Is this maternal enmeshment or AIBU?

[disco82]

Have noticed lots of odd things in the relationship between my bf and his mother, that I have tried to ignore. But am beginning to question if they are unhealthily enmeshed or AIBU? Examples:

1. He has never moved away from home and is late 30s. Has only now put down an offer on a flat but it is down the road from mum.
2. She has never met me in 18 months, and I have never been allowed in their house. He says it's because she is embarrassed of how run down it is. However, one night when she was away, he took me over and the house was absolutely fine. Also she works with clients in the house. We have bumped into her a few times in the town so she does know I'm a gf.
3. Every time he is with me (and she knows), she texts him asking if he will be home for dinner or will be home that night. He says she is just checking he is ok. But I feel insulted she needs to check this when he is with me?
4. She still cooks meals for him and does his laundry. He can do these things himself as he does it when he is with me.
5. He is expected to pay for all house repairs and look after the house and garden.
6. I live alone but he only spends 2 nights a week at mine and the rest at his mums, even though I have invited him to spend more.
7. He once cut short our time together as he wanted to go home to say goodbye to his mum who was going away for the weekend. He didn't think this was an odd thing to do, but to me it felt like something you do for a partner.
8. I have no family in this country and couldn't go home to my parents for Xmas due to Covid rules. On 2 Xmas-es she said I couldn't spend it with them as she didn't know me well enough and Xmas wasn't the right time to get to know me. The first Xmas I accepted this as we had only been dating 6 months, second Xmas I was quite shocked. So he decided to spend Xmas with me instead, but still had to go over to hers for most of the afternoon, even though she had her other family with her, and I was alone.
9. He runs every decision past her, even ones he doesn't talk to me about.
10. He tells her all the details about what we do together/where we go - they have a ritual of going for a walk every evening together.
11. He admitted to me that she wouldn't be that pleased if he got married/had kids but couldn't explain why.
12. There are no photos of him or his brothers anywhere in the house, and he has no idea where they may be. Not sure it means anything but thought it odd given how close they are.
13. She and his dad got divorced 25 years ago but she has never had a partner since - not sure if it is relevant, but i thought maybe that is why they are so close. He also has 2 other brothers and they too have never left home and are in their 30s, but they are not so close to her, and don't contribute to the household expenses like he does.

I didn't know there was a name for it but it reminds me of the TV show 'I Love a Mamma's Boy' which I've never seen but get lots of clips from when I'm on facebook - lots of women putting up with men who appear to be in partnership relationships with their mothers and have wives/girlfriends (that the mothers inevitably don't like) on the side. It's horrible to watch.

You'll never get what you want from this relationship even if you got a bit more 'in' because you get married or have children. He won't suddenly be able to have a normal relationship with her as their pattern of behaviour is largely set. He'd be running baby names by her etc and you'll end up feeling like the bad guy if you say anything because there will always a wide eyed "it was just..." response The only hope from the point of view of your relationship would be if he cut contact to the bare minimum or not at all. But you can't demand that because a) you'd be the bad guy again and b) not your place.

Bottom line is as others have said - RUN!

Of course she doesn’t want him to get married and have children- he’s paying her bills!

Run

She will always come first. Always. And he is clearly happy with that dynamic.

Find someone who is actually available for an adult relationship who will put you first.

My good friend was in a five year relationship with a man like this. He still lived with his mum in his early 40s, he and his brothers all gave her money every month even though she was comfortably off. The dad was not a pleasant character and had died when the boys were teenagers, so I think they all still felt responsible for her many years later. My friend tried for ages to get him to commit, she owned her own house and wanted him to move in. Eventually he did, but would still disappear off every week to stay with his mum for several days and had so much of his stuff there it was like he hadn't moved in. She wanted him to look ahead to their future, possibly have children, which he said he wanted, but he was always worrying how his mum would be on her own (she was in her 60s with no health problems). I think he had it the worst as the other brothers did leave home and marry, and he was the youngest. As a final push for commitment they were engaged, but my friend ended up breaking it off three months before the wedding, causing a lot of heartbreak. He was a lovely guy, perfect for her in many ways, but you can't have three people in a relationship and she always felt his mum would be the priority, I remember her saying how would they function with children if he was always disappearing off at his mum's beck and call. She really gave it her best shot and gave him loads of chances to reprioritise, but ultimately he couldn't change. She wishes she'd got out sooner - I would say to you end it now before you get too hurt.

11) He admitted to me that she wouldn't be that pleased if he got married/had kids but couldn't explain why.

This. This is just messed up and he KNOWS it but won't face up to it.

Oh reminds me of Timothy (Ronnie Corbett) in Sorry.

Yeah, it’s weird.
Dump him

Are you sure he lives with his mum rather than his wife??

Either way, fuck that.

A few things stand out. It’s common courtesy to say whether you will be home late or would like a meal if you live with someone. However, to do that whilst dp is with you a bit passive aggressive - it’s staking her claim and reminding you that she’s around.

Cleaning and cooking - Funnily enough, I don’t see a problem with this. If she’s putting a laundery on, then it’s no trouble washing his clothes as well. However, is he able to use the washing machine? Does he rely on her to cook food? Make his lunch etc? My older teens always make their lunch,and are both capable of cooking a roast.

To cut short a visit to say farewell to his mum is slightly weird. Wouldn’t you say ‘have a nice holiday’ before you leave the house,

Daily walk - okay for fitness

Over sharing your relationship - no, and she probably comments about it

None of the brothers have left home - weird.

Probably easier to end it now than living with a man who has his mum entangled in his life so much. It will only get worse with your needs as a couple growing. The guilt of doing right and wrong by his mum may consume your lives.

I was seeing a man who had similar traits etc tied to his mum and older sister who both lived in the house. Never met his mum, only came close to it once, no idea why! She sent me birthday and Christmas cards!

He also wanted us if we moved in together to move near mummy, despite the fact I didn't like to drive much at the time (due to being in a coma after car crash, I did have a licence!) and I didn't want to be the other side of London from my family and friends!

He's now married with kids, and still lives near mummy. Wife seems ok from FB snooping.

This man will not change. Ever. LTB

Sorry OP, but there is no future in this relationship. Don't fall for the Sunk Costs Fallacy, leave now.

@Justmuddlingalong

Please don't waste any more of your time on this relationship. Really, this will be your life if you don't.

Yep, you will never trump the matriarch. Sorry. He sounds like a bit of a spineless layabout, to be honest.

I feel sympathy for him and yet I still think you need to run for the hills.

He's her replacement husband.

This ^^

His brothers have told her what time it is, your bf has not. If you stay in this relationship, there will always be three of you init. It sounds like he does not have the strength to say no to her.

Red flags all over the place. End the relationship and save yourself years of heartache.

YANBU! It sounds enmeshed to me alright! I'd even go so far as to say I suspect she's made a sort of "surrogate" husband of your boyfriend. I get the sense she'd never accept any girlfriend as she'd regard them as rivals for his affection and attention, even if only subconsciously. The real red flag is he says she doesn't really want him to get married nor have children. I find that very disturbing and plain wrong! Sorry OP!

I am similar to another poster - I have been married for 25 years. My husband lived at home until he was in his early 30s. His dad was a bit of a waste of space and my husband supported his mum - his mum used to just take my husbands bank card if she had bills to pay, shopping, whatever. She cooked, cleaned and ran around after him like he was a toddler. He felt very responsible for his mum. Very different from my own upbringing. We bought a house together, married and it’s worked out well but with clear boundaries set very early on - even after we had bought our house his mum asked him for his bank card as she had stuff to get! Erm no. Lots of things over the years and I know his mom expected him to return home quite quickly but it all worked out.

I would get out of that relationship right now. There will always be 3 of you in it and you will never be number one!

My friend married a man like this and it has had serious consequences on her physical and mental health and their ability to move forward with their lives in a healthy manner.

I advise you to leave.

You're doing the 'pick me' dance. Cut your losses before you have a child with him and he tells you his mum knows best.

Yeah it's time to breakup with your boyfriend Norman Bates

Either she is overstepping or he is lying to insinuate she is the reason he is behaving this way. Neither are good. There is no win here for you.

Sorry but what a turn off! I don't see a future with a man like that! My DH is a mummys boy and that can be irritating at time but nothing that extreme

3 year relationship and I never the parents of an ex (we both 20s) nor any of his friends or his brother who he lived with. Looking back as an almost 50’year old I ask myself why the hell I put up with such shit. They knew about me and he once said his brother disliked me as I had a young child (not bf at the time).