Is this maternal enmeshment or AIBU?

[disco82]

Have noticed lots of odd things in the relationship between my bf and his mother, that I have tried to ignore. But am beginning to question if they are unhealthily enmeshed or AIBU? Examples:

1. He has never moved away from home and is late 30s. Has only now put down an offer on a flat but it is down the road from mum.
2. She has never met me in 18 months, and I have never been allowed in their house. He says it's because she is embarrassed of how run down it is. However, one night when she was away, he took me over and the house was absolutely fine. Also she works with clients in the house. We have bumped into her a few times in the town so she does know I'm a gf.
3. Every time he is with me (and she knows), she texts him asking if he will be home for dinner or will be home that night. He says she is just checking he is ok. But I feel insulted she needs to check this when he is with me?
4. She still cooks meals for him and does his laundry. He can do these things himself as he does it when he is with me.
5. He is expected to pay for all house repairs and look after the house and garden.
6. I live alone but he only spends 2 nights a week at mine and the rest at his mums, even though I have invited him to spend more.
7. He once cut short our time together as he wanted to go home to say goodbye to his mum who was going away for the weekend. He didn't think this was an odd thing to do, but to me it felt like something you do for a partner.
8. I have no family in this country and couldn't go home to my parents for Xmas due to Covid rules. On 2 Xmas-es she said I couldn't spend it with them as she didn't know me well enough and Xmas wasn't the right time to get to know me. The first Xmas I accepted this as we had only been dating 6 months, second Xmas I was quite shocked. So he decided to spend Xmas with me instead, but still had to go over to hers for most of the afternoon, even though she had her other family with her, and I was alone.
9. He runs every decision past her, even ones he doesn't talk to me about.
10. He tells her all the details about what we do together/where we go - they have a ritual of going for a walk every evening together.
11. He admitted to me that she wouldn't be that pleased if he got married/had kids but couldn't explain why.
12. There are no photos of him or his brothers anywhere in the house, and he has no idea where they may be. Not sure it means anything but thought it odd given how close they are.
13. She and his dad got divorced 25 years ago but she has never had a partner since - not sure if it is relevant, but i thought maybe that is why they are so close. He also has 2 other brothers and they too have never left home and are in their 30s, but they are not so close to her, and don't contribute to the household expenses like he does.

There is absolutely no way that this relationship can go anywhere, so I would be looking to end things. I'm not sure what it's called, but it's unhealthy and unlikely to change. She comes first and there is no room for two women.

Please don't waste any more of your time on this relationship. Really, this will be your life if you don't.

Eww no, that would put me right off. It's nice when men have a good relationship with their mums but not to this extent. She obviously wears the trousers and he's too frightened to rock the boat. Sod that OP, I'd get out now.

Also what's with her not wanting him to have kids? That's weird isn't it??

It sounds like he has filled his dad's shoes, and he's going to need to go through something akin to a divorce before he can really have a proper relationship with anyone else. It's probably going to be difficult to get him to see that, let alone his mum.

...end it. You will forever be in competition with his mum for his attention. And he'll choose her every time.

My friend was with a man like this, when she asked him to move in and he replied with 'I'll have to see what my mum thinks' she knew it was time to dump him!
I don't think this situation will change and you'll always play second fiddle.

Well my DS lives at home, and I ask him if he'll be back for dinner or staying out overnight. I like to know how much to cook and whether I can double lock the front door.

does he compare you to her and moan that everything you do is wrong because his mum does it different or not as good as his mum.

RUN!!

Head for the fucking hills!!!!

So once he’s bought his own flat is she still expecting him to contribute towards repairs?

You are absolutely mad to be dating this perpetual man child. Honestly, op, what are you thinking? Get rid of him and find an actual adult to share your life with.

I’m surprised you’d be attracted to such a mummy’s boy.

@VelvetChairGirl

does he compare you to her and moan that everything you do is wrong because his mum does it different or not as good as his mum.

He doesn't do this actually and that's why it took me so long to realise things were a bit odd. However, he was talking about how excited he was for his new flat and the first thing he said was, "it'll be so nice to cook a Sunday lunch for my mum every week". No mention of cooking for me....

Having three grown men still living at home with their mum isn’t healthy. I know it’s expensive to buy a place but they could always flat/house-share with each other.

I think you’d really have a job getting him away from her clutches.

He's her replacement husband. You will see her every. Single. Day for the rest of your marriage if you go down that route.

Bitty springs to mind

@MooseBeTimeForSnow

So once he’s bought his own flat is she still expecting him to contribute towards repairs?

I queried this recently and he looked shifty and didn't reply. So yes, I think it's not expected as such but there isn't anyone else who can pay for the upkeep so he will be asked, and he can never say no. His brothers all refuse to pay and he had argued with her on how unfair it is, but also accepts he's the known soft touch so all expenses will fall to him.

Some of these are weird and some are totally fine. It's nice he's close to his mum, like going to say goodbye before she went away, that's totally normal?

If he can't stand up to her about money even knowing his brothers are getting a free pass on this, he won't stand up to her when she starts opinionating about kids/where you live. This is a total non-starter.

@Aquamarine1029

You are absolutely mad to be dating this perpetual man child. Honestly, op, what are you thinking? Get rid of him and find an actual adult to share your life with.

Tbh I didn't realise it was like this for a long time, because of Covid and not being out and about so much. When we met he told me he was living at home to save up and was completing on the flat. He also told me he was very independent from his mum and she left him to his own devices. Because i was never invited over, I didn't realise this situation till l i started piecing things together and questioning more. He's very self sufficient and competent with me, so it's been like finding out he has a split personality. He is so open about it all, and acts like it's normal I thought maybe i am overreacting and this isn't so bad. Realising now, it is...

Run OP. Quickly.

Yes, very enmeshed. He may be a lovely guy. But until he can put boundaries up to his mother, he isn’t going to make a lovely partner.

"it'll be so nice to cook a Sunday lunch for my mum every week".

every week

Run like the wind.