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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH fought with me for asking a questiom

203 replies

user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 18:23

DH and I were talking about the shortage of council houses. I said that part of reason for the shortage is the government allowed tenants to purchase houses years ago and didn"t build replacement houses.

Then he asked if my grandparents house was originally a council house. I asked him why he is asking that? My grandparents house is terraced but round our way the council houses are a certain style and my grandparents house was not in that style.

Then he started shouting and said 'how dare he ask this". He was trying to bring out that I was offended at being asked about the council house. Did I get it wrong?

Should I just have answered the question?

I am normally very quiet and sometimes when I say something in a conversation, a person at work may try and give a smirk.

In recent years, I am 50, I have asked people when I am unsure about something. When I was younger, people would ask me questions or say cutting things, trying to give me a dig. This is despite the fact that I would be sure I had not offended them.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 11/02/2022 19:53

It does sound to me that you may have some social interraction issues?

WonderfulYou · 11/02/2022 19:57

This is the main reason why I don't bother making conversation as I am afraid people will be insulted with what I say or will turn it around to have a go at me.

It sounds like you have some issues with socialising or you enjoy playing the victim.

If some asks you a simple question then just reply in a simple way.

You say everyone at work and your bf are ‘nit pickers’ and are the ones to blame but you have to realise that not everyone can be like that and you are the common person here.
Maybe try and think about what you can do to work on your social skills.

BuddhaForMary · 11/02/2022 19:59

I'm sorry OP, I still don't understand why you didn't just answer the question.

Re missing social cues etc, I have adhd and I do have to police myself a bit when I'm responding, especially if I'm unsure of whether someone is kidding or whatever. But if I'm asked a question I know the correct response is to answer it. Unless I don't know, in which case I say I don't know.

But it sounds like you do know, and he knows, so the whole thing is a bit odd tbh.

cheekychaplin · 11/02/2022 19:59

@user1471554720

I though 'of course they didn't' would sound very indignant. I was puzzled as to why he thought that, when his second cousins are in the same estate and all families worked fulltime until retirement.

'No' or 'no they didn't' would have covered it

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 11/02/2022 20:00

I don't think you said anything wrong. People are allowed to have a snap reaction and in this case, the OPs reaction was to question why.

I also think it's fine for the DH to be miffed as HIS snap reaction if he viewed OPs reaction as defensive, but sulking for ages afterwards? That's too much. No wonder you feel you can't speak freely!

Original poster
user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 20:00

LittleSnakes

Why didn’t you answer him?
I didn't answer because I thought he should know the style of council houses in our area. He should know that my grandparents house is not in that style. I already explained this in my earlier post.

Also his second cousins live 5 houses away from my grandparents house.

I felt he was trying to put me down by 'forgetting,' that all the houses in the estate were always privately owned. He sometimes says about council house skivers, which I don't agree with.

OP posts:
cheekychaplin · 11/02/2022 20:02

I didn't answer because I thought he should know the style of council houses in our area. He should know that my grandparents house is not in that style.

You are being ridiculous at this point. He asked because he either didn't know or didn't remember, which is completely fine. Who are you to be policing what he should know Confused

cuno · 11/02/2022 20:04

Yeah, you could have answered the question with a yes or no, but I think that's beside the point. He asked you a "gotcha" question to try and prove you wrong by insinuating you are part of the problem (but even if your grandparents bought a council house, that doesn't make you part of the problem), and now he's off sulking because it didn't go his way. That's how it comes across to me anyway.

Howshouldibehave · 11/02/2022 20:04

I will keep out of discussions with him in future in case I say the wrong thing, and I told him that

Don’t be such a victim.

Why not just answer the question with a ‘yes, it was a council house’ or ‘no, it wasn’t a council house’

BuddhaForMary · 11/02/2022 20:05

Yeah this is a load of huffy behaviour on both parts about absolutely nothing.

Do you always answer a question with another question?

Regularsizedrudy · 11/02/2022 20:06

Sorry if this is blunt but are you autistic or is English not your first language? I’m not sure why you keep bringing up the work interactions in relation to your argument with your dp but it seems there is some kind of communication issues going on. Of course this doesn’t excuse him shouting at you, that’s totally out of order.

Teeturtle · 11/02/2022 20:08

I don’t know why he had to get all shouty at you, but your response to a simple question was confrontational, snippy and a bit snobby - in the sense of how dare he suggest or even wonder if any of your family could have ever lived in a council house.

It doesn’t surprise me that you sometimes have trouble relating to people if this is an example of your response to a straightforward question.

Original poster
user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 20:11

WonderfulYou

I dom't play the victim because I don't bother making conversation with the particular people again. There are a few hundred staff at work. Most people are ok but there are always a few. I didn"t have any issues with jobs and making conversation in my 20s because I was very quiet, would speak when spoken to and would barely say hello and goodbye. I am trying to interact a bit more since moving jobs and having dcs. Since reaching 40s, people don't understand being quiet so I feel I have to make an effort.

I have a minor disability which some people act superior over. Maybe I feel a bit 'less than'. However some people are ok and I don't feel judged.

OP posts:
cheekychaplin · 11/02/2022 20:11

@cuno

Yeah, you could have answered the question with a yes or no, but I think that's beside the point. He asked you a "gotcha" question to try and prove you wrong by insinuating you are part of the problem (but even if your grandparents bought a council house, that doesn't make you part of the problem), and now he's off sulking because it didn't go his way. That's how it comes across to me anyway.

Why would OP be part of the problem? Even if her GPS did buy the house from the council that doesn't make OP responsible

Gardeningcreature · 11/02/2022 20:12

Bloody hell it’s not the fault if the tenants who bought the houses. It was the Conservative government policy which helped created an affordable housing shortage. In a nut shell, the government sold off housing stock and made it illegal for councils to build the same quantity of houses which they had sold. This lead to a shortage of council/ social housing. Private landlords moved in as lots of people tries were sold off to private investors very cheaply. Now this created an imbalance between supply and demand. This lead to the increased in private rental prices and the shortage of social housing which is with us today.

Hadjab · 11/02/2022 20:16

Im fact I think he, and a lot of the work people I am dealing with, tend to be nit pickers, always willing to take offence etc. I have apologised to some of the ioffended people at work and said I was trying to make conversation. I have only talked about work from then on

People often laugh when they are saying something but they sound very snippy. I know they are pretending to make a joke but that they found what I said offensive,/anmoying. If I ask them what the joke is, they go very cross

Sorry OP, but the above makes me think you’re susceptible to misinterpreting the reactions of others.

Staffy1 · 11/02/2022 20:17

What difference does it make that they were allowed to purchase them. Either way they would be in the that house or another council house.

Mo1911 · 11/02/2022 20:34

You didn't deserve him to go off the deep end like that, it was completely unjustified. What you said was innocuous, his reaction is ridiculous.

AlDanvers · 11/02/2022 20:36

I was puzzled as to why he thought that, when his second cousins are in the same estate and all families worked fulltime until retirement.

But he didn't mention work. Loads of people in council houses work until retirement. People having jobs wouldn't mean it can't be a council house. Loads of my family her and in NI had 'council houses' but also worked.

You seem to have heard the question, but then changed it to something else.

cuno · 11/02/2022 20:37

@cheekychaplin
I didn't say it would make her part of the problem, but to me it reads that's what he was trying to insinuate, as he wanted to turn it around on her. I could be wrong though, it was just my take on it as an outsider.

cheekychaplin · 11/02/2022 20:42

[quote cuno]@cheekychaplin
I didn't say it would make her part of the problem, but to me it reads that's what he was trying to insinuate, as he wanted to turn it around on her. I could be wrong though, it was just my take on it as an outsider.[/quote]

But how can he turn something someone else did on to OP? It's not possible.

Josette77 · 11/02/2022 21:01

Your dh should not have responded like that, but you also sound very passive aggressive. My ex mil is like this. Quiet and anxious and often feels picked on and attacked, but she reads into things that aren't there. It's a bit like walking on egg shells because she's so hyper sensitive. And when she feels slighted she'll sulk.

cuno · 11/02/2022 21:04

@cheekychaplin
But people do that all the time and often make those kinds of arguments especially when they know they're losing, I've had to deal with this myself being told, well your mum/dad/grandma/cousin/goldfish did x, as if we are some kind of homogenous mass. In context, to me it sounded like that's what he was trying to do. I'm surprised you haven't had to deal with those people, well happy for you I guess. Confused

cuno · 11/02/2022 21:07

@cheekychaplin
In fact, I had a similar argument levelled at me in a tribunal, it's just intended to trip you up.

cheekychaplin · 11/02/2022 21:18

[quote cuno]@cheekychaplin
In fact, I had a similar argument levelled at me in a tribunal, it's just intended to trip you up.[/quote]

I'm completely lost here. There is no way to trip OP up? They either bought it from council or they didn't? It's a very simple answer for which OP is not responsible either way. I don't see how you think there was any possible tripping up to be done

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