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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think that fat women are overlooked?

202 replies

Mylittleponyskinnyandbony · 31/01/2022 23:08

I didn't use to be fat.
In my twenties I was slim - curvy but slim.
I could lie down and my stomach would dip in as I had so little fat on me.
Fast forward twenty years.
Add in three children.
Add in depression and emotional eating.
I'm fat. I get overlooked all the time in everyday life. I get judged all the time and not kindly neither. I look in the mirror and I'm the fat old dinner lady I used to make jokes about when I was younger. You get the picture. AIBU to think that fat women get overlooked - for promotion, for ideas, for their knowledge, for their hard work for everything they do. Just because they are fat. This post may read very bizarre if you aren't fat and once upon a time I would have eyerolled at this too. But now I'm writing it. So AIBU?

OP posts:
Namelessnancy · 01/02/2022 14:19

The podcast Maintenance Phase covers loads of this stuff about the perception of overweight and obesity and I'd really recommend a listen. One of the presenters (Aubrey Gordon) has written a book I really enjoyed too - "what we don't talk about when we talk about fat". Interesting stuff.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 01/02/2022 14:19

Well you can tell what my school was like! Although I have just asked DH who went to a very different school, and two friends from different schools and they used to sing it there as well. This was the 80s (and I remember it being offensive at the time but they still sang it)

(I really hope I don't offend anyone with it, it's really not my intention and I'm not condoning it all, quite the opposite). When my consultant used it I was shocked and queried it, but apparently it's still in use by medical professionals when relating to muscle spasms.

(Anyway apologies I don't want to derail the thread but I think @Mylittleponyskinnyandbony may want to name change.

RedCandyApple · 01/02/2022 14:20

@5128gap

Wow. Those lyrics are not the ones I know to that rhyme which was something to do with the pony falling into a fire and melting? The boys used to tease the girls who had the ponies with it. I've never heard the ones quoted.
Neither have I, Its not the version I’ve heard either
WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 01/02/2022 14:21

@ComtesseDeSpair I never heard that version! Maybe there are lots of My Little Pony songs!

I'll bow out, as I said I don't want to derail the thread and I apologise if OP wasn't using it in that context - I suppose I am sensitive from my own experiences so perhaps I over reacted.

Loopytiles · 01/02/2022 14:23

Oh I like ‘Maintenance Phase’ too! Namelessnancy.

A couple of years ago I dieted and lost weight because I felt my weight - although ‘only’ just into the BMI ‘overweight’ category - contributed to being ‘pigeon holed’ at work with respect to job content, promotion and so on. Sexism, ageism and bias.

MedusasBadHairDay · 01/02/2022 14:24

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles

Well you can tell what my school was like! Although I have just asked DH who went to a very different school, and two friends from different schools and they used to sing it there as well. This was the 80s (and I remember it being offensive at the time but they still sang it)

(I really hope I don't offend anyone with it, it's really not my intention and I'm not condoning it all, quite the opposite). When my consultant used it I was shocked and queried it, but apparently it's still in use by medical professionals when relating to muscle spasms.

(Anyway apologies I don't want to derail the thread but I think @Mylittleponyskinnyandbony may want to name change.

The rhymes are often regional, so if you all be up in the same(ish) area then that would make sense.

I'm not sure we ever bothered finishing the rhyme where I lived, have googled and none of the variations sound familiar.

Loopytiles · 01/02/2022 14:24

I did notice changes in how people treat me. I changed very little about my behaviour, my confidence levels were similar etc. V annoying!

Helpel · 01/02/2022 14:25

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles not really relevant to the thread but our version of that song was:
My little pony, skinny and boney, sat on the grass, licking her ass!
Nowhere near as offensive - or is it?!

Quincythequince · 01/02/2022 14:27

@TheGoldenWolfFleece

For someone who isn’t actually fat you aren’t half dominating this thread, @Quincythequince.

Isn't he/she just. Same old, same old. We try and talk about something we have experienced there's always someone out there shouting over us that we are wrong.

Nowhere have I said anyone is wrong and neither have I shouted. So this isn’t true! I do believe there’s a lot of exaggeration on here. When people don’t roll over and automatically agree with someone, then people say it’s because they’re fat that they’re not being agreed with, rather than because they might be wrong!

Many on here care far more about their appearance than other people would even care to notice.

70% of the adult population is ow or ob! You are not a minority group, and neither are the other 30% healthy weight, all arseholes who are treating you badly! The implication for that is there, and it’s objectionable and wrong!

I bet you the average person on this thread spends far more time looking at, and judging peoples bodies than I do.

No one persons experience is indicative of all. not mine! Not yours!

And Fat people aren’t just judged on their appearance you know. You can be fat and arrogant, rude and unkind. Those three other things are what I would judge someone on, I don’t care if you’re size 12 or size 22. A dickhead is a just that!

And by the way, people who aren’t fat, are also judged on their appearance and other things too. Middle aged women are judged for a whole bunch of reasons, their weight is just one of them!

Unless someone is explicitly being told that their negative treatment is because they’re fat, then there are other things at play!

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 01/02/2022 14:28

Sorry I seem to have derailed the thread, not my intention! Probably worthy of another MLP rhyme thread elsewhere.

Again apologies @Mylittleponyskinnyandbony but you may want to NC in case other people make the reference as it's awful. (I loved MLPs but never talked about them at school as I hated the rhyme so much)

Graphista · 01/02/2022 14:28

You've just noticed?!

I too was a skinny young thing back in the day. But even then I noticed how those who weren't slim were treated.

@Toomanyradishes for me with the pandemic it was having hcps FINALLY not attribute EVERY ailment to my weight! I even finally got a correct diagnosis for something I'd had for years!

You're right op Fatism is one of the last acceptable prejudices - mental illness is another though and other forms of disablism and I think they are linked in their roots.

I tend to lose weight most easily when I'm very ill mentally! So yes the compliments aren't really!

Conversely it's made it harder for me to lose weight when I'm doing better mentally as I and my loved ones link my eating/eating well to my being mentally well too

@AutomaticMoon you're right but with USA and increasingly uk it's food environment too manufacturers and retailers want us buying and eating more and more and they're very good (and put a LOT of money into learning how to) at persuading us!

I'm on two lots of medication which are clinically proven to increase appetite and/or weight gain.

Same - which my hcps frequently forget/ignore!

Add in peri-meno, mental illness and a physical disability (ironically invisible!)...

@MedusasBadHairDay I hear ya!

HCP stigmatisation against obese people is rife, and shocking!

It is. I'm firmly of the opinion that many overweight people have conditions contributing to their being overweight that are going undiagnosed because of this prejudice.

There's even starting to come out some research that appears to show that diabetes type 2 CAUSES people to be overweight not that it's caused BY people being overweight - strong genetic factors

@RedCandyApple plenty of research shows that those who are "conventionally attractive" fare better in life in MANY ways - jobs, housing, romance even if they're up on a criminal charge! Better looking people are less likely to be convicted and if convicted tend to get more lenient sentences!!

@ComtesseDeSpair what is sexually attractive varies culturally though so it's not entirely on being a healthy weight in some parts of the world the overweight are considered very attractive and even within western culture there are people who love larger people. My brothers best friend is attracted to larger women generally.

@tomorrowalready Emma Thompson has been commenting recently on the pressures for actresses. She's appearing nude in a new film at the age of 62 and has been saying how it's "challenging"

Basically it comes down to sexism yet again as while men experience it I’ve never seen it to the same extent.

Agree

@1forAll74 I can't believe you posted that offensive tripe!!

We overweight women are individual people not "types" based on whether we are "good fatties" or "bad fatties." Wtf!!

I wonder, those of you that claim to be fat.....are you a short size 14 or an average height size 22?

Short (5'2") size 18 currently! 24 at my largest. Lost 1.5 stone from June to December last year with a lot of support on a long running thread on here. Had major issues recently with Mh due to circumstances outside my control. Gained 1/2 stone back! Need to get back in healthier habits but it's REALLY hard when you're very stressed, not up to cooking etc (I wouldn't be safe!)

More than size, I think ones own confidence has a bigger part to play. If you feel fat, embarrassed, insecure, judged, then you are more likely to be judged

You really don't understand that societal attitudes have a part to play here?

you can't let idiots like that dictate your self worth.

That's a lot easier said than done! Especially when such attitudes are so prevalent!

@PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat I have to admit, when I was young and slim and considered conventionally attractive, I'm also fair in colouring and chose to be blonde at this time and I got the "dumb blonde bimbo" crap too mainly career wise

Humans are animals and they will assess potential mates subconsciously for their healthiness to reproduce! That’s hardwiring

That doesn't bear out though when in our society the very slim are vaulted - fertility in the underweight isn't usually great.

@Dishwashersaurous you can't quit eating cold turkey! And as a pp said there is now a wealth of research showing food addiction could be a factor

@Quincythequince I wonder (genuinely) how much of the research that apparently "proves" how unhealthy it is to be overweight/obese takes other health factors into consideration? Genetic illness for example. Or if the overweight person is depressed or a smoker...

Ultimately however good the research it's really difficult to attribute an outcome to a single causative factor

And just because this is the area you work in doesn't make you an expert in the EXPERIENCE

Don't deny our lived experience please - especially as a few of us have noted the prejudice among hcps on this subject!

We try and talk about something we have experienced there's always someone out there shouting over us that we are wrong.

Glad to see you acknowledge how shit GPS are (and not just on this!)

you can't outrun fat phobia by being confident. That's actually a little victim blaming!

Agree

Quincythequince · 01/02/2022 14:30

@TheGoldenWolfFleece

For someone who isn’t actually fat you aren’t half dominating this thread, @Quincythequince.

Isn't he/she just. Same old, same old. We try and talk about something we have experienced there's always someone out there shouting over us that we are wrong.

And you clearly haven’t read my posts properly Golden

I suggest you avail yourself of then before commenting in such a manner!

ScrumptiousBears · 01/02/2022 14:35

I thought its was because I was getting older that I was pretty much invisible. I hadn't thought it because I'm fat. 🤔

Quincythequince · 01/02/2022 14:35

Graphista I never called myself an expert, I said I had a professional interest!

I got to size 14, it was fat for me and I didn’t like it, but that in no way compares it to those experiences of someone much larger! I realise that and have never drawn that comparison.

Re the science, it is clear! Very very clear and there is global consensus on the longer term impacts of obesity, published by multiple researchers around the world.

A quick Google of the esteems research centres would reveal this too.

And I haven’t once said anybody is wrong on here, not once!

eldora · 01/02/2022 14:37

I am overweight (11 stone at 5'2"), and I've noticed that people treated me differently when I was 8 or 9 stone and slim. My confidence also fell so that probably contributed to how I presented myself in my bearing which impacts how people treat me.

When I see an obese person, I don't judge them at all but I do tell myself that I need to get a handle on my addictive eating or that could be me. Maybe we're hardwired to do that as we instinctively as humans see fatness as weakness/illness.

ThanksItHasPockets · 01/02/2022 14:39

Do you think you could knock off a few of the exclamation marks please, @Quincythequince? I'm sure you're making some valid points but they make everything you write sound like the homework of an excitable eight-year-old.

Quincythequince · 01/02/2022 14:40

Graphista I have pointed out repeatedly the discrimination by HCPs. I work with them, it’s appalling!

And underweight in our society really isn’t much of a problem tbh. Most British women aren’t underweight (less then 5%), 35% are a healthy weight, 60% ow and ob!

When I say healthy weight, I mean just that!

Quincythequince · 01/02/2022 14:42

@ThanksItHasPockets

Do you think you could knock off a few of the exclamation marks please, *@Quincythequince*? I'm sure you're making some valid points but they make everything you write sound like the homework of an excitable eight-year-old.
Yeah, sorry. It’s a bad habit.

But what a silly thing to pick up on given the context of the thread! Maybe you can point out some spelling errors too 😆

ThanksItHasPockets · 01/02/2022 14:42

And on the subject of fatness etc - I lost a lot of weight recently but observed an interesting phenomenon when I was fat. I have what is stereotypically considered a posh accent and I realised that I could literally watch people instantly revise their judgement of me from how I looked to how I sounded when I opened my mouth to speak. Absolutely fascinating.

Butteryflakycrust83 · 01/02/2022 15:09

@ThanksItHasPockets

And on the subject of fatness etc - I lost a lot of weight recently but observed an interesting phenomenon when I was fat. I have what is stereotypically considered a posh accent and I realised that I could literally watch people instantly revise their judgement of me from how I looked to how I sounded when I opened my mouth to speak. Absolutely fascinating.
Ha this is interesting actually - I have quite a high and soft voice on the phone and I can see the visible confusion on mens faces who previously were borderline flirty on the phone as a five foot nine chungus in biker boots walks out to great them!
Loopytiles · 01/02/2022 15:55

‘ 70% of the adult population is ow or ob! You are not a minority group’

In specific workplaces (like mine, for example) with majority slim, young people, overweight people ARE a minority. And biases often interact.

MedusasBadHairDay · 01/02/2022 15:59

@Loopytiles

‘ 70% of the adult population is ow or ob! You are not a minority group’

In specific workplaces (like mine, for example) with majority slim, young people, overweight people ARE a minority. And biases often interact.

That's a fair point. I know that there was a noticeable difference when we moved from a largely middle class area to a more working class area, in the former I stood out, in the latter I see a lot more women who look like me.
Arnia · 01/02/2022 15:59

YANBU. I was always slim until I had my second DC. My weight has fluctuated since then and it's been a real eye opener. I convinced myself it was because I was older but nope.

tomorrowalready · 01/02/2022 16:28

I have to wonder why so many hcps seem to treat their patients with so much contempt when they (hcps) are the ones dependent on sick/depressed/injured/elderly people seeking medical care for their living? Is this a missing part of their education? A few years ago I gad surgical treatment for varicose veins, the surgeon repeatedly pointed out they might return due to my weight. He also huffed and puffed at any slight difficulties during the treatment to the extent the theatre nurse was patting me to reassure me (Iwas not bothered due to the drugs). It crossed my mind to ask what he was saying to the other 2 patients to blame them for giving him work to do as one was my age and slim the other over 80 slimmer but having the treatment for the second time. I did not argue as he was the one with sharp objects and electrical equipment. But really do they not realise they need us ?

TheSnufflet · 01/02/2022 16:46

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles

Offensive words warning for this post!

I'm the fat old dinner lady I used to make jokes about when I was younger" 

Also, your username is the first line from an unpleasant rhyme from I was at school - and I'm ages with you so I'm guessing you're referencing it? I don't believe it's just coincidence  If you were the type of young person to make jokes about fat old dinner ladies I imagine you knew the rhyme.

*I'll put it in a separate post as MN may well delete if for being offensive, which it is and apologies for quoting it but I think people should be aware of the reference in your username (which no doubt you will deny!)

The rhyme/song was

My little pony skinny and bony
Made out of plastic
Looks like a spastic

But of course it is a complete coincidence this is your username @Mylittleponyskinnyandbony.

I'd name change if I were you.

Errr the rhyme is clearly:

My Little Pony
Skinny and bony
In their stable
Drinking Black Label

Your school obviously just had a really weird super-offensive version Confused

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