Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DP upset about ‘secret’ name change

254 replies

HamstersAteMySandwich · 26/02/2022 01:24

I’ve always disliked my first name as I felt it was too cutesy for me, and have never felt any connection to my last name as I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad. When I was 22, I decided to change my entire name (brand new first/middle name, made my last name-sounding middle name my last name) via deed poll. That was more than 10 years ago.

Today, DP and I were sorting out some documents and we stumbled upon my birth certificate. We talked about it, all was fine.

Just before bed she confessed that she felt like I had hid things from her, especially with my ‘made up’ last name (she had a brief interest in genealogy but back then she was merely doing her own family tree and it was early on in the relationship). It’s never been a secret it’s just something that hasn’t come up since the last time someone called me it was way back when I was in year 8 or so.

Am I in the wrong here? She doesn’t want to talk about this and has gone to bed but now I can’t sleep.

post edited to remove identifying details, as requested by the OP.

OP posts:
Associatepeggy · 26/02/2022 10:44

@Electriq

You had an identity you didn't like, you changed ypur identity, the whole point of that is to remove your old identity, so i dont understand the 'oh hi im A but I used to be called B' I couldn't be upset about this either.
That's not what the partner expected though. Wether you agree with the dp or not, you can see a difference between telling something to a girlfriend and just telling everyone you ever meet upon first meeting them.
Dixiechickonhols · 26/02/2022 10:45

I think it’s quite a big detail about you. You are perhaps still viewing you as newly dating so not sharing yet which is fine but they thought you were more involved than that. A year is still very early days. I’d speak about it and expectations going forwards.

grapewine · 26/02/2022 10:46

It has literally nothing to do with her. If someone I had known a year had a strop over this - which has zero impact on them - I'd tell them to get over themselves fast.

Sswhinesthebest · 26/02/2022 10:51

@Dixiechickonhols

I think it’s quite a big detail about you. You are perhaps still viewing you as newly dating so not sharing yet which is fine but they thought you were more involved than that. A year is still very early days. I’d speak about it and expectations going forwards.
I think this is a good point. If I thought the relationship was serious, it is a bit if a realisation that it isn’t as serious as they thought if they didn’t know something as basic as that. I would immediately think I didn’t know you very well at all.
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/02/2022 10:53

@grapewine

It has literally nothing to do with her. If someone I had known a year had a strop over this - which has zero impact on them - I'd tell them to get over themselves fast.
She hasn't had a strop - she's just upset, which I think is perfectly understandable.
Darkstar4855 · 26/02/2022 10:55

My partner changed his surname when he was in his teens. I think it naturally came up in conversation but I wouldn’t have been upset if he hadn’t told me, as long as he wasn’t deliberately hiding it.

affairsofdragons · 26/02/2022 11:04

@Alfixn

That is a big thing to have never told a partner tbh - it's the kind of thing that should be disclosed during the getting to know you phase of a relationship, surely? How long are you together?
Completely disagree.

People change their names for all kinds of reasons, including domestic violence, fleeing unhappy childhood homes, etc. It's no one's business unless they decide to share.

Sh05 · 26/02/2022 11:12

It's an interesting conversation to have but not something to make an issue out of.
I suppose to some people changing their name might be super significant if there was bad history connected to the previous name but in your case it's not that so to you there was no big deal.
Maybe just have a sit down and talk it out, explain your reasoning behind the name change as you have here. It shouldn't be such a big deal if it's not connected to anything bad.

Flipflopfoodle · 26/02/2022 12:15

My sister's name is completely different to her birth name, changed at 18. I don't think she ever told a partner and I'm fairly sure my kids don't know and they are late teens. To me it's irrelevant, they weren't born when she had a different name and none of her partner's were with her when she had her original name. I'm actually astounded that people seem to think it's an obvious issue.

Louisianagumbo · 26/02/2022 12:21

It would be a big detail to me. If you'd discussed your and your father's relationship, I'd think it would be natural to say you'd changed your name over it. For me it's quite an important thing about you and I'd be wondering what else you thought was unimportant and hadn't told me.

Rewis · 26/02/2022 12:27

I don't think anybody is in the wrong. Sounds like she learned something new about you. Thought about it and communicated that wanted to sleep on it. Doesn't sound like there was a huge blowout. You don't think this is a big deal and didn't think it's something to share. She thought it was something you should have.
If you're both reasonable people you'll talk put your povs and you'll assure her that there was no intention to hide anything and there is nothing else "basic" about you she doesn't know.

WildPoinsettia · 26/02/2022 12:47

@zingally

I have FEELINGS about this.

My first serious relation was with a guy (name changed), who I knew as Christian Sunfeld. It was only after we'd be dating the better part of a year, and things were getting serious, I actually discovered his REAL name was Christopher Banfield. He'd never had it legally changed, he just went by this whole pseudonym. He tried to explain to me why, but his reasoning never quite stacked up for me.
Granted, I was only 21 at the time, but it really shook me up, and it was the beginning of the end.

So many posters saying things like this but it's totally different. You're talking about someone using an alias. OP is using their actual name. Its their actual name because its been legally changed.

As for "has partner never met their mum" Confused I know four people who changed their name, the two where I also know their families both mother's (and everyone else) use their new chosen name. It would be really disrespectful to continue to call someone by a name they've left behind.

And all the people saying "well it'd never come up naturally it's a big secret OP is hiding", have you read the thread? It has come up naturally, after a year and there's been no 'hiding'.

needanewplannow · 26/02/2022 13:26

[quote HamstersAteMySandwich]@YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet Oh drats, could you please redact my name in my OP? Thanks![/quote]
If you want Mumsnet to change a post for you, the best thing to do is report your own post and explain in the report, that will get their attention the quickest.

OhLordyWhatNow · 26/02/2022 14:08

@needanewplannow

RTFT.

Mumsnet contacted the OP to ask if they would like reference to the old name taken out of initial post.

What you have quoted is the OP's reply to that message confirming that, yes, they did want it removed.

OhLordyWhatNow · 26/02/2022 14:18

And to all the people clutching their pearls about witness protection and domestic violence, surely that would be the biggest reason to not tell someone about a name change? I despair at some peoples lack of critical thinking sometimes.

Those who are concerned about sex offenders are surely aware that they are on a register and would have to notify the police/ probation service about any changes. Those changes would be recorded and accessed for any DBS checks, etc.

A deed poll name change would recorded as new legal name on lots of different government databases, but the history is kept not deleted. You would be surprised what data is associated with you National Insurance number which is used by your employer, HMRC, DWP, etc. Your NHS number will also have a full record of all names you have used, and previous addresses associated with it.

IsadoraQuagmire · 26/02/2022 14:40

I'm astonished by this overreaction. Lots of people change their names, just because they want to, and it's nobody else's business.
Actually my best friend changed his name before I met him; first, middle and surname. I don't know why he told me this, it's completely irrelevant as all that matters is his current name.

IWillBeSeeingYou · 26/02/2022 14:50

You’re dp is being weird. I also changed my first name in my late 20s (mid 30s now) I never mention it to anyone, there is no reason to although my old name is listed a footnote on my new birth certificate. My old name is on my children’s birth certificates which can’t be changed but that’s the only time I need to mention it for official reasons.

blanketyblanked · 26/02/2022 15:15

It would make me wonder were you living a secret life, had committed a crime in the media, needed to run away from some sort of trouble. It's kinda a.big deal.

OhLordyWhatNow · 26/02/2022 15:19

@blanketyblanked

It would make me wonder were you living a secret life, had committed a crime in the media, needed to run away from some sort of trouble. It's kinda a.big deal.

FFS.

The DP has met the OP's mother, they're not trying to hide anything.

Wannakisstheteacher · 26/02/2022 15:21

The first name wouldn’t bother me at all. The last name wouldn’t bother me as long as it was clear there was no expectation of children being called it. I couldn’t imagine my children having a ‘made up’ last name. Yes, I know all names are made up, but I can trace my name back hundreds of years and I’d hate for my children to just have a deed poll name that has no connection to anything.

MargosKaftan · 26/02/2022 15:21

I dont think you could say its come up naturally- the DP found a birth certificate for someone who's name they didn't recognise and the OP told them when they no longer had a chance to hide it.

Given the OP is known by their family and old friends by a 3rd name, if I was in the DPs shoes, that might feel a bit off. Not enough to end a relationship, but question what else won't their DP volunteer information about until directly asked after evidence has been found.

I'm sure the op is genuine this is all innocent, it looks dodgy.

Eucalyptusbee · 26/02/2022 15:24

I would have expected my partner to disclose something like this and the fact that you haven't would leave me feeling uneasy and wondering if I really know you at all. What else haven't you thought to mention??...?

Adeleskirts · 26/02/2022 15:27

I’m afraid I’m with your partner. If I found out my partner had completely changed their name Inc their surname, and never mentioned it, I’d be very shocked and dismayed also, it’s a major major thing to do and I’d be concerned they were hiding something about their past.

ancientgran · 26/02/2022 15:28

@Aquamarine1029

How do you think this particular conversation would just come up? Asking if someone has changed their name isn't a common line of questioning. This is something you would need to disclose.
Why would you need to disclose it? It isn't like she has a criminal record or was found in a box outside the co-op, nothing dodgy nothing of great interest, it isn't a big deal.
Adeleskirts · 26/02/2022 15:29

The DP has met the OP's mother, they're not trying to hide anything.

What an odd thing to write. Meeting their mother doesn’t mean the op doesn’t have something to hide and the mother isn’t fully aware of it.