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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is a fair allocation of bedrooms?

217 replies

Wintersbone · 13/02/2022 22:09

We have just moved into our new house. We very purposefully bought a 5 bed so each of the kids DSS (19), DSD (16), DS (12) and DD (7) could each have their own room. Two of the kids bedrooms are slightly larger in area than the other two. I had planned to give the smaller two bedrooms to the stepkids on the premise that they aren't here as much but DSD is quite upset. She ran through the house and declared a bedroom "hers". She's fairly upset at not being given that bedroom and now the younger two are offering to give up theirs which is very sweet but feels wrong. Am I being a cow here?

OP posts:
JustLyra · 13/02/2022 22:59

I’d give the younger two the shared Jack & Jill. Then the older two the en suites with the caveat that they are used for guests when needed and they’re not there. That way no guests are sharing with kids most likely to be there (we do have guests often though).

Lockdownbear · 13/02/2022 22:59

I think the younger kids need the bigger rooms, they are more likely to play with toys and actually use the floor space.

Older kids are more likely to sit on beds studying or calling friends.

But I'd be loathed to go with the idea of swapping rooms in a couple of years when she goes to uni. That probably involves new curtains and decorating not just swapping rooms

dancinfeet · 13/02/2022 22:59

Kids who live there full time get the biggest rooms. I say this as my two kids were the step kids in their dads household, they slept in the guest room and were not permitted to leave any personal belongings there at all between visits, everything they needed had to be carted with them every other weekend. Eventually they both stopped visiting him altogether because of his selfishness, nothing to do with not having a space to call their own in his house, but because they came to realise that he is a self absorbed twat who never fails to let them down.
I cannot comprehend why other posters think your DSD should have a larger room when she only lives there sometimes and your other kids are there all of the time- am presuming that your OH is the dad of the two younger kids, and that they are there all of the time not visiting another parent?

Flickflak · 13/02/2022 23:00

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Monopolyiscrap · 13/02/2022 23:01

@Howshouldibehave

I wouldn’t give kids who are there only EOW the biggest/en-suite rooms.
This kind of rule just means step kids always get the worst of everything.
Forensicpsych · 13/02/2022 23:01

What’s your dh say?

viques · 13/02/2022 23:03

I would give the jack and Jill bathroom rooms to the two boys. DSD will need to understand that her room can be used as a guest room when she is not there.

Cattitudes · 13/02/2022 23:04

@22Newnames

Why on earth is everyone saying give the girls en-suites? I can’t see why they ought to get them in preference over boys.

I’d go with your original allocation OP.

The reason I had ds in with dss is that at 12 he is old enough to lock the door when his step brother is home whereas the 7r old is not and a 19yr old boy doesn't want to walk in on his 7yr old sister. Obviously if guests are over when dsd is there they would have to be in ds room but that is still probably fine as ds should be able to lock doors etc.
oviraptor21 · 13/02/2022 23:08

Guests would be better in the e/s rooms so I'd give DSD an e/s to be shared with guests. The boys to share the jack and jill as it sounds like DSS will rarely be there.

justforthisnow · 13/02/2022 23:08

A discussion beforehand may have been useful but it appears it's past that point.
We've already had a chat re holiday bedroom allocation for next July, as I know there'd be war otherwise, I present a rough plan and then sort of let them negotiate it through with a few bits of advice thrown in.
But no SD or SS so those dynamics aren't there.

LadyPropane · 13/02/2022 23:09

I don't think these situations need to involve as much heart ache and deliberation as some people seem to give them!

Just let the kids decide themselves, step in and make a final decision if it turns into an argument. If the younger ones are offering then that's fine. It's just a bedroom. As long as they all have somewhere comfortable and safe to sleep it really doesn't matter.

tara66 · 13/02/2022 23:09

The older DSC have 2 bedrooms each anyway - one with their mother and one with DF and DSM so younger kid's should have bigger bedrooms and also has has been said the younger kids have more stuff.

5foot5 · 13/02/2022 23:10

Is there a family bathroom or is it just ensuites and Jack and Jill's? Just! Crikey, get me

BrieAndChilli · 13/02/2022 23:10

I know it’s ‘sexist’ but I think girls get more benefit from an en-suite than boys do.
In my general experience boys have a quick shower, shave if old enough and use the loo.
Girls take loooong showers, wash hair with more eg conditioner, shave legs, do face masks, make up etc and the main one for me for teen girls is periods. Much nicer for her to be able to have her own loo to sort herself out and have things around.

I agree - give the girls the ensuites and the boys can share the other one.

Monopolyiscrap · 13/02/2022 23:11

@tara66 so the step kids just end up with small bedrooms at two houses? How is that an advantage?

ItsDisneyBitch · 13/02/2022 23:11

I would give the girls an en-suite and the boys the jack and Jill, if the elder boy is at university then it’s like the younger has his own bathroom anyway except during the holidays.

BrieAndChilli · 13/02/2022 23:11

I’m also assuming a 5 bed house with at least 4 bathrooms will have space downstairs for the younger ones to have some toys etc!

MusicByTheLake · 13/02/2022 23:12

The only one I would prioritise a bigger room for is the 7 year old as presumably she has toys which take up more space? If your son is prepared to give up his room for your DSD then I’d just go with that. I’d be having a word with her about not being entitled and that if she feels things are unfair in the future, she needs to address in in a better way.

tkwal · 13/02/2022 23:12

Talk about first world problems ? Wouldn't have thought the 19yo would spend much time there anyway

thecatsthecats · 13/02/2022 23:13

Does the step daughter also have half siblings at the other house? People seem hung up on the idea that the step kids have two bedrooms/homes, but if they feel on the outer edge of two families, that somewhat nullifies the effect of having two bedrooms. No one else in the arrangement has to move between houses every few days.

No perfect solutions here, but I can well see how a 16 year old might feel like she's first in the queue for an en suite vs a seven year old.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 13/02/2022 23:15

@RumJerrySailorRum

Girls get the en suites, boys share a bathroom.
This^
MusicByTheLake · 13/02/2022 23:15

Talk about first world problems ?

It’s causing OP an issue and she’s happy to hear what others would do. Are only people in 1 beds with 10 children allowed to post? 🙄

BreadInCaptivity · 13/02/2022 23:17

@JustLyra

I’d give the younger two the shared Jack & Jill. Then the older two the en suites with the caveat that they are used for guests when needed and they’re not there. That way no guests are sharing with kids most likely to be there (we do have guests often though).

This would be my approach as a SM.

It's not like the younger children are massively deprived by having a shared bathroom to themselves given most family's share a single bathroom for everyone and given they are offering to swap it seems peevish not to re-think.

I'd also like the flexibility of using the en-suite rooms for guests when the SC's are not there.

Realistically the older children will be leaving home in a few years and at that point you can reassess.

All that said I'm not hugely impressed with how she's handled this and that would actually put me off changing the arrangements.

I probably still would - but I'd make pretty clear the change of heart wasn't influenced by her behaviour- rather it nearly had the opposite effect - and that any kicking off about occasionally using the room for guests (part of the deal) would mean a default to original arrangements.

saraclara · 13/02/2022 23:17

The step kids will have far less stuff than the full time resident kids. They're only there eow and half holidays so far fewer clothes and school stuff and no toys, what with being older.

The younger kids will have all their belongings there, plus toys and be wanting to play on their bedroom floor.

It makes no sense for the older step kids to have the biggest rooms..

purpleroses100 · 13/02/2022 23:19

The step kids are older and have a whole other house that they spend the majority of their life at. Your kids spend most of their time in the their house - they should get the bigger rooms. Why buy a house for the bigger rooms just to be empty? At least they are getting their own rooms! Of course she would want to bags her favourite room but she didn't buy the house! She lives there 4 days a month and half the holidays! 19 year old will likely not be there much either.
The younger kids shouldn't be trying to keep the peace - bless them. They will appreciate the space more they just don't realise it now!

Stand your ground!