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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP upset about ‘secret’ name change

254 replies

HamstersAteMySandwich · 26/02/2022 01:24

I’ve always disliked my first name as I felt it was too cutesy for me, and have never felt any connection to my last name as I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad. When I was 22, I decided to change my entire name (brand new first/middle name, made my last name-sounding middle name my last name) via deed poll. That was more than 10 years ago.

Today, DP and I were sorting out some documents and we stumbled upon my birth certificate. We talked about it, all was fine.

Just before bed she confessed that she felt like I had hid things from her, especially with my ‘made up’ last name (she had a brief interest in genealogy but back then she was merely doing her own family tree and it was early on in the relationship). It’s never been a secret it’s just something that hasn’t come up since the last time someone called me it was way back when I was in year 8 or so.

Am I in the wrong here? She doesn’t want to talk about this and has gone to bed but now I can’t sleep.

post edited to remove identifying details, as requested by the OP.

OP posts:

Alfixn · 26/02/2022 01:28

That is a big thing to have never told a partner tbh - it's the kind of thing that should be disclosed during the getting to know you phase of a relationship, surely? How long are you together?

Arabellla · 26/02/2022 01:29

YANBU, it’s nothing to do with her.

Don’t run after her, she sounds a bit manipulative.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/02/2022 01:30

How long have you been together? If I were in a committed relationship with someone, I would find it odd that this wasn't shared with me. Changing your name isn't necessarily a "BFD" but it is somewhat unusual and a big part of who you are, and who you've evolved to be.

whysoserious123 · 26/02/2022 01:30

Course you didn't have to tell her you haven't used your previous name since you were a child, and that's not who you are but do you see where she is coming from ? It's likely that because people place identity on names ( just like you did you didn't feel connected to your names so changed them to fit your identity ) so with the same reasoning she possibly feels a bit hurt that she didn't know the full YOU, the full story of YOU and your identity, your truth I suppose even though your new name is your truth. Also to you it's a distant memory but to her who is someone who hasn't changed her name and is possibly attached (used) to their name they would feel if they changed their name they wouldn't be true to themselves and in a way lying. Possibly I'm clutching at straws but just a thought

Heartofglass12345 · 26/02/2022 01:37

I couldn't be upset by this, I don't get it.
If it was something you did last year maybe I would find it strange you hadn't said anything, but even then it wouldn't bother me.
I would probably ask why you did it and then say 'oh, ok that makes sense'
Why do some people have to make things that aren't about them, about them?
I wouldn't say anything to her and see what she's like in the morning.

kittenkipper · 26/02/2022 01:41

You changed at 22 and now are 33? 35? Either way your partner didn't know? It's a big change. With many reasons. In a long term relationship it must be hard to find out that your partner has such a huge secret/ past that went in disclosed. Like finding out your partner was once married- It doesn't immediately affect the relationship, but the not having known about it, the secrecy, makes it huge and had it been mentioned early doors it wouldn't have mattered. But late on? It becomes a secret. Which festers .

Original poster

HamstersAteMySandwich · 26/02/2022 01:43

We’ve been together for a bit more than a year. We’ve talked about our childhoods and she knows about all the ridiculous things I did during my school days and my relationship story with my dad etc but just never had the name conversation as it never came up.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 26/02/2022 01:46

How do you think this particular conversation would just come up? Asking if someone has changed their name isn't a common line of questioning. This is something you would need to disclose.

BuffyFanForever · 26/02/2022 02:07

If you had been together for 10 years or something I would have been shocked but about a year is probably ok to be discussing these sorts of things. It is quite a big deal, although it may not be to you, as she might feel that you’ve essentially hidden your “real” name as it were. Have a chat about it and I’m sure you’ll have a laugh about it at some point!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/02/2022 02:20

I think she's over-reacting a touch.

Maybe she's worried about there being more to your namechange than you're letting on - that you're under witness protection, or have a Dark Past that entailed you changing your name for your own protection/purposes?

I don't think it's necessarily something I would have thought to say to a partner, but it's hard to believe that nothing about it came up when she was talking about genealogy with you!

So yeah - she's over-reacting but you should have found a way to bring it up before now.

OhLordyWhatNow · 26/02/2022 02:22

You changed your name legally by deed poll. That is now your legal name.

There's no reason to tell anyone what your old name was. You certainly don't need to justify it to some randoms on Mumsnet either.

If your partner is upset then she needs to think about why she's upset by it.

You've not lied, there's no big secret. You've used your legal name.

Perhaps she's upset because she was snooping into what she thought was your genealogy? And now feels short changed because the answers she thought she'd found are now incorrect.

BottleBrushTree · 26/02/2022 02:31

I think she’s behaving poorly. You’ve only been together for a year and it was something in your distant past, I’m sure it would come up eventually but you’ve moved in from it and it’s no longer important to you so why would you bring it up?

LondonQueen · 26/02/2022 02:34

It is a big thing to keep from your partner in all fairness.

Elspethelf · 26/02/2022 02:38

My first boyfriend was a kid named Zeb I met at the roller rink. We sat next to each other, held hands, and once did a group movie marathon. After three weeks of ‘dating’ I found out his name was actually Zebulon. I felt pretty deceived.

More seriously though, I don’t think you did anything wrong. After only a year of dating it’s unlikely you know everything about her either. Perhaps she is a bit shocked and will realize it’s not a big deal with some time.

nettie434 · 26/02/2022 03:14

People have always changed or adapted their names. I know someone from work who chooses to use her second name. When a group of us met some of her friends from school we discovered that they still usually call her by her first name.

Your situation is different. You have changed your name by deed poll so I wouldn't expect you or anyone else to continue to use the names given you by your parents.

I can see how the topic might not have come up in the year that you've been together. It's unfair to expect that you will to have 'the conversation' about changing your name for the rest of your life.

Goldenharp · 26/02/2022 04:13

My FIL grew up thinking he was called, say John. When he had to produce his birth certificate for a government job as a young man he found out that he had an entirely different name - no relationship to the name John and not even a single letter in common. He switched to his new name but I was always surprised to hear older relatives call him John. It only came up because I asked who John was. He didn't go round saying I'm X but I used to be John.

Adephemy · 26/02/2022 04:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

RantyAunty · 26/02/2022 04:49

You're not wrong. She is.

Your dead name is only your business. You don't have to explain it to anyone.

Associatepeggy · 26/02/2022 05:02

Hmm not sure how I feel about this

I have been with Dp for 5 years. If hevhad changed his whole name and it had never come up then I would feel a bit weird. But 1 year and 5 years is different.

Honestly, for me, I would be concerned there was something being hidden. But I have been a victim of abuse. So that's where my brain would go. I presume a Clares law check, would be more difficult.

A year in, I don't think I would have been upset. But it would have played on my mind a bit.

I do think wethwe she is unreasonable or not depends on how upset she is and how she is in the morning.

MintyFreshBreath · 26/02/2022 05:06

YABU. I think you should have told her and I’d feel hurt and angry if DH had kept something so big from me.

LimeSegment · 26/02/2022 05:20

I don't think you did anything wrong but yes I'd be a bit suprised if I was your dp. I suppose because the first few years are usually when you tell all your biggest, most interesting stories as part of getting to know each other and just enjoying conversation. Things don't have to "come up", you bring them up because you want to share your life and interest them.

So it would seem like you avoided telling her. That's your right of course, but I would think maybe you aren't as close as I had thought.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 26/02/2022 05:57

@OhLordyWhatNow

You changed your name legally by deed poll. That is now your legal name.

There's no reason to tell anyone what your old name was. You certainly don't need to justify it to some randoms on Mumsnet either.

If your partner is upset then she needs to think about why she's upset by it.

You've not lied, there's no big secret. You've used your legal name.

Perhaps she's upset because she was snooping into what she thought was your genealogy? And now feels short changed because the answers she thought she'd found are now incorrect.

This. You didn't need to tell her anything.

loislovesstewie · 26/02/2022 06:00

@MintyFreshBreath

YABU. I think you should have told her and I’d feel hurt and angry if DH had kept something so big from me.

Why? it's only a bloody name that was changed legally. What is the big deal? FWIW I am called something that is not my birth name, it's how I am known to all and sundry. I don't feel I have to go through the rigmarole of telling the 'story' of it all the time.

Associatepeggy · 26/02/2022 06:06

I don't feel I have to go through the rigmarole of telling the 'story' of it all the time.

I am on the fence on this subject.

But telling someone you are in a committed relationship with 'I go by X instead of Y, because...' isn't really a rigmarole all having to tell people all the time.

I am known at work by a different name then my legal one. When I sorted out my company car, pay details etc I just said "my legal name is actually" and if asked 'oh cause X'.

It really doesn't feel like to much drama.

OutlookStalking · 26/02/2022 06:12

Of course you dont have to tell anyone anything but if a year into a serious relationship my partner hadn't told me their big stuff Id be wondering if we were on the same page to be honest. I like openess and shared lives and all that and to me that is part of intimacy. If someone didn't feel a yesr in they could share themselves with me enough I'd move on. ,(Not over one instance as such but it would make me question what else they weren't sharingband if they arent as "open" as me.) I think people do dating and intimacy in dofferent ways though as you can see by these boards! A year of seeing each other once a month is different to year where you move in too.

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