To think this is a fair allocation of bedrooms?

[Wintersbone]

We have just moved into our new house. We very purposefully bought a 5 bed so each of the kids DSS (19), DSD (16), DS (12) and DD (7) could each have their own room. Two of the kids bedrooms are slightly larger in area than the other two. I had planned to give the smaller two bedrooms to the stepkids on the premise that they aren't here as much but DSD is quite upset. She ran through the house and declared a bedroom "hers". She's fairly upset at not being given that bedroom and now the younger two are offering to give up theirs which is very sweet but feels wrong. Am I being a cow here?

Honestly if your kids are offering I'd step back and let them sort it themselves

Did you discuss with your husband/partner before letting kids in?

It’s perfectly reasonable for the people who live there full time to have the biggest rooms. Presumably DSS and DSD only have half of their possessions at your house, if that.

If the younger DC don't care then I would just let her have the bigger room but make it clear that rooms are not being permanently allocated so you can swap rooms at some point in future if circumstances change and DSD is spending less time at your house

Does she usually expect to get the best of everything?

She’s 16. She’s old enough to know that you can’t bagsy a bedroom!

As a step daughter I think what you've proposed is fair. Also if I'd declared my own room like that my parents probably would have made me have the smallest for daring to be so rude. Actually they definitely would have done!

It sounds like there might be bigger sensitivities at play though? Is she feeling insecure because 4 of you will be living in a home that she doesn't feel so part of?

What does your dp think?

Your children are being v sweet.

Did you really not discuss it beforehand as (a) a couple, and (b) as a family?

It's not as if you buy a house overnight.

How often are they there?

I think I’d have sorted this with DH already!

IMO those who live there permanently should have the bigger rooms. I assume the says also have a bedroom at the resident parents house?

Write 1-4 on pieces of paper. Each draw one. Choose rooms in that order.

Are the rooms genuinely equal? All fit same size bed, same floor, no ensuites etc?

Sometimes a smaller room can be nicer because of the layout or the window or the roof or it's nearest to Mum. Biggest isn't necessarily better.

Does she have a habit of causing a bit of a scene and the younger ones give in? Or is this a one off?

@hugr

Honestly if your kids are offering I'd step back and let them sort it themselves

This. Why create a drama for the sake of it?

I think its unlikely that YABU but how often are they with you?

Wrong ! DS 6 has a bigger bedroom than DS 10 as the ceiling is higher . It’s up to the parents to decide

I'd go against the grain and say that as a 16 year old she has more need for a larger room than, say, a 7 year old. She's more likely to want some privacy and personal space, isn't she? I remember feeling very protective of my room at 16.

Presumably when she is at your house you want her to feel at home?

She’s 16 and not there full time, are your kids used to having to give up things for her to keep the peace?

Even if she wasn’t a step-child she shouldn’t be able to ‘bagsy’ a room. Rooms are allocated by the owner of the house E.g you and DH. The kids like it or lump it.

I'd go against the grain and say that as a 16 year old she has more need for a larger room than, say, a 7 year old. She's more likely to want some privacy and personal space, isn't she?

Privacy and personal space come with any size room and I’d argue that a 7 year old who lives there full time will have more clothes and toys and use the space more than a 16 year old who isn’t there full time.

DSD is lovely and I care for her very much. She is with us EOW and 1/2 holidays. The two slightly bigger bedrooms both have en suites. The smaller two share a jack and Jill with two sinks and one shower. DSS is at uni and realistically his room will double as a guest room. I originally thought I would just let DD swap with DSD but then sometimes DH's friends will stay (not that they aren't lovely!) but then they would be sharing a bathroom with DD which makes me a bit uneasy. DSD is old enough to lock the joining door when she's in there and then unlock it when she leaves.

I’d let the older children have the bigger rooms. Tell them it’s until they go to uni/leave home?

Are they significantly bigger?

I think the step kids don’t get the biggest rooms if they’re only weekend visitors. How often does the stepdaughter stay with you?

I never had my own room at my dads, neither did my brother. We had to take turns each to visit as his “new” kids got the 2 rooms. the youngest would bunk in with his brother until his mum felt they were too old and we had to stop staying over.

Write 1-4 on pieces of paper. Each draw one. Choose rooms in that order.

Yup.

Neither you nor DSD should be allocating rooms unilaterally. All the DC are old enough for an equal vote.

@sofakingcool

Does she have a habit of causing a bit of a scene and the younger ones give in? Or is this a one off?

This is important. You don't want to raise mugs because they will repeat that pattern.

Their needs and wants are important too.