To feel ‘put upon’ by elderly neighbour

[Troyes76]

Before lockdown I began to help out an elderly neighbour (late 70s) with grocery shopping and of course this carried on during lockdown.
However, this is still continuing and I feel like it’s moved from me helping her to her expecting me to do so many things.
I now work in a city an hour’s commute away, so I leave at 7am and get back at 6. She asked me to get her some perfume from a specialist shop the other side of the city, which would have added another hour onto my journey, I said I couldn’t but she keeps mentioning it. She doesn’t like the supermarket I use, so whenever she phones me with a list, she spends ages going through each item of last week’s shopping and how disappointing/wrong it was. She has asked me not to do click and collect as she prefers me to choose each item, I’ve said no as I don’t have time, then I get an ever longer phone call about disappointing shopping!
She won’t pay bills over the phone, so asks me to go to the post office, fine but the only time I get is Saturday, she has just asked that I pay bills the same day she gives them to me as they need to be paid.
She asks me to get all kinds of hobby things from many different shops, and won’t have things ordered online and delivered to her.
At the end of the day, she’s elderly and has no family locally, but her demands are increasing. AIBU?

You are aware that a piss taking young person will likely develop into a piss taking middle aged person and finally into a piss taking old person, aren’t you?

Your neighbour is a piss taker, age irrelevant. Put a stop to it. Jesus, this is a clear cut case of taking your kindness for weakness.

time to start saying no.
and be wary of social services/council as they might consider you a carer and not offer any help.

Start to decline what she asks of you. It sounds like she's never has anyone ever say no to her.

Hi, OP. You are doing a good thing. I would sit down with her andexplain that though you did shopping for her inthelockdown, you now work further away and have long hours, and do not have time to go from shop to shop, for example. If you can make a plan with her, she will not feel abandoned, and you will be less resentful of her needs. You are helping her, and she needs to help you by agreeing someting less time consuming for shopping and making payments. Its all about her at the moment, so express your own lack of time and energy as appropriate, and let the plan be a co-operative effort.

I’m amazed some folk, take advantage, convenient for them tho, never happened to me

I don't think it is anybodies responsibility to do anything as such people make moral choices but nobody legally owes it to their elderly relatives to provide them with care. I don't think it's necessarily fair to force the families hand. Equally OP I don't think you should feel responsible either. If it was me just be very brutal about what you will and will not do but keep your boundaries firm. If you feel that you can't do this anymore just be honest, firm and polite with her and pass her the phone number for Adult Care. Either that or say you will do the shopping but it has to be from your supermarket and as a delivery etc. You could be kind and help her set-up direct debits for the bills. The act that she has chosen not to do so is not our problem she is making choices.
People tar elderly people with this complete inability to make a phone call or deal with life. Even if she can't do the Internet as long as she has a finger (to dial) and a fully working ear she can do it over the phone.

You need to put a complete stop to this now.

Tell her that it is too much - lockdowns are over, you are back at work and commuting and you have your own home and family to look after. So you will no longer be doing shopping or other errands for anyone else.

I'd also tell her that you don't appreciate her telling adult social services that you are stepping up and helping with her care. Then I would call social services, tell them that you have become aware that she has claimed this about you, but that you wish to set the record straight - i e. you are NOT her carer, never have been and are absolutely NOT able to support her at all.

Tell your neighbour that you simply won't be carrying this on and suggest that she gets back in touch with adult social services and/or with Age Concern.

If she pesters you by phone or sends huffy and snarky messages then block her.

Really simple: either pluck up the moral courage to tell her to stop imposing, or invite one of her family members to do it on your behalf.

Or put up with it.

Neither of the first two are easy, but not is the status quo sustainable

Are you entirely sure that she has no family or friends? Absolutely none?

Talk to your neighbours again about who she has in her social circle, who can help her out, take her out etc.

You have a reasonable opening line about ‘Now that lockdown is over, we are all getting back to normal…’
Maybe ‘ Oh my, we’ve all become so used to being at home, it’s time for me to get out & about again. So what are you going to be doing…?’

Explain & insist that you cannot do as much & that it is OK to get in some home help, or get out more socially.

Although late 70s is not ancient or incapable, any existing social isolation has become more deeply entrenched for many. She may be naturally solitary, less firm & agile, or just lonely - this could any of us anytime soon.

You cannot be her carer, but you may help her get in contact with people who can help. AgeUK are a good place to ask about home support & befriending services, encourage her to make contact.

U3A is lively & offers interest based activities, run for people over x years by peers.

‘Hey, have you heard of this lot U3A, loads of interesting stuff going on, what interests you? ‘

University of the Third Age: www.u3a.org.uk/

You do need extricate yourself from this possibly dependent relationship with kindness.

If you cannot this through friendly discussion, then approach AgeUK for advice & possibly revisit that call to local Adult Social Services with an absolute insistence that you will not support her.

Ideally, she’d respond to your gentle direct approach.

I did shopping for an elderly neighbour. She was very rich, had relatives (not nearby). I was too young to realise she was using me as her unpaid helper.
When she shouted at me because the rice crisps I had bought for her wouldn't fit into her kitchen cupboard, then that was that.
After that I was too busy to help. I didn't answer the phone and if she caught me on my way into my flat, I'd keep walking and shout - sorry! very busy!
Amazingly she didn't starve, and her relatives had to do her shopping.
Good luck xx

I think you need to put a stop to it, you are going well above and beyond. Helping someone is fine but she is also dictating to you - it seems you are spending longer on her shopping than your own! Present it as a change in your working arrangements then she can't argue.

Can you say something like "I'm sorry but work have called us back into the office and with the commute now I won't be able to continue to help. I'll need to stop by March [date] and I can only do essential supermarket shopping on line between now and then. So please can you make other arrangements". I'd be fair and give a couple of weeks notice but make sure she doesn't give you the run around in the mean time. You'll have to be strict and repeat "Sorry I can't do that" until she gets the message. I had kind of the same problem - not only did the person want things done, but they wanted it done in their way exactly when they said so!

Just because she's old doesn't mean she's nice. There may be good reasons why she has no-one to help her, she sounds like a taker who is cynically exploiting you.

Say no to everything, feign an illness if you must.

You do realise you are probably the latest in a long line of people she has exploited.

My BIL mother does this to him, demanding awkward things as she is lonely and wants more contact.
I think you’ve got to be cruel to be kind, while she has your company she isn’t making any effort to meet other people.
Set her a deadline when you won’t be doing her chores any more and give her a list of other organisations that could do it ( probably at a price ) like a care agency.

My guess is that your help is the most important social interaction your neighbour has, so she extends her conversations with you, makes extra requests and so on. Understandable and probably unconscious. She needs to start doing her own shopping for the good of her health and extending these excursions to include other enjoyable activities. Coffee in a cafe, maybe an afternoon trip to the cinema? Inquire locally for any suitable groups. Third age activity is often interesting and not too demanding. If she isn't on line, she is handicapped in checking things out for herself. There may be a local training for older persons. Usually called Silver Surfers or similar. What about exercise? Aqua or gentle strolling are popular where I live. Finally there is bound to be a BEFriend service somewhere you can consult who could kindly wean your neighbour off her reliance on you. Best of luck.

Try ringing social services and say you are currently providing care but won’t be able to and she isn’t a relative so please could they do an assessment. Age concern might have a support worker or volunteer who will help too.

Is that a joke?

You can't be serious??

Clues in the name @BoredZelda is bored so reckon they is trolling

Absolutely the replies I expected. And yet, the OP nonetheless has posted asking whether she is being unreasonable to stop when anyone with any ounce of sense can see that she is not. Did she really expect replies saying she must carry on?

This is outrageous! You are just a personal servant. Getting hobby stuff and perfume is not the same as bread, milk and medication. She needs to start ordering online and she needs to understand the impact it has on you. I think you need to have a serious conversation with her. Every time you do something for her, it just perpetuates this situation so I would stop right away - not weaning her off, just stop. She's really taking advantage. There are so many ways to pay bills and she needs to use one that she can do from home. You should explain to her that you don't even go to the post office for your own bills!

@BoredZelda
I think you should carry on. You offered to help, so regardless of how difficult it is for you and how ridiculous the demands, you just need to keep doing it

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
You're either very bored or delusional. This lady has helped and helped and helped. It's not up to her to do any more. This person is taking advantage of her good nature.

BoredZelda has form for this sort of comment, GreenFingers, seems to enjoy a bit of stirring.

She sounds an absolute nightmare.

BoredZelda has form for this sort of comment, GreenFingers, seems to enjoy a bit of stirring.

Aww, how lovely of you to follow me on the site. I have no recollection of any of your posts.

How strange you think I’m stirring. Perhaps comprehension isn’t your strong point.

There are agencies that will happily provide these services and support. Some are free, some cost. I'd refer to age concern that she needs more support that you can provide.

I have a similar situation with a neighbour a few doors down... I'm really fond of him and don't mind but he will come to me instead of family as they aren't as patient I don't think. He's 94 and I am happy to help and have a cuppa with him, I like listening to his stories from years ago.

He mows my lawn and has done for ten years so it's mutually helpful. Though I've never ever asked him too and he just comes and does it. The last few years he's just mowed or strummed everything in sight... plants, solar lights all sorts 🙈😂

And furthermore when you talk to her, do not get guilted or sucked back in to doing all this.

A true cheeky fucker will throw a tantrum when called out. So watch out for that.

Op it's time for a chat with her.
Tell her politely but firmly you can't do what you was.
You can't go the post office anymore but you could set up a direct debit.
You can't go shopping anymore but you will set up online shopping for her.
Same for pharmacy or whatever.
It doesn't matter how much she asks it's a no. The world is back to normal and you can't

@forrestgreen

Put a note through her door

Dear neighbour
I hope you're well, I just need to let you know that work and personal time have changed for me massively (be vague) and I won't be able to help you anymore. I've been thinking of solutions for you:
Get a taxi into town
Or
Get a carer who can can shopping and pay bills.
Alternatively you could get in touch with social care who I'm sure can put you in touch with the right people.
Hope you get sorted soon

And be way too busy to answer the phone.

Do this.

At least if you do, your neighbour will get the message. If they phone you or pop around, just be busy. Be busy every single time they contact you. They'll be left with no option but to find some alternative solution to their issue.