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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH fought with me for asking a questiom

203 replies

user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 18:23

DH and I were talking about the shortage of council houses. I said that part of reason for the shortage is the government allowed tenants to purchase houses years ago and didn"t build replacement houses.

Then he asked if my grandparents house was originally a council house. I asked him why he is asking that? My grandparents house is terraced but round our way the council houses are a certain style and my grandparents house was not in that style.

Then he started shouting and said 'how dare he ask this". He was trying to bring out that I was offended at being asked about the council house. Did I get it wrong?

Should I just have answered the question?

I am normally very quiet and sometimes when I say something in a conversation, a person at work may try and give a smirk.

In recent years, I am 50, I have asked people when I am unsure about something. When I was younger, people would ask me questions or say cutting things, trying to give me a dig. This is despite the fact that I would be sure I had not offended them.

OP posts:
BuddhaForMary · 12/02/2022 11:28

Maybe he reacted so badly as he’s sick of OP taking offence to everything. It’s exhausting talking to someone who thinks the world is constantly out to get them. Just answer the fucking question, not everything is a “trap”

Spot on.

Has no one ever lost their temper on MN then? Seriously?

My ex was abusive and he never so much as raised his voice let alone shouted.

Getting angry/shouting isn't the same as being abusive.

I'm sick to death of seeing that word used out of context on this site.

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 11:29

@user1471554720

I was bullied when I started work on my current organisation 10 years ago. It gradually stopped after I moved departments. I just feel a bit careful around all work colleagues now. Also DH said that I was telling too much to his family and our minder. The minder has a habit of twisting things you say and adding in her own bit to make you look awful. The minder has made a joke of another mindees mother to us and others. I only talk about normal things but dh has a go at me if he hears anything back about us or what we are doing. He is private.

I was fine before I got married in workplaces. I am fine with people who are not work colleagues and have no connection to dh or dcs. I feel hyper vigilant with anyone who has a connection to dh or dcs. His mother told him something small I said in conversation and he went mad.

Still not answering anything?

So you can only get on with people who have no connection to work, dh or dc?

But dh or dc isn't connected to your work? So you are the only one that connects all 3?

Your childminder, also twists thing to make you look bad? Really?

TheApexOfMyLife · 12/02/2022 11:30

I feel hyper vigilant with anyone who has a connection to dh or dcs. His mother told him something small I said in conversation and he went mad.

Is he often going mad at the slightest thing @user1471554720?
Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?
So you feel like you need to watch everything you say so he doesn’t explode over minute things?

TheApexOfMyLife · 12/02/2022 11:31

Your childminder, also twists thing to make you look bad? Really?

@user1471554720 is it you who think that the CM twists things or is it your DH? Because I very much got the feeling it’s coming from him rather than you.

ShittyFingers · 12/02/2022 11:40

So you don’t get on with people from work
You don’t get on with family
You don’t get on with your DH
You don’t get on with your child minder

There is one common denominator in this OP

As previous posters have said, the “abuse” thing gets thrown around far too much on this site, people are allowed to lose patience, even men

FootrotDog · 12/02/2022 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MermaidEyes · 12/02/2022 12:07

@ShittyFingers

God it sounds exhausting

Yeah, this. It must be really hard constantly being in a state of 'hyper vigilance' around people

melj1213 · 12/02/2022 12:21

I work with someone who sounds very much like the OP and it is exhausting - you have to be very very careful about what you say to her and how you word it as she is very quick to take offence/get upset and then makes working with her really awkward and uncomfortable, so people don't like working with her which then perpetuates the cycle further as she gets offended that people keep her at a distance.

Take the anecdote about complimenting a colleagues top - if a colleague of mine that I work with every day complimented someone else's clothing I might make a joke along the lines of "Hey, you never compliment my clothes, how bad must I be dressing?" or "X never compliments my clothes so either she thinks you dress really well or I just dress so badly that she can't find anything to compliment!" It would all be meant totally light hearted and in no way malicious or ill intentioned, but I work with people where we have really good relationships where we can make those kinds of jokes and snarky comments to each other and know that it will be taken as the joke it is intended to be ... except for the colleague who is hugely over sensitive so is then excluded from this kind of banter and then gets upset she isn't included

Original poster
user1471554720 · 12/02/2022 12:55

melj1213

Your colleague sounds like some of my colleagues, very quick to take offence if I am trying to make conversation. I know they are not joking about the top as they are laughing sarcastically and staring crossly at me. They think that by complimenting a colleagues top, that I am indirectly telling them that their clothes are not nice.

It would help if you read the thread as you seem to think that I am nit picking. It is my colleagues, only a few, but there is always a few ..

OP posts:
melj1213 · 12/02/2022 13:00

It would help if you read the thread as you seem to think that I am nit picking. It is my colleagues, only a few, but there is always a few ..

I have read the thread and you are nit picking.

If one person you encounter has an issue with you then they're probably the one with the issue.

If two people you encounter have an issue with you then they're probably the ones with the issues but it might be an idea to look at your attitude too

If many people you encounter have an issue with you then it's probably you that is the issue and you need to look at how you come across.

Original poster
user1471554720 · 12/02/2022 13:04

You got the wrong end of the stick and don't like being called out on it.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 12/02/2022 13:04

Your colleague sounds like some of my colleagues, very quick to take offence

No-it sounds like you are the one that is quick to take offence.

Original poster
user1471554720 · 12/02/2022 13:06

How am I quick to take offence...

OP posts:
grapewine · 12/02/2022 13:07

@user1471554720

You got the wrong end of the stick and don't like being called out on it.
Everyone seems to be wrong but you.
DropYourSword · 12/02/2022 13:08

@user1471554720

How am I quick to take offence...
Precisely like this I think
Millionairesshortbreadshort · 12/02/2022 13:11

It’s absolutely fine to answer a question with a question!! No idea why people are saying it’s not. Confused

ShittyFingers · 12/02/2022 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

melj1213 · 12/02/2022 13:14

@user1471554720

You got the wrong end of the stick and don't like being called out on it.
I didn't get the wrong end of the stick - you have issue with work colleagues, your DH, your child minder, your MIL and anyone connected to them in any way ... the fact you have issues with so many people and the main common denominator is you suggests that you are the person causing the issue.

As for being called out, I read the entire thread and have seen your snippy replies; ignoring of questions as to why you didn't just answer your DHs yes/no question with a yes or a no rather than questioning him and getting defensive; insisting your DH should be an architectural expert for a casual chat; the posts where you have expanded that it isn't just your DH you have issue with and everything else you have posted on this thread which is how I could be sure you were nit picking and therefore could challenge your assumption that I had not RTFT.

ShittyFingers · 12/02/2022 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Passtherioja · 12/02/2022 13:18

This argument is not about who lived where. I'd suggest you've got bigger issues in your relationship

BuddhaForMary · 12/02/2022 13:24

@user1471554720

How am I quick to take offence...
Oh, the irony.

No doubt OP now feels everyone on this thread is also against her.

Original poster
user1471554720 · 12/02/2022 13:30

I am not Jennie.

Dh regularly talks in a bad way re working class people and i often feel under attack.

OP posts:
YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 12/02/2022 13:36

@GiantSpider

Why are some posters blaming the OP? He overreacted massively OP. Yes maybe you should have just answered the question, but that doesn't excuse him from shouting and sulking.
I agree with this. The OP wasn’t shouting and sulking, he was.

As for the question itself, I probably would have reacted the same was as you OP, he was clearly trying to make a point and kicked off because you didn’t let him. Overreaction from him.

cheekychaplin · 12/02/2022 13:36

I'm a bit confused by @ShittyFingers first suggesting OP is autistic then having posts deleted for being horrid to OP Confused

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 12/02/2022 13:39

@dementedpixie

Do you often answer a question with a question? Was there a reason you didn't answer the question?
Why shouldn't she ask a question in relation to a question she's been asked.

Who says you have to answer any question? Just like ignoring the door bell or a ringing phone, it's entirely up to the recipient to decide how to deal with it.

She could have told him to mind his business, or ask why he thinks he's entitled to know the answer.