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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel ‘put upon’ by elderly neighbour

222 replies

Troyes76 · 26/02/2022 15:14

Before lockdown I began to help out an elderly neighbour (late 70s) with grocery shopping and of course this carried on during lockdown.
However, this is still continuing and I feel like it’s moved from me helping her to her expecting me to do so many things.
I now work in a city an hour’s commute away, so I leave at 7am and get back at 6. She asked me to get her some perfume from a specialist shop the other side of the city, which would have added another hour onto my journey, I said I couldn’t but she keeps mentioning it. She doesn’t like the supermarket I use, so whenever she phones me with a list, she spends ages going through each item of last week’s shopping and how disappointing/wrong it was. She has asked me not to do click and collect as she prefers me to choose each item, I’ve said no as I don’t have time, then I get an ever longer phone call about disappointing shopping!
She won’t pay bills over the phone, so asks me to go to the post office, fine but the only time I get is Saturday, she has just asked that I pay bills the same day she gives them to me as they need to be paid.
She asks me to get all kinds of hobby things from many different shops, and won’t have things ordered online and delivered to her.
At the end of the day, she’s elderly and has no family locally, but her demands are increasing. AIBU?

OP posts:
Queenkarm · 26/02/2022 17:08

No is what you say OP. I had an elderly neighbour like this he would bang the wall for me to go next then give me a list of things to get and tell me which shop for this and which shop for that. Nothing was good enough if I got a substitute item he wouldn't accept it if I didn't get an item he said I should have tried elsewhere. I told him the last time I went shopping it was the last time and left his key on the table and left.

user1471439310 · 26/02/2022 17:09

Heartless, pretty soon she'll want to move in.

BoredZelda · 26/02/2022 17:10

I think you should carry on. You offered to help, so regardless of how difficult it is for you and how ridiculous the demands, you just need to keep doing it.

Chocaholic9 · 26/02/2022 17:11

@BoredZelda

I think you should carry on. You offered to help, so regardless of how difficult it is for you and how ridiculous the demands, you just need to keep doing it.
Is that a joke?
drumandthebass · 26/02/2022 17:13

@BoredZelda

I think you should carry on. You offered to help, so regardless of how difficult it is for you and how ridiculous the demands, you just need to keep doing it.
You can't be serious??
JellyNo15 · 26/02/2022 17:17

It is lovely that you helped but it is effecting your life negatively so you have to stop. Write her a letter explaining you will have to stop and she needs to organise formal help. Send a copy to SS.

StScholastica · 26/02/2022 17:18

@LuckySantangelo35

For the people saying to make a referral social services…there is no risk/safeguarding issues so why would you do that? Op YANBU
Social services provide advice on all manner of issues, not just safeguarding. If the elderly lady was genuinely struggling they could arrange for a full assessment at home, she may need OT involvement or a package of care, or she may just need a list of organisations that can help with shopping, travelling (dial-a-ride) or accessing community facilities.
crispsarny · 26/02/2022 17:18

@BoredZelda

I think you should carry on. You offered to help, so regardless of how difficult it is for you and how ridiculous the demands, you just need to keep doing it.
Clues in the name @BoredZelda is bored so reckon they is trolling Wink
Winter2020 · 26/02/2022 17:20

You are definitely not wrong to draw your boundaries OP.

ON cheeky f.ers my husband ran an errand for someone asking on a Facebook support group during lockdown. They mentioned their daughter was visiting later and my husband must have looked surprised because they went on to tell him they don't like to bother her because she works/has children/is busy. My husband works/has children (one a toddler at the time/is busy!

When people get burned and go "zero favours" I think it is a shame though as we might all need a helping hand one day but that is little bits of help not a full time PA! In this case the best help might be getting recommendations for a home help type person and trying to get consent from the neighbour for them to visit to talk the neighbour through their services.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/02/2022 17:22

If you completely want to give it up, I won't fault you for that. And remember that it is not your responsibility to find her an 'acceptable' alternative. Give her a list of agencies to help and if she says she doesn't like any of them say "Well, then you'll have to figure out yourself what works for you, but I am no longer able to do your running around for you".

But if you just want to dial it back, you'll need to do what I did with my mum when my helping out got to be a bit much (multiple shops, particular 'ways' of doing housework). I just started telling her "No, I won't , but I will . If that doesn't work for you, you'll have to pay someone to do it your way". It took a bit of grumbling but she finally settled in to the 'new way'.

Yeahbutnotreally · 26/02/2022 17:23

@Shuffleuplove

Sorry I clicked on YABU. I didn’t have the right glasses on, sorry!
@Shuffleuplove you can change your vote by just clicking on the one you meant to click.
EthelTheAardvark · 26/02/2022 17:26

The first time she moaned about what I'd bought I'd have bowed out and and given her the number of Social Services.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/02/2022 17:27

@BoredZelda

I think you should carry on. You offered to help, so regardless of how difficult it is for you and how ridiculous the demands, you just need to keep doing it

You're either very bored or delusional. This lady has helped and helped and helped. It's not up to her to do any more. This person is taking advantage of her good nature.

Howshouldibehave · 26/02/2022 17:28

So, @Troyes76, when she complains about what you’ve got, or tells you to go an hour out of your way, or that you must go to the post office, what do you reply? Do you just do it?

Musmerian · 26/02/2022 17:29

@Troyes76

God it’s such a relief to hear this advice from you all, thank you. I thought I was just being heartless, but yes, I am knackered!
Bloody hell - you clearly have a heart of gold. I wouldn’t do this kind of stuff for my own relatives!
Crucible · 26/02/2022 17:30

I would say honestly that you will be helping her by pulling back and refusing. It will simply force her to accept help and move into the modern world a bit too. Of course she won't while you're doing it all. Therefore, stop doing it - then she will have to.
I had this with a neighbour. Sister in Scotland...me two doors down in the South. I could write a very very long post. At one point she discharged herself from A&E, telling staff I would look after her..

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/02/2022 17:30

You just need to say no. Put boundaries in place and stick with it.

I used to have a client who pushed with things like this. I had to be really firm and just say "No, I can't". Don't start giving reasons or excuses as they think they can push you further.

I know it's hard and you feel guilty but you honestly just need to stop. She won't stop taking the piss while you continue to facilitate her.

user1471538283 · 26/02/2022 17:34

I loved helping my elderly neighbor and we became friends. But that was because she didnt expect much and she would help me. I miss her.

I've always taken in parcels and tried to help but after my last house when not only did they never take in my parcels but left me no choice but to sell I am never doing it again. I really would prefer not to know my neighbors.

You need to stop this now because it will never end.

CambsAlways · 26/02/2022 17:34

She is taking the piss, you work long hours! You have been so kind to her, and she’s really taking advantage of you op! While I would help anyone if I possibly could but not to this extreme no way, you must be bloody shattered she’s not even grateful is she! I’d be passing this over to social services as there are volunteers who do this type of thing

worriedatthemoment · 26/02/2022 17:35

I would suggest speaking to her family to explain you can still help but only with certain things and on your terms

LouLou789 · 26/02/2022 17:35

If you find it really hard to say no, invent an elderly family member you now suddenly need to be a carer for. Present her with a list of numbers for local care organisations. And change your phone number if needs be. This situation is only going to escalate otherwise.

DamnUserName21 · 26/02/2022 17:37

She's taking advantage of you.

www.ageuk.org.uk/services/in-your-area/shopping/

Roseymee · 26/02/2022 17:39

Direct Debit for regular payments. Oak house meals and groceries ordered by phone and if she can manage the internet, Amazon for purchases. If not, hourly paid help such as Helping Hands might be useful to her.

whitedahlias · 26/02/2022 17:40

We found that big supermarket online shopping was way out of reach for our neighbour but the local fruit & veg shop would take a phone order once a week, as would the butcher. So elderly neighbour (who does actually wants to be independent) can do things by phone, talking to a local person, not online.
This is working well for him, and supports local business.

godmum56 · 26/02/2022 17:41

I don't usually advocate lying but I would say to her that you are very sorry but work is getting massively busy and you won't be available to do things for her for the forseeable future. Remind her that there are other services that can offer her assistance. Don't answer when she rings or block her number..

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