To think this is a fair allocation of bedrooms?

[Wintersbone]

We have just moved into our new house. We very purposefully bought a 5 bed so each of the kids DSS (19), DSD (16), DS (12) and DD (7) could each have their own room. Two of the kids bedrooms are slightly larger in area than the other two. I had planned to give the smaller two bedrooms to the stepkids on the premise that they aren't here as much but DSD is quite upset. She ran through the house and declared a bedroom "hers". She's fairly upset at not being given that bedroom and now the younger two are offering to give up theirs which is very sweet but feels wrong. Am I being a cow here?

It’s really hard - and with new houses and bedrooms someone always feels short changed.

I'm amazed that so many new houses are seemingly deliberately built to cause consternation. Why does it not seem 'A Thing' at all to build 3+ bedroom houses with a larger room for the parents and then all the other bedrooms the same size? Is it the builders wanting to have their cake and eat it with both "look at the size of these two lovely rooms - both en-suite too" and also "Yes, of course it's a 4 or 5 bedroom house" and hope that you'll somehow mentally rationalise both facts together without cognising the disparity that two or three of the rooms are much smaller/inferior?

Same with en-suites - why not either just have one in the 'master' bedroom or one in every bedroom? I'm not saying for every new house at all, but it doesn't sound like any are built this way.

Also, fwiw, I grew up in a house with a small family bathroom, a tiny downstairs toilet and no en-suites or anything else. We managed fine. Obviously, if there are no en-suites in the picture, then everybody just shares; but when there are, you need to allocate them in the fairest way. If you can afford lobster or steak, you wouldn't feed it to half of your children whilst only giving the others a side-plate of rice and beans.

Dsd sounds spoiled and bratty to me. She ran through the house and bagged the best room! How rude.
Of course whoever lives there full time has the bigger rooms. Does that need explaining/justifying? It seems obvious to me.
Dsd is very lucky to have her own room in both houses. We all had to share and we all hated it. She is fortunate, not unfortunate.

In this situation I would have it set out this way:

DS: Ensuite 1 that is closest to the master bedroom for safety and, as he has a lot of stuff, he will utilise the extra space

DSS: Ensure 2 but in the knowledge that when he is at Uni it may be used as a guest room (which then also means guests get their own bathroom that isn't shared with any child for the duration of their stay)

DSD/DD: Jack and Jill rooms so that the two children that are sharing the bathroom are the same gender and as neither J&J room will be used for guests they will never have to share a bathroom with anyone except their sister.

*Ensure 2 = Ensuite 2

Dsd is very lucky to have her own room in both houses. We all had to share and we all hated it.

But it isn't about how lucky or unlucky she is compared with other children in other families. That's irrelevant. It's all about fairness within the same family.

Suppose you were one of two children and you inherited £100,000 from your rich parents whilst your sibling was bequeathed the other £10million - would you feel hurt, upset, unloved and unfairly treated? Now suppose that your parents had been of modest means and only had a total of £10,000 to leave in assets, and you each got £5,000 of that - would you feel aggrieved?

I would give the DSS and DSD the smaller rooms on the basis they are there EOW .

I would give the 16 yo the en-suite bathroom. She should get to keep it until she is the point where she would leave for uni whether she goes or not. At that point she gets downgraded to a smaller room.

Oldest already at uni should Be in smallest off the jack and Jill, but if you are really making that room the guest room, it should be the other en-suite.

So 16 yo gets room for about 2 years, then 3rd child gets an upgrade. At that point you can move the guest room to off the jack and Jill as well. So both the younger kids will have the better bedrooms right at the age they actually start really valuing that space and privacy.

Never having lived in a house with an en-suite, I'm also curious as to how people in a family treat them when the occupant of the bedroom is away.

Are they considered completely out of bounds to everybody else, or just as another family bathroom, albeit one at the end of a (currently unoccupied) bedroom as opposed to at the end of a corridor?

I’d actually put the 2 girls in the J& J rooms as then it’s less of an issue if someone forgets to lock a door , also the age gap means they won’t likely be in the bathroom at the same time . I would say put the both boys in those rooms for the same reasons but you’ve stated that the ds has to be where he is . That also leaves an en suite room for guests if you have them regularly when the uni child is away .

Never having lived in a house with an en-suite, I'm also curious as to how people in a family treat them when the occupant of the bedroom is away.

In our house, they don’t get used by anyone else. The only bathroom that everyone might use is the main family one. I also don’t let guests use any of our rooms even kids rooms if they’re away.

Are they considered completely out of bounds to everybody else, or just as another family bathroom, albeit one at the end of a (currently unoccupied) bedroom as opposed to at the end of a corridor?

In my family they aren't completely out of bounds but it would be weird to deliberately use someone else's ensuite if there was other bathrooms available.

Surely the "default" bathroom is either the main family bathroom - if you don't have an ensuite - and if you do have one then you use that one so you don't have any need to use another ensuite in someone else's bedroom?

The only exception might be if there is a problem/emergency that makes your default bathroom unuseable and so you use the ensuite in another bedroom in the short term. For example my parents have an ensuite and the only times I have ever used it when I lived at home were when the main bathroom was being remodelled - the only functioning shower was in the ensuite and the remodel took 2 weeks so we had to use it - or when you were desperate for a wee, the main bathroom was occupied and the ensuite was the next closest loo.

Not a jack and Jill fan. Unless the other side is empty I don't think it's appropriate for a guest room.

Are your kids half siblings to your step kids? If not then that might add some extra constraints.

I dont think it's fair to label DSD a brat. She's 16. Got very excited, then very deflated. These things happen. Not to say she should get her own way.

Given what you have described I would allocate
DS ensuite
Dss ensuite to double as guest room and spare bathroom when he's not there.
DD/dsd Jack and Jill

Thanks, VeganIsTheFuture & melj1213 - interesting.

I'd assume that they wouldn't be the first choice if there's a main/family/central bathroom available, but I wondered if you'd have people queuing outside said family bathroom, or doing the wee-wee dance, rather than use somebody else's empty en-suite

DSD is being a brat and needs to get over herself. She isn’t “lovely” - lovely children don’t demand a younger child (living there permanently) should give up their room so that the part-timer can have it.
Listen to yourself. Calling a child a “part-timer”. She simply sounds excited by the new house and comfortable in her family.

I do think it’s odd there was no discussion of rooms before moving day, so this happened at all. Also odd the discussion is entirely focused on bathrooms and en suites when it sounds like there could be all sorts of reasons the kids want certain rooms, eg DD liked the pink. Maybe DSD likes the view in another. I would let the kids decide, with you and DH as adjudicators.

@Wintersbone have you approached it with her regarding the points you've made ? Effectively she has use of two bedrooms when her brother isn't there. She's mature enough to have a lockable door in use as and when she needs to. She has the bigger bathroom etc

Let dsd have the bigger room with the ensuite. Once she's at uni, your dd can have her room.

Youngest two are an awkward age to share the bathroom. Yes, it's fine now but what about when your DS is 15 and your DD is 10? Doubt DS will want his much younger sister walking in on him.

Since your DSS is hardly ever there, I would give your DS one of the jack and jill bedrooms and let him use the other one to store his Lego etc., only with a double bed in there for DSS when he stays. He could also have a desk in there and use it as a quiet study space. So DS essentially gets 2 rooms most of the time.

DD7 and DSD then get an ensuite room each. DSD's is also used as the guest room.

@Wintersbone

DSD is lovely and I care for her very much. She is with us EOW and 1/2 holidays. The two slightly bigger bedrooms both have en suites. The smaller two share a jack and Jill with two sinks and one shower. DSS is at uni and realistically his room will double as a guest room. I originally thought I would just let DD swap with DSD but then sometimes DH's friends will stay (not that they aren't lovely!) but then they would be sharing a bathroom with DD which makes me a bit uneasy. DSD is old enough to lock the joining door when she's in there and then unlock it when she leaves.

I think it’s just as inappropriate for make guests to be sharing a Jack and Jill bathroom with a teenage girl as your DD.

I think it’ll also come across really badly if you tell your DSD that’s why her sister can’t have that room but she can.

I’d put the two girls in the Jack and Jill room if you can’t put the two youngest.

Allocate the rooms as you first decided. The step children have their own rooms in the home that they live in. They are old enough to understand this. It's really great that they can also have rooms in the home they visit regularly, but it would be ridiculous to put their needs before those of the full time residents.

Step kids get the smallest bedrooms. The kids that live there all the time get the biggest bedrooms. The step kids have their own main bedrooms at their other house.

DSD will just have to learn the word No

It's ridiculous for a 16yo who is only there EOW to get the best bedroom. It's poor parenting to allow her to get away with this. Your original plan was the right one but it was stupid to let her into the house without having first had a conversation about rooms so si that she knew that her choice was limited to whicg of the 2 J&J rooms she might want.

Both DSD and DD need to get over the fact that one of the rooms is already decorated pink. Any room can be repainted any colour during a single weekend.

I’d explain the reasoning around the bathrooms. That’s a practical reason for why you want it, not favouritism or prioritising bigger bedrooms for who is here all the time. My other suggestion would have been that if DSD is having the bigger room she also has to have it used for a small amount of storage. So a doors worth of the wardrobe or some drawers might have to be designated to storing things for the family such as bedding etc?

I understand why Jack and Jill bathrooms have their problems. Am extreme measure, but could this bathroom be remodelled so that the door to it opens on to the landing? It takes away all the anxiety about who shares the J And J bathroom as access is through one door only.

I don't think that adult guests should be sharing the Jack and Jill with any of the children. So on that basis, the rooms that you intend using for guests should be ensuites.

I'd have DSD in an ensuite, but on the understanding that if guests stay they use her room. I'd want to avoid DSS and DD sharing the JnJ due to the large difference in age and gender, so probably would either have your DD and DS in the JnJ with DSS in the other ensuite, or have DS and DSS in the JnJ with DD in the other ensuite. Since DD seems to actively want to be in the JnJ, it seems sensible for your two to be in the JnJ and the two SC to have the ensuites. This is also the best arrangement for when you have guests.

I think it’s just as inappropriate for make guests to be sharing a Jack and Jill bathroom with a teenage girl as your DD.

That depends on how often the guests and the DSD are likely to be there at the same time?
The DD is there all the time.

It seems nuts to give the teens the bigger rooms when the younger kids will have more stuff and are more likely to use the floor space