To feel ‘put upon’ by elderly neighbour

[Troyes76]

Before lockdown I began to help out an elderly neighbour (late 70s) with grocery shopping and of course this carried on during lockdown.
However, this is still continuing and I feel like it’s moved from me helping her to her expecting me to do so many things.
I now work in a city an hour’s commute away, so I leave at 7am and get back at 6. She asked me to get her some perfume from a specialist shop the other side of the city, which would have added another hour onto my journey, I said I couldn’t but she keeps mentioning it. She doesn’t like the supermarket I use, so whenever she phones me with a list, she spends ages going through each item of last week’s shopping and how disappointing/wrong it was. She has asked me not to do click and collect as she prefers me to choose each item, I’ve said no as I don’t have time, then I get an ever longer phone call about disappointing shopping!
She won’t pay bills over the phone, so asks me to go to the post office, fine but the only time I get is Saturday, she has just asked that I pay bills the same day she gives them to me as they need to be paid.
She asks me to get all kinds of hobby things from many different shops, and won’t have things ordered online and delivered to her.
At the end of the day, she’s elderly and has no family locally, but her demands are increasing. AIBU?

Maybe she could hire someone to help her get set up on the internet. But so many people underestimate the difficulties of someone of this age who has not used the internet, learning how to.
It is much more realistic for her to phone and order frozen meals delivered. Most chemists have leaflets about these firms.

@StripeyDeckchair that anger was fear. If someone relies on you not to tell them you are moving is very cruel.

She's being a CF OP. Tell her you've been promoted at work and simply won't have time to do her shopping for her any more. Perhaps suggest she phones Age UK who would be happy to point her in the direction of getting the right help from approved/checked people [for which she will have to pay.]

Approved/checked people is simply an agency providing home carers. There is nothing else.

You have definitely done your bit. This neighbour is taking you for granted, maybe this is why they have noone else to get help from. You need to decide whether you want to continue helping and how much you can help. If you feel a Click & Collect is viable, tell them that's all you can do. They then have the choice of accepting that or doing their own. Schlepping about for perfume fgs, is totally out of the question. Offer to show them how to order online, if they choose not to fine. Don't feel guilty. They are not your responsibility, tell social services.

It's the old classic 'no good deed goes unpunished'. She's a CF, elderly or not, she needs to get online.

If she could get online she would have. Not being able to manage that does not make her a CF.
Op can also say no to any help or limit the help. Realistically lots of elderly people without family help simply can not buy the things they may want to, but simply those they need. The neighbour will have to go without her perfume.

Someone who's okay with criticising the help you give and expecting you to do everything to their timetable, is more than capable of organising paid help.

This happened to my parents. A middle aged man who has health issues was in a first floor flat. He couldn't get down the stairs so relied on help. My mum and dad started running a few errands for him, which the grew into regular , random phone calls asking my dad to get him cigarettes and drink (the reason he was in such a state in the first place ). His daughter had the audacity to call my parents one day to 'thank' them for being her dad's carers. My mum set her straight and they never did it again.

Is it worth being less available at the weekend? E.g going away, being ill, getting your food delivered so not popping out, working from home (overtime) etc. The less available you are the more she'll realise she needs someone reliable e.g. social services support.

@Beautiful3

Is it worth being less available at the weekend? E.g going away, being ill, getting your food delivered so not popping out, working from home (overtime) etc. The less available you are the more she'll realise she needs someone reliable e.g. social services support.

Exactly this just happened to me! With half term week I told her I'd be really busy and not have time to do what I usually do. She rang me last night to say she would be sorting something out for herself as she knows she can't keep asking me. I think having the break made her realise she was over relying on me. I'd definitely invent a reason to not be available for a week or so, hopefully it'll work as well as it has for me!

@alltheapples
That is clearly not what I said. I said that the issue is a moral obligation not a legal one. I'm sick of people spouting about what family should and shouldn't be doing. Supporting someone is a choice not because they feel harangued. I support my MIL but I also work full time, have a five year old and she lives 30 miles away. We get on great but I wish people wouldn't tell me I should be doing xyand z.
I have to condensers hours most weeks to take her to an appointment and we shop every week together but I will be damned if people who know nothing about the situation think I should offer more. There is no more. She is perfectly capable of making phone calls which she does, she sorts out care for herself when we qre away. I'm just saying that older people have choices but carers should give their time out of love not obligation and fee okay to pit up a limit to what they will and won't do without professionals and people who know nothing about the situation commenting. This lady may have family who are strung out with millions of commitments or caring for other relations but nope everyone assumes that they should take full care responsibility for yet another person when there is no time to James anything else in.

Sorry jam anything else in.

my mil was in a similar position with a neighbour.
she was happy to shop for her when she went to the shops anyway and to receive parcels (neighbour was too slow to get to the door for impatient delivery drivers) or order a taxi to get neighbour to medical appointment.

when the neighbour got too frail and social services got involved they (social service) wrote mil's help into their care plan without her consent. it took ages and a lot of stress for mil to get out of that.

@HappyDays40 I am not assuming anyone should do anything. But it is hard for elderly people without family. If I did not have any children I would have no family at all when elderly. Some families are very small.

I work in this area, you need to be really clear and let her know it's more than you can manage. Then when she inevitably asks again say I'm sorry I can't and repeat she will finally understand and seek alternative help. If you keep doing it she will continue to have these expectations. This done seem unkind in a way but she is not your responsibility

Hard if they not online/wifi. Agree great advice given. Be less available. In my cousin case the aunt had lists for awkward shops that were not nearby at all. Elderly can be quite selfish my mother is same

People who have not worked for a long time forget what the demands of working life are like. With increased isolation (living alone or isolating because of covid), minds turn inwards and focus on their own needs and problems, and people probably get more introverted which looks like selfishness to an outsider. It is a tricky one to navigate but I don't agree with some on here that no one should bother with a needy neighbour. More social contact with a wider range of people is what is needed, not less. And straight talking so that any help given/received is a partnership with appreciation on both sides.

Couldn't agree more @HyacynthBucket

My late neighbour (who I do not regret helping when all is said and done) had 160k in savings in the bank. I was running around as unpaid help. She was utterly impossible. I was the second neighbour she had imposed on after her immediate neighbour had absolutely enough of being at her beck and call, and well and truly pulled up the shutters and wouldn't even answer the phone to her in the end. It's a difficult situation. She felt she was just owed all sorts, with no basis really.
OP good luck.

They get very entitled.. I had to tell my mother we work too. Only so much you can do as regards errands.

@Troyes76 - do come back (if you can) and let us know how your neighbour took the news that you're not going to be their valet anymore.