DP upset about ‘secret’ name change

[HamstersAteMySandwich]

I’ve always disliked my first name as I felt it was too cutesy for me, and have never felt any connection to my last name as I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad. When I was 22, I decided to change my entire name (brand new first/middle name, made my last name-sounding middle name my last name) via deed poll. That was more than 10 years ago.

Today, DP and I were sorting out some documents and we stumbled upon my birth certificate. We talked about it, all was fine.

Just before bed she confessed that she felt like I had hid things from her, especially with my ‘made up’ last name (she had a brief interest in genealogy but back then she was merely doing her own family tree and it was early on in the relationship). It’s never been a secret it’s just something that hasn’t come up since the last time someone called me it was way back when I was in year 8 or so.

Am I in the wrong here? She doesn’t want to talk about this and has gone to bed but now I can’t sleep.

post edited to remove identifying details, as requested by the OP.

@HamstersAteMySandwich

We’ve been together for a bit more than a year. We’ve talked about our childhoods and she knows about all the ridiculous things I did during my school days and my relationship story with my dad etc but just never had the name conversation as it never came up.

This was exactly when it should have come up. You’re definitely being obtuse to suggest otherwise and I’d be worried what else you were omitting to tell me since it “didn’t come up”.

I was quite old when I found out both my great Auntie and my Nana (the same name) actually both were using their middle names as they didn't like their first names. A bit oh ok, but no further explanation needed. It just never really came up.
A bit miffed though when I found out quite old that my grandad's (and therefore my) surname was the surname of his stepdad. But again why would it have come up until I was looking into family history.
I think your partner is overreacting a little but it'd be good to speak to them to see where they're coming from.

If the change of the name has happened because of some significant relevant event I could understand her reaction more. But given that it was well before you met, you've been using your legal name now for long enough that you probably hardly ever think about it and it is for nothing that affects her or the basis for your relationship I think she is overreacting.
You've changed your name because it didn't suit you and you were happy to lose the association with your dad, it would be ridiculous that you should declare your old name early in the relatively just to satisfy her pertained outlook that names are really important. Not everyone feels that way, and if you had to flag it up early in any significant relationship you'd be dragging that name around with you through your life like a ball and chain which entirely defeats the purpose of having (perfectly legally and a very long time ago and not for any sinister reason) changed it.
So she needs to listen to your point of view and calm down.
If you'd changed it recently and for some reason that mattered like disassociating from a crime you'd committed or professional malpractice or whatever it would be different.

I would be suspicious of a name change, thinking my partner had done it to hide their past, to make it more difficult for anyone to find out anything about them (domestic abuse, past convictions, etc.)

She’s totally overreacting.

You legally changed your name over a decade ago - what’s the big deal?

If my DH told me something like that I’d be fascinated but certainly not hurt and certainly not feel like I’d been lied to about something important.

It’s not as though she’s just found out you’ve got two children that she didn’t know about.

She sounds a bit controlling/manipulative to by making this into a big deal when it’s something you did a decade before you even met her and something that has absolutely no bearing on her or your relationship at all.

I think you should have told her in the childhood chat stage. But it wouldn't bother me a year in that I hadn't been told. 2 years I would expect to know by then..not sure why.

Why are people assuming she kicked off and needs to calm down.

She feels unhappy about spending and communicated it. Isn't that what people do in a relationship. Even if they are a bit daft to feel the way they do, or realise that later I don't think she has done anything wrong.

Especially, enough to be called manipulative and controlling.

I can see why she's upset.

If I found out someone was lying about their name I'd probably wonder what else they were hiding from me.

I'm in the camp that you should have told her because it would and has come out . When talking about your dad would have been an ideal time to have explained things .

If I was the partner I'd be hurt you didn't share the information, what else ' big ' may come out and also if your name was ' changed ' not because of your dad but something else you're running / hiding from .

IME honesty and openness are always best in a relationship.

Some people are really into geneology and some people couldn't give 2 figs about their family tree. Some adopted people are desperate to find their birth parents some have no interest at all. For the former kind of person this sort of thing would be a deep thing, for the latter, no biggy.
Suspect she's the former which is fine but she has to accept the are other people in the world with entirely different outlook. If she can't accept that then she's going to be hard work in all sorts of ways.
Hopefully you'll be able to talk to her and she will stop being shocked. Fwiw it wouldn't bother me at all. I'd be surprised (it's unusual) curious, but not angry. How can you be angry if someone wanted to leave their old name behind and did, a long time ago. It's not personal and isn't for a bad reason. Declaring your old name wouldn't be leaving it behind would it. Your name isn't always crucial to your identity, maybe it is for her but it isn't for everyone so she needs to accept people are different.
Hopefully she'll get there, but if not I'd be questioning if she was right for me.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say it’s not a big deal whatsoever. It’s not your name anymore, why does she need to know? Lots of the comments on here are transphobic (I’m assuming unintentionally) - I work with a lot of trans folks and it’s not on to question their previous name - it’s a dead name and it gets left in the past. They don’t go around saying I’m John but I was born Kirstie or whatever - why should OP.

You don't really get to leave your old name behind though.

There's plenty of times you would need to refer ro it or show documents to prove you changed your name.

Like when you get married. You are asked if you have ever gone by another name.

I was all ready to say you were unreasonable until you said you've only been together just over a year. There wouldn't have been much point changing your name if you had to announce your old name to everyone you meet.

It does feel a bit odd to me that you discussed all the things that contributed to you changing your name but didn't go so far as to tell her you changed your name. But that's perhaps because I haven't changed my name and can't really get my head around having a new name and not feeling like my old name is still part of me. I mean I still feel the need to tell everyone what my name was before marriage 😂 I think, as others have said, names are such an important part of our identity.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. It's good she's told you how she's feeling about it. She's just processing I guess, see how she is today and if it needs further discussion then just tell her why you didn't feel it was an important thing to tell her, but try to understand where she's coming from as well.

You've not lied, there's no big secret. You've used your legal name.

How is she to know that there’s no big secret though?
You could have been married before, witness protection or on the run.
You’ve missed out a big chunk of background as to why you don’t share the same surname as your family and potentially people call you Mimi.

I do get that for you the name change is done and dusted. But if a name upset you enough to do something about it, you should be able to understand why other people think it significant.

This is something that happened over 10 years ago. Presumably you haven’t really thought about it since then. It’s not like you were trying to hide it. It has now naturally come up and you have explained. Can’t see the problem.

@Gensola

I’m going to go against the grain here and say it’s not a big deal whatsoever. It’s not your name anymore, why does she need to know? Lots of the comments on here are transphobic (I’m assuming unintentionally) - I work with a lot of trans folks and it’s not on to question their previous name - it’s a dead name and it gets left in the past. They don’t go around saying I’m John but I was born Kirstie or whatever - why should OP.

No one is talking about trans people, so why bring this into it? If you know someone is trans, you wouldn't ask them. And it would be obvious why they have.

And the ops partner has not expected them to go round telling everyone. They expected that they would be told. That's all

@Associatepeggy there aren’t “plenty” of times - once you change your name legally with all relevant bodies then it IS your name and the example you give of getting married is possibly the only one of ongoing need to show a previous name. Or a DBS check form for clearance to work with children, but it won’t be all the time, any ID checks etc will be based on new ID. I have changed my name twice - once by marriage and then once by deedpoll. My former names aren’t a secret but they’re not my names any more so I wouldn’t necessarily think they were relevant!
OP has the right to leave her old name in the past just like anyone else.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. It's good she's told you how she's feeling about it. She's just processing I guess, see how she is today and if it needs further discussion then just tell her why you didn't feel it was an important thing to tell her, but try to understand where she's coming from as well.

This^

@Associatepeggy that is ridiculously transphobic - you wouldn’t necessarily know they were trans at all - why are you assuming it’s visibly obvious? I’m bringing trans people into it because they often face the kind of mindless, narrow-minded suspicion about changing their name as OP has. They also face the same stupid tendency of people to ask things like “what is your real name” or “what was your birth name” as if anyone has the right to that information. No one has the right to someone’s dead name.

[quote Gensola]@Associatepeggy there aren’t “plenty” of times - once you change your name legally with all relevant bodies then it IS your name and the example you give of getting married is possibly the only one of ongoing need to show a previous name. Or a DBS check form for clearance to work with children, but it won’t be all the time, any ID checks etc will be based on new ID. I have changed my name twice - once by marriage and then once by deedpoll. My former names aren’t a secret but they’re not my names any more so I wouldn’t necessarily think they were relevant!
OP has the right to leave her old name in the past just like anyone else.[/quote]
You proved my point. You don't get to leave it behind. It's not like your old name never existed.

I have changed my surname. It dpes come up, even if it's occasionally. So it's not entirely leaving it behind.

That's my point. Sometimes it does come up. So not left behind completely.

It’s no body else’s business. You don’t go round telling everyone your medical history so why would you tell this if you don’t want to.
It’s not you that’s got the problem.

Lots of the comments on here are transphobic (I’m assuming unintentionally) - I work with a lot of trans folks and it’s not on to question their previous name - it’s a dead name and it gets left in the past. They don’t go around saying I’m John but I was born Kirstie or whatever - why should OP.

god, has to be shoehorned into everything doesn’t it?

If op is actually secretly trans and this came as a shock to the partner (maybe if she doesn’t have ears or eyes) then I think her feelings of betrayal would be completely justified!

As it is op, she may be worrying (I certainly would, but then I have had abusive past relationships) whether or not the name change was to ‘hide’ something.

And while I agree that you shouldn’t have to go explaining you name change to just about everyone you meet, she is probably feeling hurt that you didn’t count her as someone who you would confide that intimate knowledge with after a year.

I’m amazed so many people think this is a big secret that needs to be disclosed.

I changed my name at 19. Tbh it’s no one’s business why. I am now 52 and over many years of dating/serious relationships, I’ve never told a partner. Because it would never occur to me to do so! Aren’t we allowed to keep anything to ourselves? Why should we have to share everything. It’s so far in the past for me I never think about it and I wouldn’t expect someone else to make a big deal out of it.

[quote Gensola]@Associatepeggy that is ridiculously transphobic - you wouldn’t necessarily know they were trans at all - why are you assuming it’s visibly obvious? I’m bringing trans people into it because they often face the kind of mindless, narrow-minded suspicion about changing their name as OP has. They also face the same stupid tendency of people to ask things like “what is your real name” or “what was your birth name” as if anyone has the right to that information. No one has the right to someone’s dead name.[/quote]
The op, surely, knows her partner isn't trans though.

In the situations I am asked it's clearly still female names.

You say you work with loads of trans people, so you know they are trans. Why would you ask?

If you know they are trans you wouldn't ask. If you don't know they were trans, why would you ask if they have changed their name. How would you ever find out they had?

No, you are bringing trans into, as a pointless derail.

They are not transphobic at all. No, you wouldn’t expect someone who has transitioned to explain their old name was something different but you would assume, should someone who has transitioned get into a serious relationship they would discuss they very important & relevant part of their story with the person they love.

Same here really. She isn’t upset about the name change. She’s upset a quite important part of your life story hasn’t been chatted about. If you’ve talked about childhood & your dad, that strikes me as very relevant time to mention it..

By a year, I’m not sure there was much my husband didn’t know about my past life. I guess not every detail but the big stuff, for sure.