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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel ‘put upon’ by elderly neighbour

222 replies

Troyes76 · 26/02/2022 15:14

Before lockdown I began to help out an elderly neighbour (late 70s) with grocery shopping and of course this carried on during lockdown.
However, this is still continuing and I feel like it’s moved from me helping her to her expecting me to do so many things.
I now work in a city an hour’s commute away, so I leave at 7am and get back at 6. She asked me to get her some perfume from a specialist shop the other side of the city, which would have added another hour onto my journey, I said I couldn’t but she keeps mentioning it. She doesn’t like the supermarket I use, so whenever she phones me with a list, she spends ages going through each item of last week’s shopping and how disappointing/wrong it was. She has asked me not to do click and collect as she prefers me to choose each item, I’ve said no as I don’t have time, then I get an ever longer phone call about disappointing shopping!
She won’t pay bills over the phone, so asks me to go to the post office, fine but the only time I get is Saturday, she has just asked that I pay bills the same day she gives them to me as they need to be paid.
She asks me to get all kinds of hobby things from many different shops, and won’t have things ordered online and delivered to her.
At the end of the day, she’s elderly and has no family locally, but her demands are increasing. AIBU?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2022 16:49

For the people saying to make a referral social services…there is no risk/safeguarding issues so why would you do that? Op YANBU

cherish123 · 26/02/2022 16:50

She's taking the mic. You need a work- life balance. You need to be firm and tell her - no. There's no reason why she can't get food herself. If she doesn't want to go into shops, she needs to order online. I know she likes to pick items but tough.

vdbfamily · 26/02/2022 16:51

70's is not elderly unless she had some medical conditions that are affecting her. I am afraid you need to be honest with her and say that you were happy to help during lockdown but not the restrictions have lifted you would prefer just to be contacted in an emergency. Give her contact for Age UK who have a lot they can offer.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 26/02/2022 16:51

Adult services are not just about risk and safeguarding. Part of what they are there to do is help people manage their day to day affairs.

HardbackWriter · 26/02/2022 16:52

This is unfortunately quite a common issue - she's refusing to accept how much she's asking of you, and therefore how unreasonable she is being, because then she'd have to admit to herself how much help she needs and how much independence you've lost. So in her head she feels that she only asks for the occasional inconsequential favour, and so she seems hugely ungrateful. There's probably some transferred resentment too - she's actually angry that she can't get her own shopping and so have everything exactly as she'd choose it any more but that comes out as her being resentful that you aren't doing it 'right'. You see it a lot within families, too. I agree with everyone else that you need to start saying no, but brace yourself for her being unpleasant about it (and don't let it sway you!) - it might make her face up to the reality that actually she isn't just fine all by herself which is better in the long-run but not nice for her in the short-term and she may well lash out.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 26/02/2022 16:52

Who struggle due to age or disability etc that should read.

cherish123 · 26/02/2022 16:53

@AnnaMagnani you make a fair point. Your mother doesn't complain about things people do to help her.

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/02/2022 16:53

It will only be a matter of time before she is signed out of hospital as it's understood that YOU will be providing care for her, and various agencies will be only delighted to pass her care onto you

Flagging this excellent point again

Also please ignore all posters saying "oh you need boundaries. Sit down and tell her you'll only do A and B but say not X and Y..."

There should be no A & B and no X and Y.
Stop ALL help. Now.
She is rude ungrateful and demanding.
Do nothing. Absolutely nothing for her.

forrestgreen · 26/02/2022 16:54

Put a note through her door

Dear neighbour
I hope you're well, I just need to let you know that work and personal time have changed for me massively (be vague) and I won't be able to help you anymore. I've been thinking of solutions for you:
Get a taxi into town
Or
Get a carer who can can shopping and pay bills.
Alternatively you could get in touch with social care who I'm sure can put you in touch with the right people.
Hope you get sorted soon

And be way too busy to answer the phone.

gunnersgold · 26/02/2022 16:54

Jeez ,this isn't fair on you . She isn't your responsibility. Call social services and explain the situation and you want to back down and then step up!

Heronwatcher · 26/02/2022 16:54

Boundaries now! Either a frank discussion is needed about how this arrangement is not working for you or simply keep saying no and not doing it. You could also get some leaflets for age concern/ Wiltshire farm foods etc. You actually owe it to her to have proper arrangements as what would happen if you move house etc?

Mummy1608 · 26/02/2022 16:55

She doesn’t like the supermarket I use, so whenever she phones me with a list, she spends ages going through each item of last week’s shopping and how disappointing/wrong it was.

Yabu to let her do this more than once. After the first time I would have said:
"Neighbour, you are being rude and ungrateful. I've done you a big favour and you are finding fault with it."

You've done your bit, I would now stop. Tell her you have stopped, keep it brief.

"Neighbour, I've given you a lot of help. Now I'm going to stop because you ask too much."

FizzyTango · 26/02/2022 16:55

She’s utterly taking the piss.
She’s given you an easy get out though…when she next moans that you haven’t bought the right thing or you can’t pay a bill quick enough just smile sweetly and say it’s a shame you tried your best but clearly she is better off doing XYZ. And then never talk to her again.

She’s a user, don’t feel bad.

Skinnymimi · 26/02/2022 16:55

Hi OP. Just tell her kindly that your situation has changed and now you can only do ONE of the things, and it has to be the one that suits you. You do not owe care to the world. You owe it to yourself and children. The others are lucky to have someone as helpful as you in their lives but they all have to pass after you and your dependents.

PinkSyCo · 26/02/2022 16:56

Oh no fuck that! You are far too nice OP and she is taking the utter piss out of you! It’s such a shame that she has taken your kindness for granted like this but that’s on her and you should tell her that she will need to go elsewhere for help as you are exhausted wit running around after her on top of long working hours.

Sallydimebar · 26/02/2022 16:56

I had this with elderly couple on street, started when they were shielding at beginning then one of them had a bad fall so other was on own for a long time . It was fine when life was snail trail but once back at work , school ect it became so hard .

I also can’t believe how people can be so picky with help …if it was me needing help I’d be grateful for any help given . Instead of letting me buy all the items needed for the week , they preferred to ring me each day and it wasn’t because they were short of money it was just how they had done it in past I think . So have 2 loafs put 1 in the freezer, get 4 pints of milk instead of 2 you use it , was my logic . I didn’t have time for the phone calls every day never mind going shop everyday.
It then moved on to needing help with dog walking , cutting the grass popping round when something wasn’t right, putting bins out , it was like taking care of another house and I just had to step back , they have no family so me and another neighbour got social services involved (not easy ) I also put them In touch with a gardener and carers sorted shopping but they cancelled shop call not long after prob because carer wouldn’t do daily shop!
There’s helping but also being taken advantage off , don’t let it take over your life .

violetbunny · 26/02/2022 16:57

The nest time she complains is the perfect time to say, "Well in that case it's best you find another solution so you can have it done to your liking."

violetbunny · 26/02/2022 16:58

*next not nest!

canary1 · 26/02/2022 16:58

This is crazy! Just stop doing these things. Money is not an issue so she can hire some help.
It’s not her far flung relatives’ responsibility either and it’s not yours. She should hire a PA or some help at home to do these things. I can’t believe you are doing all of this until now

Mummy1608 · 26/02/2022 16:59

There should be no A & B and no X and Y.
Stop ALL help. Now.
She is rude ungrateful and demanding.
Do nothing. Absolutely nothing for her.

I agree with this

Chickychickydodah · 26/02/2022 17:01

As a carer myself be brutally honest with her and tell her you can’t do it any more. Tell her that she needs to pay for someone to come and help her as you don’t have the time, she needs to understand that she has other options and she needs to use them.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Arrange a day/ time to go and have a coffee with her so she sees she’s not losing her friendship with you.

dreamingofsun · 26/02/2022 17:03

sounds like my IL's (we live 3 hours away so cant physically help). BIL moved away, guess his partner got sick of them taking ILs to visit several banks/Post Offices and queing to pay bills. Chap who visited 3 supermarkets to get their food during covid lock downs must have been slightly deranged i think. And ordinarily I'd say my IL's are normal people.

I agree with person who said this will only get worse. IL's are now iller and need a lot more help. This is spread between social services and amongst the neighbours and is now just essential stuff. But you could easy become engulfed.

oakleaffy · 26/02/2022 17:06

@foreverandalways

Contact social services and volunteer organisations for her
This!!!!

This isn’t an uncommon thing, where “Thin end of the wedgery “ happens.

It sounds alarmingly familiar.
Say no, OP, and put the woman on to a volunteer organisation- if there is one!

billy1966 · 26/02/2022 17:06

My pleasant neighbour lost her husband some years ago and when I asked her one day how she was she mentioned she was concerned about the maintenance of her lovely big garden now he was gone.

She mentioned my husband was such a keen gardener that he might pop over a give her a couple of hours a week.

She had a son in his 30's living with her.🙄

I said surely James will be helping you in the garden if you need it.

She told me he was very busy in his important job🤨.

Well I told her that my husband was equally busy and had very young children so James will have to find the time or pay a gardener.

It really irritated me and I gave her a wide berth from that day.

CF!

TheRideOfYourLife · 26/02/2022 17:07

@Grapewrath

Tell her now the world is back to normal you will struggle to help her ask much due to your working hours and long commute. Offer to set up online shopping for her or refer to appropriate services. Be firm. If she doesn’t accept this then stop taking her calls
This.
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