderly lady elbowing my aside to comfort ds, a male shop assistant assaulting him and all the busybody stares, comments and dramatic tut-tuts.

But I’ve also, to my shame, been in a situation where a child was being abused, and froze like everyone else who was there.

We talk about men being men’s problem to solve and the importance of men calling out bad behaviour. I don’t think the bus driver was in the wrong. He was a stranger, stepping forward to protect your ds.

Why would you think someone was hitting a child though if you didn't see them hitting a child? Odd to come to the conclusion.

Quite...

Thank you for posting this, it's good that I'm not the only one on the thread highlighting just how damaging these false allegations can be.

@DiscoBadgers

I have a profoundly autistic 5 year old DS who we used a special needs buggy for too, and I 100% get everything you are saying, however I would rather be stopped wrongly any time than for someone to stand by and do nothing when they thought a child was being mistreated.

I also have a severely autistic child who used to use a buggy at 4. I agree with the DiscoBadgers, I think your DH has overreacted.

@Citabell

Why would you think someone was hitting a child though if you didn't see them hitting a child? Odd to come to the conclusion.

Quite...

Well the only indication was that DS was screaming and thrashing around in his pram, a very large special needs pram at that, and you don't need to have a degree in understanding autism to know that a pram like ours is generally used by special needs children.

He also wears a sunflower lanyard (which the driver on this occasion wouldn't have seen granted)

Maybe if your friend had explained to the neighbour ,the neighbour might not be concerned the child was being abused?
I get how distressing it is for the parent if an autistic, child is screaming and self harming ,and often harming the parent ,been there bought the t shirt etc
But often it's easier particularly if it's a neighbour just to breifly explain the situation ,then for neighbors to think you are being abusive .

I think your DH has overreacted.

Sorry, overreacted how?

He told the driver DS has autism and is having a meltdown, not being hit, and he doesn't hit his son.

He then rang me, understandably upset, and told me what had happened.

It's me who posted, not him.

What part of his behaviour was an overreaction please?