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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this message to MIL

203 replies

RXI3 · 19/01/2022 17:05

For background, I work part time, DP works full time, we have 2 DC age 2.5 & 4 and life is pretty hectic at the minute.

It has become like an unorganised arrangement that DPs half sister (9) comes most nights for dinner, comes to our house at the weekend etc... and it is just getting too much.

My DC like playing with her sometimes but she can be incredibly bossy with them and my eldest daughter doesn't like it. She will over ride my parenting, is the best way to describe it, for example if DC leave their dinner I will say "its ok, we can try again later" and lets call her S, will say "no, I will feed you your dinner" and continue to shove a spoon in DC face no matter how politely I ask her not to.

We can only let the dog in the garden if the gate is shut, she will open the back door without asking and twice now the dog has got out. Again, I've politely reminded her and asked her not to without checking the gate is actually shut but nothing changes.

She wanted DD (4) to play a game of play pretend which involved a 'cheating boyfriend' so I reminded her of DDs age and that it isn't really appropriate to play like that with her.

I asked S and my DC not to go in our bedroom as we had Xmas presents on top of the wardrobe not yet hidden, DC can't open the door. S opened it then said she didn't mean to, but she would have no reason to be near the door. There has been numerous times she has took toys off DD to make her cry so she can comfort her.

She has put hairspray on DD when I asked her not to which resulted it in getting in DDs eyes

Although it is nice to have S round and let all the children play together it is so hard when DC just don't want to play with her and she is going against everything I ask her not to do.

I haven't had a reply yet but I text MIL along the lines of we don't mind watching S for you but it is always at short notice and with our own stresses of work etc, we are struggling, perhaps DC could come to you sometimes or we could go out somewhere instead.

DP is on the same page as me, I just hope MIL understands.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 19/01/2022 22:24

This is crazy. I couldn’t cope either op. I’d have dp bundle the dc and his ds up and push them out the door saying it’s dinner at mils this week, didn’t she say? I have to work unfortunately. And send them over. A week of that should make it crystal clear.

Coffeepot72 · 19/01/2022 22:24

@HobgoblinGold but irrespective of the answers to the questions you raise, the OP still doesn’t want her at the house all the time

OniferousWasp · 19/01/2022 22:25

[quote Coffeepot72]@HobgoblinGold but irrespective of the answers to the questions you raise, the OP still doesn’t want her at the house all the time[/quote]
Her brother lives in the same house so one would hope she cares enough about her sister to investigate further and help her.

HobgoblinGold · 19/01/2022 22:26

@Coffeepot72

I hear this I do - but we have a 9 year old who is acting ‘off’. Is this a saeguarding or even child protection issue here? This consideration should trump the inconvenience and nuisance even, of having S around so often.

littlefireseverywhere · 19/01/2022 22:53

Just tell her nows not convenient & arrange to see her once a week perhaps?

Justilou1 · 19/01/2022 23:21

Honestly? What took you so long? Why did you use so many words? How about something along the lines of “This is not my kid and she doesn’t live in my house. We are not providing meals and babysitting for you. Adult up.”

ShinyHappyPoster · 19/01/2022 23:52

YABU because your OP is so muddled. She's acting like a 9-yr-old and you're acting as though you have no choice in the matter. If you let her in your house all the time, then you treat her the way you would your own DC which isn't to leave the safety of gates/doors/dogs to whether a child is going to listen or not. They're adult issues that you need to put solutions in place for.

It's also not a matter to resolve by text. Your DP should have called his DM and explained. FWIW in most families I know where they live that close to each other then they do have an open door policy and the DCs float back and forwards. It's not a wrong expectation. It's just one that doesn't work for you. But no-one knows that yet because you didn't tell them.

Dancingonmoonlight · 19/01/2022 23:55

I feel sorry for the child tbh. Her behaviour isn't 'bad', its typical behaviour for a nine year old. Trying to comfort your child, going to your door every day says she is lonely to me and yearning to be part of a busy household.

If your MIL isn't sure where she even is, it sounds like she isn't being stimulated or being kept company at home at all. Its worrying that your MIL isn't ringing you to check her whereabouts, asking you to send her home to eat and do her homework, take her to her activities and spending time with her in the afternoons.

That said, this child is not part of your family and there is no arrangement in place for you to look after her.
I think your MIL is the person your DP/DH needs to speak to. Maybe he could suggest an after school club for her? Invite her one evening a week e.g. Friday when she doesn't have school the following day? It needs to be a formal arrangement rather than popping in whenever she's bored. She sounds pretty neglected emotionally tbh.

LadyPropane · 20/01/2022 02:05

Next time she turns up, get her to muck in with chores. Don't pussy foot around, just say "right, you peel the veg for tea whilst I sort the meat" or "you crack on sweeping the kitchen and I'll do the dusting" etc.

Also, if it's really not a convenient time when she knocks just say "oh sorry love, we're really busy right now. Another time". If she is at your house and you need her to go you say "DH will take you home now. It was lovely to see you".

You need to be way more assertive.

Roselilly36 · 20/01/2022 06:37

Why not just have a conversation, texts can be misconstrued. YANBU, but talk rather than text.

Somuddled · 20/01/2022 06:55

So your message to MIL just asked for more warning and her having your DC occasionally? That's not what you want though is it?! You want your SIL at your house considerably less frequently and you want her to be better behaved when she is over. Why didn't you ask for what you want rather than send a wishy washy message?

MzHz · 20/01/2022 07:44

Yes indeed, you may say you’re not afraid of SIL, but you’re not dealing with any of this

And she knows it!

Be adults and say to her to go back to her mum as you’re busy today, tell Mil that you’ll invite sil over when it’s convenient and stick to it.

You have to wise up, you have to set boundaries and will do so with your own kids or it’ll be hellish for you.

Sedai · 20/01/2022 07:48

My thoughts are echoing what has been said a few times - your DP really should have stood up and taken responsibility for this but yanbu at all.

Cstring · 20/01/2022 07:57

I think you’ve shot yourself in the foot by starting the message off ‘we don’t mind…’ when you do kind, you mind a lot, you don’t want to do it. At least it may prompt a chat and you can clearly say what you mean.

Onlinedilema · 20/01/2022 08:06

I would take the stance of not letting her in to begin with at least in several days. So the next time webcams just open the door and say "Its not convenient for you to come in right now." Then shut the door.
Tell your dh that she is yet again coming round and he can tell his mother. Do this when ever you feel you want to.
Otherwise can you go somewhere at the time she normally rocks up. The park, library, shops just so you are not in and don't have the hassle of dealing with her.
Hi before she comes so she can't ask to tag along with you.
This would drive me mad.

RockinHorseShit · 20/01/2022 08:06

You are being ridiculously soft & in doing so teaching your own DCs that they can do what they like when they are older. Do you intend to have no boundaries for them at 9 tooConfused

Just say no, not tonight, go home & keep saying it

Onlinedilema · 20/01/2022 08:14

Flaming auto correct!
Webcams=comes

Fairylightsongs · 20/01/2022 08:22

@RockinHorseShit

You are being ridiculously soft & in doing so teaching your own DCs that they can do what they like when they are older. Do you intend to have no boundaries for them at 9 tooConfused

Just say no, not tonight, go home & keep saying it

That’s really very harsh, the children won’t know she doesn’t want her there. And quite frankly I can’t blame her for being soft, her husband is doing nothing and letting her be the one to put her head above the parapet, so even if the mil is unhappy and he needs to speak to her it will look like it’s the ops fault. The issue here is not the op or bad lessons to her kids, it’s the fact her husband isn’t stepping up. He says nothing to his little sister or his mother, she’s doing it all.
MzHz · 20/01/2022 08:29

To be fair though, we all know parenting a 9 yo is a world away from a toddler or a pre-schooler.

We learn this stuff as we go along! I remember seeing 5 and 6yo when at a ballpark thing and was horrified at the behaviour, but that was cos I had a little one of 18m.

We know it seems a barbaric way to treat little kids to you, but discipline is a way to care for children, setting boundaries and managing expectations

She will be told off, disciplined and reprimanded at school, at home even, you’re a soft touch and she knows it.

She’s pushing your boundaries (cos that’s a kids job!) and it’s our job as parents to teach children in our circle where your lines are.

So send her home, tell her you’re busy but you’ll arrange with her mum when a good time to visit is.

RockinHorseShit · 20/01/2022 08:41

@Fairylightsongs

If SIL were an adult I'd agree, but she's a child & one who frequently breaks house rules & winds up the younger DCs that the OP then has to deal. OP is perfectly placed to deal with it herself whilst telling her DH he needs to step up if there's any flack from the MIL

& no, not at all harsh when MIL & SIL too for that matter are taking the pee & setting rules in place don't work as the 9yo ignores

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/01/2022 08:50

I doubt a message will be well received, your dh needs to handle this in person with his mother.

BashStreetKid · 20/01/2022 08:55

Of course YANBU, but I don't understand why you suggested your children could go to your MIL's. It sounds like they need a good break from your SIL.

funnelfanjo · 20/01/2022 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floralnomad · 20/01/2022 11:09

It seems to me that your MIL just chucks her out every night after school so you are the default location . You have 3 options , actually parent her so discipline her in the same way as you would yours which will probably result in her coming down less anyway or get your husband to ask his mother what the hell is going on at her house which means his sister wants to be out of the house every night or just tell her tonight is not convenient so go away . My issue with the ‘go home ‘ option is that there must be a reason that this child doesn’t want to be at her own home .

ChiefStockingStuffer · 20/01/2022 16:59

@blubberyboo

To me it sounds like she is a very unhappy child and is striving for attention from adults and her older brother. Maybe a little jealousy of your children. I imagine she feels a bit abandoned by her mother if she’s spending so much time at yours

No suggestions really other than to point this out to your DP and suggest he pays a bit of attention to what is happening at his mums

He's not her parent either. And expecting him to step up as one is not fair. 'Parentification' is a thing and it's not his job. He has his own family and life to sort.
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