DP upset about ‘secret’ name change

[HamstersAteMySandwich]

I’ve always disliked my first name as I felt it was too cutesy for me, and have never felt any connection to my last name as I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad. When I was 22, I decided to change my entire name (brand new first/middle name, made my last name-sounding middle name my last name) via deed poll. That was more than 10 years ago.

Today, DP and I were sorting out some documents and we stumbled upon my birth certificate. We talked about it, all was fine.

Just before bed she confessed that she felt like I had hid things from her, especially with my ‘made up’ last name (she had a brief interest in genealogy but back then she was merely doing her own family tree and it was early on in the relationship). It’s never been a secret it’s just something that hasn’t come up since the last time someone called me it was way back when I was in year 8 or so.

Am I in the wrong here? She doesn’t want to talk about this and has gone to bed but now I can’t sleep.

post edited to remove identifying details, as requested by the OP.

Pfft. Complete overreaction from your partner of 1 year.
She's got trust issues and worries about silly things. It's her problem, not yours.

Makes you wonder if she's the kind of person who'd put her partner's name in a "numerological compatibility calculator" or similar shite, for her to be so upset about a meaningless label (a rose, by any other name...)
Very rude of her to insinuate your current legal name is fake. It's just not your birth name. So what? You did nothing wrong.

OP I think you may have said the real former name in your post? You might want to ask MNHQ for that to be removed.

I've always been called by my middle name and never think about my first name other than in official forms. I think most of my friends don't know and my partner only knows because it came up. I'm not deliberately keeping it from people, I just don't think about it.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I can see why she's upset.

If I found out someone was lying about their name I'd probably wonder what else they were hiding from me.

There is no lie. OPs name is her legal name. She hasn't lied about anything.

I'm always wary of people who feel they'e entitled to every last scrap of you. Especially after such a short time.

Extracting a full data download with a can opener is not the same as the gradual sharing of oneself over decades as a relationship naturally deepens.

@MrsMingech

I changed my surname by deedpoll and it doesn't cross my mind to tell anyone unless they ask me outright. Years ago I used to know a guy who changed his name, his first name was terrible and his new name was great. I didn't find out until years later until someone else told me. People like to forget their old names for a reason and it's not always a dodgy reason.

True, name changing isn't always for a dodgy reason. Years ago a friend of mine was having no luck in his life at all with jobs and relationships and he started wondering if changing his name would make a difference. There was nothing wrong with his old name, it just didn't fit him somehow. We talked about it for a long time, I helped him choose a new name and he had it changed officially. After that, his life was transformed, he got a really good job and met the woman he's now been happy with for many years. It's weird, but sometimes stuff works out that way.

As for your partner, OP, I hope it's just a surprise to her and doesn't become a deal breaker.

Lots of judgey and entitled people on this thread. It’s a one year relationship. Nobody is owed information about someone’s previous name.

The correct response to that sort of information is surely “thanks for sharing that with me”.

You changed your name years ago, you’ve been together a year. This really isn’t a thing, she’s massively overreacting.

The common thread going through this seems to be that lots of people feel that there has to be some 'lie' or devious reason for a name change. It seems to be 'well what are you hiding?'. It's not that though is it? Sometimes a person just doesn't like their name, so why not change it to something you like. If it's vaguely embarrassing then change it to something that's not. Perhaps people need to get away from the idea that fraud is being committed. BTW, your 'real' name is the one you use, isn't it?

@Gensola

I’m going to go against the grain here and say it’s not a big deal whatsoever. It’s not your name anymore, why does she need to know? Lots of the comments on here are transphobic (I’m assuming unintentionally) - I work with a lot of trans folks and it’s not on to question their previous name - it’s a dead name and it gets left in the past. They don’t go around saying I’m John but I was born Kirstie or whatever - why should OP.

What? There is literally nothing transphobic in these posts.

Nobody has to tell their partner things from their past unless it affects their partner directly.

Exactly. I'm astonished that so many people on this thread seem to take this kind of thing personally. That somehow they're entitled to know absolutely everything about a partner of a year, and have s right to be offended if they've not begun told something.

I was married to my late DH for 35 years and we were extremely happy. He was the kindest of men. But he didn't know every detail of my life before I met him and I imagine that there were things I didn't know about his.

A name change would obviously come up over 35 years, because forms get filled in that need any former names entered, or items from childhood would be fine with the old name on. But it wouldn't occur to me to be offended if I didn't know about it until that point.

I'd be more concerned by a partner showing such entitlement to knowing every detail of my life.

How can you be together a year and never stumble across the whole name change thing? I’m not surprised she’s a bit stunned.

Fine= found

Personally I’d find it odd that you hadn’t mentioned it, but I wouldn’t get upset about it. I’d be curious about why you chose the name you did but that’s all.

@Fitat50 read the OP again, they've only been together one year. The OP officially changed her name 8 years ago, but it sounds like she's been using it for much longer. So all her childhood friends would know her as her new name. She hasn't tried to deceive anyone, she just doesn't want to remember the associations with her old name.

I think it’s quite a big thing to discover your partner has a whole different name, and surprised it’s never come up in conversation before, especially when talking about your childhood etc.

@DressingPafe

I’m amazed so many people think this is a big secret that needs to be disclosed.

I changed my name at 19. Tbh it’s no one’s business why. I am now 52 and over many years of dating/serious relationships, I’ve never told a partner. Because it would never occur to me to do so! Aren’t we allowed to keep anything to ourselves? Why should we have to share everything. It’s so far in the past for me I never think about it and I wouldn’t expect someone else to make a big deal out of it.

Totally agree with this.

They are being ott. I assume it would have been mentioned if the topic came up (Ie they saw your dads name was different or your mums (though even that isn't unusual these days)

I'd say drama lama type.

Are you married? She might feel like shes given up a last name with history for a name without one.

Yanbu but I can see why she's a bit discombobulated

I found out recently my two closest aunts are not Kath & Kim as I had thought my entire life but were legally for many years mary- kate & Ashley

Logically I know a. it has nothing to do with me and b. Doesn't change my relationship with them.
If you'd have asked in the abstract/hypothetically I'd say WHO CARES??? And not see it as a big deal BUT...
in reality I was surprisingly thrown by and bothered by this.. I had to check myself a bit and challenge my feelings.

Give her a bit of time and talk calmly about it more...

• names changed to protect the innocent

Has your partner not met your Mum?

I'm guessing she might be wondering if there are more sinister reasons for you changing your name rather than it being because you didn't like it? If you've only been together a year then there's a lot you still don't know about each other, so I don't think either of you is being particularly unreasonable- I can see from your point of view it never came up/wasn't relevant and from her point of view she might be wondering what else you are hiding..

It isn’t a big deal at all but you’ve made it into a bigger deal by not saying anything.
Usually it would come up in a normal getting to know you, confiding personal details, type, conversation fairly early in the relationship. It certainly did with my ex and thus it’s never been a big deal.

@HaveringWavering

Has your partner not met your Mum?

I was thinking exactly this - how has it stayed so secret - and that would make me wonder if there was more you were hiding. I have three versions of my name - my actual name which my mother uses, a nickname derived from it which family and close friends use and an anglicised version which was used at school and is how colleagues know me. None of this is a secret but sometimes people do a bit of a double take the first time they realise. Think Lenore, Nora, Eleanor to get the idea. Worth talking it through with your partner as reassurance?

It’s not as bad as my mum finding out her ‘real’ name was something different to what she was something completely different when she was 15. Apparently she had an official name and an everyday name , not a nickname say, from Elizabeth to Betty. Then I didn’t find out what her real name was until I was in my 30s when I saw her driving license up by mistake!
We’re a family full of secrets though 😂