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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH fought with me for asking a questiom

203 replies

user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 18:23

DH and I were talking about the shortage of council houses. I said that part of reason for the shortage is the government allowed tenants to purchase houses years ago and didn"t build replacement houses.

Then he asked if my grandparents house was originally a council house. I asked him why he is asking that? My grandparents house is terraced but round our way the council houses are a certain style and my grandparents house was not in that style.

Then he started shouting and said 'how dare he ask this". He was trying to bring out that I was offended at being asked about the council house. Did I get it wrong?

Should I just have answered the question?

I am normally very quiet and sometimes when I say something in a conversation, a person at work may try and give a smirk.

In recent years, I am 50, I have asked people when I am unsure about something. When I was younger, people would ask me questions or say cutting things, trying to give me a dig. This is despite the fact that I would be sure I had not offended them.

OP posts:
CouldIhaveaword · 11/02/2022 18:52

Did he, his parents or his grandparents live in a council house? Is it possible that he thinks you are a bit of a snob? I'm not suggesting that you are, but the question seems like a test. And in his eyes, you failed.

Original poster
user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 18:52

This is the main reason why I don't bother making conversation as I am afraid people will be insulted with what I say or will turn it around to have a go at me.

At work if there are a few people and I compiment one person on her top, one of the others may say'you never said amything about my top, are you trying to tell me my clothes are not nice'. I would have been just saying something without thinking, trying to make conversation.

OP posts:
ToykotoLosAngeles · 11/02/2022 18:56

@user1471554720

I sm not a bit conniving or streetwise so I didn't know if he was setting me up to be 'part of the problem', if I said my family bought a council house.
Well, he was, I think. He wanted to go "AHA!" and then you made him feel stupid by pointing out that their Victorian terrace or whatever is clearly not a 1950s council semi and he feels stupid so shouted. Serves him right really.
peboh · 11/02/2022 18:58

I think getting your back up as you did, you came across as if you were offended by even the slightest possibility that your grandparents could have bought a council house.
It comes across that he was just interested, as lots of elderly people live in homes they did purchase as previous council tenants. Why couldn't you just answer and say 'no, it wasn't'

Original poster
user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 19:04

His family never lived in a council house. Mine lived in rural council houses years ago but always worked and bought when my mother was a teenager.

I apologised but I was very confident in apologising and also said that this is the reason I don't get into conversations with people apart from the basics eg how are you. I will keep out of discussions with him in future in case I say the wrong thing, and I told him that.

Im fact I think he, and a lot of the work people I am dealing with, tend to be nit pickers, always willing to take offence etc. I have apologised to some of the ioffended people at work and said I was trying to make conversation. I have only talked about work from then on.

I am quiet but force myself to be a bit chatty. However, it gets taken the wrong way and I have to just be cool and business like. I don't know if people, including him, are just trying to start a fight because they get off on the power of making me feel bad. (I don't feel bad I just apologise confidently and don't bother with them anymore.)

OP posts:
DiddyHeck · 11/02/2022 19:05

I think you both sound as though you have a few issues, so deep conversations like that are probably best avoided.

FOJN · 11/02/2022 19:05

I think you're spending too much time worrying about causing offence and then taking it to heart if people act as if you have. You said nothing wrong in your work example, you're not obliged to pay everyone a compliment.

Your husband has massively over reacted, do not pander to the sulking. If he wants to be an adult and discuss why he was upset he can but it's not your job to facilitate that opportunity for him.

You have a right to your own thoughts and opinions. You do not have the power to control other people's feelings and therefore cannot be responsible for them. Unless you are being intentional rude or disrespectful offence is taken, not given.

I think you might need to value yourself more and be more assertive.

TempName01 · 11/02/2022 19:08

Why didn’t you just say ‘no they didn’t but I wouldn’t blame anyone for taking up the offer’. You effectively shut down the discussion and if you do this often I can see why it could be annoying. Your description of the work situation sounds to me like the colleague was joking , do you have trouble picking up on peoples’ tone?

BuddhaForMary · 11/02/2022 19:11

I will keep out of discussions with him in future in case I say the wrong thing, and I told him that.

This is a bit petty tbh.

I get that you thought he might be trying to say your grandparents were 'part of the problem' regarding council houses, but I still don't get why you didn't just answer a straightforward question with a straightforward answer - especially as the answer is no!

Original poster
user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 19:14

I don,'t. People often laugh when they are saying something but they sound very snippy. I know they are pretending to make a joke but that they found what I said offensive,/anmoying. If I ask them what the joke is, they go very cross.

I would not banter with anyone. When I was younger, people would banter/insult me but be funny. When I would do the same thing back, they couldn't take it.

OP posts:
WorriedGiraffe · 11/02/2022 19:15

Sounds like you are the one sulking here.

Howdoisawwithnosaw · 11/02/2022 19:18

OP have you heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria?

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria#symptoms

WonderfulYou · 11/02/2022 19:19

It sounds like you started the argument.
You could have just said yes/no, why do you think that?

But I think it’s very odd he’s your DH and you can’t have a conversation about how you grew up.
So he doesn’t know and you wouldn’t tell him you grew up in a council house?

Theunamedcat · 11/02/2022 19:19

For everyone having a go at the op for not answering "the question" do you really know your grandparents finances? My grandparents were farmers I assumed Tenant farmers turns out they owned and passed it on via the family living in a cottage when they retired

Teeturtle · 11/02/2022 19:19

It sounds like he over reacted if he really did shout like that. But I don’t understand why you didn’t answer the question, there was nothing wrong with his question, it does sound like you were being a bit snobby “no of course my family didn’t live in a council house” kind of way.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2022 19:21

If this is the usual tone of your relationship, I advise you to leave as soon as possible.

SportsMother · 11/02/2022 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 11/02/2022 19:27

I'm so confused, is it you DH or someone you work with?

HollowTalk · 11/02/2022 19:28

@dementedpixie

Do you often answer a question with a question? Was there a reason you didn't answer the question?
But you are doing exactly the same thing here!
Original poster
user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 19:29

Thank you for the link. I don't get angry or have outbursts. I just feel sad when someone takes offence. I try to be assertive and try not to get into the role of scapegoat eg everything I say/do is stupid. I try to distance myself from people with this attitude.

I get on well with my friends from various previous jobs and my family as I don"t feel judged/picked on.

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 11/02/2022 19:29

Op, is there a chance you over think things and blow them up bigger than they are?

Its hugely unlikey that people constantly take offence everytime you have a converstation with them.

Either that, or you come across in a way you don't mean to. Banter is dangerous because it can easily go to far. Is it that people couldn't take it, or you took it to far.

I used to over think converstations to the point that I was convinced I had either made a tit of myself or offended someone. I had to do alot of work to overcome this.

Suzanne999 · 11/02/2022 19:33

If he shouted over a question and is now sulking, is he really worth bothering with?

Original poster
user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 19:41

DH knows I did not grow up in a council house. We live in the country down the road from my parents house.

My mother lived in the estate of 30 houses, one of which my grandparents bought. In fact dhs second cousins are living in the same estste, 5 houses away from my grandparents house. He does know where I grew up.

OP posts:
BuddhaForMary · 11/02/2022 19:42

So why not say 'of course they didn't!' instead of asking why he wanted to know?

Original poster
user1471554720 · 11/02/2022 19:51

I though 'of course they didn't' would sound very indignant. I was puzzled as to why he thought that, when his second cousins are in the same estate and all families worked fulltime until retirement.

OP posts:
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