AIBU to think that fat women are overlooked?

[Mylittleponyskinnyandbony]

I didn't use to be fat.
In my twenties I was slim - curvy but slim.
I could lie down and my stomach would dip in as I had so little fat on me.
Fast forward twenty years.
Add in three children.
Add in depression and emotional eating.
I'm fat. I get overlooked all the time in everyday life. I get judged all the time and not kindly neither. I look in the mirror and I'm the fat old dinner lady I used to make jokes about when I was younger. You get the picture. AIBU to think that fat women get overlooked - for promotion, for ideas, for their knowledge, for their hard work for everything they do. Just because they are fat. This post may read very bizarre if you aren't fat and once upon a time I would have eyerolled at this too. But now I'm writing it. So AIBU?

I agree. I’m completely invisible.

It's numbing isn't it, @RozHuntleysStump?
Crushing actually.

You’re not wrong. I lost a lot of weight in the last few years and it’s made me realise how poorly treated I was previously.

Sadly, especially by people that I know (relatives, colleagues etc).

(And that wasn’t meant to sound smug btw - I lost the weight partly through illness and stress so wasn’t the achievement people assumed it was)

Ive foud working from home in a new job a revelation, because i have a skinny face even if the rest of me is typical pcos issues. I havent had to fight to get people (especially men) to take me seriously and listen to me, it totally levelledthe playing field. By the time they did meet me in person they had already formed their opinion of me, so im not the fat frumpy person in their heads who they couldnt be bothered with

I used to be really skinny too so I know where you are coming from

I'm sure losing the weight took effort and energy and all sorts of amazing things on your part @JustLyra but isn't it a blow at the time when you realise that you aren't lazy, slow etc you are being judged for your clothes size?

I'm not sure really. I'm a size 22 and feel like I get treated very well both professionally and anywhere else. I am confident and well spoken so I'm sure that contributes to it.

I've never been slim so can't compare.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'm judged, but it's hidden well.

@Mylittleponyskinnyandbony

I'm sure losing the weight took effort and energy and all sorts of amazing things on your part *@JustLyra* but isn't it a blow at the time when you realise that you aren't lazy, slow etc you are being judged for your clothes size?

It’s a blow when you realise your opinion suddenly holds more weight (pardon the pun) with people you’ve known years because they now don’t judge the size of your clothes.

People are just so judgey.

Then again I get judged for the number of kids I have even more than size so people just take any opportunity to look down on others I think.

Yes I was treated very differently when I was obese. Instant disrespect in some cases. It was very hurtful. My theory is that people subconsciously see greed and a lack of control and are put off, thinking those characteristics will show in other areas.

You need to tackle your depression and emotional eating before putting pressure on yourself to lose weight. It may happen when you look into those issues and why you feel the way you do.

I am a couple of stone overweight, but I don't feel like I am overlooked. My ideas are definitely not undervalued or anything like that. I'm the same me as I always was, just older and wiser - and also wider 🤣.

But my weight does not define me. If others don't like it, fuck'em. It's of no consequence to me.

There was another thread earlier about a woman in her 40s feeling invisible.

I find it quite sad that some of us older women seem to put all their stock into how they are perceived by others. Their looks, their weight, wrinkles, etc.

Hopefully you can get some assistance to work on building confidence and self-esteem, from the inside and then the outside.

I lost weight through illness also. I find it such an insult that people tell me how much better i look. I didn't look bad then thank you very much.

That's basically telling me I used to look awful and they wouldn't have said that to me then.

Do they think it's a compliment?

@Toomanyradishes it's great that you had that opportunity but also why should you need it?! I know I need to lose weight for lots of reasons I just think it's awful that we (society in general) are being encouraged to accept people who identify as a certain gender but we still victimise the fat ones. It seems madness to me. Sorry if that's an offensive example but the point I'm making is that if we have moved forward so much that we take other people's words for what their gender and pronouns are then why am I still discriminated against for being overweight? People don't know why I'm overweight and they don't care. It's a silent judgement that no one would admit to. I'm human too.

You’re not wrong OP, but as a formerly fat person that people like you used to make jokes about, I’m not getting the violin out.

This is the cause of so much self-sabotaging for me.
Family (parents, siblings) treat me better when I’m thinner. Coworkers act like I’m better qualified. Instead of feeling happy that I’ve lost weight I end up pissed off that so many people around me are shallow arseholes, I start disliking them then the stress makes it difficult not to comfort eat.

YANBU

@premiumcogd I think you've got the nail on the head there - people assume they are complimenting you.

I got very ill after a miscarriage and I didn't eat, sleep or look after myself at all and as a result I slimmed down very, very briefly. I was met with very cheery remarks about how I looked thinner, was I on a diet etc and I barely keeping my head above water due to the miscarriage. I think some people would rather see you and have you look ill than be healthy and overweight if there's such a thing? I don't even know any more.

@LovejoysVase positive reinforcement isn't it?

I’ve been fat for a long time.

I am not invisible.

I’m popular, outgoing, have a raft of friends, am well respected at work, paid well and have a husband that people often look dumbfounded at as he’s an 8 and I’m a 4 (looks wise - I’m an 11 in everything else).

People largely treat you the way you expect to be treated. I expect to be treated well and if I’m not I have no problem dealing with it.

Interesting comparison with gender, which has got me thinking.

People often use fat as a political prodding stick - we can’t accept you like you are because it’s unhealthy, we can’t be seen to glorify being overweight because heaven forbid fat could ever be seen as normal.

On the other hand health outcomes for transgender people aren’t so great - body damage from surgeries with unacceptably high complication rates, effects of puberty blockers and cross sex hormones, yet mention this and you’re transphobic.

Being fat is not a choice. It’s incredibly difficult to lose weight when battling with mental demons.

@TheLeadbetterLife my comment about this was something I joked about when I was very much younger - in my childhood. Childhood. Early primary school age. When those kind of things were said. Not in adulthood. I'm not a bully.

I posted on a thread that it has been found that gut bacteria are causing obesity and addictive eating for many and I was told it’s pathetic that people don’t take responsibility I’m not fat as I barely eat carbs and do intermittent fasting but I don’t judge fat people negatively but there’s a big social stigma, I think. In the US there are so many super-obese people though and that can’t be a pleasant way to live? But I don’t judge them. Many people use addiction to deal with stress caused by trauma. Considering there’s hardly anyone taking mental health seriously in thus country, it’s not really surprising that people are self medicating in any way they can.

I totally get you. I feel completely invisible despite taking up much more room than others... I feel like people just don't see me. My face is okay but all people see is fat.

@LovejoysVase Gut bacteria have been implicated in obesity and addictive eating. There’s videos on YouTube about it.

[quote Mylittleponyskinnyandbony]@TheLeadbetterLife my comment about this was something I joked about when I was very much younger - in my childhood. Childhood. Early primary school age. When those kind of things were said. Not in adulthood. I'm not a bully.[/quote]
They weren't said by me, even in my childhood. And they hurt me, when I was very much younger, when people made those jokes. And we fatties could hear the jokes, and see when people were taking the piss.

@LovejoysVase I hesitated using that example as I was scared but the point is that I don't see myself as a fat, lazy, gluttonous pig and others might do. Just as certain people may see themselves as a different gender than how others may. I'm simply saying that if we can honour those rights why can't we honour other rights? I don't want to be fat, I don't like being fat, I'm on two lots of medication which are clinically proven to increase appetite and/or weight gain. I'm fighting against a scientific reaction. I don't choose to be fat. I need to be medicated though. No one cares they just see a fat old woman. That's my point.