To think this is a fair allocation of bedrooms?

[Wintersbone]

We have just moved into our new house. We very purposefully bought a 5 bed so each of the kids DSS (19), DSD (16), DS (12) and DD (7) could each have their own room. Two of the kids bedrooms are slightly larger in area than the other two. I had planned to give the smaller two bedrooms to the stepkids on the premise that they aren't here as much but DSD is quite upset. She ran through the house and declared a bedroom "hers". She's fairly upset at not being given that bedroom and now the younger two are offering to give up theirs which is very sweet but feels wrong. Am I being a cow here?

The older children don't need as much space, they are more able to share a bathroom, they will move out earlier. Being a step child is irrelevant, if all children lived in the house 100% you'd still have chosen right. When she's back go out to buy all her new stuff and decorating stuff and make it hers, she'll be fine.

Although I find it a bit novel. As the stepchild I didn't even have a bed.

Although I find it a bit novel. As the stepchild I didn't even have a bed.
I didn't mean this as a criticism, just that I don't understand as I'd have just been happy with any room so I can't see myself in her shoes

I have an issue with a 16yo basically guilt tripping two younger children to get her way tbh….

Are they considered completely out of bounds to everybody else, or just as another family bathroom, albeit one at the end of a (currently unoccupied) bedroom as opposed to at the end of a corridor
We have never used each the en-suites in the other rooms and the DC don’t use ours with the exception of the youngest using our shower one day after football, I can’t remember why. We also have a family bathroom and a downstairs cloakroom.

@TheApexOfMyLife

I have an issue with a 16yo basically guilt tripping two younger children to get her way tbh….

Same. She sounds bratty and used to having the world revolve around her.

Last night DH found he does have an opinion! DD was woken up by the TV because the jack and jill bedrooms are over the lounge and DH has a surround sound system. The ensuite bedrooms are the other end of the house. As we only have DSD EOW she very rarely will overlap with guests unless it's my mother who comes once a year and whom DSD adores. I try to schedule other guests for when DSD isn't with us. Essentially this will leave DSD with a slightly smaller bedroom but a huge bathroom all to herself the vast majority of the time.

I would have preferred a family bathroom to the jack and jill but the layout means it can't be fixed. It doesn't share a wall with the landing.

How often do you have guests? Are you likely to have guests when both the oldest kids are also staying?

I think the youngest 2 get the biggest bedrooms as there the most & places DS close to your bedroom

Put the two boys in the rooms with a shared bathroom. Let the girls have the bigger rooms with en-suite. As the eldest SS is at uni it might well end up that ds would get use of two rooms soon enough. Also 16 dsd is going to be at uni age soon enough so you won't have her there often anyway. So it won't be for longer than 5/6 years.

@Howshouldibehave

How often are they there?

I think I’d have sorted this with DH already!

Even if OP had discussed and sorted it with her DH before moving in, her DSD still wants the bigger room.

Oh dear! So first you told DSD she had to have a small room because she was there less and her little sister can't be expected to share a bathroom with guests, then because her little brother needed his own bathroom, now it's because her little sister needs her sleep and DH refuses to turn the TV down. I know she has been brattish about it but I am getting more and more sympathy for her.

Your DH is putting you in a horrible position. It's no good him "backing you up" if DSD knows/thinks it's all coming from you.

We've done a similar setup where the DSCs will have the smaller bedrooms than the DCs, reason being that they'll need much less furniture in their rooms (only here on weekends and so only have a few clothes here, and also (they're younger than yours but thinking long term..) won't need a desk as majority of their studying will be done during the week at their mum's house). Everyone was fine with that after we discussed it.

@Wintersbone

Last night DH found he does have an opinion! DD was woken up by the TV because the jack and jill bedrooms are over the lounge and DH has a surround sound system. The ensuite bedrooms are the other end of the house. As we only have DSD EOW she very rarely will overlap with guests unless it's my mother who comes once a year and whom DSD adores. I try to schedule other guests for when DSD isn't with us. Essentially this will leave DSD with a slightly smaller bedroom but a huge bathroom all to herself the vast majority of the time.

I would have preferred a family bathroom to the jack and jill but the layout means it can't be fixed. It doesn't share a wall with the landing.

Dilemma over then, you had it right all along.

@Maestrog

Oh dear! So first you told DSD she had to have a small room because she was there less and her little sister can't be expected to share a bathroom with guests, then because her little brother needed his own bathroom, now it's because her little sister needs her sleep and DH refuses to turn the TV down. I know she has been brattish about it but I am getting more and more sympathy for her.

Your DH is putting you in a horrible position. It's no good him "backing you up" if DSD knows/thinks it's all coming from you.

I wouldn’t have even given her a reason to begin with!

“This is your room DSD, let us know how you’d like it decorated”.

Far too much pandering going on. She has her main bedroom at her other house.

I'm confused, why is it inappropriate for a brother and sister to use the same bathroom (at different times, obviously)? You all do realize that most people on the planet do not have en suite bathrooms for each individual in their house. Just put a lock on the door, for Gawd's sake.

@Shittyfingers yeah I agree that lot of this is in how the message goes out, but OP has been criticized for not having talked it through beforehand too!

@greenteafiend

I'm confused, why is it inappropriate for a brother and sister to use the same bathroom (at different times, obviously)? You all do realize that most people on the planet do not have en suite bathrooms for each individual in their house. Just put a lock on the door, for Gawd's sake.

I was thinking the same, the difficulty is that DSD has seen there are other/better choices. I think the OP had it right first time

Stick with your original plan.
However if DD (7) really wants to give her bedroom to DSD then let her, with the proviso they swap hen DSD goes to uni (presumably when DD is 9).

Good he has an opinion now. Do what you need to do. If bedrooms are different someone always has the ‘worst’ one and we often have to make decisions based on not much. You can’t even give youngest the smallest and tell them they’ll get the biggest in time if the eldest never leaves!

Fwiw sleep is important. My son didn’t sleep for ten years. We moved house and he had a choice of essentially two box rooms. He ended up in the very smallest room because he felt cosy, could see the door, there was no noise from boiler or bathroom and finally he sleeps… ten years! If a child has trouble sleeping I would always do what’s best to fix that (regardless of room sizes).

For those that haven't experienced them the issue with Jack and Jill is that they are often less private than a conventional shared bathroom. You need to remember to lock both sides when you go in, and remember to unlock both sides when you go out then relock your side from the outside. I've experienced them in a cheap hotel and it was pretty awkward. The other issue is when both sides go in at the same time. I am sure you get used to them, but I don't think they make good guest rooms, as a disoriented guest is particularly likely to try the wrong door and forget the locking system.

I've only seen them work with bolts (as both sides of the door need to be lockable) and there is a mischievous potential to lock someone in. So not sure they are ideal for young kids, particularly both sides.

Your DH needs to step up to sort this out as sensitively as possible. However reasonable your logic, it's not going to be good optics when you are left to dictate your kids get the best rooms, and the other kids get lesser rooms the other side of the house.

You need to remember to lock both sides when you go in, and remember to unlock both sides when you go out then relock your side from the outside

Depends on the family norm though - my cousins have a J&J bathroom between their bedrooms and they could never be bothered with the faff of constantly locking/unlocking multiple doors so they just have a system that the bathroom doors are left open (also helps to get fresh air through all 3 rooms if the windows are open in both bedrooms) unless someone is in there, so if the door is closed the you knock before trying the door.

Obviously not everyone would be comfortable with such a laid back approach (and they do occasionally lock the doors if they want to guarantee privacy or if one of them has friends staying over who might also use that bathroom) but it also doesn't have to be overly complicated either.

@Melj1213 presumably the laid back approach only works with young kids or older ones of the same gender? Certainly not with guests.

Sorry but I do think it's a bit mean. I'd give the 16 yo and 12yo the ensuites as they will get most benefit from them for now. 19yo won't be there all that often as at uni so doesn't need the large bedroom and 7yo was more than happy to have the smaller room. From the outside it looks like any excuse not to give bigger room to dsd. When she goes to uni or whatever the understanding will be that dd7 then gets to move to the ensuite room. I think your dh just needs to turn his 'surround sound' down quite frankly if it loud enough to wake anyone. However it is of course your decision, but that's my thoughts on the matter.

@ivegotasorethroat

Why should she have a bigger room that's left empty the majority of the time because she's with her other parent?

She has a room in another house to keep most of her belongings!

No, she has the smaller room. She doesn't call the shots!

Why should the step kids keep most of their belongings at their mums? Why would they not want access to clothes, music, computer games, etc at their dads as well? Or do you expect them to act like visitors bringing a small bag of clothes for a few days.

@FindmeuptheFarawaytree

Sorry but I do think it's a bit mean. I'd give the 16 yo and 12yo the ensuites as they will get most benefit from them for now. 19yo won't be there all that often as at uni so doesn't need the large bedroom and 7yo was more than happy to have the smaller room. From the outside it looks like any excuse not to give bigger room to dsd. When she goes to uni or whatever the understanding will be that dd7 then gets to move to the ensuite room. I think your dh just needs to turn his 'surround sound' down quite frankly if it loud enough to wake anyone. However it is of course your decision, but that's my thoughts on the matter.

I 100% agree with this. And I see it time and time again on here. People always look for an excuse to give the step kids the smallest rooms in the house. I have never once on MN seen anyone giving any stepchild the largest room. Whether the step kids are young or old, there is always a reason. If they are young, then they do not need a large room as they will be playing mostly in the living room. If they are teenagers, they do not need a large room as they don't have lots of toys to play with. Most mums put their own kids first and what they want ahead of any stepchildren.

Is the Jack and Jill bathroom big enough to divide into two, smaller en-suites?