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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP upset about ‘secret’ name change

254 replies

HamstersAteMySandwich · 26/02/2022 01:24

I’ve always disliked my first name as I felt it was too cutesy for me, and have never felt any connection to my last name as I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad. When I was 22, I decided to change my entire name (brand new first/middle name, made my last name-sounding middle name my last name) via deed poll. That was more than 10 years ago.

Today, DP and I were sorting out some documents and we stumbled upon my birth certificate. We talked about it, all was fine.

Just before bed she confessed that she felt like I had hid things from her, especially with my ‘made up’ last name (she had a brief interest in genealogy but back then she was merely doing her own family tree and it was early on in the relationship). It’s never been a secret it’s just something that hasn’t come up since the last time someone called me it was way back when I was in year 8 or so.

Am I in the wrong here? She doesn’t want to talk about this and has gone to bed but now I can’t sleep.

post edited to remove identifying details, as requested by the OP.

OP posts:

SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 26/02/2022 09:13

@RealBecca

Are you married? She might feel like shes given up a last name with history for a name without one.

But OP's name does have a history. Arguably a more meaningful one than ' this was my parent's/parents' name', actually, seeing as it's a name she chose for herself.

katepilar · 26/02/2022 09:17

I guess its hard to find the right time and situation to tell your partner such a thing. Also for you its something you did and dont need to come back to. Fro most people its a big thing I guess. But 1 year into a relationship could be just about right for it to come up in conversation, perhaps a bit late. WOuld be different after lets say 5 years. Imho you can smooth things out by talking about how you both feel about it and its different for both of you.

katepilar · 26/02/2022 09:25

@HamstersAteMySandwich

We’ve been together for a bit more than a year. We’ve talked about our childhoods and she knows about all the ridiculous things I did during my school days and my relationship story with my dad etc but just never had the name conversation as it never came up.

How do you think such a thing would just come up? I think its fair to expect you to bring it up at some point.

JustLyra · 26/02/2022 09:28

I think it’s a random thing to keep from a partner.

I changed my first name at 14 because it was a fucking stupid name (drug addict parents) and I couldn’t wait to be rid of it.

It came up naturally in the childhood chats with DH (and every serious partner I’ve had) as it was such a big decision and a big part of my life. I think it’s odd that it didn’t come up when discussing the relationship with your Dad as it’s naturally linked.

No-one has to tell anyone else anything, but people are allowed to be thrown if their partner keeps something that big secret, especially after natural points for it to come out have been discussed.

Original poster

HamstersAteMySandwich · 26/02/2022 09:32

She’s met my family who refers to me by my childhood nickname (something along the lines of Pixie, Wolfie etc so completely unrelated to my name). Reading some of your posts I get where she’s coming from. From my point of view I see it similar to middle names I only discover when we’re about to go on holiday or do anything official as that’s the only place they seem to be used but I acknowledge not everyone feels the same way.

OP posts:

Blinkingheckythump · 26/02/2022 09:37

Of course yabu, your name is a big part of you and your identity. There was so much time for you to mention you'd changed your name, especially if you'd spoken about genealogy. I'd be hurt if I was her

zingally · 26/02/2022 09:42

I have FEELINGS about this.

My first serious relation was with a guy (name changed), who I knew as Christian Sunfeld. It was only after we'd be dating the better part of a year, and things were getting serious, I actually discovered his REAL name was Christopher Banfield. He'd never had it legally changed, he just went by this whole pseudonym. He tried to explain to me why, but his reasoning never quite stacked up for me.
Granted, I was only 21 at the time, but it really shook me up, and it was the beginning of the end.

PriamFarrl · 26/02/2022 09:42

[quote Gensola]@Associatepeggy that is ridiculously transphobic - you wouldn’t necessarily know they were trans at all - why are you assuming it’s visibly obvious? I’m bringing trans people into it because they often face the kind of mindless, narrow-minded suspicion about changing their name as OP has. They also face the same stupid tendency of people to ask things like “what is your real name” or “what was your birth name” as if anyone has the right to that information. No one has the right to someone’s dead name.[/quote]
If you were in an intimate relationship with someone for a year you would know if they were trans.

And if by discovering someone had changed their name was how I found out that they were trans I would be upset that they had kept that from me.

RitaFires · 26/02/2022 09:46

I would feel a bit stunned if I'd been with someone a year and then found out that they had had a different name that they'd never mentioned. I'd feel like I didn't know them as well as I thought I did. It really depends on how close your relationship is but I would expect to have learned that by then.

godmum56 · 26/02/2022 09:48

I think its 50 50, also NOT the same as somone using their middle name instead of their first name.
You might reasonably think its in your past and not germane to now...she might as reasonably think its a big thing not to know about somone you are intimate with....and what else you might be hiding....its a fairly big expectation disconnect. You need to talk to each other.

LavenderAskew · 26/02/2022 09:56

She's only just discovered - probably very suprised.

There's a lot placed on a person's identity through their names. You see it on here people getting upset if they are referred to by their husband's surname or by a nickname. It was important enough to you for you to change yours.

She's just taken aback that something so important about you is new to her.

Obviously, if she won't let it go then that's an issue for you both. But for now, give her time.

We discovered an aunt had a different name at her funeral. It was very surprising!!

KateMcCallister · 26/02/2022 09:56

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I can see why she's upset.

If I found out someone was lying about their name I'd probably wonder what else they were hiding from me.

Who's lying? Op's legal name is the name they've told their partner. There are no lies.

Stravaig · 26/02/2022 10:01

Odd that the comments are so wildly out of sync with the voting.

Getting upset and accusing you of lying because she doesn't know everything about you after a year is a red flag for me. Even after 30 years. Run, OP!

WetLookKnitwear · 26/02/2022 10:08

I’d give her a day or two to come to terms with it. I could understand someone being shocked at first.

I see why you didn’t tell her, it must feel like it’s still your name if you have to keep telling people about it (I think I’d feel like that anyway) plus you’ve moved on.

Original poster

HamstersAteMySandwich · 26/02/2022 10:09

I think another part of it was that it doesn’t feel like a big event for me even though it is.

I never thought about changing my name (was mainly going by a nickname that’s a shortened version of my now last name at the time which I still use) until I heard our new sports coach yell it across a field. I felt it sounded so ‘cringey’, felt completely embarrassed saying it back, and decided then that I’d changed it. Went home, googled it, filled up a form online, and that was it. I actually regret my chosen middle name now but stuck with it as 2 name changes feels ‘sketchy’ even for me.

OP posts:

needanewplannow · 26/02/2022 10:17

My ex had his name changed by deed poll while still a child. I don't remember when he told me about it but it wasn't in the early days.

He was an arsehole for a lot of reasons, but not telling me about his name change wasn't one of them.

Why is your partner making this about her? Is she often this self obsessed / weirdly controlling?

FlasherMcGruff · 26/02/2022 10:20

I’m on your side, OP. You’ve not created a sneaky alias or a new identity. You didn’t do it as an adult. You simply changed a name to one you liked more long before you met your partner and are so used to it that it never really occurred to you that you had to somehow confess. They sound a bit insecure tbh and are making this about not knowing the real you / your past when it’s a name you changed as a child!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/02/2022 10:20

Who's lying? Op's legal name is the name they've told their partner. There are no lies.

It might be her legal name, but it's not her birth name.

People often change their names because they're trying to hide something - a criminal record, a dodgy past, escaping an abusive relationship etc.

IMO it's a big thing to keep from someone you're in a relationship with. If I found out my husband had changed his name twenty years ago and had never told me, I'd be wondering what else happened twenty years ago that he was keeping from me.

LimeSegment · 26/02/2022 10:21

I think another part of it was that it doesn’t feel like a big event for me even though it is.

Things don't have to be big events to be talked about though. The opposite, over time couples spend hours and hours talking, and most of it is random chit chat, not big stuff.

Thats probably why your dp is confused. If it was related to a big trauma that you didn't like to talk about, or revealing the information could harm you, it would be quite understandable that you avoid the subject. But if its no big deal, why wouldn't you have mentioned it.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/02/2022 10:21

@FlasherMcGruff

She wasn't a child - she was 22.

MNHQ

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 26/02/2022 10:26

@HamstersAteMySandwich we're not sure if you've used your real (old) name in your OP. If you'd like us to edit it out, please let us know.

Electriq · 26/02/2022 10:37

You had an identity you didn't like, you changed ypur identity, the whole point of that is to remove your old identity, so i dont understand the 'oh hi im A but I used to be called B'
I couldn't be upset about this either.

TheSuperbOwl · 26/02/2022 10:40

*MintyFreshBreath

YABU. I think you should have told her and I’d feel hurt and angry if DH had kept something so big from me.*

Hurt and angry? Really?
I can understand being puzzled.
Someone has changed their name and it is completely and utterly their own business and right to do so.
Why do people feel it's their right to know everything about people? Nobody's allowed a fucking private life these days.

Associatepeggy · 26/02/2022 10:41

@HamstersAteMySandwich

This is the thing. It doesn't have to be someone in the wrong. You can think its not a big deal and she can think its a bit weird about you not telling her.

Original poster

HamstersAteMySandwich · 26/02/2022 10:41

@YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet Oh drats, could you please redact my name in my OP? Thanks!

OP posts:

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