To feel ‘put upon’ by elderly neighbour

[Troyes76]

Before lockdown I began to help out an elderly neighbour (late 70s) with grocery shopping and of course this carried on during lockdown.
However, this is still continuing and I feel like it’s moved from me helping her to her expecting me to do so many things.
I now work in a city an hour’s commute away, so I leave at 7am and get back at 6. She asked me to get her some perfume from a specialist shop the other side of the city, which would have added another hour onto my journey, I said I couldn’t but she keeps mentioning it. She doesn’t like the supermarket I use, so whenever she phones me with a list, she spends ages going through each item of last week’s shopping and how disappointing/wrong it was. She has asked me not to do click and collect as she prefers me to choose each item, I’ve said no as I don’t have time, then I get an ever longer phone call about disappointing shopping!
She won’t pay bills over the phone, so asks me to go to the post office, fine but the only time I get is Saturday, she has just asked that I pay bills the same day she gives them to me as they need to be paid.
She asks me to get all kinds of hobby things from many different shops, and won’t have things ordered online and delivered to her.
At the end of the day, she’s elderly and has no family locally, but her demands are increasing. AIBU?

@Steelesauce

I've seen this many times. Can you get a phone number for a family member and tell them how you feel? You need to stop doing as much, there are agencies that can help with all these things but the family will need to organise and pay for those services.

I wish my DP’s neighbours would say no more often - my parents, who are both in their late 80s, have grasped on to one neighbour, who offered help in lockdown. Now they even ring him while he is at work to pick up non-essential stuff from the shop on his way home and ask him to take them to appointments despite the fact that he has his own family to worry about. .Maybe he doesn’t mind 🤷🏼‍♀️ However, I feel he feeds into their illusion that they are coping and living independently. While he continues, they see no reason to pay for taxis or additional support (which they could afford). I have suggested that they downsize and move nearer me (which would save me make regular long round trips to sort out various issues) but they won’t as they are “fine” and their “neighbours are so helpful’

Had the exact same thing. If I walked past she would shout out the window could you just get me xyz if you are going to the shop. It got to the point where I actually changed beds for her if she had people coming to stay, I hoovered and tided. her own daughter lived round the corner and did nothing. looking back at it I was bonkers. Give a inch and people will take a mile. In the end I went cold turkey just out of pure tiredness as I have children, work and run my own home. In hindsight I was almost overseeing the running of two homes. I stopped answering the landline in fact I unplugged the landline. Walked the other way to the shop even though it was longer but it meant I didn't pass her window. Refused offers to pop in for coffee because I was busy. Basically pulled the blinds down and closed up shop. Took about 6 weeks before she left me alone and now we barely talk but it's still amicable and guess what she's absolutely fine and well and I get to use that energy for myself and my family once more. Do it today. Xx

I’ve tried to contact different services, but they need a referral or request from her, and she tells them she’s fine and doesn’t need any additional help (as I’m helping her!)

Tell her you're getting busier with work or whatever and you'll only be able to help her for two more weeks. (I wouldn't just drop her with no notice as that would be distressing.) Give her paperwork or links to elderly charities and maybe offer to help her sign up with an online shopping account, but then back off.

Her needs will only increase as she ages and it won't be fair on either of you for her neighbour to bear the brunt of all of it.

I helped an elderly gentleman with a few errands, he was always very grateful but I sometimes felt he was asking a bit much of me since he had no (visible) disability and lived near shops etc. After a year or so, I found out he had told his neighbour that he felt sorry for me "trapped at home with those kiddies all day" and thought I was desperate to have things to do! I was running a business and working all hours at the time but I think I came across as too helpful
I would certainly do nothing involving finances with your neighbour, as a previous poster states, this leaves you open to false accusations. Keep any shopping to a minimum at your pace and on your terms. Be prepared to be pretty blunt.

OP you sound lovely! However, this is one of those situations where when you try to reduce the amount of help you’re giving, this lady is likely to be a bit huffy with you and make out that you’re the one being unreasonable. It’s unlikely that she will be grateful no matter how much help you give. So however difficult it is I would heed some of the excellent advice and encouragement you’ve had here and set boundaries. Personally I would go to see her and tell her how you feel and set out exactly what you’re prepared to do but I do realise that this would be a very challenging thing to do. Definitely take some action as this is clearly having a very negative effect on your well-being. Good luck!

@Totalwasteofpaper

Jesus stop this now. Its nuts and she is very entitled.

None of it is okay and half of it is a random 'preference' just no... leave her to her own devices and I am sure you will find that phoning to pay bills or setting up a DD like a normal person if perfectly cool for her.

Stop being available

for the food shopping just say you literally have an hour this week and don't have time, she needs to make other arrangements. Bye.

I wouldn't care if she thought I was heartless and never spoke to me again.

This.

I remember an elderly neighbour who when I arrived home with two small children after a long walk home came across to me as soon as I got to my door. Her husband, she said
, wanted the Radio Times. No problem, I said. I will get one for him tomorrow when I go to the shops (which were ten minutes each way walk). But he wants it now! Was her reply. I just said no, it's not possible. She went off in a huff. You really need to draw clear lines about what you are happy to do and tell her. People who are selfish when young are going to be selfish when they are old.

Just because shes old doesnt mean shes not taking the piss

Age UK can set her up with a volunteer who can help her with some of these things.

YANBU i would stop helping she's asking too much and then complaining? She can do it herself from now on

I read this post and thought I must have written it without realising! Am in a similar position. 70 yo neighbour, husband terminal. He paid all bills, did shopping etc. She doesn't drive, can't walk far. Have been shopping for her weekly since Christmas. Taking her to doctors every other week. As it's been half term this week I told her I wasn't available and will use this to scale things back a bit. Have told her I'll be getting busier now the weather is nicer and have less time, will need to teach her how to online shop..she's never even used a computer! I'll set it up with her and use her card to pay. Was also thinking of contacting social services as when her husband dies she'll need help with transport etc. Also bills will need to be paid by direct debit as it's ridiculous traipsing to the post office to pay bills nowadays! They literally have no family though so it's a bit different, no-one else to help except another neighbour who does bits and pieces. I'd recommend saying similar to your neighbour, life is busier and you simply don't have the time. She should be bloody grateful you're doing it at all!

We are often called on to hel our elderly neighbours. They have a big family of 6 children and loads of adult grandchildren. The nearest is 10 minutes drive and they don't like to 'trouble' them so we get called on to help with a lot of little but quite tiresome jobs. The lady can be quite snappy and rude as well. She injured her arm and called dh yesterday to lift her bag out of her car. It was while the football was on so he wanted to be quick. As he was hotfooting it back to the footy she shouted 'BOB! You forgot to ask about my arm?'

She told me off once because she called me for help with something but I answered and told her I wasn't at home. 'But you are at home as your car is there!'. Yes my car is there but I'm out with a friend who picked me up

We really don't mind helping but it's always something that needs doing RIGHT NOW and the rudeness is a bit much. It's difficult to say no as the jobs are always very small like get something from the loft or move something heavy. Thank goodness they do shopping online!

I hope you manage to start saying no, op.

To those saying, ' she is not elderly'. The average age of death for a woman is 81, so I would say late 70s definitely counts as old in human life years.

Yes, yes we all know amazing older people who still run marathons at 82, but they are outliers. Most people are quite frail and nearing the end of their life around that time.

A friend (in her late 70s herself, but very active) got into exactly the same situation with a disabled neighbour during Covid.
The neighbour actuallhas a perfectly able-bodied but not helpful son living in the same town, but he's 'too busy', which my friend clearly wasn't.
Last month, when the neighbour had finished telling my friend everything that was wrong with the shopping she had bought her, my friend finally said, 'Well, you won't be disappointed again, because I'm afraid that that's the last time', and she has stuck to it, while feeling incredibly guilty.
Yesterday she saw the son carrying shopping into the house for the first time ever.
You have helped, OP, but there comes a time when you need to step back.

I think you can tell her as you're back at work you can't manage this anymore. So sorry, perhaps she can now call those charities and get a bit of help. Then you have to be firm because she'll probably test you. But you are not responsible, you did a kind thing by helping, but now she's taking it for granted and is expecting more. Not fair on you!

So you need some stock phrases say to her

So -
her - I don’t like X supermarkets produce I like Y shop
You - I don’t agree so it’s probably best for you to organise a paid service, taxi or online shop. I have stopped shopping in person as Im too busy to shop for myself now things are opening back up so I now get my online shop from X.

Her - these bills need paying today
You oh well I can’t do it then as it’s not convenient/I have work/ another commitment. You should send a cheque/ pay by phone/set up dd.

Her - I need x item from random shop miles out of your way
You - I’m not going to be going anywhere near that place for the foreseeable future- I’m so busy catching up on my social life /friends/work etc so if you’re desperate you should see if they will deliver or if not you need paid shopping service, taxi etc

Don’t you have that high priority project at work for the next few months and you are also studying for a professional exam that’s mandatory for your job?
I’ll stop all the “help” straightaway. Wtf !!

I'd stop doing all of it. That will likely be the only way to make her find her own solutions.

Youve been very kind OP but definitely doing too much and need to stop. Useful support/information on link below for Age UK on services that support older people with shopping etc. I would give her notice that you can't manage beyond next week or whenever suits, then pass her this information and let her deal with it. You could always give them a call for advice first. But when you stop do not get then drawn into sorting it out for her. (Just a thought, but if you are going away anytime soon that would be a good time to withdraw help, as you won't be physically around to be put upon).

www.ageuk.org.uk/services/in-your-area/shopping/

Agree with everyone that you need to put boundaries in place now.

"Jean, you know I've helped you out a lot over the past couple of years. Now I have a long commute and longer working hours I'm not going to be able to pay your bills or do your shopping. I picked up this form for AGE UK in case you wanted to see if they can help you with your errands in future."

It will only be a matter of time before she is signed out of hospital as it's understood that YOU will be providing care for her, and various agencies will be only delighted to pass her care onto you

Yes, this too; it's amazing how often Social Services get the wrong end of the stick because folk have been "volunteered", sometimes even without their knowledge, and before you know it you're a carer "just until it's sorted out", which of course can take forever

Ditto the comments about handling finances ... all very well until something goes wrong, then guess who'll get the blame when those previously disinterested relatives suddenly appear because money's involved

She’s taking the piss, you sound like a lovely person but you need to stop being at her beck & call. Some people will take & leave you with nothing for yourself if you let them. Ignore & start enjoying your own life.

God it always shocks me how much people are willing to give away of their time/effort and then wonder if they are being unreasonable. You do far too much anyway and then the cherry on the cake is that its not good enough and she wants more!

Lol @ people saying late 70s isn’t elderly. You might want to look up life expectancy.

OP you will make yourself ill. You have your own family and YOURSELF to look after. She’s had her turn, now it’s yours.

She's being a pain.

My DM is in her 80s and heavily reliant on neighbours but she takes care to spread her requests around, doesn't ask for stuff like perfume and doesn't care how it's bought! I do her online shopping and if it's wrong she never says.

I have no doubt that she sometimes goes over the line but she does also make a lot of cake in thanks, and she's aware she's dependent so will occasionally swallow her pride and apologise.

You need to make clear what your limits are or just give up on the basis that you are back to work now and point her towards Age Concern.