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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a fair allocation of bedrooms?

217 replies

Wintersbone · 13/02/2022 22:09

We have just moved into our new house. We very purposefully bought a 5 bed so each of the kids DSS (19), DSD (16), DS (12) and DD (7) could each have their own room. Two of the kids bedrooms are slightly larger in area than the other two. I had planned to give the smaller two bedrooms to the stepkids on the premise that they aren't here as much but DSD is quite upset. She ran through the house and declared a bedroom "hers". She's fairly upset at not being given that bedroom and now the younger two are offering to give up theirs which is very sweet but feels wrong. Am I being a cow here?

OP posts:
Cascais · 13/02/2022 23:20

Yes

22Newnames · 13/02/2022 23:21

@purpleroses100

The step kids are older and have a whole other house that they spend the majority of their life at. Your kids spend most of their time in the their house - they should get the bigger rooms. Why buy a house for the bigger rooms just to be empty? At least they are getting their own rooms! Of course she would want to bags her favourite room but she didn't buy the house! She lives there 4 days a month and half the holidays! 19 year old will likely not be there much either. The younger kids shouldn't be trying to keep the peace - bless them. They will appreciate the space more they just don't realise it now!

Stand your ground!

Exactly
ancientgran · 13/02/2022 23:21

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Girls ensuite although I don't really think a 7 year old needs one, and the boys can share.
Why? I don't understand why girls automatically have more right to an ensuite.
TatianaBis · 13/02/2022 23:23

I think you have it right OP. The resident kids get the biggest rooms, because the SKs are there only part of the time and get their pick of bedrooms in their own house.

Mellowyellow222 · 13/02/2022 23:24

I’m not sure what is the best answer here.

But, regardless of how many nights she stays, a 16 year old behaving like that would have been told to grow up in my family!! She would now be in the smallest room for being so selfish!

Yes of course she should have a proper bedroom at her dads - but it doesn’t have to be the biggest/

Does she see her dad enough? Every other weekend isn’t much

Kpo58 · 13/02/2022 23:24

I would give DSS a room with an en suite so that visitors don't need to share with your other children.

Original poster
Wintersbone · 13/02/2022 23:26

One additional factor is that DS has autism and is strongly like him in the bedroom closest to us which is one of the en-suites. He could give a stuff about the en-suite but he does have an enormous amount of Lego and stuff that needs keeping just so. I won't move DS into one of the jack and jill bathroom bedrooms for that reason. As her brother is at uni DSD will have the ensuite jack and hill to herself 99% of the time unless we have guests. It's also the biggest of the bathrooms. No family bathroom. 5 beds with 4 bathrooms and a w/c downstairs.

DH is father to all 4 kids. The elder two have their own big bedrooms at their mothers house and share a bathroom there (mum has an ensuite).

I was the stepkid who didn't have a room at her father's house at all while my step siblings had lovely big rooms. Because of this I suppose I'm quite sensitive to not making DSD feel put out.

OP posts:
MusicByTheLake · 13/02/2022 23:27

Why? I don't understand why girls automatically have more right to an ensuite.

I don’t like that either. A pp was very stereotypical, something about girls needing face masks, long showers and make up. 😬

FantasticFebruary · 13/02/2022 23:28

DSS19 - en suite room on the understanding that as he's off at Uni it needs to be left tidy for visitors.

DSD16 -en-suite room. teenage girls, better to be able to wallow without affecting others.

Younger 2 sharing Jack n Jill rooms,

Depending on how much you mind cleaning bathrooms one of the younger two could use the en-suite of DSS's room when no one is using the room.

All on the understanding that YOU & DH, may swap them around depending on how things go.

TatianaBis · 13/02/2022 23:28

DSD is still getting a bathroom almost to herself as her brother will be of fat uni. She's not having to share a family bathroom.

Susu49 · 13/02/2022 23:29

@Wintersbone

One additional factor is that DS has autism and is strongly like him in the bedroom closest to us which is one of the en-suites. He could give a stuff about the en-suite but he does have an enormous amount of Lego and stuff that needs keeping just so. I won't move DS into one of the jack and jill bathroom bedrooms for that reason. As her brother is at uni DSD will have the ensuite jack and hill to herself 99% of the time unless we have guests. It's also the biggest of the bathrooms. No family bathroom. 5 beds with 4 bathrooms and a w/c downstairs.

DH is father to all 4 kids. The elder two have their own big bedrooms at their mothers house and share a bathroom there (mum has an ensuite).

I was the stepkid who didn't have a room at her father's house at all while my step siblings had lovely big rooms. Because of this I suppose I'm quite sensitive to not making DSD feel put out.

Personally I think your solution is the best one and you seem like a really lovely step mother.

Interested as to what your dh thinks about all this though.

MusicByTheLake · 13/02/2022 23:29

What is the size difference between the bedrooms?

22Newnames · 13/02/2022 23:29

I think your update solidifies your original decision OP.

ancientgran · 13/02/2022 23:30

@BrieAndChilli

I know it’s ‘sexist’ but I think girls get more benefit from an en-suite than boys do. In my general experience boys have a quick shower, shave if old enough and use the loo. Girls take loooong showers, wash hair with more eg conditioner, shave legs, do face masks, make up etc and the main one for me for teen girls is periods. Much nicer for her to be able to have her own loo to sort herself out and have things around.

I agree - give the girls the ensuites and the boys can share the other one.

Well yes it is sexist. Not my experience anyway, my sons and GS have the longest showers.

You do realise that some girls (and women) don't shave their legs? Some boys have skin care routines, thinking of one of mine who had terrible acne and his skin care took longer than any girl I've ever known.

No one needs their own exclusive bathroom because they have periods. Imagine if people said boys need their own bathroom so they can have their shaving gear around them.

However it is done it shouldn't be that one sex is somehow more entitled, terrible precedent to set.

Lockdownbear · 13/02/2022 23:30

I hope you have a cleaner that sounds like a load of bathrooms too keep on top of.

Do any of the bedrooms have a bath? Might be better for the 7 yo to have it rather than having to go through a bedrooms to get the bath. 7 yos can be mucky creatures that need help washing.

OrangeShark27 · 13/02/2022 23:31

Honestly as the DD is 16 I'd let her have an en suite until she goes off to uni, then a younger child can take over that room.

I know that step children don't live with you all the time but I would say its their house as much as your DCs, and normal bedroom allocation rules should apply. It seems a bit harsh to not give a 16yo one of the en suite rooms if you have two at least for now.

ancientgran · 13/02/2022 23:32

@Wintersbone

One additional factor is that DS has autism and is strongly like him in the bedroom closest to us which is one of the en-suites. He could give a stuff about the en-suite but he does have an enormous amount of Lego and stuff that needs keeping just so. I won't move DS into one of the jack and jill bathroom bedrooms for that reason. As her brother is at uni DSD will have the ensuite jack and hill to herself 99% of the time unless we have guests. It's also the biggest of the bathrooms. No family bathroom. 5 beds with 4 bathrooms and a w/c downstairs.

DH is father to all 4 kids. The elder two have their own big bedrooms at their mothers house and share a bathroom there (mum has an ensuite).

I was the stepkid who didn't have a room at her father's house at all while my step siblings had lovely big rooms. Because of this I suppose I'm quite sensitive to not making DSD feel put out.

That makes it really straightforward doesn't it. You've come to the most sensible decision. I hope DSD is sensible about it.
Monopolyiscrap · 13/02/2022 23:33

@Mellowyellow222

I’m not sure what is the best answer here.

But, regardless of how many nights she stays, a 16 year old behaving like that would have been told to grow up in my family!! She would now be in the smallest room for being so selfish!

Yes of course she should have a proper bedroom at her dads - but it doesn’t have to be the biggest/

Does she see her dad enough? Every other weekend isn’t much

That action would be a sure way to damage your relationship forever. Taking revenge on kids never works out well.
Maestrog · 13/02/2022 23:34

I think your update explains it well.

You could maybe give DSD a say in whether she shares the Jack and Jill with DD or DSS/guests.

BurntO · 13/02/2022 23:34

I’d let her have it. She didn’t choose or get a say in living a life where she has to swap homes all the time. A teen child is going to benefit from on en-suite more. Teens also spend more times in their rooms then younger children (in general) I assume the younger kids get the benefit of having a more stable up bringing with two biological parents around, that can be a hard pill to swallow for older children moved from home to home alongside getting shafted the smaller bedrooms.

OrangeShark27 · 13/02/2022 23:34

A 7to will get no benefit from an en suite at all, whilst a 16yo will. If anything I'd probably prefer a 7yo not to have an ensuite

MusicByTheLake · 13/02/2022 23:35

Well yes it is sexist. Not my experience anyway, my sons and GS have the longest showers.

You do realise that some girls (and women) don't shave their legs? Some boys have skin care routines, thinking of one of mine who had terrible acne and his skin care took longer than any girl I've ever known.

No one needs their own exclusive bathroom because they have periods. Imagine if people said boys need their own bathroom so they can have their shaving gear around them.

However it is done it shouldn't be that one sex is somehow more entitled, terrible precedent to set.

I couldn’t agree more.

As for the it’s nicer a girls to have her own bathroom due to periods so she can have her things around... men/boys do cope if they see a packet of sanitary towels or tampons on a shelf...I promise.

Deadringer · 13/02/2022 23:35

It seens crazy to me to have the bigger bedrooms with ensuites empty for what, 80% of the time? I would give the resident kids the better rooms on the basis that they are being used 100% of the time.

BungleandGeorge · 13/02/2022 23:37

Will your husband’s friends stay at the same time as the dsd? I’m not sure if it’s fair to expect her to share a jack and Jill which opens straight onto her room with an adult male? As far as room sizes go I don’t think there’s any problem since they have one each. If it was me I’d probably put your son in the nearest en suite, guest/step son in other en suite and the 2 girls in the jack and Jill.

OrangeShark27 · 13/02/2022 23:38

Personally I'd be tempted to put DD and DS in jack and Jill. DsD in en suite as she can clean it and DSS on en suite cos he's never there and can also clean it. Saves on bathroom cleaning, but I know you have your reasons for having your DS near you.