Is this maternal enmeshment or AIBU?

[disco82]

Have noticed lots of odd things in the relationship between my bf and his mother, that I have tried to ignore. But am beginning to question if they are unhealthily enmeshed or AIBU? Examples:

1. He has never moved away from home and is late 30s. Has only now put down an offer on a flat but it is down the road from mum.
2. She has never met me in 18 months, and I have never been allowed in their house. He says it's because she is embarrassed of how run down it is. However, one night when she was away, he took me over and the house was absolutely fine. Also she works with clients in the house. We have bumped into her a few times in the town so she does know I'm a gf.
3. Every time he is with me (and she knows), she texts him asking if he will be home for dinner or will be home that night. He says she is just checking he is ok. But I feel insulted she needs to check this when he is with me?
4. She still cooks meals for him and does his laundry. He can do these things himself as he does it when he is with me.
5. He is expected to pay for all house repairs and look after the house and garden.
6. I live alone but he only spends 2 nights a week at mine and the rest at his mums, even though I have invited him to spend more.
7. He once cut short our time together as he wanted to go home to say goodbye to his mum who was going away for the weekend. He didn't think this was an odd thing to do, but to me it felt like something you do for a partner.
8. I have no family in this country and couldn't go home to my parents for Xmas due to Covid rules. On 2 Xmas-es she said I couldn't spend it with them as she didn't know me well enough and Xmas wasn't the right time to get to know me. The first Xmas I accepted this as we had only been dating 6 months, second Xmas I was quite shocked. So he decided to spend Xmas with me instead, but still had to go over to hers for most of the afternoon, even though she had her other family with her, and I was alone.
9. He runs every decision past her, even ones he doesn't talk to me about.
10. He tells her all the details about what we do together/where we go - they have a ritual of going for a walk every evening together.
11. He admitted to me that she wouldn't be that pleased if he got married/had kids but couldn't explain why.
12. There are no photos of him or his brothers anywhere in the house, and he has no idea where they may be. Not sure it means anything but thought it odd given how close they are.
13. She and his dad got divorced 25 years ago but she has never had a partner since - not sure if it is relevant, but i thought maybe that is why they are so close. He also has 2 other brothers and they too have never left home and are in their 30s, but they are not so close to her, and don't contribute to the household expenses like he does.

I know someone like this, he's now in his 40's, dad died when he was a kid. He's moved in with several girlfriends, relationship lasts about 2-3 years and then he's back with mum again. I have seen this happen at least four times now.

They have meals out, go shopping together, go on holiday together, the lot. It seems to me that he took on the 'man of the house' role when his DF died, and it is still going on.

I think you need to separate out the things you think are weird but essentially don't impact on you, to the things that directly impact on your relationship. Especially if you want to talk to him about it.

For example, not remarrying, not having any photos, none of your business

Him leaving you on your own on xmas day when you said youd be happy to visit his mum, him rushing off to have a nightly walk meaning you cant make any plans in the evening, him only being able to spend 2 nights a week at yours is not ok.

Him being in touch with her a lot and telling her if he is going to be back for dinner...annoying but I dont think one quick text ruins an evening...and if I lived with someone I'd quite like to know if I heard something at midnight if it was my housemate or if they weren't home that evening and it was a burglar.

Think about what you want from your relationship with him instead of focussing on his relationship with his mum if that makes sense

Run like the wind.
The whole situation is so dysfunctional.

Read up on parentification if you want to understand a bit more on the dynamic. He is acting as her surrogate husband 🤢🤮

Honestly it will be really hard because you think you love him but you should end this now.

He can offer nothing more than some kind of sad half-life, giving you the left over scraps of love time and affection
She will give you nothing but misery…

The hills are >>>>>>>>>>>>>> that way!

@Sciurus83

RUN!!

Definitely!!!

9, 10, & 11 alone are enough to call it a day, Disco.

He's late 30's - he's not going to change.
So what else can you do ...? hang on for the statistical probability that she will pop her clogs before you & b/f do?

Even if you made a ridiculous & life-blighting choice to do just that, he still won't change - this behaviour is 100% engrained, & you would just become a substitute mother.

Also what's with her not wanting him to have kids? That's weird isn't it?? confused

Yes, @KittensTeaAndCake.
Almost as if she is obsessive about never sharing her precious son with any other human, ever. Even a grandchild.

there isn't anyone else who can pay for the upkeep so he will be asked, and he can never say no. His brothers all refuse to pay and he had argued with her on how unfair it is, but also accepts he's the known soft touch so all expenses will fall to him.

Run, run, RUN from this Golden Child/Scapegoat & his Narc mother.

(The roles can be interchangeable for the same child - not enough info to speculate which role he is currently cast in.
Possibly the brothers are scapegoated for staying out of it, hence b/f is GC.
Or it could be the other way round - brothers are GC, thus exonerated - b/f is scapegoat, & craves the approval he will never win, so is a pushover to his mother's demands.)

Either way, it's dysfunctional AF & you should run.

@TheAverageUser

Some of these are weird and some are totally fine. It's nice he's close to his mum, like going to say goodbye before she went away, that's totally normal?

Having some % of seeming normality doesn't give a free pass for the weirdness, so I can't see what point is being made here?

He also told me he was very independent from his mum and she left him to his own devices

Riiiiight ...

He's very self sufficient and competent with me,
I'm sure he is. He's had 4 decades of practicing on his mum.
Doesn't change the fact that mum's the one calling all the shots.

I'm sorry but this is really weird and I doubt it will change.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I think you need to separate out the things you think are weird but essentially don't impact on you, to the things that directly impact on your relationship. Especially if you want to talk to him about it.

For example, not remarrying, not having any photos, none of your business

Him leaving you on your own on xmas day when you said youd be happy to visit his mum, him rushing off to have a nightly walk meaning you cant make any plans in the evening, him only being able to spend 2 nights a week at yours is not ok.

Him being in touch with her a lot and telling her if he is going to be back for dinner...annoying but I dont think one quick text ruins an evening...and if I lived with someone I'd quite like to know if I heard something at midnight if it was my housemate or if they weren't home that evening and it was a burglar.

Think about what you want from your relationship with him instead of focussing on his relationship with his mum if that makes sense

This is good advice. And yes, you're right her personal life is not my business at all, only put it here to provide full context.

I think the only reason her texting him every time we are together asking him if he'll be home or not annoys me, because I feel a bit like the other woman, or a holiday home, rather than a long term gf. Because it happens every weekend and surely someone would assume a 38 year old man will be spending the whole weekend with his gf, or let you know if not? He tells me he shares his plans with her every week, and we have fixed days we see each other, so she definitely knows when he's home. Also the messages are normally late at night or early in the am when we are in bed together.

The Christmas situation really drove home how much of an outsider i am to his family. And this will likely not change. Also when he is making plans for the future, his mum features heavily - like he insists we have to live close to his mum always, he runs every decision past her rather than me (even on areas I am an actual expert on), and so much of his financial planning involves what's best for her, not what's best for him. So unlikely that my needs will be considered.

So it's not looking positive for a future together.

I feel like no good can come of this relationship. End it now.

Because if you eventually moved in together the woman would be there every fucking Sunday...and the rest !

Have you gone on any trips or holidays yet? That would probably be a nightmare in itself.

She also doesn't want you in her home. That says it all.

Fuck that. Get out now.

You ARE the other woman…!

Like I said read up on parentification if you want to understand a bit more on the dynamic. He is acting as her surrogate husband 🤢🤮

She can (and she most likely will) make your life hell as your relationship progresses.

I’d get out ASAP.

@ToykotoLosAngeles

He's her replacement husband. You will see her every. Single. Day for the rest of your marriage if you go down that route.

I thought exactly the same. He’s her replacement husband, and you will never come first OP. Don’t play second fiddle to his mum for the rest of your life.

When I met my partner he was 26. He still lived at home.

His mum had his bank passwords, took care of all of his affairs before he even had a chance to. Would open his post etc.
I even caught her going to look through his drawers when he was out and she didn't realise I was there. So involved.

He never liked it but was hard to get her to stop whilst he lived there.
We moved in together and he set boundaries. It was awkward for her but she had no choice.

Your partner is almost 40,more set in his ways and really enjoys this mum being so involved so I hardly see that changing to be honest,do you?

As long as shes alive she'll be so involved ...and he'll let her.

@Totalwasteofpaper

You ARE the other woman…!

Like I said read up on parentification if you want to understand a bit more on the dynamic. He is acting as her surrogate husband 🤢🤮

Thank you. I have never heard this term before so had a quick search. It does seem to describe their relationship a bit so I will read more to understand it. Maybe it explains what is the weird feeling I have about the situation but can't properly describe.

Im sorry OP ,but I think this is going nowhere very fast! Even if he did move in with you (which seems unlikely TBH) You would never be able to snip those Apron Strings! DM has got a substitute husband, and will not be letting him go. She would be "calling round" and interfering ,any DC you had would be taken over by her! Please call this off ASAP!

I had no idea it had a name, i'd call him a mummy's boy. GTF.

As they live together and she cooks for him, asking him if he's going to be home for dinner is fine.

As for the rest of it.. RUN

This is enmeshment and maybe even part parentification if he wants (is expected) to cook for her every week.

it'll be so nice to cook a Sunday lunch for my mum every week

I mean ... this would make me run very fast.

@MooseBeTimeForSnow

So once he’s bought his own flat is she still expecting him to contribute towards repairs?

My guess is the house is in all names to avoid IHT, which mum and I really wish we had done.

If we had, I would certainly offer a contribution, as a part owner.

OP, I know one person who did this and he got married and had a child..then moved back in with his mum. His wife has not asked for a divorce but I think it works for her too...he doesn't work, does all the school runs and stays with the DC till she returns from work....and when his mum is gone, she can divorce and get half his mum's money as well as half of his!

"She and his dad got divorced 25 years ago but she has never had a partner since - not sure if it is relevant, but i thought maybe that is why they are so close."

Yes to all the PPs who said he is her substitute husband, and as far as she's concerned you are the OW who is trying to nick him. She'd no more invite you round for Christmas than she would a husband's mistress. She'll never change and he probably won't either. If you did have children together I wouldn't be surprised if you kept coming home from work or woke up from a nap to find your house empty and them all playing happy families all day with her in the "mother" role and you pushed out of the picture.