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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel ‘put upon’ by elderly neighbour

222 replies

Troyes76 · 26/02/2022 15:14

Before lockdown I began to help out an elderly neighbour (late 70s) with grocery shopping and of course this carried on during lockdown.
However, this is still continuing and I feel like it’s moved from me helping her to her expecting me to do so many things.
I now work in a city an hour’s commute away, so I leave at 7am and get back at 6. She asked me to get her some perfume from a specialist shop the other side of the city, which would have added another hour onto my journey, I said I couldn’t but she keeps mentioning it. She doesn’t like the supermarket I use, so whenever she phones me with a list, she spends ages going through each item of last week’s shopping and how disappointing/wrong it was. She has asked me not to do click and collect as she prefers me to choose each item, I’ve said no as I don’t have time, then I get an ever longer phone call about disappointing shopping!
She won’t pay bills over the phone, so asks me to go to the post office, fine but the only time I get is Saturday, she has just asked that I pay bills the same day she gives them to me as they need to be paid.
She asks me to get all kinds of hobby things from many different shops, and won’t have things ordered online and delivered to her.
At the end of the day, she’s elderly and has no family locally, but her demands are increasing. AIBU?

OP posts:
Dailywalk · 26/02/2022 15:17

You’re going above and beyond. I think you need to lay down some new ground rules.

foreverandalways · 26/02/2022 15:18

Contact social services and volunteer organisations for her

GreenClock · 26/02/2022 15:21

You sound great, but you need to enforce boundaries.

Don’t answer he phone to her.

She should be doing her own shopping now surely, whether online or in person if she’s not housebound?

Steelesauce · 26/02/2022 15:21

I've seen this many times. Can you get a phone number for a family member and tell them how you feel? You need to stop doing as much, there are agencies that can help with all these things but the family will need to organise and pay for those services.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/02/2022 15:22

Introduce her to the wonders of the Internet. You should also talk to social services as it doesn't sound as though she can look after herself. Does she have any family?

Original poster
Troyes76 · 26/02/2022 15:22

Thanks, good to know I’m not just being mean! I’ve tried to contact different services, but they need a referral or request from her, and she tells them she’s fine and doesn’t need any additional help (as I’m helping her!)

OP posts:
Twinkletowedelephant · 26/02/2022 15:22

You gave an inch she took a mile.. have past experience me and Dh use to bloody tip toe into our flat it got ridiculous...

I would just let her know that you are going to be incredibly busy for the forseable future with new projects be gauge wave hands :) and that's it amazing everything has opened up again and getting back to normal...then answer phone quickly wave goodbye and slip into your house.

Then divert her number to voicemail , and wear headphones going into the house .. it won't take long for her to move on to her next target.

Gazelda · 26/02/2022 15:22

You've been a good neighbour, but it's time her (non-local) family became more involved to remove the burden from you. Or at the very least point out to her how much you're putting yourself out for her. They might get her to see that her expectations are unreasonable.
I'm sure you don't want grovelling thanks or payment. But appreciation and flexibility are the very least you should be receiving.

ivykaty44 · 26/02/2022 15:23

I’d say

I can set you up with a supermarket shop to be delivered using online & order something online, show you how to set up direct debits for bills

This is how I operate my personal admin as I’m out the house 11 hours a day & I find it helps

If you’re not happy with that then I can look for recommendations of home helps as your errands are overwhelming me presently

MrsTimRiggins · 26/02/2022 15:23

She’s taking the piss and you need to draw some boundaries up here. It was absolutely lovely of you to help so much but she’s taking advantage now and not even showing gratitude for all you do.

FixItUpChappie · 26/02/2022 15:23

She not going to bother doing things for herself when she has you to do them for her. Offer to show her how to order things and pay her bills online, remind her she can call shops on the telephone and arrange things to be posted to her. I would gently say your pulling back a bit as you've a lot on your plate personally and encourage her to get out and about. Seems like a resetting of expectations is in order.

Original poster
Troyes76 · 26/02/2022 15:25

She has cousins who live in Canada, I’ve no idea where or how to contact them though. She is very resistant to ‘new’ things and spending money(even though money isn’t an issue) , I’ve suggested the Internet before but again she ‘doesn’t need it’ !

OP posts:
ultraviolet4753 · 26/02/2022 15:26

I'd do a referral to social services. They can set up a carer or volunteers to do this for her.

If she wants help, she gets what she gets and should be grateful, and can't be dictating all these conditions to the help you generously have given her thus far. Click and collect is fine. If she wants the stuff, it has to be ordered online for delivery or not at all.

I'd pick up the phone less and less. You can say no. You must be knackered by now and have no free time. She's taking advantage.

CheeseTown · 26/02/2022 15:27

You are very kind and she probably doesn't understand how much she's actually asking from you. Explaining it to her might not work either.

Tell her you can't do it anymore because of commute, etx. Offer her once to show her how to order online and then just keep saying that you just don't have time. Or outline exactly what you can or can't do.

(Eg you've only got time to go to one shop with click n collect).

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/02/2022 15:27

Jesus stop this now. Its nuts and she is very entitled.

None of it is okay and half of it is a random 'preference' Confused just no... leave her to her own devices and I am sure you will find that phoning to pay bills or setting up a DD like a normal person if perfectly cool for her.

Stop being available

for the food shopping just say you literally have an hour this week and don't have time, she needs to make other arrangements. Bye.

I wouldn't care if she thought I was heartless and never spoke to me again.

bigbeatmanifesto · 26/02/2022 15:27

I'd tell her your life has now become busier since restrictions have now ended you simply do not have the time to look after her in those ways anymore and she start thinking about using the community care services.

Salome61 · 26/02/2022 15:28

My friend used to help our elderly neighbour and he led her a merry dance too - she spent some of her lunch hours chasing around for his particular brand of ginger nut biscuits. I'm 65 now and avoid my older neighbours, I never want to be in her situation. When 'Percy' died the family accused her of stealing money from his underwear drawer - she'd never been upstairs in his house, let alone in his underwear drawer. Dreadful treatment in return for years of kindness.

FixItUpChappie · 26/02/2022 15:28

She doesn't want do use the internet/bus/phone....however that doesn't mean she can't use those things

Grapewrath · 26/02/2022 15:28

Tell her now the world is back to normal you will struggle to help her ask much due to your working hours and long commute.
Offer to set up online shopping for her or refer to appropriate services. Be firm. If she doesn’t accept this then stop taking her calls

mumonthehill · 26/02/2022 15:28

Right you need to put in boundaries! We have had this with a neighbour, the tipping point was when I found myself wandering the supermarket looking for a square cabbage as that was on her list and I knew she would complain if I got in wrong! I then said to her that I no longer felt comfortable dealing with anything financial, so no bill paying , no going to the bank. I also stated that I was not available during the week due to work and children and if she was desperate to call me on a Saturday. This has reduced it hugely, I still get bits of shopping for her, kids mow her lawn, DH deals with bits but it is on our terms and she now asks when she really needs stuff.

Georgeskitchen · 26/02/2022 15:29

YANBU I've been there too, in the past, where an act of kindness turns into utter pisstaking. If you can't face her, write a letter and tell her you will be contacting social services and asking them to arrange some help with shopping, bill paying etc. That's if she is actually too infirm to do it herself!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2022 15:29

Late 70s is not elderly. She is capable unless immobile or unwell. A lot of late 70s people and beyond are socialising, taking holidays, shopping, exercising regularly and so forth.

Time to take a step back. We have to live with covid. If you ensure she has masks, can she get her own stuff?

Original poster
Troyes76 · 26/02/2022 15:31

God it’s such a relief to hear this advice from you all, thank you. I thought I was just being heartless, but yes, I am knackered!

OP posts:
quirkychick · 26/02/2022 15:32

I think you need to start saying no. If you say no, she will have to find help elsewhere. This is from experience with an elderly family member who we used to get shopping with our family shop. She wanted a separate receipt, what we bought was wrong, she would phone up later asking us to take stuff back etc. In the end we started saying no and she had to ask someone else. She had carers and could use the Internet, but didn't want to pay for the carers to shop or spend enough for free delivery.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 26/02/2022 15:33

Start with stopping paying the bills. Tell her you can show her how to pay the bill by DD and help her set it up. How did she manage before you did it?

No to perfume and anything else out of your way.

Only pick up what she wants when you are doing a shop by whichever method you use.

Ignore any moaning or unreasonable requests.