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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP upset about ‘secret’ name change

254 replies

HamstersAteMySandwich · 26/02/2022 01:24

I’ve always disliked my first name as I felt it was too cutesy for me, and have never felt any connection to my last name as I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad. When I was 22, I decided to change my entire name (brand new first/middle name, made my last name-sounding middle name my last name) via deed poll. That was more than 10 years ago.

Today, DP and I were sorting out some documents and we stumbled upon my birth certificate. We talked about it, all was fine.

Just before bed she confessed that she felt like I had hid things from her, especially with my ‘made up’ last name (she had a brief interest in genealogy but back then she was merely doing her own family tree and it was early on in the relationship). It’s never been a secret it’s just something that hasn’t come up since the last time someone called me it was way back when I was in year 8 or so.

Am I in the wrong here? She doesn’t want to talk about this and has gone to bed but now I can’t sleep.

post edited to remove identifying details, as requested by the OP.

OP posts:

LemonyFace · 26/02/2022 07:30

I know you keep saying you never told her as "it never came up" Well of course it didn't, it's not exactly something that she would ever think so it is something you need to specifically raise.
Has she never met any of your family? Or old friends?
If this was me I'd be very upset, and to be honest reconsidering the relationship.

SamphiretheStickerist · 26/02/2022 07:31

You'bve been together for a year. Not all that lng int he scheme of things.

It came up when she saw paperwork, stuff that you were not hiding, you didn't pretend it was anythig other than what it was.

She needs to get over this. It's not a huge deal but, if she choses to make it one then maybe she is not as settled in your relationship as either of you thought.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/02/2022 07:32

YABU - this is something you should have told her.

If I were in a relationship with a man and accidentally found out that the name he had given me was not the name he had given me (or was currently living under) I would be worried and suspicious.

SamphiretheStickerist · 26/02/2022 07:32

@Gensola could we not, just once, have a conversation about women that doesn't have transwomen crammed into it? Sometimes men really are NOT The centre of all things!

Footballsundays6777 · 26/02/2022 07:33

My husband has a diff surname to his now surname and it changed when he was in his teens. I can’t remember when he told me , but v early on when we were talking about family our lives etc. I mean within a few weeks!

supermoonrising · 26/02/2022 07:40

For many people (and in many cultures), first names aren’t just a method of calling somebody/getting someone’s attention, they are seen (rightly or wrongly) as quite significant. And surnames can signify 100s or even 1000 of years of family history. Of course you have the right to keep it private, but OTH I can completely understand why it would make some people uncomfortable not to know about it.

Hshuznw · 26/02/2022 07:41

@TheYearOfSmallThings

YABU - this is something you should have told her.

If I were in a relationship with a man and accidentally found out that the name he had given me was not the name he had given me (or was currently living under) I would be worried and suspicious.

This. I would wonder what else they’re hiding from me.

MrsMingech · 26/02/2022 07:49

I changed my surname by deedpoll and it doesn't cross my mind to tell anyone unless they ask me outright.
Years ago I used to know a guy who changed his name, his first name was terrible and his new name was great.
I didn't find out until years later until someone else told me.
People like to forget their old names for a reason and it's not always a dodgy reason.

PaddlingLikeADuck · 26/02/2022 07:51

I know you keep saying you never told her as "it never came up" Well of course it didn't, it's not exactly something that she would ever think so it is something you need to specifically raise. If this was me I'd be very upset, and to be honest reconsidering the relationship.

Shit.

I had a termination 11 years before I met my DH in very upsetting circumstances. My DH doesn’t know as it’s something I’ve put behind me, something I don’t like talking about and something that is not part of my life anymore.

Mind you, based on this thread it seems my DH has a right to know this about me, and seeing as it’s not something he would directly ask about I guess I need to find a way to specifically raise the conversation with him. I mean, I don’t want to risk him reconsidering our marriage or feeling lied to if my termination ever came to light in the future.

The responses on this thread baffle me.

Nobody has to tell their partner things from their past unless it affects their partner directly.

MaltyChrome · 26/02/2022 07:53

@Aquamarine1029

How do you think this particular conversation would just come up? Asking if someone has changed their name isn't a common line of questioning. This is something you would need to disclose.

I agree. There are so many things that just don't come up in normal day to day conversation.

Hshuznw · 26/02/2022 07:53

I changed my surname by deedpoll and it doesn't cross my mind to tell anyone unless they ask me outright

I get that, but two things. Firstly, how often does anyone ask anyone if they’ve changed their name? It’s not something that simply comes up in conversation. And second, your partner isn’t exactly Joe Bloggs in the office!

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 26/02/2022 07:56

If you'd been together 10 years I'd have some sympathy for her but after a year? Not so much. It's very early days and you both still have a lot to learn about one another. To me this would be a (small) red flag making me wonder if maybe she has possessive or controlling tendencies.

MargosKaftan · 26/02/2022 07:57

A name change doesn't normally happen just because you don't like your name - lots of adults don't like their name and go by a middle name, but keep their original name. A name change feels like deliberately trying to break from your past, many people Google someone they have started dating to see what pops up, it looks like you have something in your past you are trying to hide. To change first and surname is a bigger deal.

It is something you should have mentioned, why would she think to ask? Its a very usual thing to do.

Do your family and old friends use your new name? She might feel a little embarrassed she's been round them who all knew and she didn't.

EssexLioness · 26/02/2022 07:59

@NativityDreaming

I would be suspicious of a name change, thinking my partner had done it to hide their past, to make it more difficult for anyone to find out anything about them (domestic abuse, past convictions, etc.)

This would be my concern too. The name change itself wouldn’t bother me but I would worry there was something more sinister you weren’t telling me.

Associatepeggy · 26/02/2022 08:00

You dont have to tell him. But, if he found out, it would be ok for him to be a bit shocked. He shouldn't be a dick about it. But being a bit shocked and wondering if you have kept anything else from him, is OK too.

Just like your feelings are valid, so is the other person's.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 26/02/2022 08:01

Don't be ridiculous! How would a complete change of name 'come up' in conversation? You're being very disingenuous. As you've shared lots of very personal stuff already I think it's odd that you've chosen not to tell her about your name change.

Ragwort · 26/02/2022 08:01

I think she's totally overreacted, why does it mean anything to her? It happened long before you met her.

For various reason I never use the name on my birth certificate. I don't feel the need to tell anyone about it and actually it's never been an issue when I need to provide 'documentation'. I certainly don't need to justify or explain to my DH - I would ask him if he enquired, but he never has. (Married 35 years!)

LubaLuca · 26/02/2022 08:01

Family circumstances and names are not uncommon topics of conversation when you're learning about each other, so perhaps she thinks it's odd that you didn't mention something really unusual and interesting about yourself. It's a bit cloak-and-dagger which makes it far more interesting/worrying than the reality of it.

lightisnotwhite · 26/02/2022 08:03

@DressingPafe

I’m amazed so many people think this is a big secret that needs to be disclosed.

I changed my name at 19. Tbh it’s no one’s business why. I am now 52 and over many years of dating/serious relationships, I’ve never told a partner. Because it would never occur to me to do so! Aren’t we allowed to keep anything to ourselves? Why should we have to share everything. It’s so far in the past for me I never think about it and I wouldn’t expect someone else to make a big deal out of it.

I do think being honest (vulnerable), open and authentic is a positive characteristic. I’m not saying you’re not “allowed” to keep secrets but there doesn’t seem any point in a close relationship. What difference would it make if you shared it. If you are worried about someone knowing something they probably aren’t the one. If you’ve done something terrible you need to leave in the past that’s understandable. But it’s also understandable that your partner will feel upset if they found out you’d keep it ( even if you feel like you don’t have much choice).

@Gensola The point isn’t about sharing your old name.
It’s about being able to share details in your life with someone. If someone stated they were trans, that’s a big shift identity so it wouldn’t be a surprise to find they had name changed.

RunningFromInsanity · 26/02/2022 08:05

If I was dating John Smith for a year and then he told me his name was actually Mark Hughes, I would wonder what ‘Mark’ did to make him hide.

WindsweptPidgeon · 26/02/2022 08:06

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I can see why she's upset.

If I found out someone was lying about their name I'd probably wonder what else they were hiding from me.

But she's not "lying" about her name, it's her legal name, that she's had for 10 years.

FitAt50 · 26/02/2022 08:06

@Arabellla

YANBU, it’s nothing to do with her.

Don’t run after her, she sounds a bit manipulative.

And you sound very judgemental and full of secrets. They have been together 8 YEARS and I would feel rather hurt if I discovered that my Partner of 8 YEARS hadn't told me they had created a totally new persona. I would wonder what else they hadn't told me.

MichelleScarn · 26/02/2022 08:07

@PaddlingLikeADuck

I know you keep saying you never told her as "it never came up" Well of course it didn't, it's not exactly something that she would ever think so it is something you need to specifically raise. If this was me I'd be very upset, and to be honest reconsidering the relationship.

Shit.

The responses on this thread baffle me.

Nobody has to tell their partner things from their past unless it affects their partner directly.

But they are nothing at all similar? What if op happens to work with someone who knew her dp from previous name and isn't aware of name change? "How long have you and Mimi been together?" "Who? That's Jane" "No definitely Mimi, went to school together for 15 years.. look here's photos" If you didn't know, you'd feel a bit, well wrong footed. I don't think anyones saying it's something the ops dp has to shout from the rooftops or launch into every conversation, just its something I'd expect to know because they'd share.

ImInStealthMode · 26/02/2022 08:12

I don't think it's a big deal OP.

My DP hasn't changed his name, but he goes by his middle name. I didn't know until we went on holiday together after a year and a half and he pointed it out in his passport.

His first name that nobody ever uses is the man I'll be marrying this year as the vows need to include official names. Doesn't change who he is though.

Butchyrestingface · 26/02/2022 08:16

If I found out someone was lying about their name I'd probably wonder what else they were hiding from me.

OP hasn't lied about anything. They told their new partner their legal name. . And they've only been together a year, not 20.

I do think OP is being a bit disingenuous to say they didn't tell the girlfriend because it "didn't come up" in conversation. Changing one's forename and surname by deed poll is still fairly uncommon so there would be no reason for it to come up unless the OP decided to disclose.

I think girlf is just a bit spooked and possibly worried in case there was a less benign reason for the change. Something that can seem not a big deal to some people (ie, a name change) might seem a huge thing to someone else.

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