To feel ‘put upon’ by elderly neighbour

[Troyes76]

Before lockdown I began to help out an elderly neighbour (late 70s) with grocery shopping and of course this carried on during lockdown.
However, this is still continuing and I feel like it’s moved from me helping her to her expecting me to do so many things.
I now work in a city an hour’s commute away, so I leave at 7am and get back at 6. She asked me to get her some perfume from a specialist shop the other side of the city, which would have added another hour onto my journey, I said I couldn’t but she keeps mentioning it. She doesn’t like the supermarket I use, so whenever she phones me with a list, she spends ages going through each item of last week’s shopping and how disappointing/wrong it was. She has asked me not to do click and collect as she prefers me to choose each item, I’ve said no as I don’t have time, then I get an ever longer phone call about disappointing shopping!
She won’t pay bills over the phone, so asks me to go to the post office, fine but the only time I get is Saturday, she has just asked that I pay bills the same day she gives them to me as they need to be paid.
She asks me to get all kinds of hobby things from many different shops, and won’t have things ordered online and delivered to her.
At the end of the day, she’s elderly and has no family locally, but her demands are increasing. AIBU?

@StripeyDeckchair

Had a neighbour like this in a previous house when the children were a lot younger. Sold the house privately to a former colleague who'd always loved it (so no For Sale sign or listings) On moving day neighbour came over to find out what was happening & just berated me for leaving her alone, how would she cope, why hadn't I told her, ranting about her needs.

I realised she had no concern for us, our children or anything just how it would impact her.

3 days later she called all sweet as pie as if there'd been no rant and asked about me getting her some shopping. I told her we now lived over half an hour away & I wouldn't be doing anything for her again, that her rant had been rude & entitled & she should delete my number from her contacts.

@StripeyDeckchair

If you knew your neighbour replied on you, I'm surprised you didn't give her any advance notice that you were moving away

Please come and be my next door neighbour.
Seriously YNBU. I am around your neighbours age, am caring for 4, youngest 16 with complex needs. I am not old. Just a thought ask her to do some shopping for you.

@BoredZelda

BoredZelda has form for this sort of comment, GreenFingers, seems to enjoy a bit of stirring.

Aww, how lovely of you to follow me on the site. I have no recollection of any of your posts.

How strange you think I’m stirring. Perhaps comprehension isn’t your strong point.

I think you should carry on. You offered to help, so regardless of how difficult it is for you and how ridiculous the demands, you just need to keep doing it

Hardly a rational response to the OP's dilemma, is it? Saying no matter how difficult or ridiculous, you just need to keep doing it?!

If you want to keep helping her out but on your terms (which would be nice of you, but isn’t something you have to do), as well as refusing when she asks for something that’s a step too far for you you can also insist she treats you better.

Next time she moans say something like:
“Let me stop you right there. I’m a bit tired of this, X,. I’m doing you a favour. If you don’t like how I do it you are welcome to find a different solution but I don’t want to hear moaning or criticism. I don’t want this sort of negativity in my life.”

You can say it in a kind tone, but don’t apologise for saying it. And if she starts to get defensive or take umbrage tell her you’re letting her know so that the two of you can continue to be friends because you’ve begun to feel taken for granted and you don’t want to get to the point where you’re so resentful and spread thin you just stop having anything to do with her.

You don’t have to pussyfoot around and make up excuses and try and manipulate her into not treating you as badly. You can just be upfront with her about how this isn’t working for you and how her treatment of you is unreasonable. It’s okay to make it her responsibility to decide whether she’s prepared to see you as a person with a need for respect and consideration, not just someone to offload on to.

You cant do as much now op you back at the office. Some pharmacies will deliver the perfume same. My cousin had something similar. The fishcakes had be M and S nightdress wasnt her colour. God there was no end to it! Then stuff had to be returned. She sounds bit cheeky.

@Troyes76

Before lockdown I began to help out an elderly neighbour (late 70s) with grocery shopping and of course this carried on during lockdown. However, this is still continuing and I feel like it’s moved from me helping her to her expecting me to do so many things. I now work in a city an hour’s commute away, so I leave at 7am and get back at 6. She asked me to get her some perfume from a specialist shop the other side of the city, which would have added another hour onto my journey, I said I couldn’t but she keeps mentioning it. She doesn’t like the supermarket I use, so whenever she phones me with a list, she spends ages going through each item of last week’s shopping and how disappointing/wrong it was. She has asked me not to do click and collect as she prefers me to choose each item, I’ve said no as I don’t have time, then I get an ever longer phone call about disappointing shopping! She won’t pay bills over the phone, so asks me to go to the post office, fine but the only time I get is Saturday, she has just asked that I pay bills the same day she gives them to me as they need to be paid. She asks me to get all kinds of hobby things from many different shops, and won’t have things ordered online and delivered to her. At the end of the day, she’s elderly and has no family locally, but her demands are increasing. AIBU?

Who was doing all these jobs for her before the pandemic?

I would politely say, I'm so sorry but I have so much work to do, I don't have enough hours in the day.

If you keep giving in, she will keep taking advantage of you. There must be other neighbours that can help out.
Start by not being at her beck and call, because now she expects it. Sadly you have inadvertently conditioned her to rely on you but now she's just taking advantage.

Just because of her age, it does not mean she is or has ever been a nice person. However she may be and she may just be lonely. Still, she is taking up valuable free time of yours, which it seems you don't have much of. What if you were having to do all this for your own parents too, how would that work?

If you do have that responsibility and your now back in the office, I would just explain that. While you were working from home you had more time, enough time to help. Now you can no longer do it.

Please for gods sake say something. "I meant to help you but .... perfume,...,, suggesting I go to different supermarkets .... is just not ok. "

moved from me helping her to her expecting me to do so many things.

It is not easy, but it is very simple. You need to step back, leave some time before replying, etc. continue to do occasional requests but otherwise, say, sorry, that won't work for me.

Over time, the requests will die down again.

Good luck.

That was my initial response. Now I've read the rest, this stands out for me whenever she phones me with a list, she spends ages going through each item of last week’s shopping and how disappointing/wrong it was. She has asked me not to do click and collect as she prefers me to choose each item,

Next time you speak, say you are going to be busy at work so won't be able to help in the way to which she has become accustomed, then screen your calls.

Much easier than I thought, when I first imagined the brave, grateful old lady

This is now in the category 'no good deed going unpunished'.

Only good thing is, that she is giving you all the cues: when she asks you to pay them on the day, say sorry, that won't be possible, it's best you make other arrangements. Stick to your line that you clearly aren't helping the way she would like and sadly have no opportunities to do any differently. Stick to that line.

You have got this.

ps in future, before you do someone a favour, ask yourself, would you ask someone to do that. That will be a good guide for what you are prepared to do in future. Anything else, say no and know in yourself that this is the correct way forward.

My God, so many replies and such good advice! Thank you all so much, it’s so good to hear different viewpoints. So I have contacted our local social care office to ask how to make a referral. On Monday I’m going to drop her printed details of Age Concern and other groups in our area, there are quite a few, plus the Morrisons telephone order line.
I’ll explain that my new job means that I can’t do what I have been doing, that I can still pick up a few bits but not billpaying etc.
I really appreciate all your advice and suggestions.

@Troyes76

My God, so many replies and such good advice! Thank you all so much, it’s so good to hear different viewpoints. So I have contacted our local social care office to ask how to make a referral. On Monday I’m going to drop her printed details of Age Concern and other groups in our area, there are quite a few, plus the Morrisons telephone order line. I’ll explain that my new job means that I can’t do what I have been doing, that I can still pick up a few bits but not billpaying etc. I really appreciate all your advice and suggestions.

That's great news, OP. And when telling her you can still pick up a few bits, be sure to add on 'if they're at shops I'm going to myself or it will have to wait'.

I wonder if she wants you to stop but doesn’t know how to ask so is increasing her demands? Hoping you’ll be the bad guy and stop so she doesn’t have to deal with it?

@playmelikeasymphony

I wonder if she wants you to stop but doesn’t know how to ask so is increasing her demands? Hoping you’ll be the bad guy and stop so she doesn’t have to deal with it?

This is incredibly far fetched.

@Troyes76
My God, so many replies and such good advice! Thank you all so much, it’s so good to hear different viewpoints. So I have contacted our local social care office to ask how to make a referral. On Monday I’m going to drop her printed details of Age Concern and other groups in our area, there are quite a few, plus the Morrisons telephone order line.
I’ll explain that my new job means that I can’t do what I have been doing, that I can still pick up a few bits but not billpaying etc.
I really appreciate all your advice and suggestions.

@GloriaSicTransitMundi
That's great news, OP. And when telling her you can still pick up a few bits, be sure to add on 'if they're at shops I'm going to myself or it will have to wait'.

This ^

@billy1966

My pleasant neighbour lost her husband some years ago and when I asked her one day how she was she mentioned she was concerned about the maintenance of her lovely big garden now he was gone.

She mentioned my husband was such a keen gardener that he might pop over a give her a couple of hours a week.

She had a son in his 30's living with her.🙄

I said surely James will be helping you in the garden if you need it.

She told me he was very busy in his important job🤨.

Well I told her that my husband was equally busy and had very young children so James will have to find the time or pay a gardener.

It really irritated me and I gave her a wide berth from that day.

CF!

@billy1966

This puts me in mind of a woman who lives in my road. (Angie.) She moved next door to my friend and her husband (aged 62 and 63.) This woman is in her 30s and single ...She moved into her house in November 2020, (next to my friend's bungalow,) and her parents (late 50s,) live in Belgium.

The woman hates gardening, and particularly mowing the lawn... but she still bought a property with a 40 feet X 30 feet lawn. She never mowed it, and during June 2021, her mum and dad came over to stay for 2 weeks. Her dad did her garden, and pulled all the weeds out of the beds, planted some 40 or so plants, and de-weeded all the beds.

My friend was pulling some weeds out of her own garden, and Angie's dad came outside, and said 'Angie isn't much of a gardener. So you and your husband can feel free to come and mow her lawn, if you think it's getting a bit long' and he grinned. 'And don't be afraid to pull some weeds out now and again.'

Cheeky twat. 'Angie' has 2 adult brothers within 2-3 miles, and 2 sisters and 2 BILs within 10 miles. In addition, although she was single, she had 2 different men around 2 or 3 times a week - at different times, so I don't think they knew about each other. And she was/is an able-bodied, fit, and healthy young woman. So why her dad even THOUGHT about asking my friend (and her husband) to maintain her garden, with so many people in her life to help her, is baffling.

My friend and her DH are in their 60s, and in a bungalow, as they have mobility issues, and he has a bad back and had to reduce his hours from 40 to 24. Yet this 'Angie's' dad was assuming he and my friend would be her personal bloody gardener.

My friend handed him a card she had got that a local gardener had given her, and said 'WE are not able to help, but if Angie contacts this guy, I am sure he will help her.' He just said 'oh' and looked a bit crestfallen. WTF? Did he really think they would take charge of her gardening services?!

This happened to my dad years ago with an elderly friend of the family. She would ring up with her list of things that my dad got wrong. One day my mum had enough and a big falling out and she actually changed her will (she was always changing it) to write my dad out of £1000 she was leaving him. My brother got £500 for cutting her grass now and then!! He did so much for her too over the years. He would have kept doing it as he wasn’t offended easily but my mum isn’t like that!!

Hmm I'd be reluctant to offer 'a few bits' this is obviously someone who knows how to bend you to her will

Think I'd only offer to do her food shop alongside my own. I wouldn't be going out of my way to find certain things, or another shop. Forget the non essentials like perfume and hobby stuff! Is there a reason why she cannot leave the house? If it's because she's too frail, then she really needs support from social services. You're already working full.time hours, you'll make yourself ill.

You’d be doing her a gigantic favour by telling her the truth.
Tell her you didn’t mind shopping when you did your own shop, but that her complaining was hurtful, when you went out of your way.
Explain that you already work a full time job and your hours after work are limited - you’re okay with picking things up at the market when you’re there, but that’s the limit; your time with your family is precious, and is of the utmost importance and therefore comes before everything else.
Explain that going crosstown for one item on her list (perfume) on your limited lunch break or after work is impossible due to time constraints - and do not apologize.
Offer to assist her in setting up online shops/deliveries. Explain that she is free to accept or decline but that this has become too much of a burden to you. You need not give examples.
Above all, be firm, but be kind.
Elderly people who are isolated tend to forget how demanding and irritable they are. They need gentle reminders that their behaviour is unacceptable and are usually appreciative, but embarrassed. They get offended easily, but are usually accepting.
I went through this with my own mum.
Good luck.

Fuck no to you doing the shopping not click and collect and her complaining and not profusely thanking you!

The adage that givers need to set their boundaries as takers have none, is so true here. She has taken advantage of your kindness and is incredibly demanding. Don’t do a few bits.

The first boundary I would set in your situation is to make it clear that you can't do anything at all during the week. Your working hours/commute are too long. So nothing at all Mon-Fri... you just can't fit it in now you're back at the office!

Hope you are able to extricate yourself from this arrangement, OP.

She sounds less like someone desperately vulnerable and more like someone who wants things done a certain way and will complain if you dare to deviate.

I have various family members/neighbours/friends in their late 70s and early 80s, several of whom live on their own and are grateful for the occasional support of neighbours, but none of them are as entitled and ungrateful as your lady. Late 70s is really not old. Unless she has specific needs such as dementia, she should be perfectly capable of ordering stuff online, and if she really is not, then she should be grateful of any help you are willing to give.

Personally I'd put a stop to all of it. If you leave a little crack she'll have you back where you started! I'd give her all the stuff you printed out and then just say you are too busy with work and your own things to do this anymore - lockdown is over and you doing this was only intended as a temporary help.
The most I get involved in with elderly neighbours is taking their bins to the end of the drive because the bins are heavy and the neighbour can't really carry them.

I would do a food shop order online for her to be delivered to her door.
Social care is unlikely to do anything. If she can't get food for herself they will just give her the details of those firms you phone to order bulk delivery of frozen meals. Or give her details of carers agencies so she can employ someone.
There are not a team of volunteers out there working for charities helping elderly people out. If you are elderly you either have to get help from family, friends and neighbours, or you have to pay for it.

@HappyDays40

I don't think it is anybodies responsibility to do anything as such people make moral choices but nobody legally owes it to their elderly relatives to provide them with care. I don't think it's necessarily fair to force the families hand. Equally OP I don't think you should feel responsible either. If it was me just be very brutal about what you will and will not do but keep your boundaries firm. If you feel that you can't do this anymore just be honest, firm and polite with her and pass her the phone number for Adult Care. Either that or say you will do the shopping but it has to be from your supermarket and as a delivery etc. You could be kind and help her set-up direct debits for the bills. The act that she has chosen not to do so is not our problem she is making choices. People tar elderly people with this complete inability to make a phone call or deal with life. Even if she can't do the Internet as long as she has a finger (to dial) and a fully working ear she can do it over the phone.

@HappyDays40 you would really leave your elderly relatives to get on with it without any help whatsoever? Incredibly harsh.