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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH fought with me for asking a questiom

203 replies

user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 18:23

DH and I were talking about the shortage of council houses. I said that part of reason for the shortage is the government allowed tenants to purchase houses years ago and didn"t build replacement houses.

Then he asked if my grandparents house was originally a council house. I asked him why he is asking that? My grandparents house is terraced but round our way the council houses are a certain style and my grandparents house was not in that style.

Then he started shouting and said 'how dare he ask this". He was trying to bring out that I was offended at being asked about the council house. Did I get it wrong?

Should I just have answered the question?

I am normally very quiet and sometimes when I say something in a conversation, a person at work may try and give a smirk.

In recent years, I am 50, I have asked people when I am unsure about something. When I was younger, people would ask me questions or say cutting things, trying to give me a dig. This is despite the fact that I would be sure I had not offended them.

OP posts:
ShittyFingers · 12/02/2022 13:39

@cheekychaplin

I'm a bit confused by *@ShittyFingers* first suggesting OP is autistic then having posts deleted for being horrid to OP Confused
I wasn’t being horrible to her, I thought I recognised her in real life and asked if she was that person which I’m hindsight I shouldn’t have named her. I wasn’t being horrible to her though!
Momijin · 12/02/2022 13:46

He's being an arse. The problem isn't that people bought their council homes, it is that they weren't replaced.

Rental prices are prohibitively expensive now but salaries aren't much better.

So for example I have friends who graduated in the 90s and bought their first house on a teachers salary. Houses that are worth about £400k or more now, they bought for about £30k. Teachers salary haven't changed much in 25 years.

steff13 · 12/02/2022 13:51

@Livelifeinthebuslane

OP's DH asks a question, she doesn't answer it in the way he thinks she should have, so he shouts and sulks. Unless there's a big back story his behaviour seems pretty unreasonable. Is this usual?
Maybe the back story is that she can never answer a simple question and he got frustrated.
TheCountessOfGrantham · 12/02/2022 14:07

I bought my house from the council. I don't care who thinks that was wrong. Mine was the only council house in the entire estate, a relic from when they had to have some stock on a new estate, and they approached ME to inquire as to whether or not I wanted to exercise my right to buy. I did, I bought at market value less my discount from being a long term tenant and that's great. It's not down to the people who bought them- they were offered the opportunity and those who were in a position to do so took that opportunity. It is down to the government not making good on their promise to build.

DysmalRadius · 12/02/2022 14:26

@user1471554720

I sm not a bit conniving or streetwise so I didn't know if he was setting me up to be 'part of the problem', if I said my family bought a council house.
So you refused to answer the question on the basis that you thought he was setting you up, but instead of discussing it, you told him (and posted on this thread) that the only reason you didn't answer was because you thought he should know the style of council house that is common in your area?

I though 'of course they didn't' would sound very indignant. I was puzzled as to why he thought that, when his second cousins are in the same estate and all families worked fulltime until retirement.

You also seem to equate living in a council house with not working, despite complaining that you think your husband is rude about people claiming benefits.

I have to agree with PPs that it sounds as though you attribute unkindness to others easily and then condemn them on the basis of what you believe they are thinking. I can understand why this causes you problems in the workplace and in your relationship with your husband.

ritamiller · 12/02/2022 14:41

You were right though, Thatcher and her policy of sell the houses off caused the shortfall. I don't get why people take offense or point out a personal thing when people point out a truth in an argument that is non personal against him which you did.

ritamiller · 12/02/2022 14:51

Then he started shouting and said 'how dare he ask this

Did he actually 'shout' though? I find people love to throw this word in alot when they recount an argument with people to help make them look the victim.

RobertaFirmino · 12/02/2022 15:44

I'm willing to bet your husband has made you like this.

I bet he's been wearing you down for years. Gradually, any self assurance you may have had has eroded, you began to question interactions outside your marriage. Meanwhile, the man you married is jabbering away about how everyone who isn't exactly like him is awful. About how everyone talks behind our back, about how people in the world outside your household are all terrible, nasty people.

Why does he do this? To make sure you don't leave him. If you stay with him, he gets all his gruntwork done. He doesn't have to give up 50% of his assets. He gets to remain 'respectable and married' and not like those dreadful single scrounging types.

Of course, I could be way off the mark and I apologise if that is the case.

Goooglebox · 12/02/2022 17:05

She seems very entrenched in her victim mentality. That's likely been a factor in her choice of partner.

Chichimcgee · 12/02/2022 17:10

You’re 50? Surely this kind of petty, irrelevant nonsense is not still happening at 50 years old? You could have just answered him. He shouldn’t have shouted. You both need to grow up.

Original poster
user1471554720 · 13/02/2022 10:11

When I was 'grown up' and let comments go, dh, and a few at work would become more and more nasty. Things got so bad that I felt I couldn't say 'good morning' without it being picked up wrong. I am not a victim. It is just the way things are. Some people like to 'have a go' at a person if the person won't say anything back.

The only way to keep dh and some at work in check, is to be very assertive and question something if they are making a comment and smirking to one another. It has certainly helped them treat me with a bit more respect.

Of course from time to time, a person has genuinely put their foot in it. I have been fine with this as I know there is no malicious intent.

OP posts:
grapewine · 13/02/2022 10:18

Well, you make him sound horrible. I wouldn't be hanging around if he really is that bad.

shaneTwane · 13/02/2022 10:27

@PhoboPhobia

I don’t know why people are excusing the DH shouting. Maybe he thought you were being defensive about your GPs house but that’s no reason for him to shout at you.
Maybe it's a repeated pattern of behaviour that op doesn't answer questions and then claims confusion during a conversation when a relevant question is asked.
ShittyFingers · 13/02/2022 10:28

Is there anyone you actually get on with op?

Original poster
user1471554720 · 13/02/2022 10:38

I get on with everyone as long as I am very quiet and don't say something which may be taken the wrong way.

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 13/02/2022 10:49

@user1471554720

I get on with everyone as long as I am very quiet and don't say something which may be taken the wrong way.
So no then?

Op I mean this kindly, if you must remain very quite in order for people to not actively dislike you, its likey you have a communication problem.

Of course some people are arses. But not all or even most people are. If you struggle with all or most people, there's only one common denominator.

If you keep writing it off as 'we some people are just like that and like to pick on people like me' it's never going to change because you are not addressing the problem.

Dillidilly · 13/02/2022 10:55

The only way to keep dh and some at work in check, is to be very assertive

@user1471554720, this sounds a very unusual and probably exhausting way to live?
I've never had to think about keeping anyone 'in check', and most definitely not my husband, because we love each other.
You don't sound very happy in yourself OP. Have you thought about some kind of counselling to unpick what seems quite self destructive behaviour? You must be on constant high alert. It's no way to live.

MermaidEyes · 13/02/2022 11:07

@user1471554720

I get on with everyone as long as I am very quiet and don't say something which may be taken the wrong way.

I'm sorry but this is just weird. I couldn't imagine living with such paranoia and mistrust of people.

ShittyFingers · 13/02/2022 11:20

I don’t even know you OP but from what you’ve written on here I know we wouldn’t get on. You need to change your attitude or accept that you don’t get on with the rest of human kind

Original poster
user1471554720 · 13/02/2022 11:32

I am fine with most people who are not connected with the bullies at work and not connected with dh.

I am hard of hearing and don't speak perfectly so sometimes people smirk when I talk. I try to be friendly and keep an open mind when I see people smirking at my speech.

OP posts:
ShittyFingers · 13/02/2022 11:34

God Jennie was hard of hearing too! You sound just like her!! It’s uncanny

ShittyFingers · 13/02/2022 11:41

Jennie used to constantly go on about having a big chin and would always link it back to royalty and say it proved that she was descended from the royal family and god forbid anyone disagree with her. She’d have you for bullying

Aderyn21 · 13/02/2022 12:09

This doesn't sound like a kind or loving marriage. The husband doesn't sound nice to me. Sulking is a very unattractive trait! Perhaps you two need some professional help to see if it's a communication issue or an incompatibility one!
Some workplaces are bitchy and one persons becomes the default bullied one. I don't necessarily agree that because this happens it's entirely due the OP's behaviour.
I think she sounds like someone who's been worn down and doesn't know how to get out of this situation. And isn't helped by a husband who goes mad if she talks about anything personal to anyone. And who seems very judgemental about people who have the OPs background - it would be hard not to take that personally. You'd only have to combine a difficult husband with a bout of bitchy behaviour at work (and people do demonstrate pack behaviour if they think they can get away with it) and you end up with a person who feels they can't speak at all without it being taken the wrong way.

AlDanvers · 13/02/2022 12:14

@user1471554720

I am fine with most people who are not connected with the bullies at work and not connected with dh.

I am hard of hearing and don't speak perfectly so sometimes people smirk when I talk. I try to be friendly and keep an open mind when I see people smirking at my speech.

So which is it?

You only get on with people when yih are quiet.

Or you only don't get on with anyone that's connected to work, dh or dc?

Because again, someone asked you a question. You answered. Now it's a different answer.

How many people do you know that are not connected to dh, dc or work?

Original poster
user1471554720 · 13/02/2022 12:27

My parents and friends from previous jobs are fine. I don't feel I have to edit myself. Also, I sometimes see neighbours from my old neighbourhood from before I met dh. They don't know dh and I feel fine with them too. It is such a relief to have some people, where I don't have to 'watch myself'. Dhs family are decent enough, but I keep an eye in case I tell too much.

I got a promotion at work over the last few years and am dealing with different teams. Some of the bullies are due to retire and new people joined. However, I still keep an eye at work and try to be as bland as possible.

Thanks for all your answers and insights. This has made me realise my dh and the few bullies from work are the common denominator.

OP posts: