To feel ‘put upon’ by elderly neighbour

[Troyes76]

Before lockdown I began to help out an elderly neighbour (late 70s) with grocery shopping and of course this carried on during lockdown.
However, this is still continuing and I feel like it’s moved from me helping her to her expecting me to do so many things.
I now work in a city an hour’s commute away, so I leave at 7am and get back at 6. She asked me to get her some perfume from a specialist shop the other side of the city, which would have added another hour onto my journey, I said I couldn’t but she keeps mentioning it. She doesn’t like the supermarket I use, so whenever she phones me with a list, she spends ages going through each item of last week’s shopping and how disappointing/wrong it was. She has asked me not to do click and collect as she prefers me to choose each item, I’ve said no as I don’t have time, then I get an ever longer phone call about disappointing shopping!
She won’t pay bills over the phone, so asks me to go to the post office, fine but the only time I get is Saturday, she has just asked that I pay bills the same day she gives them to me as they need to be paid.
She asks me to get all kinds of hobby things from many different shops, and won’t have things ordered online and delivered to her.
At the end of the day, she’s elderly and has no family locally, but her demands are increasing. AIBU?

Oh my goodness no. I can't believe how entitled and ungrateful this person has been. Boundaries now I'd say.

YABU because you've brought this on yourself.
Stop being such a pushover OP, just tell her what you're prepared to do, if anything.
No need to make up excuses.

I'm assuming, if she's on her own her shop isn't huge ? You can order a delivery for her and because she's elderly they can bring it in the house for her. She can also ask them to wait while she checks the order is correct and that fresh produce is in acceptable condition. Hopefully this means she would be able to use her preferred shop. I'm also fairly sure her perfume could be purchased online. About the bills , if you can't pay them exactly when she wishes either tell her this or do it in your own time, just keep the receipts in case a payment gets made just as the payment reminder gets there. Also, don't be afraid to say no now and then if its getting too much. Life can be hard enough sometimes without doing twice the amount of adult ingredients.Youre a great neighbour but you don't have to be a martyr .

twice the amount of adulting

Yes YABU by not putting your foot down. Anyone can ask, or expect, you to do anything but that doesn't mean you have to say yes.

If you don't want to do it anymore then tell her. If you are willing to do it on your terms then tell her what those terms are. You have allowed this to reach this point and, as far as she knows, you are willing to do it because you do.

You don't have to be confrontational, or gentle, just assertive and clear.

I think doing it off the back of one of the "disappointing" conversations is a good approach.

This far too much too much, you do need to start saying "no", perhaps with a renewed offer to help her do it online. The more you do for her, th less she will appreciate it and the demands just keep growing.

You're going to have to start saying no. Not, "No, I cant do it today/cant go to that shop but will get it from this shop."
Just, "No, I cant help with that."

She is being way too demanded and clearly just expects you to run yourself ragged doing what she wants. She doesnt care how it is making you feel so stop caring about upsetting her.

"No, I cant do that" and close the door.

She has other options. The internet is available and has been for many many years. She wasnt elderly when it came out. She can use it. If she chooses not to then she will need to find another solution. Not you. Say no.

@Playplayaway

We are often called on to hel our elderly neighbours. They have a big family of 6 children and loads of adult grandchildren. The nearest is 10 minutes drive and they don't like to 'trouble' them so we get called on to help with a lot of little but quite tiresome jobs. The lady can be quite snappy and rude as well. She injured her arm and called dh yesterday to lift her bag out of her car. It was while the football was on so he wanted to be quick. As he was hotfooting it back to the footy she shouted 'BOB! You forgot to ask about my arm?'

She told me off once because she called me for help with something but I answered and told her I wasn't at home. 'But you are at home as your car is there!'. Yes my car is there but I'm out with a friend who picked me up

We really don't mind helping but it's always something that needs doing RIGHT NOW and the rudeness is a bit much. It's difficult to say no as the jobs are always very small like get something from the loft or move something heavy. Thank goodness they do shopping online!

I hope you manage to start saying no, op.

why on earth are you letting yourself and your husband be subjected to this? ..its ridiculous. Its no way to live being held to randsome like this,.

Just say no. She is using you, but maybe doesn't realise how much. I have had this from my own family, it gradually gets worse.In the end I snapped and got nasty, but it was such a relief not to be an endless skivvy!

It's fine to tell her she's asking more of you than you are able to give. You're kind to have helped and kind to be worried about hurting her feelings.

As PPs have said Age UK (and similar organisations) can offer low level shopping etc support. If you wanted to, to could encourage her to link up with them.

We're entitled to have preferences but the sad truth is that when we become, or choose to be (through not using feasible options like online shopping), dependent on others our preferences cannot always be met.

Sadly, although this makes me sound like a miserable twunt, I would NEVER volunteer to help people/do things for people on a regular basis. Help in an emergency yes, now and again yes, but offering regular help? No. Never.

Too many people have taken advantage too many times in the past. From expecting me to take parcel deliveries in regularly, to expecting me to look after their children/keep them at mine until they can be bothered to come for them (and not coming for HOURS after they promised,) to people cadging money and items of mine.

I have also had neighbours in the past using me as their personal gofer... Giving me shopping lists, with 15 different things they want (from 5 different shops,) and moaning when something wasn't right.

Rightly or wrongly, when I came to where I live now - almost a decade ago - I made a resolution to never offer help to anyone, and say 'no can do' whenever anyone asked me to do something for them.

One woman who moved in opposite me a year ago, started asking me to take in parcels for her (as I work from home.) She doesn't even work, she just goes out with her mates for lunch/coffee/to the gym, and expects other people to take her stuff in. I said no every time she asked, and said 'I have zoom calls with work quite often and will very likely not hear the knock.'

After 3 or 4 attempts she stopped asking. I now see the woman next to her going round to drop packages off to her maybe 3-4 times a week! (The neighbour is a SAHM with 2 kids.) So the woman who asked me, clearly CBA to go get them. So she has found her patsy. It was NOT going to be me. Been there done that. Never again.

Not very helpful sorry @Troyes76 All you can is start saying NO every time. She may fall out with you, but would that be a bad thing?

@User112

Don’t you have that high priority project at work for the next few months and you are also studying for a professional exam that’s mandatory for your job? I’ll stop all the “help” straightaway. Wtf !!

Or just say "no".

Not sure if it's still running but if you Google 'Morrisons Doorstep Deliveries' they set up a telephone service during lockdown allowing elderly/ vulnerable to order their groceries by phone for next day delivery. It was quite a popular option with our elderly neighbours.

No.
I'm sorry you will have to go back to pre Covid like everyone else Ms A.

but I just need.............

I work full time and have a long commute to the office. Waitrose is a 5-10 minute walk so you can just pop along yourself -it will do YOU good to be out of the house.

But................

No. X church or Covid help locally can help you if needed -here is their numbers.

Got to dash.

God it always shocks me how much people are willing to give away of their time/effort and then wonder if they are being unreasonable

Well, there's nothing wrong with volunteering/helping out - I do it myself - but it's the boundaries which matter, and learning to say no if things become too much

I've moved on to other roles now, but used to visit a lovely sight impaired lady, and very nice it was too until she had a ball fall in the house. What was going on there wasn't my business, but when I suggested contacting her local son she went berserk - shrieking, wailing that he mustn't be bothered, etc - and that's when I had to stop going
Because guess who he may have reported if the worst had happened and he didn't know?

Contact social services and log a concern.
Tell her you can no longer due her shopping, run errands, or any other 'jobs' she has for you. Offer to sit down with once to set up online grocery shopping and show her amazon, hobby sites online, etc.

It will only be a matter of time before she is signed out of hospital as it's understood that YOU will be providing care for her, and various agencies will be only delighted to pass her care onto you - poster from upthread - you know I am sure there have been threads saying exactly this has happened, and I've heard of it too.

Your boundaries are pretty wide OP, I think you were kind originally but its just getting silly now.

@gingerhills

Tell her the truth. Tell her now you are back to commuting and lockdown is over, you have longer hours and more commitments and you can't do this any more. Say you will help out in an emergency but day-to-day she needs someone who can properly attend to her needs.

Treat her a bit as you would a child and explain very clearly without ambiguity: I can't get your perfume. The shop is too far from where I work. I don't have time to go out of the way like that. You need to find someone else to get your perfume.

That sounds perfect. Your job and commute have changed. It's the perfect and true explanation for why you can no longer carry on.

To be honest, if she phoned me with long conversations about how my shopping disappointed her, I'd have said "I'm so sorry that my shopping isn't good enough for you. Maybe you can find someone else to do it for you at your favoured store"

Contact social services and log a concern

Currently there is no concern because the OP is doing everything. So the first step is for her to stop. If things fall apart, then log a concern but there is no evidence they will at this point - she may pick up the slack, start paying for help or find someone else to do her bidding.

OP just because someone phones you doesn't mean you have to answer it.

You know all those CFs who we moan about on here? The ones in their twenties and thirties and forties and fifties? The ones who moan about the food when they stay as guests, or expect daily lifts to work after you offer once, or who have wedding tantrums? Well, being in your seventies doesn’t mean that similar sorts of rudely ungracious, entitled behaviour are any more acceptable. Offer to do what suits you to do and no more. Anything at all that you choose to do is an act of kindness.

Have you got a local FB page? May be worth asking if anyone knows of any voluntary groups in the area that are still helping vulnerable people with shopping etc?

@SpiderVersed Sat 26-Feb-22 16:14:50
Agree with everyone that you need to put boundaries in place now.

"Jean, you know I've helped you out a lot over the past couple of years. Now I have a long commute and longer working hours I'm not going to be able to pay your bills or do your shopping. I picked up this form for AGE UK in case you wanted to see if they can help you with your errands in future."

Definitely this. During lockdown I visited my elderly neighbour once a week as my 'bubble', my DH has a life-limiting condition but as my neighbour is in her 80s on her own, it was ok. Anyway, her son arranged online shopping and I'd help her put it away. Every few weeks she'd put a bottle of gin on her order and insist on giving it to me (of course, I'd always open it and have a drink with her then take the rest home at her urging). Then she had a fall and was in hospital then rehab unit for three months. The son lives 15 minutes drive away and looking after things for her would have been essential activity, I know because I checked. But - he wanted me to go to her house every day twice a day to open and close her curtains and switch lights on and off!

I told him to set up a timer for lights and radio and forget the curtains, he could do it on his weekly essential maintenance visit. He was most put out. She's lovely - he's a user. He started phoning and talking about what I could do to prepare for and help out for after her return home. Told the cf to spend his inheritance on carers. After she got home I resumed visitng once a week to share a gin & tonic and a chat, stayed an hour and let the carers put the groceries away.

People become ridiculously demanding if you let them!

Sorry I clicked on YABU. I didn’t have the right glasses on, sorry!

Tell her your job and commute means your very busy so you won't be able to help the way you used to.

Say 'I'm going to tesco, can I get you anything while I'm there?' Or 'I'm doing an online shop, is there anything you need?'

Oh OP, just because she is elderly doesn't mean she is lovely. She is using you and taking the piss. She has no respect for your boundaries and probably feels disdain for you.

We had this in our little street. Our gorgeous single lady neighbour (I will call her Alison) was looking after another widowed older lady (I will call her Beryl).
Unbeknown to Alison, Beryl was always criticising Alison behind her back, for not being available when she "needed" her, or for being late with shopping, or not cooking a meal how she liked it.

Beryl wasn't poor either, when she died she left over a million to her American neice (who never visited). She could have easily afforded to pay for help. Instead she just bullied Alison for years.

Tell her that you are sorry but you won't be able to help anymore as the arrangement just doesn't work for you, then give her a list of useful social services/voluntary organisations and make your escape.