Page 10 | DP upset about ‘secret’ name change

HamstersAteMySandwich · 2022-02-26T01:24:14+00:00

I’ve always disliked my first name as I felt it was too cutesy for me, and have never felt any connection to my last name as I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad. When I was 22, I decided to change my entire name (brand new first/middle name, made my last name-sounding middle name my last name) via deed poll. That was more than 10 years ago. Today, DP and I were sorting out some documents and we stumbled upon my birth certificate. We talked about it, all was fine. Just before bed she confessed that she felt like I had hid things from her, especially with my ‘made up’ last name (she had a brief interest in genealogy but back then she was merely doing her own family tree and it was early on in the relationship). It’s never been a secret it’s just something that hasn’t come up since the last time someone called me it was way back when I was in year 8 or so. Am I in the wrong here? She doesn’t want to talk about this and has gone to bed but now I can’t sleep. *post edited to remove identifying details, as requested by the OP.*

Original poster

HamstersAteMySandwich · 28/02/2022 16:37

I’m still being given the cold shoulder. Our usual bagel place had a new flavour today so texted her and asked if she wanted one, got blue-ticked so just bought her usual order and left it on the counter (both WfH and my workspace is the kitchen island and hers is in the guest room). Left the house for maybe 2 mins and she took the bagel to her room (she practically never eats in there) so clearly avoiding me. Not sure what I can do at this stage tbh.

OP posts:

TopCatsTopHat · 28/02/2022 17:13

She's taking a very obstructive approach to resolving this issue.
Anyone with a successful longterm relationship will tell you that problems are overcome best when the lines of communication stay open, mutual respect is shown and both parties feel heard and understood when discussing opposing views.
Get approach is about as far from that as you can get! That's a red flag for me.

TopCatsTopHat · 28/02/2022 17:15

Let's face it your relationship though established is fresh enough to be untested, and how your first and second biggest issues are resolved between you will be the decider whether you will go the distance and will set the tone for what's to come... No long term relationship its plain sailing, you're getting a good look at how things will look when you hit the bumps... Chilly that's how they look.

OhLordyWhatNow · 28/02/2022 17:19

Who's place are you living in?

Did she move in with you, you into her place, or get somewhere joint?

You need to consider how to extricate yourself because this sulk has already lasted too long for a healthy relationship and as PP said sets the tone for future disagreements. It will be truly wearing.

Isaidnomorecrisps · 28/02/2022 23:28

Why didn’t you tell her? Genuinely? Even if it’s not a big deal for you objectively it is a big thing for an average person.
It’s also the sort of weird singular thing you might want to share, to bond etc. I know tons of bonkers things about my OH, not because he felt he had to but because they were funny, his stories. They didn’t all come out at once but he does say them.
So - I don’t think it’s normal you didn’t tell her - a year is a long time, but I guess the point is do you have the sort of relationship where this type of stuff is shared? And do you get that she might want it even if you don’t?
No advice really, but I wouldn’t brush it off as of no importance to you so she’s being silly.

needanewplannow · 28/02/2022 23:31

@HamstersAteMySandwich

I’m still being given the cold shoulder. Our usual bagel place had a new flavour today so texted her and asked if she wanted one, got blue-ticked so just bought her usual order and left it on the counter (both WfH and my workspace is the kitchen island and hers is in the guest room). Left the house for maybe 2 mins and she took the bagel to her room (she practically never eats in there) so clearly avoiding me. Not sure what I can do at this stage tbh.

She's showing you who she is, and that's a self absorbed dick.

Time to move on IMO.

MammaMacgill87 · 01/03/2022 06:44

I really feel for you OP and her and #bagelgate is really showing you how she handles (or really doesn't) difficult situations. As an adult I really wouldn't tolerate being ignored in my own home after such a trivial pathetic argument, that tbh wasn't even an argument. None of us know the situation but it appears as if she's showing her true colors and they aren't very nice. Don't buy her anything else don't pander to her at all, next time she comes near id be saying, 'we discuss this like adults or else we need to be thinking about moving on because this is rediculous'
Whatever happens good luck with it all, hope the home front thaws out soon

girlmom21 · 01/03/2022 07:18

OP tell her to grow up. There's no big dark secret - you just changed your name 10 years ago because you didn't like it.

She gets over it or she doesn't but you're not willing to be treated like an idiot because she's upset about something that happened half a lifetime ago.

Associatepeggy · 01/03/2022 07:47

@HamstersAteMySandwich

I’m still being given the cold shoulder. Our usual bagel place had a new flavour today so texted her and asked if she wanted one, got blue-ticked so just bought her usual order and left it on the counter (both WfH and my workspace is the kitchen island and hers is in the guest room). Left the house for maybe 2 mins and she took the bagel to her room (she practically never eats in there) so clearly avoiding me. Not sure what I can do at this stage tbh.

Yeah this isn't ok. Feeling a bit weird about it and telling you that is fine.

Still giving the cold shoulder days later really isn't. If she has specific reason this has bothered her, she needs to talk to you about why.

If she is still sorting her feelings out about (possibly going and back and forth about whether it's a problem or not) then she needs to tell you that.

This behaviour is really not ok.

Original poster

HamstersAteMySandwich · 01/03/2022 16:14

Still frosty here today. This is our second major argument, if you could call it that. First time around I was ignored for a week and was told by her that she ‘doesn’t do conflict’. I’ve given her plenty of space to process things and acknowledged through text that yeah maybe I should’ve somehow brought it up sooner. Not a great day all around.

OP posts:

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 01/03/2022 16:28

She's being a cow.

Ok, she was upset, but carrying it on for this long is not on.

She needs to grow up and apologise for her behaviour.

JustLyra · 01/03/2022 16:28

@HamstersAteMySandwich

Still frosty here today. This is our second major argument, if you could call it that. First time around I was ignored for a week and was told by her that she ‘doesn’t do conflict’.

I’ve given her plenty of space to process things and acknowledged through text that yeah maybe I should’ve somehow brought it up sooner. Not a great day all around.

Initially I could see her point however it’s gone way beyond that.

Someone who ignores you for a week is not a good partner.

What she means by “doesn’t do conflict” is that she doesn’t do arguments (which all couples have) in a healthy or respectful way. Instead she gives the silent treatment until the other person gives in.

Unless you want a lifetime of this run away now.

Walkingalot · 01/03/2022 16:29

I couldn't put up with someone like that. Not talking for a week! It's a form of control.

RockinHorseShit · 01/03/2022 16:31

I had an ex who did this 2 years into our relationship.

Note he's an ex.

This is a really deceitful thing to do to a long term partner, it makes a mockery of your relationship to date if you couldn't tell them sooner

notacooldad · 01/03/2022 17:15

*Still frosty here today. This is our second major argument, if you could call it that. First time around I was ignored for a week and was told by her that she ‘doesn’t do conflict’. confused I’ve given her plenty of space to process things and acknowledged through text that yeah maybe I should’ve somehow brought it up sooner. Not a great day all around

affairsofdragons · 01/03/2022 17:36

She 'doesn't do conflict'?

No, what she does instead is emotional abuse. The silent treatment is emotional abuse.

Tell her to pack her stuff up and to get to f*ck.

TopCatsTopHat · 01/03/2022 17:55

@HamstersAteMySandwich

Still frosty here today. This is our second major argument, if you could call it that. First time around I was ignored for a week and was told by her that she ‘doesn’t do conflict’.

I’ve given her plenty of space to process things and acknowledged through text that yeah maybe I should’ve somehow brought it up sooner. Not a great day all around.

Wow. So she's had her point of view (which is her subjective pov not a universally held pov) completely acknowledged by someone who has not knowingly done anything wrong in failing to mention something that is ancient history and nothing sinister and is still maintaining cold shoulder. All in the name of conflict avoidance. Resolving differing view points does not have to be conflict. Adult conversation allows for two people to discuss, debate, speak, listen, compromise etc etc all without any conflict. Run for the hills. She is offering a 'my way or nothing' life to you

Sswhinesthebest · 01/03/2022 18:09

I don’t blame her for being surprised and taking a moment to think things through, but her refusal to discuss problems doesn’t look good for future conflict resolving.

Sparticuscaticus · 01/03/2022 18:42

@HamstersAteMySandwich
I think your DP is wrong to sulk and be frosty with you
She's going too far

I understand it was a bit disconcerting to find out something quite big that you hadn't thought to mention before, but you did mention it eventually a year in to relationship ... you weren't deliberately hiding it. Probably didn't give it any thought as it doesn't often come up

I found out after 5 years of dating and having know then my exH for 13 years by then. when we went to put in forms to get married and buy our house that his legal name was different and he used his middle name. He had told me he had middle name- he did and he used it as his first name and had never once said he had a different first name which was his legal name still . He didn't once tell me. However he was one for secrets though and I found out during our long marriage how shifty and dishonest he could be which was part of a bigger pattern. It wasn't the name change, didn't mind that. But taken aback but I didn't sulk, it was at the time a weird story as all my friends and family and his friends were all a bit surprised during the wedding vows!

Really your DP is trying to make you feel like you've done something to her when its not who you are now, it's an old name change /improvement that you'd forgotten about and probably don't give any thought to. Your legal name (by deed poll) is who you are and you have had it for many years. It doesn't affect her as you sign things with your legal name

I think your DP is making it about her. It isn't about her and unless you have a history of keeping lots of secrets, being told this when living together about a year in seems about right

Better than 13 years later when you wonder why your Fiancé is signing for a house purchase and to apply for banns in a completely different first name!

saraclara · 01/03/2022 18:55

Seriously, the way she reacts to things is way, way out of order. As I said before, I grew up with this from my mother. It's incredibly damaging and stressful. I would absolutely advise against staying with anyone who uses this method of punishing you (even if it wasn't for something that was absolutely reasonable on your part in the first place).

Cocomarine · 01/03/2022 19:15

@HamstersAteMySandwich

Still frosty here today. This is our second major argument, if you could call it that. First time around I was ignored for a week and was told by her that she ‘doesn’t do conflict’.

I’ve given her plenty of space to process things and acknowledged through text that yeah maybe I should’ve somehow brought it up sooner. Not a great day all around.

Oh come on. She has form for abusive behaviour then, and now you’re taking more of it. Tell her to shove the bagel up her arse, and separate.

Cocomarine · 01/03/2022 19:16

Would you feel able to share why she ignored you for a week previously?

TurquoiseDragon · 01/03/2022 20:43

@HamstersAteMySandwich

Still frosty here today. This is our second major argument, if you could call it that. First time around I was ignored for a week and was told by her that she ‘doesn’t do conflict’.

I’ve given her plenty of space to process things and acknowledged through text that yeah maybe I should’ve somehow brought it up sooner. Not a great day all around.

This is childish behaviour on her part, and doesn't look good for a healthy relationship.

In your place, OP, I'd be dumping. Life's too short for a shit relationship, and having lived with an abuser for a very long time, I reckon her behaviour will get worse.

Her frosty treatment right now is her testing you to see how much you'd give in to her. It's not worth it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/03/2022 22:54

She's just punishing you now.

Initially it was relatively understandable that she might be shocked/hurt/upset but now she's just being mean. This is a type of bullying behaviour, and constitutes emotional abuse.

I'd be reconsidering this relationship as well at this stage.

girlmom21 · 02/03/2022 06:46

@HamstersAteMySandwich

Still frosty here today. This is our second major argument, if you could call it that. First time around I was ignored for a week and was told by her that she ‘doesn’t do conflict’.

I’ve given her plenty of space to process things and acknowledged through text that yeah maybe I should’ve somehow brought it up sooner. Not a great day all around.

But when would have been the right time because it sounds like she'd have been a prick if you told her at any point after the first couple of dates.

I agree with the others - it's emotional abuse at this point and it's bloody exhausting.