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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH fought with me for asking a questiom

203 replies

user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 18:23

DH and I were talking about the shortage of council houses. I said that part of reason for the shortage is the government allowed tenants to purchase houses years ago and didn"t build replacement houses.

Then he asked if my grandparents house was originally a council house. I asked him why he is asking that? My grandparents house is terraced but round our way the council houses are a certain style and my grandparents house was not in that style.

Then he started shouting and said 'how dare he ask this". He was trying to bring out that I was offended at being asked about the council house. Did I get it wrong?

Should I just have answered the question?

I am normally very quiet and sometimes when I say something in a conversation, a person at work may try and give a smirk.

In recent years, I am 50, I have asked people when I am unsure about something. When I was younger, people would ask me questions or say cutting things, trying to give me a dig. This is despite the fact that I would be sure I had not offended them.

OP posts:

cheekychaplin · 11/02/2022 18:27

I don't get it. He asked if their house was a council house and you got nippy? Why not say yes or no? What does it matter

LittleSnakes · 11/02/2022 18:28

Why didn’t you answer him?

dementedpixie · 11/02/2022 18:29

Do you often answer a question with a question?
Was there a reason you didn't answer the question?

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 11/02/2022 18:30

Well you could flip this and say you fought because you answered his question with a question.

Why wouldn't you just answer him?

Shoxfordian · 11/02/2022 18:30

Why didn’t you just answer and say no if it’s not

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 11/02/2022 18:30

Well, sounds like you could have said yes or no and the convo would have gone on.

Does he often shout at you?

ForksAndSpoons · 11/02/2022 18:31

No he shouldn't have yelled at you even if your question wasn't reasonable (not saying that it wasn't by the way.)

WorriedGiraffe · 11/02/2022 18:31

You were having a conversation and he asked a normal relevant question, so why not just answer it? Sounds like you were defensive for no reason.

Original poster

user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 18:31

I asked him why he thought my grandparemts house was a council house as it is not in the certain style of council houses near us.

My grandparents house in in a small estate of 30 houses.

I apologised for asking as I was puzzled by the question. He still kept shouting and is sulking now.

OP posts:

PhoboPhobia · 11/02/2022 18:32

I don’t know why people are excusing the DH shouting. Maybe he thought you were being defensive about your GPs house but that’s no reason for him to shout at you.

DiddyHeck · 11/02/2022 18:32

Then he asked if my grandparents house was originally a council house. I asked him why he is asking that?

See that sounds confrontational to me. I mean obviously none of us were there to hear the tone of voice, but there is normally two sides to every argument.

Hunderland · 11/02/2022 18:33

Well as your point was that people buying council houses has contributed to a housing shortage, his suggestion was your grandparents did exactly that...

CorrBlimeyGG · 11/02/2022 18:34

Do you feel like he was trying to set you up, so he could turn round and say your grandparents were part of the problem?

GiantSpider · 11/02/2022 18:34

Why are some posters blaming the OP? He overreacted massively OP. Yes maybe you should have just answered the question, but that doesn't excuse him from shouting and sulking.

DysmalRadius · 11/02/2022 18:37

You were talking about council housing and he asked a relevant question. The style of council housing is irrelevant - I imagine he was asking because he wanted to know as it was pertinent to the discussion. Why didn't you answer him? I agree with PP's that he shouldn't have shouted, but it sounds like a frustrating way to conduct a conversation so I sympathise with him finding it difficult to have a chat if you were refusing to answer a reasonable question.

Topseyt · 11/02/2022 18:37

It all sounds very childish to me.

You could have given a clear answer to the question but didn't for some reason, and he is now sulking ridiculously

Why did the question make you defensive? Was his manner critical.

CorrBlimeyGG · 11/02/2022 18:39

I imagine he was asking because he wanted to know as it was pertinent to the discussion.

Why was it pertinent to the discussion?

Original poster

user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 18:40

I don't think the tenants caused the problem. If they are settled in an area and are offered a scheme to buy the house, of course they should accept. The government should have thought this through and replaced the houses.

OP posts:

caranations · 11/02/2022 18:42

Why was it pertinent to the discussion? Perhaps he was curious whether the OP's grandparents had a council house or if they had bought it from the council?

AlDanvers · 11/02/2022 18:45

I think it sounds like a discussion that wasn't really a discussion. Just 2 people trying to make a point.

2Gen · 11/02/2022 18:45

@GiantSpider

Why are some posters blaming the OP? He overreacted massively OP. Yes maybe you should have just answered the question, but that doesn't excuse him from shouting and sulking.

I agree and I would have wanted to know why he was asking that and all! I suspect it was because he was trying to set you up to make you wrong- if your GPs had bought their council house! That's not nice and the fact he's sulking still is very childish and manipulative. It sounds as if you are a quiet person OP? Does he often try to bully you, because his behaviour is bullying, especially if you are quiet? In your position, I'd ignore his sulks and just carry on as normal but I'd also be considering whether or not this was a pattern of behaviour of his, and if so, would I be prepared to keep putting up with it? Look after yourself first and foremost and do not allow him to get away with this nonsense! BTW, you're right! The shortage IS because so many were bought and not replaced! It's common sense to realise if you sell something and don't replace it, you won't have it anymore! He's being VU!

Original poster

user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 18:46

The question made me defensive as he talks from time to time about people claiming benefits and doing nothing. I do not agree with him as people are entitled to benefits and it is not so easy to get a job, especially if you live rurally or in a small town. I am sore about the 'skiving unemployed' as I really struggled to find work when younger, despite putting in huge effort. I had no contacts to put in a word for me.

OP posts:

AlDanvers · 11/02/2022 18:47

Sorry posted too soon.

Not sure why you didn't just answer his question. I have to day I get frustrated with people who want a discussion but only as they want it.

Shouting and sulking seems an over reaction. But I imagine if this happens alot, you get defensive or avoid answering simple questions when having a discussion I can see it getting frustrating.

But still feels like an over reaction.

Goooglebox · 11/02/2022 18:47

It sounds like a question from him that could have made you feel part of the very thing you were criticizing. I don't know if he meant it as a dig or genuinely interested. You seem very sensitive at work. In refusing to answer the question you were quite strong in your response. If he'd meant to have a gotcha moment that could have been frustrating. If a genuine question, perhaps frustrating and hurtful. I don't see why you wouldn't have answered the question except from defensiveness but whether that is because he likes to take a dig or not, I don't know Him hitting the roof seems out of proportion. Something about your post seems a little vulnerable and I think you could l should consider the possibility that he is coercive, especially given that you apologised when he was the one behaving poorly at that point. If this is how things tend to be between you, you need to think carefully about whether he is frequently doing this.

Original poster

user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 18:48

I sm not a bit conniving or streetwise so I didn't know if he was setting me up to be 'part of the problem', if I said my family bought a council house.

OP posts:

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