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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this message to MIL

203 replies

RXI3 · 19/01/2022 17:05

For background, I work part time, DP works full time, we have 2 DC age 2.5 & 4 and life is pretty hectic at the minute.

It has become like an unorganised arrangement that DPs half sister (9) comes most nights for dinner, comes to our house at the weekend etc... and it is just getting too much.

My DC like playing with her sometimes but she can be incredibly bossy with them and my eldest daughter doesn't like it. She will over ride my parenting, is the best way to describe it, for example if DC leave their dinner I will say "its ok, we can try again later" and lets call her S, will say "no, I will feed you your dinner" and continue to shove a spoon in DC face no matter how politely I ask her not to.

We can only let the dog in the garden if the gate is shut, she will open the back door without asking and twice now the dog has got out. Again, I've politely reminded her and asked her not to without checking the gate is actually shut but nothing changes.

She wanted DD (4) to play a game of play pretend which involved a 'cheating boyfriend' so I reminded her of DDs age and that it isn't really appropriate to play like that with her.

I asked S and my DC not to go in our bedroom as we had Xmas presents on top of the wardrobe not yet hidden, DC can't open the door. S opened it then said she didn't mean to, but she would have no reason to be near the door. There has been numerous times she has took toys off DD to make her cry so she can comfort her.

She has put hairspray on DD when I asked her not to which resulted it in getting in DDs eyes

Although it is nice to have S round and let all the children play together it is so hard when DC just don't want to play with her and she is going against everything I ask her not to do.

I haven't had a reply yet but I text MIL along the lines of we don't mind watching S for you but it is always at short notice and with our own stresses of work etc, we are struggling, perhaps DC could come to you sometimes or we could go out somewhere instead.

DP is on the same page as me, I just hope MIL understands.

OP posts:
Original poster
RXI3 · 19/01/2022 17:29

There is no reasoning, I should have added I barely actually see MIL. S will walk down (we live nearby). It's normally that she is bored at home if S step siblings aren't at MILs. Food, yes it is an extra plate most nights MIL has never offered any food or money ( I haven't asked though)

OP posts:
CatRatSplat · 19/01/2022 17:30

It's there any reason why you are allowing this behaviour in your house? If she is family and you re looking after her you can't just over look it. Where are the consequences for misbehaving? You are letting a 9 yr old rule your house, take back control.

Tell Mil and partner due to the recent misbehaviour of S I am going to have to introduce consequences such as my bedroom is not to be gone in and xxx before someone gets hurt. If this is not acceptable or does not improve the behaviour then we will not be able to have her around as much.

Take the cutlery out of S reach and say no.
Lock back door and remove key or a consequence for letting dog out unless asked too.
Pretend play fine and dealt withbut I would be worried about where she got this idea from.
Opening bedroom door - consequences for doing it.
Hairspray should be out of reach out or in out of bound room, again was there a consequence or was it an accident?
Snatching toys to be the comforter - consequence?

Original poster
RXI3 · 19/01/2022 17:30

I feel guilty because I agree to previous poster, even though she enjoys playing with my DC she should be playing with friends her own age etc this may happen more in the summer holidays because of the weather though

OP posts:
titchy · 19/01/2022 17:33

Why aren't you just sending her back home then? You seem afraid of this child for some reason Confused

BoredZelda · 19/01/2022 17:35

Why aren't you just sending her back home then? You seem afraid of this child for some reason

This.

"ok, that's time for our dinner, off you go home"

It's a bizarre situation but more bizarre that you haven't put a stop to it sooner.

BlowDryRat · 19/01/2022 17:35

YANBU, your MIL is taking the P.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/01/2022 17:36

If she is just walking down without prior arrangement between you and MIL then you should just send her home.

MeridianB · 19/01/2022 17:37

The only thing you should regret is not nipping this in the bud sooner.

Is your MIL encouraging her DD to visit you so often or is she doing it on her own? Either way, it’s way too much.

Her bossy behaviour around the little ones sounds pretty normal but not sure I’d expect a 9yo to know about cheating boyfriends! Your DD is not the only one who needs some boundaries by the sound of it.

Tell your MIL you would love to see them both for lunch one weekend and will fix a date but otherwise it’s best if DD stays at her home.

Bluebluemoon39 · 19/01/2022 17:37

Poor kid.

Original poster
RXI3 · 19/01/2022 17:37

I haven't sent her home sooner or said no when shes come because shes young, I'm not afraid of her, but I feel bad turning her away. I will though, say "DC are getting ready for bathtime now, is it ok if DP walks you home or MIL comes down for you"

We did actually have a break from her coming when I had said no a few times at the door because DD was very sick. Then, once she had come once, it feels like MIL is given an inch and takes a mile (or whatever the phrase is) .

OP posts:
Original poster
RXI3 · 19/01/2022 17:39

Most of the time S says that MIL said she can come down, then if I mention it to MIL when I see her she will say S was playing out already and stopped by. I think that was the case in summer but it is cold now and there isn't many other kids playing out here if any

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2022 17:39

I agree with sending her home - “ok time to go home now” etc if she’s just walking down.

I think your dp should also speak to his mum- really visits should be predominantly when he’s there. And it’s probably better for your guys to visit them instead.

“Mum / MIL, it’s not working for Sis/ SIL to just walk down to us as and when. Let’s stick to when we can all be there together, when we’ve all arranged to meet up”

BurntO · 19/01/2022 17:40

YANBU. But if she is old enough to walk down alone, she is old enough to be told now isn’t a good time. She sounds like a typical 9 year old really but she isn’t YOUR 9 year old so it’s not reasonable for her to just invite herself over so often and MIL needs to have a chat with her about that .

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2022 17:41

DC are getting ready for bathtime now, is it ok if DP walks you home or MIL comes down for you

Not “is it ok?”, but “DH will walk you back” or “I’ll just ring MIL to come and get you/ you walk back now”.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/01/2022 17:41

Most of the time S says that MIL said she can come down

Just tell her that you don't know anything about it and it's not a good time. Send her straight back home.

Invite her round to visit twice a week, or whatever you're happy with.

Pat123dev · 19/01/2022 17:44

I'd just message with clear boundaries. Sil can come over Thursday etc or not at all on a school night or something along those lines that suits you.
Quite frankly your mil can piss off with the free loading.

billy1966 · 19/01/2022 17:46

You do sound afraid of her and your MIL.

Why would you allow this?

You are unpaid childcare and feeding a child that is making your life harder.

Why?

Also, she is NOT a sibling so her being in your house constantly is preventing your children learning to play together.

Stop asking is it ok and woman up and knock it on the head.

She is NOT your responsibility.

Stop being used.

Being too nice is not in yours or your childrens best interests here.

Flowers
lap90 · 19/01/2022 17:46

Your partner should have sent the message but should still have a word.
It is his Mother and sister after all!

Confiscatedpopit · 19/01/2022 17:50

Disagree with others- you can be the bad guy and make your husband still look a good son/brother. I’d do that for my spouse. But yes it seems one-sided and too much.

BluebellsGreenbells · 19/01/2022 17:51

You’re going to have to put your money where your mouth is. Does MIL actually know she’s at your house? Do they message and ask if she’s there/ok?

Something isn’t right here.

seekinglondonlife · 19/01/2022 17:52

Is MIL well? It seems odd that she doesn't want to spend much time with her dd. I'm surprised after you've listed what S does to your dd's that you'd want to pack them off to her house!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/01/2022 17:53

Why is her Mum not looking after her? I don't understand why you're the default unpaid babysitter?

MaggieFS · 19/01/2022 17:54

I think you just need to leave all of the boundaries and behaviour issues out of any conversations. It will only lead to arguments, if you get to the stage of needing to have a conversations. YANBU on the basis you both work, it's hectic enough as it is and you need some time to yourselves, or even DC to go to MIL's as you've suggested. Formalise days each way which work and stick to it.

Dibbydoos · 19/01/2022 17:54

You are def not being unreasonable. Seriously don't know how you ended up here, but def time to stop it.

Grand parents are supposed to help you not the other way around!

pickingdaisies · 19/01/2022 17:55

She's nine. She can take being told no, or being told off when she misbehaves. You are being too soft with your mil and with your SIL. If SIL is around yours every day, then you should feel quite comfortable in matter-of-factly disciplining her, no drama. I'm wondering if mil is even aware that you are unhappy with the situation.
If a child has continued to force-feed my child, I would have taken the doing of her and sent her home - Sorry S, but if you can't behave nicely it's time for you to go home. See you tomorrow.