Is this maternal enmeshment or AIBU?

[disco82]

Have noticed lots of odd things in the relationship between my bf and his mother, that I have tried to ignore. But am beginning to question if they are unhealthily enmeshed or AIBU? Examples:

1. He has never moved away from home and is late 30s. Has only now put down an offer on a flat but it is down the road from mum.
2. She has never met me in 18 months, and I have never been allowed in their house. He says it's because she is embarrassed of how run down it is. However, one night when she was away, he took me over and the house was absolutely fine. Also she works with clients in the house. We have bumped into her a few times in the town so she does know I'm a gf.
3. Every time he is with me (and she knows), she texts him asking if he will be home for dinner or will be home that night. He says she is just checking he is ok. But I feel insulted she needs to check this when he is with me?
4. She still cooks meals for him and does his laundry. He can do these things himself as he does it when he is with me.
5. He is expected to pay for all house repairs and look after the house and garden.
6. I live alone but he only spends 2 nights a week at mine and the rest at his mums, even though I have invited him to spend more.
7. He once cut short our time together as he wanted to go home to say goodbye to his mum who was going away for the weekend. He didn't think this was an odd thing to do, but to me it felt like something you do for a partner.
8. I have no family in this country and couldn't go home to my parents for Xmas due to Covid rules. On 2 Xmas-es she said I couldn't spend it with them as she didn't know me well enough and Xmas wasn't the right time to get to know me. The first Xmas I accepted this as we had only been dating 6 months, second Xmas I was quite shocked. So he decided to spend Xmas with me instead, but still had to go over to hers for most of the afternoon, even though she had her other family with her, and I was alone.
9. He runs every decision past her, even ones he doesn't talk to me about.
10. He tells her all the details about what we do together/where we go - they have a ritual of going for a walk every evening together.
11. He admitted to me that she wouldn't be that pleased if he got married/had kids but couldn't explain why.
12. There are no photos of him or his brothers anywhere in the house, and he has no idea where they may be. Not sure it means anything but thought it odd given how close they are.
13. She and his dad got divorced 25 years ago but she has never had a partner since - not sure if it is relevant, but i thought maybe that is why they are so close. He also has 2 other brothers and they too have never left home and are in their 30s, but they are not so close to her, and don't contribute to the household expenses like he does.

Every text he is with you from her is a promt to him and a dig to you that she is Number 1..paying to run and maintain her home is a piss take. No wonder she wants you gone. I doubt he will choose you of you made such a request. Bow out gracefully op. He is already spoken for.

Are you certain he's not married? Have you met his friends?

It sounds very unhealthy and so unattractive, I don’t know how you’re intimate with this man-child, he probably goes home afterwards and tells him mum all about it!

There is no happy ending for you here. Better men are definitely available and their mothers will not be so much a part of the relationship. (I shared a house with my MIL and loved it, so I'm not anti-MILs, but this really takes the biscuit!).

"As they live together and she cooks for him, asking him if he's going to be home for dinner is fine.

As for the rest of it.. RUN"

This is exactly what I was going to say. Trying to get them to change could get really, really messy

RUN RUN RUN. Dump him and run as fast as possible. You can't change him. You can't fix him. It's not your responsibility. Life is too short to put up with this. You have wasted 18 months. Don't waste another minute longer.

@powershowerforanhour

"She and his dad got divorced 25 years ago but she has never had a partner since - not sure if it is relevant, but i thought maybe that is why they are so close."

Yes to all the PPs who said he is her substitute husband, and as far as she's concerned you are the OW who is trying to nick him. She'd no more invite you round for Christmas than she would a husband's mistress. She'll never change and he probably won't either. If you did have children together I wouldn't be surprised if you kept coming home from work or woke up from a nap to find your house empty and them all playing happy families all day with her in the "mother" role and you pushed out of the picture.

Did you read The Little House, by any chance?

Yeah, run for the hills. I wouldn’t agree to have a relationship with him unless he moved out and got his own place.

They are almost certainly shagging

@Isthatthebestyoucando

Are you certain he's not married? Have you met his friends?

Definitely not married. I have met his friends and colleagues, and I am in his social media and whatsapp profile photo. Also I saw his room where he lives at his mums, and that was definitely a single man's room too. He's never been married before either, so when I met him I thought how wonderful to meet a man in his 30s with no baggage. How wrong I was....

i don't think giving it a name will make any difference. he doesn't sound like a good spec for a relationship.

@Sciurus83

RUN!!

This!

Sorry OP

Run. I could never fancy a mummy’s boy, they give me the ick.

Run child run

Hang on, so if you're due to spend an evening together either indoors or going out, you have to factor in him going for a walk with him mum as well? Have I understood that right, OP?

Don't waste your time on a mummas boy she'll always come first I'd leave him

I would end it on the basis of being left alone at Christmas alone. Add in the rest and, yikes!

I doubt this dynamic will ever change. If it's annoying now it will be even worse when he's leaving you and the kids alone all the time to go on a daily evening walk, when he's spending family money on her house, when she's opining on how you live your lives, raise your children etc.

I'd run a mile if I were you!

Omg, OP, you’re the OW! 😂😂
Sadly it sounds like he’s a surrogate husband to his mum. I’d really consider leaving over this.

Run for the hills & don’t look back.

This is called covert/emotional incest - when the parent creates a relationship akin to a spouse with their child.

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/covert-incest

@MrsTrumpton

Hang on, so if you're due to spend an evening together either indoors or going out, you have to factor in him going for a walk with him mum as well? Have I understood that right, OP?

Yes. Except he only sees me 2, sometimes 3 nights a week so this topic doesn't come up for discussion. I always thought he wanted the extra days away from me to see friends or do hobbies and that was reasonable. I only later realised he was spending all his free evenings with his mum - not doing anything else.

Only no's #8 and #11 of these stand out as weird. Any of the others would be ok in isolation but when you add them all together it's not looking good.

IMO if you pair up this man long term you will have to accept you will always be the third wheel on this relationship. Some women might be happy with that but the fact you have posted this suggests it wouldn't be enough for you.

run awaaaay!!! Fast!

What's the opposite of turning in their grave? That's what Freud is doing.

Run.

Also, you only spend two days a week together and those are "fixed" days??? And this has been going on for 18 months??? What about doing stuff spontaneously? What would happen if you organised something for one of the non-fixed days? How would he and his mum react?