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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that fat women are overlooked?

202 replies

Mylittleponyskinnyandbony · 31/01/2022 23:08

I didn't use to be fat.
In my twenties I was slim - curvy but slim.
I could lie down and my stomach would dip in as I had so little fat on me.
Fast forward twenty years.
Add in three children.
Add in depression and emotional eating.
I'm fat. I get overlooked all the time in everyday life. I get judged all the time and not kindly neither. I look in the mirror and I'm the fat old dinner lady I used to make jokes about when I was younger. You get the picture. AIBU to think that fat women get overlooked - for promotion, for ideas, for their knowledge, for their hard work for everything they do. Just because they are fat. This post may read very bizarre if you aren't fat and once upon a time I would have eyerolled at this too. But now I'm writing it. So AIBU?

OP posts:
GlamorousHeifer · 01/02/2022 06:25

Im not sure, I'm 5'9 and have been a size 14 up to a 22 and everything in between! (Currently a 16/18 for context). I notice much more male attention at a size 16 or below but generally I have always been respected (at least to my face!) and have never felt invisible.....tall large lady walking into the room, I sometimes wished I was invisible Hmm
I have always made friends easily as an adult which seems to be the holy grail on mumsnet and shock horror some of them are really slim!
I wonder, those of you that claim to be fat.....are you a short size 14 or an average height size 22? Fat is subjective depending on someone's perception of themselves which also makes a significant difference when it comes to answering OPs question I think.
I believe if you feel invisible you will be invisible, it's a self fulfilling prophecy! I am lucky in that after the years of bullying at school for my weight (the fuckers saw me then, wished I was invisible)I flourished at work and haven't looked back since.
On balance I think people's personality allows them to become invisible rather than how they look but happy to be told I'm wrong!

JustLyra · 01/02/2022 10:03

When I was a size 24 I didn’t feel that people were respectful of my opinions or the likes. Mostly people were polite and friendly.

It was only after losing the weight that I realised they were now far more respectful, interested in my opinions and the likes. It wasn’t obvious before.

SartresSoul · 01/02/2022 10:04

Not sure if it’s because they’re fat, I’d argue it’s a confidence and self esteem issue. I know when I was obese I had no confidence whatsoever so I wouldn’t command attention, I’d hide away from it as much as possible.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/02/2022 10:08

Stupid people are judgemental and not worth any headspace.

bjjgirl · 01/02/2022 10:13

To be honest from an outsider perspective (I am very athletic) I think a lot of it comes from your head safe.

When I am down, and my confidence is low I feel over looked, invisible, yet when I feel good and empowered I feel invincible

You are emotional eating, perhaps it's your head space which is making you interpret the treatment of others in this way.

Generally other people could not care less about your size and have their own stuff going on in my experience

bjjgirl · 01/02/2022 10:15

Regarding the comments on weight loss, my weight can dip if I'm heading to competition (I have to weigh in before I compete think mma type sport) and I get basic insults, that I look I'll, I don't thou it's just people struggle to cheer you on when they can no longer compete with you

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 01/02/2022 10:19

Prefaced that I'm slim so I can't comment on how you feel - and how you feel is valid. If you feel invisible that's really sad and likely a very true reflection on how you've been treated.

What I would say though, is I know lots of larger ladies who have excelled in my workplace. Most of my managers have been size 14-18.

More than size, I think ones own confidence has a bigger part to play. If you feel fat, embarrassed, insecure, judged, then you are more likely to be judged. If you feel confiden, worthy, valuable then people will perceive you like that.

Have you always wanted to be a dinner lady OP? I would say use this feeling of hurt as a motivator to get out and achieve what you want to achieve. You deserve to be respected and you deserve to have choice. Don't let yourself spiral down. Be confident and look for ways to boost your self worth xx

DrSbaitso · 01/02/2022 10:20

Good looks are an advantage, no denying that. Still, confidence and self worth are also advantages, and you can have those at any size.

Your self loathing will come across to people in how you present and carry yourself and interact, and that will be at least as much of a disadvantage as any weight gain.

I noticed a marked change in attitudes when I lost weight, but it was only partly because I was a couple of sizes down. It was also because I was now dressing well and being confident with good self esteem and more outgoing...and I didn't really NEED to lose weight to do that, much as it helped.

Hoppinggreen · 01/02/2022 10:23

I’m fat (size16) and I don’t think I have ever been overlooked
Yes I had some awful things said to me when I was younger, when I was actually a size 12 but I dint think it’s affected my career.
I suppose if you were so overweight it affected your ability to do certain jobs or be what is considered “presentable” then it might have an effect but it’s never hindered me at all

womaninatightspot · 01/02/2022 10:24

@JustLyra

You’re not wrong. I lost a lot of weight in the last few years and it’s made me realise how poorly treated I was previously.

Sadly, especially by people that I know (relatives, colleagues etc).

I'd completely agree I've lost a fair bit of weight over the last six months and it's like all of sudden people see me again.
Chely · 01/02/2022 10:25

Fat or thin I've felt a bit overlooked.
I think the hardest comment I once got was on a night out. One bloke saying we should invite her along, she's pretty. His mate said yeah but she's fat so no. CF!!
Now I get judged for allowing my hair to go grey, so many times people have asked me if I've thought about dying it and the kids at school have commented to my kids. WTF is that about?! nowt wrong with my natural colour.

DrSbaitso · 01/02/2022 10:28

@Chely

Fat or thin I've felt a bit overlooked. I think the hardest comment I once got was on a night out. One bloke saying we should invite her along, she's pretty. His mate said yeah but she's fat so no. CF!! Now I get judged for allowing my hair to go grey, so many times people have asked me if I've thought about dying it and the kids at school have commented to my kids. WTF is that about?! nowt wrong with my natural colour.
I know it's really hard, but you must try not to let those comments get to you. The guy was a complete twat...you can't let idiots like that dictate your self worth.
FrangipaniBlue · 01/02/2022 10:29

The biggest thing I noticed after I lost weight was that people (men) are just generally more polite and do things like hold doors open, let you step on the bus/tube first etc.

But when I was fat I may as well have been invisible!

Avocadoandlemons · 01/02/2022 10:31

Being fat is a chronic debilitating health condition which impacts your fertility / disease profile and life expectancy .

So I think as a species we have evolved to judge it, as it's survival of the fittest.

katnyps · 01/02/2022 10:34

"I look in the mirror and I'm the fat old dinner lady I used to make jokes about when I was younger."

... definition of karma?!

RedCandyApple · 01/02/2022 10:35

Doesn’t this lump together two different things though - general respect and sexual interest? Plenty of people can respect somebody as a person whilst still not finding being hugely overweight sexually attractive

Yes sorry I didn’t mean to make it about that I mean people (men) started to be nicer to me when I lost weight, things like asking if I needed any help with my bags, helping me with my pram off the bus, opening doors, letting me go in front of them, none of that stuff happens when I’m fat, even if I’m clearly struggling people will ignore me (I don’t expect help anyway) but suddenly when I lost weight people would be jumping at the chance to help me but when I’m fat they pretend they don’t see me.

FairyLightQueen · 01/02/2022 10:38

@Toomanyradishes

Ive foud working from home in a new job a revelation, because i have a skinny face even if the rest of me is typical pcos issues. I havent had to fight to get people (especially men) to take me seriously and listen to me, it totally levelledthe playing field. By the time they did meet me in person they had already formed their opinion of me, so im not the fat frumpy person in their heads who they couldnt be bothered with

I used to be really skinny too so I know where you are coming from

Me too. My career took off throughout lockdown and I have had people speak to me like an actual human being.
Samanabanana · 01/02/2022 10:44

I've been slim most of my life but I'm currently fat after having baby #2. I don't see or feel any difference in how I'm treated. The main difference is how I feel about myself but I try not to let this effect how I am on the outside.

Ozanj · 01/02/2022 10:46

I don’t think well groomed, well dressed, beautiful and fat women get overlooked. If they did I would never have had a single date throughout my teens to thirties.

Ozanj · 01/02/2022 10:48

@Avocadoandlemons

Being fat is a chronic debilitating health condition which impacts your fertility / disease profile and life expectancy .

So I think as a species we have evolved to judge it, as it's survival of the fittest.

Actually women under 55 who are overweight to just obese on the BMI scale are not only the most fertile they are the ones who will be least likely to develop health issues. Check out longevity research - the benefit of going down to a healthy / overweight bmi only applies to women in their 60s or above.
GrumpyTerrier · 01/02/2022 10:56

Society just likes slim people more. Broadly being fat is associated with negative personality traits like laziness, glutttony, weakness and also being ugly. This would obviously then translate to how you are treated, bias over selecting people for jobs etc. You are viewed as less valuable, societally, when you are fat.

I have been astonished by how people reacted to me when I was fat vs when I wasnt. Due to illness I put on ALOT of weight in a very short time so the difference was extremely apparent to me.

It's very sad and very wrong, based on inaccurate assumptions about what makes people and keeps people fat. You even see it on here all the time.

Mildmanneredmum · 01/02/2022 11:02

A bit random, but as a reflection on commercially acceptable images, I've never seen a fat Barbie. Many other Barbies, but not a fat one.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/02/2022 11:02

Society just likes slim people more.

I think this is an interesting assessment, because it must also mean that fat people themselves make negative judgements about fat people: over two thirds of the UK population is overweight or obese and apparently, just 14% of women are a size 10 or smaller. This means that at least some of the day to day poor treatment, disrespect and judgement fat people say they experience must logically come from other fat people, since slim people are such a distinct minority?

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 01/02/2022 11:09

I know I'm not typical but I have had the opposite experience. My natural body shape is an exaggerated hourglass and I am naturally blonde. When I am a healthy weight I get snide comments (particularly from women) and have to fight hard to show that I had got jobs on my merits, not my appearance. I was taken much more seriously when I was fat.

Lolamento · 01/02/2022 11:13

YANBU However, being fat is not healthy so it should not really be celebrated. Obviously discrimination is wrong.

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