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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH fought with me for asking a questiom

203 replies

user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 18:23

DH and I were talking about the shortage of council houses. I said that part of reason for the shortage is the government allowed tenants to purchase houses years ago and didn"t build replacement houses.

Then he asked if my grandparents house was originally a council house. I asked him why he is asking that? My grandparents house is terraced but round our way the council houses are a certain style and my grandparents house was not in that style.

Then he started shouting and said 'how dare he ask this". He was trying to bring out that I was offended at being asked about the council house. Did I get it wrong?

Should I just have answered the question?

I am normally very quiet and sometimes when I say something in a conversation, a person at work may try and give a smirk.

In recent years, I am 50, I have asked people when I am unsure about something. When I was younger, people would ask me questions or say cutting things, trying to give me a dig. This is despite the fact that I would be sure I had not offended them.

OP posts:
ShittyFingers · 12/02/2022 10:27

Not read the full thread but you sound socially awkward OP, any chance you could be on the autistic spectrum? (I am)

FinallyHere · 12/02/2022 10:30

. He still kept shouting and is sulking now.

I wouldn't want to share my life with someone like that? Are you happy, do you want to stay or is it time to start looking for alternative?

BuddhaForMary · 12/02/2022 10:30

And as Gin said, even on this thread you haven't given a straight answer. If this is how you interact with your husband day in day out, I imagine it gets a bit tiring tbh.

cheekychaplin · 12/02/2022 10:31

@ShittyFingers

Not read the full thread but you sound socially awkward OP, any chance you could be on the autistic spectrum? (I am)

Oh for fucks sake. Here we go again...

BuddhaForMary · 12/02/2022 10:32

I wouldn't want to share my life with someone like that? Are you happy, do you want to stay or is it time to start looking for alternative?

This is a question I'd put to OPs husband too.

ShittyFingers · 12/02/2022 10:35

@cheekychaplin what the fuck is up with you? Are you the thread police “ffs”

cheekychaplin · 12/02/2022 10:39

[quote ShittyFingers]@cheekychaplin what the fuck is up with you? Are you the thread police “ffs”[/quote]

You haven't even read the full thread so based on limited information (that is op answering a question with a question) you are suggesting she may be autistic.

There is nothing 'up' with me but I'm surprised you can't see how damaging this can be for autistic people. It's ridiculous and it happens time and time again on threads.

I'm not trying to police them thread btw, but I will stand up and say something every time someone throws autism as a reason for anything.

It's tiring, at best.

grapewine · 12/02/2022 10:39

@BuddhaForMary

I wouldn't want to share my life with someone like that? Are you happy, do you want to stay or is it time to start looking for alternative?

This is a question I'd put to OPs husband too.

Yes, this. If every exchange is like walking on eggshells, and OP can't answer a simple yes or no question, I'd be annoyed too.

This one goes both ways.

ShittyFingers · 12/02/2022 10:44

@cheekychaplin get off your high horse, I am autistic and I recognised traits in the OPs language and social behaviour. I’m allowed to ask a question which was directed at OP, not you. It’s hardly an insult is it.

cheekychaplin · 12/02/2022 10:47

[quote ShittyFingers]@cheekychaplin get off your high horse, I am autistic and I recognised traits in the OPs language and social behaviour. I’m allowed to ask a question which was directed at OP, not you. It’s hardly an insult is it.[/quote]

You are also not the thread police and you don't get to decide what i can and can't post.

ShittyFingers · 12/02/2022 10:50

@cheekychaplin no but I can stand up and challenge your shitty attitude towards a post I made that had nothing to do with you.

MermaidEyes · 12/02/2022 10:51

I'm confused why you think people are trying to insult you all the time? That's not normal. Do other people feel like this? You'll be walking on eggshells all the time with that kind of paranoia.

cheekychaplin · 12/02/2022 10:57

[quote ShittyFingers]@cheekychaplin no but I can stand up and challenge your shitty attitude towards a post I made that had nothing to do with you.[/quote]

I think you have completely misunderstood what I was trying to say.

It's not ok to suggest people are autistic based on the very limited information you had. It's not ok to use autism as an excuse for crap behaviour. That's damaging to autistic people. I didn't know you were autistic when I first commented but tbh I'm even more puzzled now that you have said you are. The 'are they/you in the spectrum' gets thrown about this site every time someone gets into an argument with their spouse. It's so so damaging for people to genuinely diagnosed people, like both you and I, for people to use autism as an excuse for shit behaviour. I'm not against you.

ShittyFingers · 12/02/2022 11:00

@cheekychaplin but her behaviour wasn’t shit, she sounds like she has issues communicating. She thinks everyone is against her and she couldn’t answer a simple question without getting defensive. I didn’t try to diagnose her, I simply asked if she could be on the spectrum as her social skills seem poor … as are mine (as I’m clearly demonstrating 😂)

DropYourSword · 12/02/2022 11:06

@user1471554720

LittleSnakes

Why didn’t you answer him?
I didn't answer because I thought he should know the style of council houses in our area. He should know that my grandparents house is not in that style. I already explained this in my earlier post.

Also his second cousins live 5 houses away from my grandparents house.

I felt he was trying to put me down by 'forgetting,' that all the houses in the estate were always privately owned. He sometimes says about council house skivers, which I don't agree with.

I think your DP sounds like a bit of a prat, BUT I would find it infuriating being in a bloody conversation like this! It would honestly annoy me if I asked a reasonable question I didn't know the answer to and instead of the person I asked simply replying "yes", "no", or "I don't actually know" they expected me to do an assessment of housing styles in the area and whether the style was similar enough to be included in the council house group! He got arsey at you asking him a question because you got arsey at him asking you a question!
TheApexOfMyLife · 12/02/2022 11:15

@user1471554720 I get it and I think people are trying to be deliberately obtuse.

You and your DH have different ideas on benefits and help from the government . You’ve had discussions in the last ans he has the tendency to make you feel small/put you down.
He knws the area where you, your parents and grand parents live VERY WELL.
His question was an attack. One that was ready to tell you ‘how can yu sa that when YOU benefitted from the scheme!!’ (Never mind it was your grand parents, not you.). It was an open goal for him to make a general discussion very personal.
I’m not surprised that you reacted as if it was an attack. Because it was.

And so was his reaction afterwards, sulking, not taking to you etc… I mean is that a proportionate reaction to someone not answering one of your questions?

My next question to you though… it sounds like you are walking in eggshells all the time.
Is you DH regularly putting you in the spot, trying to catch you and put you down? What else is going on?
Because it sure doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

Howshouldibehave · 12/02/2022 11:17

I didn't answer because I thought he should know the style of council houses in our area. He should know that my grandparents house is not in that style. I already explained this in my earlier post

Sorry but you sound like really hard work here! I’d just answer questions when your partner (who you presumably love and care deeply for) asks you one-I think it’ll make life simpler.

BuddhaForMary · 12/02/2022 11:19

[quote TheApexOfMyLife]@user1471554720 I get it and I think people are trying to be deliberately obtuse.

You and your DH have different ideas on benefits and help from the government . You’ve had discussions in the last ans he has the tendency to make you feel small/put you down.
He knws the area where you, your parents and grand parents live VERY WELL.
His question was an attack. One that was ready to tell you ‘how can yu sa that when YOU benefitted from the scheme!!’ (Never mind it was your grand parents, not you.). It was an open goal for him to make a general discussion very personal.
I’m not surprised that you reacted as if it was an attack. Because it was.

And so was his reaction afterwards, sulking, not taking to you etc… I mean is that a proportionate reaction to someone not answering one of your questions?

My next question to you though… it sounds like you are walking in eggshells all the time.
Is you DH regularly putting you in the spot, trying to catch you and put you down? What else is going on?
Because it sure doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.[/quote]
You've got to be kidding.

OrlandointheWilderness · 12/02/2022 11:19

Sounds to me like you were offended he possibly thought your grandparents were council tenants at some point. Not sure why but I can guess.

TheApexOfMyLife · 12/02/2022 11:19

@DropYourSword and younwoiod have been so infuriated that you would

  • have started shouting
  • told the other person ‘how dare you’
  • told the person they were just offended at being asked if it was a council house (insinuating that you had an issue with people who are living in council houses or own their council house)
I very much doubt it…

The reaction of the DH is telling you all you need to know about his intentions behind his questions. It was not a general question about something he didn’t know. There was a clear motive behind it and he didn’t like being busted.

ShittyFingers · 12/02/2022 11:21

Maybe he reacted so badly as he’s sick of OP taking offence to everything. It’s exhausting talking to someone who thinks the world is constantly out to get them. Just answer the fucking question, not everything is a “trap”

Original poster
user1471554720 · 12/02/2022 11:22

I was bullied when I started work on my current organisation 10 years ago. It gradually stopped after I moved departments. I just feel a bit careful around all work colleagues now. Also DH said that I was telling too much to his family and our minder. The minder has a habit of twisting things you say and adding in her own bit to make you look awful. The minder has made a joke of another mindees mother to us and others. I only talk about normal things but dh has a go at me if he hears anything back about us or what we are doing. He is private.

I was fine before I got married in workplaces. I am fine with people who are not work colleagues and have no connection to dh or dcs. I feel hyper vigilant with anyone who has a connection to dh or dcs. His mother told him something small I said in conversation and he went mad.

OP posts:
ShittyFingers · 12/02/2022 11:23

God it sounds exhausting

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 11:25

Op was offended that he may think the grandparents lived in an ex council house. She also decided that mesn he was saying they didn't work either.

Its only on MN do people think that shouting, on occasion, always equals abuse.

Guess what, loads of abusers never raise their voice. Some people raise their voice when they get pissed off, but are not abusing their partner.

If we view every behaviour through the lense of abuse, you could say op is abusive as well. Wants to start a discussion, bit only if it follows her idea of what it should be. Then twists, what's the other person says into something they didn't then plays the victim when someone gets pissed off.

Or they could bother be just a bit poor at communicating and maybe need to work on it.

Its really clear, op struggles herself, so not are why posters are pretending she doesn't. It's not really helpful.

AllOfUsAreDead · 12/02/2022 11:27

The house being the same style as other council houses isn't an indicator it wasn't one. My house was a former council house years ago, yet its not the same style as others in the area at all. It's also a small estate.

You could have just answered the question and saved the hassle. He shouldn't have yelled. You're both wrong and both need to work on how to communicate to people.