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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel ‘put upon’ by elderly neighbour

222 replies

Troyes76 · 26/02/2022 15:14

Before lockdown I began to help out an elderly neighbour (late 70s) with grocery shopping and of course this carried on during lockdown.
However, this is still continuing and I feel like it’s moved from me helping her to her expecting me to do so many things.
I now work in a city an hour’s commute away, so I leave at 7am and get back at 6. She asked me to get her some perfume from a specialist shop the other side of the city, which would have added another hour onto my journey, I said I couldn’t but she keeps mentioning it. She doesn’t like the supermarket I use, so whenever she phones me with a list, she spends ages going through each item of last week’s shopping and how disappointing/wrong it was. She has asked me not to do click and collect as she prefers me to choose each item, I’ve said no as I don’t have time, then I get an ever longer phone call about disappointing shopping!
She won’t pay bills over the phone, so asks me to go to the post office, fine but the only time I get is Saturday, she has just asked that I pay bills the same day she gives them to me as they need to be paid.
She asks me to get all kinds of hobby things from many different shops, and won’t have things ordered online and delivered to her.
At the end of the day, she’s elderly and has no family locally, but her demands are increasing. AIBU?

OP posts:
2bazookas · 26/02/2022 15:35

Just tell her that you're so busy at work you 're having to cut down the demands on your time. So she needs to find a new helper.

Her best option is to pay someone to run errands for her.

Schmoozer · 26/02/2022 15:36

Omg !!! You have been amazing neighbour / friend but you need to be realistic about what you can manage
Time to put in boundaries and she will need to adjust

Dontbeme · 26/02/2022 15:39

Eh trying not to be morbid here but this neighbour is only going to get older, more infirm and with more demanding needs and you have put yourself in the cross hairs through kindness. It will only be a matter of time before she is signed out of hospital as it's understood that YOU will be providing care for her, and various agencies will be only delighted to pass her care onto you. So stop now before things get to that point. By you being involved, even through kindness, it will prevent her getting any support she may be entitled to and need.

Chocaholic9 · 26/02/2022 15:46

I'm currently disabled and I pay someone to do errands and shopping for me, and I show more gratitude than your neighbour does. She's taking the piss to expect you to do all of this for free on an ongoing basis and you need to put a stop to it. She can put an ad somewhere to find someone to help her. Don't feel guilty.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 26/02/2022 15:46

OP She isnt your family or your friend and you are not her carer. She is just a neighbour, So I would say I am going to Tesco on wednesday do you need anything,maybe at a push. No you cant do tuesday or any other day you are going wednesday like you said.Stick to your narrative.If she wants perfume yes you will order it online for her takes 2 mins really I would have no objection to that,If she wants help and you are willing she gets that help on your terms with no extra interference on your time,Same with bill paying ,,if you are going and she gets her bills ready fine if not then not your problem..Awful to say but you owe her nothing,Life has been shocking for all of us but now is the time to start living again, You have done more than enough when needed and that makes you a super special lovely human but enough now.Live your life which ever way works best for you with no apologies.

vixeyann · 26/02/2022 15:47

Unless she has health issues, late 70s is not so old that she can't be doing a lot of these things herself. My nan is 94 and is off running her errands and doing her shopping, which is keeping her active and going. She refers to a lot of others younger than her as those 'old women!'
This is putting a lot of pressure on you and I think you may need to be pretty blunt.

Rainartist · 26/02/2022 15:47

She is not elderly! And she is taking the piss big style. The cheek of insisting on particular shops and asking for nonessentials like perfume and craft stuff.

I think I'd cut your losses now and say that your circumstances have changed and you are unable to help any more, don't give reasons or excuses. Lockdown has ended, restrictions are lifted and she needs to source help from another area.

Are you happy to run around after her for potentially another 20 years?

MinnieMountain · 26/02/2022 15:47

Presumably she paid her bills for decades before you helped her. So she can do it again.

And of course she can learn to use the internet. DH’s 95yo DGM does. Your local library probably has classes.

sonjadog · 26/02/2022 15:48

I think you need to be straight with her about this and say clearly what you will and will not do, and then stick to it. If she knows who to contact for help, then leave her to it, or if she doesn't maybe give her a few phone numbers for places to contact.

Gizacluethen · 26/02/2022 15:48

Can you go on holiday and then just not do it when you come back. It's easier to say no after a break.

Failing that I'd just move and change my number.

Akire · 26/02/2022 15:49

Suggest she needs a carer from an agency even if that’s only an hour or so a week for shopping and paying bills. She likely have pay full cost herself even if she only has pension. If she’s telling people she needs no help then say that’s great I’m glad you don’t need help now. As for the moaning about no click n collect?? I’d stick at note through door and say from X date I can’t do this any more (possible with excuse other than I’ve had enough) she has time to sort. Using car agency for this is bread and butter of agencies and perfectly normal. The alternative is she starves can’t see that being an option she chooses!

Whywonttheyhelpme · 26/02/2022 15:49

You really need to have a sit down chat with the neighbour and say exactly what you are willing to help with and offer alternative avenues of help for things you are not willing to help with. DO NOT NEGOTIATE!!!!

You are being more than kind and unfortunately the neighbour has far too much time on her hands.

Jvg33 · 26/02/2022 15:51

She's bored and enjoys talking to you. I think it would be better to have a time slot with her once a week for a chat rather than run her errands if you wish to.

Mischance · 26/02/2022 15:52

Could you help her by getting these things on the internet for her?

I am currently in a difficult situation - I have slipped two discs in my back and am doped up on painkillers and there is so much that I cannot do. My OH died two years ago so there is no-one here to help.

If I drop something on the floor, there it stays ... I have got a grabber and try to lift things, but do not always succeed. My lovely neighbours are always offering to help with anything at all, but I do not want to find myself in the situation of the OP's neighbour. The last thing I want to do is to put upon my neighbours. It is very hard. I hate it so much.

I now have someone in to do the basic cleaning - they came yesterday - then 4 grandchildren and their parents descended at lunchtime and the place is wrecked!! It was an absolute joy to see them of course!! Smile

It is not a great place to be! I wish I could wave a wand and get rid of this appalling pain.

Howshouldibehave · 26/02/2022 15:53

She’s wiping her feet all over you!

I would offer to do her shopping but if she moaned about any single thing that I’d got wrong, I would say sorry she’s not happy, she will need to do her own. Life is too short to be treated like this by ungrateful people.

she has just asked that I pay bills the same day she gives them to me as they need to be paid

WTF-she’s not your boss!

I would use this conversation to put my foot down. Say, you’ve been helping during lockdown but this has to stop. Explain to her you work and will not be getting her expensive perfume an hour out of the way, hobby equipment or queuing at a post office to pay her bills on your day off.

I would really keep my distance. How does she contact you? You need to start being far less available. Has she ever worked full time-does she understand or card how bloody hard it is? She’s treating you like a skivvy.

Creeping5Vin · 26/02/2022 15:54

Offer to buy perfume online only

Banks or post office should help with her set up direct debits

Offer food shopping when you go only or online

Set some boundaries

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 26/02/2022 15:54

Just a thought OP if you feel awful about this and you have a family of your own blame them! I have so often got myself in a pickle over the years with this kind of thing but I can blame my husband.He is brilliant and doesnt care one iota who he offends so he gladly lets me use him as the bad guy even though he really isnt! Might be worth a thought!!!

AngelinaFibres · 26/02/2022 15:54

Husband's golf partner started off helping the elderly man next door with occasional lifts. Now golf partner has retired he is being booked in for regular shopping and hospital trips. It is slowly increasing. He has told him to set boundaries. There are lots of volunteering groups out there that people need to contact instead of relying on neighbours. Have a word with Age UK Op.

HollowTalk · 26/02/2022 15:55

She is really a CF.

What did she do before you did everything for her? I would be wary of doing online shopping for her as I wouldn't want access to her bank card - you can imagine that going belly up.

I think I'd speak to adult social services - I have no idea who else could help, I'm afraid.

StripeyDeckchair · 26/02/2022 15:55

Had a neighbour like this in a previous house when the children were a lot younger.
Sold the house privately to a former colleague who'd always loved it (so no For Sale sign or listings)
On moving day neighbour came over to find out what was happening & just berated me for leaving her alone, how would she cope, why hadn't I told her, ranting about her needs.

I realised she had no concern for us, our children or anything just how it would impact her.

3 days later she called all sweet as pie as if there'd been no rant and asked about me getting her some shopping. I told her we now lived over half an hour away & I wouldn't be doing anything for her again, that her rant had been rude & entitled & she should delete my number from her contacts.

skyeisthelimit · 26/02/2022 15:56

You need to draw some boundaries and make it clear what you can and can't do. Tell her you will help her to set up direct debits, or otherwise you will pay bills on X date once a month, no further discussion.

Tell her you will get her shopping on X date from X shop and that is it and that you do not want to hear any complaints about it as you will not be going anywhere else and if she keeps on moaning you will stop completely.

Tell her that she either gets the hobby stuff delivered to her or you do not have time to get it.

I know it is difficult, I do a lot of things for my neighbour, but you just have to be really firm.

gingerhills · 26/02/2022 15:57

Tell her the truth. Tell her now you are back to commuting and lockdown is over, you have longer hours and more commitments and you can't do this any more. Say you will help out in an emergency but day-to-day she needs someone who can properly attend to her needs.

Treat her a bit as you would a child and explain very clearly without ambiguity: I can't get your perfume. The shop is too far from where I work. I don't have time to go out of the way like that. You need to find someone else to get your perfume.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 26/02/2022 15:59

If it was me I'd tell her this is what I am able to do for you, if you want more than that I can contact social services and they can come do an assessment.

You need to do something or you're going to eventually snap, tell her she's taking the piss and you're not helping her any more so it's best to deal with it before you get to that point.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/02/2022 16:00

I’ve tried to contact different services, but they need a referral or request from her, and she tells them she’s fine and doesn’t need any additional help (as I’m helping her!)

Yes, she will do, and unfortunately this sort of increasing demand is very common, as is the pickiness and general "that doesn't suit"

It's not clear if your now working in the city with a lengthy commute is recent, but your choices are to either say you now have less time and can help for x amount of time on y day, to tell her you can no longer help at all, or to go on as you're doing until she drives you demented

Unfortunately there aren't any other options

HufflepuffPride · 26/02/2022 16:00

My DM had a neighbour like this. What started out as being neighbourly got completely out of hand ,and it got to the point that this lady would bang on my parents window late at night to say that her TV wouldn’t switch on, or there was something wrong with her heating and all sorts of other things.