To think this is a fair allocation of bedrooms?

[Wintersbone]

We have just moved into our new house. We very purposefully bought a 5 bed so each of the kids DSS (19), DSD (16), DS (12) and DD (7) could each have their own room. Two of the kids bedrooms are slightly larger in area than the other two. I had planned to give the smaller two bedrooms to the stepkids on the premise that they aren't here as much but DSD is quite upset. She ran through the house and declared a bedroom "hers". She's fairly upset at not being given that bedroom and now the younger two are offering to give up theirs which is very sweet but feels wrong. Am I being a cow here?

Your reasoning is entirely logical, and DSD really doesn't have a leg to stand on if she kicks off about it. The 7 yo's autism and DSD's relative lack of stuff compared to the f/t residents is a very clear and rational reason for her having the slightly smaller room.

Being a step child is hard, your often the one left out, it’s likely nothing to do with the room.

@TatianaBis

I think you have it right OP. The resident kids get the biggest rooms, because the SKs are there only part of the time and get their pick of bedrooms in their own house.

Ahem.....

This is also "their house" and it's important they don't feel like second class citizens in it.

There's lots of factors to consider here but the idea that this is not their home is not one of them.

I'm also a bit baffled about younger children needing more space to play. Personally I found the reverse insofar younger children tended to want to play downstairs and interact with parents whereas older teens bedrooms were where they spent most of their time.

@OrangeShark27

Personally I'd be tempted to put DD and DS in jack and Jill. DsD in en suite as she can clean it and DSS on en suite cos he's never there and can also clean it. Saves on bathroom cleaning, but I know you have your reasons for having your DS near you.

You put cleaning ahead of all the obvious practical reasons for the DCs having the bigger rooms?

One additional factor is that DS has autism and is strongly like him in the bedroom closest to us which is one of the en-suites.

Is the next bedroom much further away?

This is also "their house" and it's important they don't feel like second class citizens in it.

So the OP's kids get to be the second class citizens in their one and only house? That they live in every day?

@Wintersbone

One additional factor is that DS has autism and is strongly like him in the bedroom closest to us which is one of the en-suites. He could give a stuff about the en-suite but he does have an enormous amount of Lego and stuff that needs keeping just so. I won't move DS into one of the jack and jill bathroom bedrooms for that reason. As her brother is at uni DSD will have the ensuite jack and hill to herself 99% of the time unless we have guests. It's also the biggest of the bathrooms. No family bathroom. 5 beds with 4 bathrooms and a w/c downstairs.

DH is father to all 4 kids. The elder two have their own big bedrooms at their mothers house and share a bathroom there (mum has an ensuite).

I was the stepkid who didn't have a room at her father's house at all while my step siblings had lovely big rooms. Because of this I suppose I'm quite sensitive to not making DSD feel put out.

Ok well that's a big and relevant drip feed.

On that basis I'd change my opinion and agree with your original proposal.

I don’t think any kid should decide they get first choice of all the bedrooms.

I have an 12 yr old in a box room and a 7 yr old in a much bigger room. He only needs a desk for his laptop. 7DD has Barbie stuff, teddy bears, drawing desk, more clothes… so I can easily see that the same is true with step kids included. She might like an en suite, but she shouldn’t be in charge of deciding who gets what.

@saraclara

This is also "their house" and it's important they don't feel like second class citizens in it.

So the OP's kids get to be the second class citizens in their one and only house? That they live in every day?

Sigh....

Second class by having their own bathroom to share rather that as most children the use of one family bathroom?

Honestly you lack sense of proportion.

Anyway, the latest update has clarified things somewhat and I've changed my opinion based on that information (oh and I'm a SM btw and had to navigate these waters).

OP talk to them. Don't just dictate what happens.

I'd do:
DS and DD in biggest rooms
DSS and DD in smaller rooms sharing bathroom
When guests come, get DD to move into DSS's bedroom and let guests have her private en suite. More comfortable for everyone and avoids all the awkwardness that usually comes with Jack and Jills.

@Wintersbone. Well that was a bit of information that should have gone in your OP!

Then DS in the en-suite nearest you (if he's not a menace with water!!)

DSD & DD in the Jack & Jill's. Esentially DSD gets an en-suite as 7 Yo's aren't known for languishing in the bathroom (& she can use one of the other toilets if necessary & your shower if you want to get her sorted & in to bed (keep spare toothbrush in yours).

DSS/Guests in other en-suite.

Job done!!

DSS/Guests in the 2nd En-suite & explain why to DSD.

If DSD will also be off to university in a couple of years, how about she has the larger room on the understanding that once she's at university they swap?

I think the step kids don’t get the biggest rooms if they’re only weekend visitors. How often does the stepdaughter stay with you?

I think it's really horrible to see them as 'visitors'. it's their home, with their parent; it just so happens that they have to move between homes, as their parents no longer live together. They didn't ask to be based in two separate homes.

People seem hung up on the idea that the step kids have two bedrooms/homes, but if they feel on the outer edge of two families, that somewhat nullifies the effect of having two bedrooms. No one else in the arrangement has to move between houses every few days.

Very well put. If you get given the smallest/less nice room at home A, on the grounds that you have a room at home B; and then get given the smallest/less nice room at home B, on the grounds that you have a room at home A - even aside from all the upheaval, moving and not having a single room in a single home to call 'your own room', you're getting the worst of both worlds.

If you're given the clear message that both homes are only temporary, but you have half-siblings who get to live in just one room, in just one home, living full-time with both parents, I think that must be a really upsetting situation to be in.

If the main differences between the rooms is en-suite or no en-suite, I agree with giving the girls the en-suites and then the the younger boy gets his own bathroom most of the time, but sharing with his older brother when he's home.

Without wanting to be sexist, girls - especially a teenager - will far more appreciate an enclosed en-suite than most boys will; plus the younger boy will effectively have his own en-suite most of the time anyway, but most likely not have the same potential unease about the door at the other end as a girl dealing with her period might do.

Why should she have a bigger room that's left empty the majority of the time because she's with her other parent?

She has a room in another house to keep most of her belongings!

No, she has the smaller room. She doesn't call the shots!

Step children being described as weekend visitors. That’s disgusting.

@saraclara they aren't second class citizens they are just younger. Normally an older teenager would get an en suite over a younger child on the premise that the younger child eventually takes over the room. None of the rooms are a cupboard under the stairs

This is her home, she won't feel like she's only here occasionally, she's probably excited that her dad is moving to a new home. She should feel at home as much in this house as the younger DC. Normal bedroom allocation rules should apply, not whether certain DC are there more than others.

Stick to your guns. Presumably she doesn't live there all the time anyway.

The guest bedroom thing is v relevant! We’re having an extension so all DSCs can have their own room, but the most suitable “guest” room (largest and has an en-suite) will be clearly demarked as such and the 3 DCs will be able to choose who would want that room as their bedroom. We’ll be pulling straws for the other two.

There are numerous reasons I’d want a guest to have an en suite instead of a jack-and-Jill.

I'd be doing this:

Eldest at uni gets en-suite room so your guests have a nicer stay too.

DSD gets other en-suite as per pp. She will appreciate the privacy.

The others take the rooms with the jack and Jill bathroom - this cuts out a considerable amount of cleaning as you'll only have the one bathroom in everyday use.

Could the deal be, that Older daughter gets to stay with younger daughter but if that’s the case her room doubles as guest suite. It actually makes far more sense for the guest room to have its own bathroom particularly with no family bathroom and also if Dh’s friends are sleeping over. Neither of the daughters should be sharing a Jack and Jill bathroom with adult men they aren’t related to ig it’s not a shared bathroom really

I’d have given the two teenagers the en-suites. It’s not the bedroom size - it’s the en-suites. Imagine being 16 and your 7 year old sister gets an en-suite, but you don’t.

DD has declared she wants the "pink" room as one of the Jack and Jill bedrooms is in fact currently pink. I think in DSDs mind us overriding DD to give her the bedroom DSD wants makes me seem rather wicked! DH will happily do and back whatever I come up with. He is of no help with the decision making but will back me up. He grew up fairly poor with all 5 kids and his parents sharing one bathroom and is fairly amused at my angst. But his was a nuclear family and he hasn't a clue what it feels like to be a stepchild.

She was upset after as she left tonight and I started to question myself. I really do love her and she loves me (although perhaps not tonight!). I hate to see her upset and it's a huge trigger for me to see her feel not prioritised. The new house was meant to be a really happy thing for all of us. There was discussion about whether or not she did her GCSEs with us but she chose to stay at mums (which is fine!). But I think I'll tell her if she did end up at ours for A levels then we could rethink the bedrooms. Or is that awful? I think once she gets it decorated how she wants and the realisation that she gets the biggest bathroom all to herself most of the time sinks in she will be fine. I hope. Or is this one of those core memories where she just remembers feeling left out? I realise I sound completely mad. Thank you for listening to me waffle.

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