@5128gap
I think his mum is getting a hard time on here. All you really know for certain is that she messages him when he's with you. The rest is either conjecture, perfectly reasonable, or down to choices he is making. He lives in her house willingly, chooses to share his life with her and takes some responsibility for the house he lives in with her, as he should. You have no idea really how she feels about you, or him having children. I think the comments on here about her having him in her clutches and being manipulative are just examples of the stereotypical, and often false, idea that women can't let go of their sons. Who seemingly as incapable of thinking for themselves. In reality it's equally possible that he just doesn't want to commit to you, and is using his mum as an excuse.
He's been single his whole life save two 4-5 month relationships. And I know this as fact as his friends have confirmed it as well. He had no reason to stay as long or deal with all this if he didn't want to commit. Certainly no reason to suggest cohabiting. And one of his closest male mates told me that the mother disapproved of him because my bf spent loads of time with this guy socialising (away from home) and was considering moving away - mate is very adventurous. And with him my bf had a fire in his belly to be more independent. The mate was Irish and said the mother told my bf he must be IRA so should be careful and made her disapproval known. He absolutely isn't. Both men were in their 30s at the time. So clearly it's not just women the mother dislikes, basically anyone she sees as a threat to her.
The first time we bumped into his mother, she saw us and carried on walking with no acknowledgement, to the end I was shocked when he called out 'mum' to her. I thought she was a stranger. She was incredibly unsmiling and cold with me, and it was the same when I bumped into her again at over a year in. She wouldn't even make eye contact with me. Him sneaking me in when she wasn't around, was indicative of how she didn't want me around. He was very on edge that she didn't find out. None of that fear was made up.
He told me of his childhood and how there wasn't any love, affection or praise after his father left. And what he described sounded very much like he was expected to help his mum out with all the practical tasks, as a husband. Given the frequency of calls and requests every time we are together, and that all three adult sons have never left home (at 34, 36, 38) nor had long term relationships - it doesn't take a psychologist to recognise that something unhealthy has happened in that household.
Sure, as an adult he has choices and can't blame everything on his childhood but having obviously filled a 'husband' role to her, he obviously has no idea that anything is wrong. To him it's normal to feel responsible for your mother all your life, rather than the other way around. I can't help him but of course I feel compassion that he has no idea what a healthy parental relationship should be like.