AIBU to think that fat women are overlooked?

[Mylittleponyskinnyandbony]

I didn't use to be fat.
In my twenties I was slim - curvy but slim.
I could lie down and my stomach would dip in as I had so little fat on me.
Fast forward twenty years.
Add in three children.
Add in depression and emotional eating.
I'm fat. I get overlooked all the time in everyday life. I get judged all the time and not kindly neither. I look in the mirror and I'm the fat old dinner lady I used to make jokes about when I was younger. You get the picture. AIBU to think that fat women get overlooked - for promotion, for ideas, for their knowledge, for their hard work for everything they do. Just because they are fat. This post may read very bizarre if you aren't fat and once upon a time I would have eyerolled at this too. But now I'm writing it. So AIBU?

YANBU except for being overlooked for their ideas and knowledge. I've never known that to be the case although I do know a lot of fat men and women who have less confidence due to their weight, so they're less likely to assert themselves.

I wonder if part of it is also connected to confidence and self esteem? As in, if you’re fat and hate the way you look, try not to draw attention to yourself, dress badly / frumpily in an attempt to “hide”, don’t carry yourself proudly, worry all the time that you’re being judged etc then your personality and visibility won’t be the same as if you were happy and putting yourself out there and give the general impression that you think you’re pretty great?

I can’t say I really have terribly many thoughts about other people’s weight and what it means about them - and most people seem to respond to me in similar ways so I assume I don’t give an indication of being judgey.

Yep, I use to go out all the time and men would constantly be looking at me or trying to chat me up when I was slim, as soon as I got fat I became invisible. Not complaining but it’s been noticeably different!

I’ve lost weight in the past (put it back on now) but whenever I have I’ve noticed people treat me better. And people will say it’s not because you’ve lost weight it’s because you have become more confident but sorry that is BS I wasn’t confident in my 20s when I was slim but it didn’t stop constant attention.

@RedCandyApple

Yep, I use to go out all the time and men would constantly be looking at me or trying to chat me up when I was slim, as soon as I got fat I became invisible. Not complaining but it’s been noticeably different!

I’ve lost weight in the past (put it back on now) but whenever I have I’ve noticed people treat me better. And people will say it’s not because you’ve lost weight it’s because you have become more confident but sorry that is BS I wasn’t confident in my 20s when I was slim but it didn’t stop constant attention.

Doesn’t this lump together two different things though - general respect and sexual interest? Plenty of people can respect somebody as a person whilst still not finding being hugely overweight sexually attractive.

I put a lot of weight on over lockdown. I have Pcos, and struggle with my mental health, over eating and lack of exercise has caused weight gain.
The difference in how people treat you is very noticeable. I’ve been called names, pointed at, laughed at, had men thinking they are being clever and sneaky taking photos of my arse…. All sorts.

I am not lazy, I eat too many carbs, and I suffer with mental illness. I am kind and generous, I volunteer a lot of my time helping disadvantaged children as well as having a disabled child myself. I am making an effort to lose the weight, but it is hard going and not a quick fix.

@Merryoldgoat

I’ve been fat for a long time.

I am not invisible.

I’m popular, outgoing, have a raft of friends, am well respected at work, paid well and have a husband that people often look dumbfounded at as he’s an 8 and I’m a 4 (looks wise - I’m an 11 in everything else).

People largely treat you the way you expect to be treated. I expect to be treated well and if I’m not I have no problem dealing with it.

He's an 8 and you're a 4, but an 11 in everything else?? What on earth?? Do you and your husband really rate yourself out of 10?? 😩😩

Yes. Absolutely. I’m fat and invisible. I lost loads of weight a few years ago, I’ve always been bigger and kind of was just used to being invisible. When I lost weight I was amazed at how “seen” I was; people were friendlier, more helpful and just nicer. Sadly I’ve piled it all back on and am back to being not there again.

I think I was different hen I was fat, rather than people treated me differently. I don't think I pushed myself forward as I do now,
as I tried not to draw attention to myself.

So perhaps my own behaviour made people regard me differently.

when not HEN!

YANBU I've definitely noticed since I've lost weight people are more chatty to me and smiley. It's like I'm a different person I still feel the same inside.

100% OP.

It's not just attention from men - it's the up/down glance from certain women and brief look of disgust before you are ignored. It's as if they believe they can 'catch' fat. Realistically, it's problem their feat of getting fat.

Seems like a projection of your self- esteem issues

I've never been thin (PCOS ,underactive thyroid, genes) but have never been overlooked or indeed unrespected No one would dare !

Welcome to fat world, mylittleponyskinnyandbony (interesting username). I voted YANBU as obviously it is true that fat people are looked down upon and I do think fat men are also despised. Of course there are always confident extroverts who happen to be fat and look on the positive side as some pps have said but I do not think it can be denied that fat people and women particulary are generally disregarded at best and treated with contempt at worst. Look at KloppsTeeth's post above where they feel the need to explain they are not lazy. Well I am lazy, always have been and also been fat since a child and was 'teased ' daily for it. Only fat one in a family where food intake was strictly controlled due to poverty and had it made clear by school, teachers and 'friends' and media of the day from a young age not to expect same social life and acceptance as 'normal ' girls because nobody wanted to be seen with a fatty.

Fortunately I always had an analytic mind so soon perceived that those who relied for self esteem on their looks and social acceptability would get a rude awakening if they lived to past middle age as it was clear how much youth was valued in women. I am over 60 so of course had no idea how developed and normalised the anti-aging industry would become. When I was younger it was commoplace for actresses to deny outright they had had plastic surgery to look younger but at the same time it was expected as was them keeping slim if they wanted to work. Has much changed? I also remember how I vowed never to watch Parkinson (well known chat show host in 70s and 80s for the younger readers) when he more or less directly questioned how the young plump Dawn French dared to go out to clubs and start a showbiz career in the body she had. She laughed it off but I bet she remembers.

I am a size 8. Three years ago I was a size 22.

I have an eating disorder now and struggle to not be thinner, and sadly part of the reason dont want to deal with the ED is the invisibility I remember from being larger.

YANBU

Bless you, I know how you feel, I was fat for a while.

You can lose it you know, and tone up and be fit. You will feel better and more confident if you do. However, do it for yourself, not to please anyone else.

@blyn72

Bless you, I know how you feel, I was fat for a while.

You can lose it you know, and tone up and be fit. You will feel better and more confident if you do. However, do it for yourself, not to please anyone else.

So the solution is for the OP to lose weight and not for the rest of the world to lose their shitty attitude?

@Merryoldgoat

I’ve been fat for a long time.

I am not invisible.

I’m popular, outgoing, have a raft of friends, am well respected at work, paid well and have a husband that people often look dumbfounded at as he’s an 8 and I’m a 4 (looks wise - I’m an 11 in everything else).

People largely treat you the way you expect to be treated. I expect to be treated well and if I’m not I have no problem dealing with it.

I agree with this. I'm been both fat and skinny and have been treated well or badly, according to what I will or won't accept in my life. If you refuse to accept poor treatment, you won't get it.

I'm sorry you have had this experience. As someone who has never been fat, I do not understand how you feel, but, I can honestly say that I would never look at someone who was, and think that they were any less capable of achieving anything than I was. I would not look at someone who was overweight and think that they were less appealing to others than I was. I would never look at that person and think they were worthless.

The world is not full of Katie Hopkins. Yes, unfortunately, there are a few cum stains who walk amongst us, and the media is extremely vulgar when it comes to the portrayal of what is seen as 'normal', all of which I'm sure you pick up on. Ultimately though, I'm an average person (I'm not talking size or looks), and I know lots of average people, and none of us have the time/inclination to think or believe that anyone who is overweight is less than capable than ourselves.

There are differet types of women who are classed as fat or obese,. It depends on their personalities,if they get over looked, or not. There has been quite a lot of chunky women on Tv programmes of late,, even on strictly come dancing., and cookery shows. they all have great personalities. and get to wear lovely clothes, and good makeup. And then there are other fat people, who seem to spend all their time eating everything in sight, have bad diets, and just give up wanting to look good,, and maybe overlooked as been said.

I think being overweight can have a big effect on how seriously people are taken - men too, TBH. Not so much just being on the heavy side, but being obese.

It's one of the few things where I think men are almost de-masculinized in a similar way that women can be defeminized in the eyes of other people and become almost invisible.

I do think certain personalities can overcome this much more readily but then, not everyone is lucky enough to be that sort of personality.

No, 1forall74, they are not actually letting 'chunky' women on TV now! Good God whatever next? But only the right sort of chunky eh? Shades of the Parkinson attitude I referred to earlier.

I can assure you that you’re not wrong. I had a GP accuse me of “sitting around all day eating bonbons and watching tv” when I was trying to tell her that she was reading my thyroid results the wrong way around. (I didn't own a tv and, and I get migraines… highly unlikely.) I received a very long lecture about how GP’s weren’t there to prescribe medically easy ways to lose weight - entirely unsolicited and off-topic. That assumption enraged me. I know how to read my results. I told her that she was offensive and Inhad come to discuss a medical issue - my thyroid diseas and those symptoms. She looked down her nose and asked which one of us had gone to medical school. Fortunately that pissed me off enough to ask her to print them out and I stormed into the other GP’s rooms and told him what she’d said and handed him the printout. My results were so out of whack that I was in hospital that afternoon. Bitch. Meanwhile, I have since lost the weight, and people ARE less condescending and dismissive. It’s not okay.

I lost a lot of weight at one point in my 20s and I remember being astonished at how much friendlier and more polite people were and how much easier life was - in tiny ways - when I was skinny.