AIBU to think that fat women are overlooked?

[Mylittleponyskinnyandbony]

I didn't use to be fat.
In my twenties I was slim - curvy but slim.
I could lie down and my stomach would dip in as I had so little fat on me.
Fast forward twenty years.
Add in three children.
Add in depression and emotional eating.
I'm fat. I get overlooked all the time in everyday life. I get judged all the time and not kindly neither. I look in the mirror and I'm the fat old dinner lady I used to make jokes about when I was younger. You get the picture. AIBU to think that fat women get overlooked - for promotion, for ideas, for their knowledge, for their hard work for everything they do. Just because they are fat. This post may read very bizarre if you aren't fat and once upon a time I would have eyerolled at this too. But now I'm writing it. So AIBU?

Yes and no.

I have been fat most of my life, sometimes at the smaller end of fat (when my diet was horrendous, and I drank like a fish) but ive never been below a size 16 and am now size 22/24 and 5 foot 9.

I do not think of myself as invisible because I do not think I look bad. I dress in clothes that make me happy and feel great, I am confident. I have a successful career in a cool industry, a husband who loves the socks off me, brilliant friends and an incredible toddler. If I sound smug, then I am. Self confidence and love has taken me a long time to get to, always thinking that being thin was some kind of magic potion. It isn't. I do exercise that makes me feel great inside, and eat what I want, pretty much. I eat what makes me feel good. Sometimes thats ice cream and sometimes thats vegetables. I do not moralise food.

BUT - do I sometimes use the being an older fat women to my advantage? Absolutely. If I want o be left alone, its like a shield!

Perhaps this is karma for making fun of fat people when you were younger.

I've always been overweight, and had people like you make fun of me, but I've never been overlooked because despite the bullying I found confidence.

I hate the way health care professionals treat you when you are fat.

Everything is always because of your weight, no matter what.

I have a disability which took almost 10 years to get diagnosed. At first they were all really helpful, full of sympathy and taking my pain seriously - I was a size 10.

As it massively impacted on my mobility and mental health I put on weight, and the healthcare professionals started telling me it was all because of my weight, that if only I ate less I'd be pain free. And they wouldn't believe me when I pointed out I was slim when the pain started (bearing in mind my initial weight would have been in my notes if they'd looked). So it couldn't have been my weight causing it.

@MedusasBadHairDay

I hate the way health care professionals treat you when you are fat.

Everything is always because of your weight, no matter what.

I have a disability which took almost 10 years to get diagnosed. At first they were all really helpful, full of sympathy and taking my pain seriously - I was a size 10.

As it massively impacted on my mobility and mental health I put on weight, and the healthcare professionals started telling me it was all because of my weight, that if only I ate less I'd be pain free. And they wouldn't believe me when I pointed out I was slim when the pain started (bearing in mind my initial weight would have been in my notes if they'd looked). So it couldn't have been my weight causing it.

There is huge stigma in the medical industry and fat people are often overlooked and denied appropriate treatment because of it. You are fully within your rights to refuse to be weighed if it isn't necessary.

I though you said you were slim when you were younger?

And bullying people for being fat when a child,wasn’t ok then and it isn’t now!

If I heard my kids picking on someone because of their size, they’d be in trouble!

I actually think kids are far more accepting of stuff like this tbh! Probably because there are now so many more OW kids than there used to be.

People always say this but I felt more visible when I was fat.

I think it was individual circumstances as I'm foreign with an immediately noticeable accent in a rural area with very few foreigners, and I arrived here with babies and toddlers speaking little of the language and made an almighty effort to become part of the community. Additionally not as many people are very obese here, especially women - and having more than two children is unusual too.

For years I was greeted by name everywhere locally and people went out of their way to be friendly.

I've lost my weight now - I'm a healthy weight or three or four pounds above. I just blend in.

At work I was always taken seriously I think, I'm not sure anything has changed there. But in my local area I feel less visible and less enthusiastically embraced since losing weight.

I've become ordinary, which is fine but I am always struck by how the invisibility thing seems to have worked in reverse for me!

It might be my age too - I was slim in my early 20s and got all the unwanted male attention and overly solicitos male bosses and senior male colleagues stuff 🤢 but who wants that…? I'm in my mid 40s now so age makes me mostly immune to that though the less pleasant sort of man is friendlier and more helpful now - again who wants that?

And you’re never the ‘premier’ friend… always the last option never the first choice and it’s not easy to make new friends either, people may be friends with you but aren’t particularly proud of it.

@MedusasBadHairDay

I hate the way health care professionals treat you when you are fat.

Everything is always because of your weight, no matter what.

I have a disability which took almost 10 years to get diagnosed. At first they were all really helpful, full of sympathy and taking my pain seriously - I was a size 10.

As it massively impacted on my mobility and mental health I put on weight, and the healthcare professionals started telling me it was all because of my weight, that if only I ate less I'd be pain free. And they wouldn't believe me when I pointed out I was slim when the pain started (bearing in mind my initial weight would have been in my notes if they'd looked). So it couldn't have been my weight causing it.

I’m so sorry to hear this! HCP stigmatisation against obese people is rife, and shocking!

Yep totally. People form opinions of you that youre lazy or deficient in some way because you're fat. I'm fat for the same reasons you are. Also was on anti depressants for a while and one of the many side effects was weight gain which is coming back off again at the rate of about 1lb a week. I don't have the space in my head to spend hours cooking and exercising to lose weight and to be honest it would be quite nice to not feel like a second class citizen just because I'm fat.

That last message to Medusa

Im not sure women above a certain age get much respect regardless of their weight.

Once you've had kids, youve outlived your usefulness and your opinion is no longer required.

I don't believe its purely about weight.

@SeenYourArse

And you’re never the ‘premier’ friend… always the last option never the first choice and it’s not easy to make new friends either, people may be friends with you but aren’t particularly proud of it.

But who are these friends? Most people in the UK now are overweight or obese by the official definition. Of those who aren’t, many are still a bit pudgy. So surely it shouldn’t be too difficult to meet people who aren’t going to judge you for being fat because they are also fat? Or do fat people also think negative things about other fat people?

@TheGoldenWolfFleece

Yep totally. People form opinions of you that youre lazy or deficient in some way because you're fat. I'm fat for the same reasons you are. Also was on anti depressants for a while and one of the many side effects was weight gain which is coming back off again at the rate of about 1lb a week. I don't have the space in my head to spend hours cooking and exercising to lose weight and to be honest it would be quite nice to not feel like a second class citizen just because I'm fat.

Agreed. Mine is complicated by an eating disorder when I was younger. So being pressured by doctors to keep records what I eat and what I weigh is so dangerous for me.

I had hyperemesis when I was pregnant and lost loads of weight, because I was vomiting 20+ times a day, and while I was on a drip in the hospital a HCP commented that at least I "could stand to lose a little weight".

What is wrong with these people?!

OP, are you feeling directly discriminated against?
I’m just wondering what has happened to you to make you feel this way!

For context, I’m in my mid-forties and whilst not fat (size 14 is my biggest size ever, am currently a 12, have 4 kids), I think the lack of attention etc also comes with aging and being an older women! This is not uncommon either.

You come across a bit woe is me to be honest! Are you friendly, outgoing, chatty and try to do right by people yourself?

Have you been on the receiving end of bad behaviour under circumstances above when you’ve been behaving normally?

And I don’t think that fat people solely should have to behave this way, just to be clear. I think most people could do with rethinking how they come across and their own behaviours too. This may or may not be applicable to you, but the tone of your messages makes me wonder how you generally come across!

I won’t go out of my way to be nice etc to someone, regardless of size, if they aren’t displaying nice behaviours themselves.

And I’m also a firm believer that most people, really don’t give a crap on a day to day basis how other people look. Why would they?

@RedToothBrush

Im not sure women above a certain age get much respect regardless of their weight.

Once you've had kids, youve outlived your usefulness and your opinion is no longer required.

I don't believe its purely about weight.

I agree with this!

totally agree. I'm 51 now but when I was 19 I lost 4 stone and boy did I realise what a difference it made to receiving attention, particularly from men! From a size 18 to a size 10/12. I realised how much i was 'ignored' before the weight loss; even from potential employers. Roll forward to age 51, back up to a size 16 and 'obese' according to the BMI charts, I haven't noticed any change in people's perception of me but maybe because as I've got older I don't care what others think of me.

Yanbu op. Twice in my life I have lost quite a bit of weight very quickly. Both times were due to trauma.
I went from a size 16 to a 12 so not even that drastic but I got so much praise. My mum treated me better(she fetishises being slim) and the amount of attention I got from men increased 100%.
Now I have put all the weight back on and Im back to being invisable. I have been told Im attractive but as soon as I get to about a size 16 that doesnt seem to count anymore.

Are you really surprised that more men found you more attractive when you were a healthy weight?

Humans are animals and they will assess potential mates subconsciously for their healthiness to reproduce! That’s hardwiring.

Hence why the waist hip ratio is a better indicator of appeal than is being a size 6 or a size 16.

You are far less likely to have a visible waist when you are very overweight due to excess fat, and it’s a visual cue of compromised health!

There are clearly men who like bigger women, it’s personal preference for some sure, but are people actually saying they can’t see why a person of a healthier weight wouldn’t be perceived as more attractive?

I’m neither fat nor middle aged so sorry if I shouldn’t be commenting (genuinely)!
But you seem to have so much else going on. Are you sure how people are treating you is because ‘fat’, or because weight gain is associated with other issues?

I remember feeling so out of place and awkward when I was a younger adult. I was petite, wore glasses, awkward and a mess. People always spoke over me. Bit of a mouse. I thought it was because I was small/ugly/not white/not posh enough.

A couple of years into work I got more confident, can hold my own and people are much friendlier etc, and listen to me. also more assertive.

Again sorry that you’ve had bad experiences and I don’t mean to demean anyone, I’m aware my experience isn’t really relevant but a lot of times things are related.

Isn't some of the attitude similar to the attitude to smoking.

There is a massive health risk with obesity the same as smoking.

And, although the issues are complex and involve addiction. The initial cigarette is a choice.

Once smoking its very difficult to quit but the health benefits are enormous.

The health benefits of not being obese are also huge.

@Dishwashersaurous

Isn't some of the attitude similar to the attitude to smoking.

There is a massive health risk with obesity the same as smoking.

And, although the issues are complex and involve addiction. The initial cigarette is a choice.

Once smoking its very difficult to quit but the health benefits are enormous.

The health benefits of not being obese are also huge.

This topic isn't to do with health?

One of the issues here is that the official definitions of 'overweight' and 'obese' are pretty meaningless. In fact the BMI scale used to be different and at some point it was arbitrarily decided that slimmer was better and the 'healthy' range got shifted to a lower range. Therefore, huge amounts of people are categorised as overweight when in fact they might be perfectly healthy at that weight. And quite honestly even being medically obese doesn't automatically mean you're unhealthy or need to do anything about it. It's just that authorities have slapped a label on a particular number and suddenly it's a negative thing that you get judged for.

Sorry that was in response to Comtessedespair's comment

"But who are these friends? Most people in the UK now are overweight or obese by the official definition. Of those who aren’t, many are still a bit pudgy. So surely it shouldn’t be too difficult to meet people who aren’t going to judge you for being fat because they are also fat? Or do fat people also think negative things about other fat people?"

I was wondering about whether negative perceptions of obesity are due to the health concern aspects

I’m fat. But definitely don’t think I’m invisible. I mean, young men don’t stop what they’re doing to look at me. But no one overlooks me. Young men and women at work chat away to me and are always respectful