To have sent this message to MIL

[RXI3]

For background, I work part time, DP works full time, we have 2 DC age 2.5 & 4 and life is pretty hectic at the minute.

It has become like an unorganised arrangement that DPs half sister (9) comes most nights for dinner, comes to our house at the weekend etc... and it is just getting too much.

My DC like playing with her sometimes but she can be incredibly bossy with them and my eldest daughter doesn't like it. She will over ride my parenting, is the best way to describe it, for example if DC leave their dinner I will say "its ok, we can try again later" and lets call her S, will say "no, I will feed you your dinner" and continue to shove a spoon in DC face no matter how politely I ask her not to.

We can only let the dog in the garden if the gate is shut, she will open the back door without asking and twice now the dog has got out. Again, I've politely reminded her and asked her not to without checking the gate is actually shut but nothing changes.

She wanted DD (4) to play a game of play pretend which involved a 'cheating boyfriend' so I reminded her of DDs age and that it isn't really appropriate to play like that with her.

I asked S and my DC not to go in our bedroom as we had Xmas presents on top of the wardrobe not yet hidden, DC can't open the door. S opened it then said she didn't mean to, but she would have no reason to be near the door. There has been numerous times she has took toys off DD to make her cry so she can comfort her.

She has put hairspray on DD when I asked her not to which resulted it in getting in DDs eyes

Although it is nice to have S round and let all the children play together it is so hard when DC just don't want to play with her and she is going against everything I ask her not to do.

I haven't had a reply yet but I text MIL along the lines of we don't mind watching S for you but it is always at short notice and with our own stresses of work etc, we are struggling, perhaps DC could come to you sometimes or we could go out somewhere instead.

DP is on the same page as me, I just hope MIL understands.

You sound like a lovely person, but that's the problem here. You even offered solutions to a problem that's not yours when you said it was too much for you.

Piss takers always know how to push for that bit more.

Take a step back, leave it to your dp to sort out and both of you make it clear at every opportunity that she may only come over when invited.

Sorry, it's your fault for being such a bloody doormat. You are not the skivvy or the nanny, and you have your own children to look after. I would be putting a quick end to this nonsense. Your MIL is taking total advantage of you. Stop allowing this.

S sounds like a pain and MIL is taking the P this is too much.

I think you need this to impact on DP and MIL. Sorry S we are on our way out/it is not convenient to pop in unless we have agreed it in advance I will phone MIL to come and get you or meet you now. Or DP please can you walk S home now.

Also get DP to pitch in more as you are too tired can’t cope with S every night. Any mutterings he phones MIL and asks her to tell S only to call round if it has been agreed in advance or once a week on X day.

@RXI3

Most of the time S says that MIL said she can come down, then if I mention it to MIL when I see her she will say S was playing out already and stopped by. I think that was the case in summer but it is cold now and there isn't many other kids playing out here if any

It isn't up to MIL though, it's your home. Cheeky imo

The making the child cry so she can comfort her is a bit odd, as are several of the other issues you describe.
I think boundaries have been crossed and they need to be reinstated. She will probably keep coming round (I imagine her mum won’t put a stop to it) so you will need to keep sending her away over and over again until she gets out of the habit. Have her round on invite only.

This child sounds an absolute horror . Tell her mother you will not be accommodating her unless her behaviour improves!!

Nope. As has been said, nip in bid, right now.

There's too big an age gap for them to be friends, or enjoy the same games. Strictly invite only, from now on.
And any behaviour, that goes against your rules, or ends up with your children being upset, she has to go home.

No more asking, telling.

Just say no to her coming in. If she says "but mummy said I could" just reply "well she didn't check with me first and sorry not today." Call MIL and say that SIL turned up and said she'd said it was OK but its not so you've sent her back home, just so she knows she's on her way back. Do this every time.

This is so odd! Why isn’t she at home with her Mum?!!

I think your DP should have sent the message, otherwise yes YANBU.

YANBU, of course you are not. I agree with PP's who say you (really your DH) need to be more assertive.

Next time your MIL asks, may I remind you of one of the great pearls of Mumsnet wisdom ?

"No" is a complete sentence.

@RXI3 - I think you need to set clear boundaries, and consequences for crossing them - give her a single, clear warning and then enforce the consequence.

Eg: if she tries to carry on feeding the baby - “Don’t feed the baby. I have said they can stop and I will try later. If you don’t do as I’ve told you, you will have to go home”

Or “You are not to go in my room. If I find you in there, or unlocking the door, I will send you home”.

She needs to know you are in charge, and if you set clear limits, and enforce them, she will learn - and this is fine practice for when your children are this age, and testing the limits themselves.

It’s ok to be firm.

@AnneLovesGilbert

YABU to not put a stop to the whole thing. Why isn’t her mum looking after in the evenings and at weekends? Why are you letting your very young children be bullied in their own home? Nicely, you’re mad and a mug.

This. She sounds like a right little madam. I’d have out a stop to it at her making your child cry so she can comfort her. How manipulative is that.

I fail to understand why MIL isn't actually entertaining / spending time with / feeding her child if she isn't working

Fuck that for a game of soldiers

Yanbu

Sorry, this really isn’t normal behaviour for a nine year old. She sounds manipulative, precocious and down right cheeky. All kids push their luck at times but I’d be nipping this behaviour in the bud very quickly.

This is such a weird thread.

It’s winter, it’s dark early, why isn’t the child at home after school with her mother like most children, or taken out to do after school clubs or whatever after school?

So the mother doesn’t work but just let’s the child wander about and she doesn’t even know where she is (or sounds like she cares!) she doesn’t even feed her dinner?! Sounds like something off of Shameless, sorry. Report the mother to social services if she really is neglecting her daughter.

But either way, you need to start locking the door so she can’t get in and when she knocks either ignore ans pretend you’re out or answer the door and say ‘Sorry X, we can’t play today but we can on Friday, see you then.’ And limit it to once per week or whatever and then message your MIL saying sorry but you and your family want your own time and space in the evenings/ weekends and you can’t afford to keep giving an extra child dinner every night so visits need to be once a week.

Alternatively- move, couldn’t stand my inlaws being in my pocket like this.

Where is FIL? Or the child’s father?

Where is your DP?

Why have you become default parent to your DP’s sibling?

Good Lord, you’ve enough on! If she wasn’t your MIL, you’d be on here calling her out for being a CF - which she is! Do not accommodate her and don’t do anything extra for the child unless you think there is abuse or neglect of some kind going on.

To be honest, I think it’s a safeguarding issue that MIL is sending a 9yo out on her own to you, not checking she’s got to you and presumably wouldn’t know for a few hours if she went missing en route. I’d be tempted to report that actually.

I think you sound a little bit confused about what you and your DH actually do want.
You list your young sil’s misdemeanours for your MIL to read but aren’t able to find yourself capable of handling them yourself. Do you even want to handle them or are you happy to muddle along with the situation whilst feeling a bit put upon at the same time ? It’s hard to tell.
I think you should take a moment to think about what you actually do want when it comes to this little sister of your DH and then set about firmly letting everybody else know what is within your boundaries and what isn’t. It’s not difficult to say something like ….we are busy every day after school next week except Wednesday so if SIL would like to come and play and stay for a meal that’s fine but I’m sorry we are too busy every other evening and next weekend. Let me know in advance if she will be coming on Wednesday so that I can cater for an extra portion Also would you mind reminding her that she must not let the dog escape again and that she should listen to me regarding xyz.

Take charge OP and everyone will be happier.

Boundaries have already been badly overreached and this is not going to be sorted out by one text message.

Decide with your DP how many times you want S to visit, then go round and tell MIL and S what the new arrangements are.

I don't understand why you are allowing a 9yo to misbehave in your house, nor to turn up every day.

9yo: You are supposed to be the adult in charge, so you need to set the rules and also let her know when to go home. You don't speak to a 9yo as "if you don't mind", you say "Please get your things ready now to go home for dinner, I'll call your mum to tell her you're on your way / DH will walk you", "That isn't an appropriate game to play, I've told you before and if you do it again then you'll have to go straight home" etc etc.

MIL: "S has been popping in every day, let's agree days each week. How about she comes here Tuesday and Friday after school, then you have our kids Saturday nights? We can each swap days about when anything else is planned. Does that suit?"

I've put YABU as I think conversations like this need to take place FTF.

She sounds manipulative, precocious and down right cheeky. All kids push their luck at times but I’d be nipping this behaviour in the bud very quickly.

Like mother like daughter.

Stop saying 'is it ok...'
Time to go home now
No sorry, you can't come in
I said not to open that door. Why have you ignored me?

Get tough or play dates are going to be a nightmare when school comes round.

I think you're being extra kind as she's a relative, she's just a child who's ignoring you. Would you let your own child behave like that?

Why is your husband leaving it to you to deal with.

His mother, his sister, his problem?

At nine her mum should know where she is and be aware that she isn’t coming home for dinner.

I assume your husband isn’t home when she calls. So each time the child arrives at the door tell her the children can’t play today and you will see her when you next visit her house. Then get her brother to talk to his mother. It’s not your responsibility to raise this child. She has a mother.

Unless you are worried the child is being neglected at home. Then you need to act.