To have sent this message to MIL

[RXI3]

For background, I work part time, DP works full time, we have 2 DC age 2.5 & 4 and life is pretty hectic at the minute.

It has become like an unorganised arrangement that DPs half sister (9) comes most nights for dinner, comes to our house at the weekend etc... and it is just getting too much.

My DC like playing with her sometimes but she can be incredibly bossy with them and my eldest daughter doesn't like it. She will over ride my parenting, is the best way to describe it, for example if DC leave their dinner I will say "its ok, we can try again later" and lets call her S, will say "no, I will feed you your dinner" and continue to shove a spoon in DC face no matter how politely I ask her not to.

We can only let the dog in the garden if the gate is shut, she will open the back door without asking and twice now the dog has got out. Again, I've politely reminded her and asked her not to without checking the gate is actually shut but nothing changes.

She wanted DD (4) to play a game of play pretend which involved a 'cheating boyfriend' so I reminded her of DDs age and that it isn't really appropriate to play like that with her.

I asked S and my DC not to go in our bedroom as we had Xmas presents on top of the wardrobe not yet hidden, DC can't open the door. S opened it then said she didn't mean to, but she would have no reason to be near the door. There has been numerous times she has took toys off DD to make her cry so she can comfort her.

She has put hairspray on DD when I asked her not to which resulted it in getting in DDs eyes

Although it is nice to have S round and let all the children play together it is so hard when DC just don't want to play with her and she is going against everything I ask her not to do.

I haven't had a reply yet but I text MIL along the lines of we don't mind watching S for you but it is always at short notice and with our own stresses of work etc, we are struggling, perhaps DC could come to you sometimes or we could go out somewhere instead.

DP is on the same page as me, I just hope MIL understands.

What was the message you sent, was it everything you've written?

Prob would have been better coming from dp. But Yanbu.. Sounds well taking the piss.

You really don't need to list all the things she does - which to be honest are quite normal for a 9yo.

Your MIL is taking the piss and you of course are well within your rights to tell her it's too much to expect you to look after her child every evening.

Maybe say she can go round on Thursdays or whatever, and that's it.
It sounds like her dm just wants rid of her for a few hours every evening!

And I agree it should be coming from your dp, not you.

YABU to not put a stop to the whole thing. Why isn’t her mum looking after in the evenings and at weekends? Why are you letting your very young children be bullied in their own home? Nicely, you’re mad and a mug.

Sounds like you’re being used as an unpaid sitter. Definitely NBU to want to quit.

DP needs to speak to MIL and if he won't he can look after the 9 year old each time

Is MIL also working, is that why S comes?

@Bluebluemoon39

You really don't need to list all the things she does - which to be honest are quite normal for a 9yo.

Your MIL is taking the piss and you of course are well within your rights to tell her it's too much to expect you to look after her child every evening.

Maybe say she can go round on Thursdays or whatever, and that's it.
It sounds like her dm just wants rid of her for a few hours every evening!

Yes, exactly. I wouldn't want an angelically-behaved 9 year old around every night while I tried to juggle three children of my own, two jobs, and life in general. Her annoyingness isn't the point. The fact that you're being used as free childcare is.

Your message is far too polite, you've got enough on your plate as it is. How did this even start? Where's the father?

Ime it prob won't be well received.
We lived 3 streets away and sil was 9 ish. And SN. I was a selfish cow because I refused to let her push ds round the streets in his pram. I offered her a buggy for her dolls.
Ils actually never forgave me as I also shouted at her once for an incident with ds and skipping ropes on their stairs.

I haven't had a reply yet but I text MIL along the lines of we don't mind watching S for you but it is always at short notice and with our own stresses of work etc, we are struggling, perhaps DC could come to you sometimes or we could go out somewhere instead.

I don't think that's assertive enough tbh, it's a bit wish-washy. You're not 'watching' her child, you're looking after her and you need to get it across that it's not as easy as she may think.

She’s not your responsibility, you have enough to contend with!
I’d say enough is enough…. Set boundaries..
Say you are happy to have her on xxx day and that’s it!! Don’t be used and walked over , and certainly not by a child

Your partner needs to deal with this

You’re being way too polite and just a bit of a pushover really. You need to be more assertive and tell her she can’t come around anymore. It’s too much for you, you have your own DC and both work. Your MIL is taking the piss.

Also agree that your DH needs to sort it.

MIL isn't working no. I gave details of why I don't want to babysit as much to give background of why I don't want to. DP said he will speak to MIL if she isn't happy with the message. without copy and pasting, that is what I sent to her x

Don't see why it has to be left to your partner tbh.
You need to send a firm message that although you all love her she can't be there every day. Fix a day or two and stick to it.

Your dp should be the one to put the foot down. Don't be polite with a 9yr old, be firm. You're essentially caring for the child, not just babysitting. Your house, your rules.

Also I know it's normal for children to behave like this sometimes. It's just the boundaries being broken, not behaving nicely in my home that I think isn't right.

Ask her if she’ll have your 2 every night & weekend. If not I’d stop the visits all together & tell her you’ll visit them instead once a week for a few hours, if you can fit them in.

What’s the reasoning for this kid being round your house all the time?

Every now and then to help out is one thing but every night? When you’ve got kids of your own to sort out? Sod that for a game of soldiers. Not only is it a massive inconvenience but also I imagine it gets costly feeding an extra child tea every night - is your mother-in-law reimbursing you that at least??

Definitely need to put a stop to this. The whole set up sounds ridiculous.

I wouldn't criticise her or imply that she's a pita at all. You don't need to justify it. You are busy people and it is happening too often, that's all. Think about how often you are happy for her to come over and let mil know.

I'm slightly confused. If mil isn't working, and the child is presumably at school through the day, why does she need to go you as much as she does ?

If your text was that last bit we don't mind watching S for you but it is always at short notice and with our own stresses of work etc, we are struggling, perhaps DC could come to you sometimes or we could go out somewhere instead. you were far too wishy washy.

Get DP to talk to his DM and to tell her it has to stop. He has two kids of his own and can't take his little sister in every night, feed her, look after her every evening and over the weekend too. He will invite her, it would be nice if MIL could invite yours over too. But the every night visits have to stop.

S needs her won friends, and amother who wants her at home. It isn't only you snd your DC that are being badly done by with this 'arrangement'